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Post by AnnieOkie on Dec 16, 2008 11:43:09 GMT -5
Welcome! You have taken the first step out of your isolation. I know you said you have been unable to find a job. But from reading your posts, it seems you are an intelligent woman who can at least spell! I encourage you to see if you can find employment of some sort. After making steps (great idea to start with yourself and your sleeping area here), maybe you can get in the position where you can get yourself and your children in a place on your own that can be healthier and happier. I wish you luck on your journey, it's a path we are all following and we can help you along the way.
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Post by heylady1 on Dec 16, 2008 13:46:31 GMT -5
WELCOME!! Isolated! You've already been given some wonderful advice and I have no magic words of wisdom but I did want to say that after reading your intro that anybody living under the stresses you are dealing with would be depressed! Don't let your dumb ex convince you that you are mentally ill or unstable!! Geeze...I got depressed just reading your intro and I don't have to deal with it IRL. Once you get away from him I bet your mood will lift! It sounds like you have a plan with your schooling and moving out with your kids and pets....good luck to you and I hope it all works out for you!
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Post by creativechaos on Dec 16, 2008 14:15:40 GMT -5
hello isolated, i read your post with concern and empathy. my heart goes out to you. i'm going to shoot from the hip and the heart here. if i sound strident, it is my alarm at the abuse you are living in. i feel real concern for you, having been in an abusive relationship myself.
my advice is simple:
MOVE OUT!with your kids. -- you can do it if your take actions one baby step at a time; baby steps with the goal of moving in mind. when you and the children leave him and mom, life WILL improve for you and you will get empowered. if you can get out of there, you can do anything! please don't forget that no matter how bad it gets. one step at a time.
there is help out there; lots of it. don't give up if you don't find it right away. you sometimes really have to look and ask, which is hard when you feel ashamed and in a small community, trying to hide everything. i know. been there, done that.
find out if there is a family resource center, a domestic violence and sexual assault services or something like that; they often offer free counseling for abused spouses and children, and will help them move out of hostile and abusive situations. the lions club, the kiwanis, the oddfellows, the soroptomists, and other charitable organizations help families in need and may even be able to help you with the physical part of moving by donating trucks and able bodies to help move stuff. leave your ex with mom! you are living in a very sick and unhealthy situation and unless you get some counseling, change your thinking and get some hope, things will keep getting worse. you have to come first. your quiet plan sounds good, but keep in mind about the help. you can get out sooner than 6 months maybe. why wait if you don't need to? you are worth more.
There is subsidized housing, some of it handicapped accessed, and you qualify if you are poor and going to be a single mom! find out where it is, get applications, fill them out, and move there. there are also lawyers who will work "pro bono" (free) for a session or two, and if you are armed with the right questions, they will help you figure out what your rights are and your options. the internet is a fantastic resource to help you get prepared.
But...first and foremost, you have to address the depression. if your depression is from lack of hope in this situation, know that action is the cure and inaction will only make you feel more hopeless and depressed. can you get help for your childrens' sake, even if you don't feel motivated for yourself? in order to take care of them, you will need to make self care and caring for them a priority. they may have already learned bad habits from witnessing the verbal abuses of your ex and mother. they have seen them disrespect you, and will follow suit. they will most likely need counseling
your ex sounds very abusive. (your mom too; i'm glad she is better to your children at least) i know from experience that being a victim and continuing the blame game will get you nowhere but worse off and very angry and resentful. forget whose fault it is; i hear you that you are sick of it and want better for yourself and YOU DESERVE IT! So do your children.
trying to change other people or expect them to help when they won't help or change only makes you sick. do your best to ignore them, don't pick up after them anymore. if you are sleeping in the same room with you ex (and i hope not!) end this right now. he can sleep on the sofa or wherever -- not in the same room with you! Start with yourself, your own hygiene and self care. pick up your own clothes. hang a lovely picture. put a vase of fresh flowers on the night stand. have several inspirational books at your side or on your person. there are some nice tiny ones you can carry in your purse. take that impetus for change and put it into yourself. read some empowering books and literature. there is all kinds of help on the internet, and especially this group! join us on listzilla and list 3 things you did to take care of yourself (i don't brush my teeth much; this could go on the list). any 3 things, no matter how tiny. then list 3 things you want to do (remember, baby steps). i look forward to seeing you thrive.
big hugs.
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Post by gottaproblem on Dec 16, 2008 14:55:27 GMT -5
Welcome! You have come to the right place. Others have given you lots of words of wisdom, so I have nothing to add, but welcome.
