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Post by isolated on Dec 15, 2008 16:19:39 GMT -5
I am not quite sure where to even start on my introduction, but my user name fits my situation like a glove. I am 28, living with my mother,my ex and two kids under 10 years old. I also suffer with depression and do not even want to get out of bed in the morning due to my situation. That is, if my bed was clean enough to even sleep on, but you all get the point. I also live in squalor. I do not even know what level it is as I am to ashamed to even check that out. I've struggled keeping a decent living situation for as long as I can remember. I drift between never coming close but semi okay to kick a path and fight to open up doors to rooms. The main ac is out, we have no heat for the winter,the hot water tank leaks,concrete floor for the most part,mice and bug problems. The stove has been out for a year, our small half sized fridge leaks,doesn't seal right and freezes up weekly... The front and back yard are never mowed. I cannot mow as I am allergic to bees,wasps and fire ants. My mother cannot mow, wont pay anyone to do it and ex refuses to. Or when I do try, he gets mad at me for doing what he calls his job. He always has an excuse for not doing it or claims he is too busy. Six months ago, I went through and removed many items such as heavy furniture,broken book cases,old dishes,broken appliances, torn up mattresses, old carpet soaked in animal urine and so forth. These things still remain on my back porch six months later. No tile has been purchased and most of the house is now concrete flooring. Which is very hard to keep clean. I was told that if I removed the carpet myself, tile would be purchased for me to install. I cannot get my mother or ex to remove these items for me. I am greeted with many excuses why they will not dump these items. So I stopped cleaning, felt like my efforts were pointless. Six months later and you can imagine how it must look. I just gave up and stopped doing everything. I cannot get them to help me out when I do clean. Instead, they choose to just throw everything on the floor and expect me to be the one to clean up after them and I cannot keep up with everything myself. I am often yelled at, treated horribly and made to feel that this is my job and my fault since they both work. Id be fine with that if they would pitch in, but throwing garbage,dishes,wrappers,laundry etc...on the floor for me to pick up is extremely disrespectful. Or telling me they have nothing to do with this mess. Its always thrown on me. I am not saying this is all their fault even though they will tell you that it is all my fault. I will take blame for the mess as well, because I just throw things down myself when I decide to give up. I play a huge hand in the way things are too but how am I expected to keep up with this lifestyle when every step I take, they tell me they don't care if its clean or not,they refuse to help haul things away? How can I motivate people who are happy with the way things are? They rarely buy cleaning supplies, they refuse to get rid of the items on the back porch. I cannot remove anything more as it is far to heavy for me to lift and there is no room. I actually get yelled at if I pick up garbage and its more than the can will hold. I spent three days once picking up about 40ish bags of trash, I felt incredible after that until I was actually scolded by my ex for producing too much trash to fit in the cans outside!  I don't have a car,cannot drive nor do I have a job to be able to afford things I need. I cannot find a job to be able to move out of this situation with my kids, cant afford the divorce, ex wont leave and says he will use this all against me if I file for said divorce, even though this unclean house is his fault too. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle here. I know you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change, and I myself just accepted this life for what it was but I truly want better than this and I am willing to work as hard as it takes but I do not think I should have to do it all myself when others helped make this mess and I cannot keep up with them. I did this for a few years and I literally got only a few hours of sleep each day. I know that sounds somewhat exaggerated but I literally mean I had to do everything for everyone. I also have animals involved which makes things even more complicated.  I am tired of feeling depressed,ashamed,hopeless and isolated. I am hoping that somewhere on this site I will find the encouragement I need to find a way to battle this once and for all. Yeah, I feel better just getting that out, knowing someone,somewhere has dealt with these things too...  |
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Post by Script on Dec 15, 2008 16:32:08 GMT -5
I am not quite sure where to even start Welcome Isolated! You are here among friends. May I, as an older wiser woman suggest one thing? START with the room you sleep in. Do you sleep with your Ex? Never mind. Then START with yourself. Your clothes. Your personal habits. Your nail-cleaning-hair-washing-tooth-brushing self. You cannot change your mom and ex. YOU can change yoursef. If it is at all possible, can you get to a family doctor for the depression? If you really cannot get out of bed, you deserve medical care. But even if you cannot get an Rx or a therapist or anything like that.....YOU can clean yourself up. YOU can tidy up your own clothes. Things will be immediately brighter. Keep reading here: you will be astounded at the support you receive. Hugs from Script (depression survivor for 30+ years) |
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Post by mallery on Dec 15, 2008 17:00:27 GMT -5
My first thoughts, off the top of my head......
You may feel that the name "Isolated" fits you perfectly, but I will forever think of you as "Hopeful". I agree with Script, I think you might look into help for the depression, because many Mental Health Clinics offer free services, and they can hook you up with all sorts of help. It must be very frustrating for you right now, but you've come to the right place; there are so many wonderful, positive, supportive folks here. Perhaps you could tell us what general area you live in, and maybe someone here could help haul some of the bigger stuff away? I suggest you check in here every day, and let us be your cheerleaders! {{{hugs}}}
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Post by messymimi on Dec 15, 2008 19:57:03 GMT -5
Welcome, Isolated  !
No need to feel so isolated any more. You are in good company.
I understand the "I can never catch/keep up" feeling. The kids, cats, and husband can mess it faster than I can clean it, too.
Take care of yourself and the kids.
Let the other grown ups in the house fend for themselves.
I hope you find inspiration and hope here.
messymimi
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Post by lilith on Dec 15, 2008 20:19:50 GMT -5
You were Isolated-now you are home. We will love love you through this. There is no magic wand to be waved. Believe me one of us would have found it.
What we do have is dozens of folks all on the same road as you, just at different places. Do ANYTHING you can. I like Script's idea of starting with your person and then keep posting. Do it one minute at a time or if that is too much try five seconds. You CAN do this. I belive in you and wish you only the best!
Love,
Lilith
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Post by zinnia on Dec 15, 2008 20:58:36 GMT -5
Welcome & hugs to you. This sounds like an emotionally abusive situation. Please check out: www.ndvh.orgNational Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) |
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Post by crazycatlady on Dec 15, 2008 21:08:15 GMT -5
Lilith, that is the most beautiful welcome. And Isolated, every word that Lilith wrote is true. You are among friends now, and we are each in various stages of dealing with huge messes.
It seemed very hopeless to me when I first joined, but time and the love of many friends has helped me reclaim most of my home. Welcome!
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Post by wind on Dec 15, 2008 22:59:06 GMT -5
I agree that you should start with wherever you sleep. You need an oasis. Grab a few garbage bags and get to tossing "stuff". If in doubt, throw it away.
Maybe, just maybe, looking in envy upon your one nice area will motivate your mom to participate in helping with the "common areas".
If not, move on to cleaning ONE bathroom and wherever the kids sleep/hang out. You might want to move their mattresses into your clean room for them to sleep, possibly, once you have one nice clean room.
Good luck.
It sounds like you're at a low point in life at the moment, so the only place to go is up?
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Post by notsomessyshell on Dec 16, 2008 0:27:37 GMT -5
Welcome. Taking care of you and your area is a great place to start. When you feel better about yourself your whole outlook improves. I look forward to hearing from you! You are among people who understand and accept you. 
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Post by dayeanu on Dec 16, 2008 0:46:18 GMT -5
Welcome, sister. You may feel like you are depressed, but I am very impressed