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Post by Arid on Dec 16, 2008 16:32:49 GMT -5
Welcome, isolated. I'm very glad that you have found this board.
Along with the advice of starting your self-care first (personal hygiene, health care, etc.), there is another aspect of it that you might try. That is, begin practicing ETE--Eliminating the Evidence. Gently teach your children to do the same thing. This means that EACH DAY, you pick up after yourself as you go along; you put things away after you have used them; you wipe up spills as they occur. While this might seem pointless to you at first, it will help to keep things from getting increasingly worse. Even if things don't have a "home", you at least can teach your children not to leave toys in the middle of a walkway, to wipe up any messes that they make (or to ask for your help with that if the mess is too big for them), and to put trash, such as food wrappers, etc. into a wastebasket. (Which brings up another point--it is very, very helpful to have a wastebasket in each and every room and to develop a habit of emptying them on a regular basis.) If you can, pick up ONE more thing each day to put away, donate, or discard. Gradually, you will work your way through some of the mess. Ignore your mother and your ex when they make fun of you for this; no doubt, they will. Just keep doing what you know is the right thing for yourself and for your children.
Establishing these habits now will make life much easier when you have a home of your own to maintain. Also, these good habits will be helpful to your children as they live out their lives. You will be teaching them how to avoid living in squalor as adults.
Good wishes to you; I hope that things improve soon.
Arid
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Post by lilith on Dec 16, 2008 20:11:20 GMT -5
Friend,
You mentioned trash cans. How exactly is your trash collected? How often? By whom? Are your mom and ex home when it is collected?
Also, do you feel comfortable telling us what town or region you live in?
Hang in.
Love, Lilith
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Post by isolated on Dec 17, 2008 9:45:13 GMT -5
I have two trash cans, both are 50 gallons and hold about 4 to 5 very large bags in each. They are collected on Fridays by the city.
Sometimes, they are home when they are collected and sometimes they are not.
I live in Southern Texas btw.
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Post by lilith on Dec 17, 2008 10:01:23 GMT -5
Is it possible that you could be out there when the trash truck came and ask if they could take a little extra? I have done this. It was embarassing to me but the guy seemed like it was completely normal. Also, do they do neighborhood cleanups or uncontained trash in your area? In my town they do it twice per year. Call the city trash people. Tell them you have alot but have no car. You may be very surprised. If you want to P.M. your town, I'll help you find out.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jan 2, 2009 18:17:24 GMT -5
- Dear isolated,
Just wanted to send you a hug and well-wishes.
-
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Post by isolated on Jan 2, 2009 18:38:56 GMT -5
Thank you so very much. Just been having a rough time here lately and haven't been on line all that much. I had a slight relapse with drugs, after being clean for so long and I just sort of fell apart for awhile. Around the holidays, I tend to get very depressive and tend to just isolate myself for a bit. I'm trying to pull myself out of the emotional black pit and get back on track though. So I do see hope, which is more than I can say regarding last week. I met a local guy that seems really nice and is interested in me. (If anything, I made a new friend) I got my on line school work down to 3 exams till completion. If that isn't some hope, I don't know what is. I just have to basically be my own best friend for awhile and work through all these hard moments in life. I kinda rambled but confession is good sometimes.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Jan 2, 2009 19:49:37 GMT -5
I wondered where you have been. OK so you relapsed and now you are back on track. That is a great sign. You didn't choose to relapse completely. You pulled yourself out of it! You made a new friend. Things are looking up. Yay! You sound very positive. We all have to be our own best friend. It is important.
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Post by messyang on Jan 2, 2009 21:30:09 GMT -5
Welcome Isolated! I can relate to your story in more ways than one. (My intro was called "I feel like my life is over"). Though I don't have alot of success from my story yet, the folks in here have given me much help and hope. You are truly among friends here, and you can count me as one. BTW, I was on Paxil for awhile, and it had some negative side effects, and I came off of it. But I suffer from depression too. You must choose to live a different way for not only yourself (YOU ARE worth it), but also your kids. I have four, and am a single mom, and I cannot let them know that this is a normal way to live. Much love and hugs to you. You are a wonderful woman. We love you just how you are .
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Post by Ican on Jan 6, 2009 23:57:36 GMT -5
Isolated, I saw that I hadn't replied to your introduction yet, so I just wanted to post and say hello! I am a fairly new member, too. I just joined about a month ago or so. I've been reading the posts and it helps to motivate me. Glad you're here!
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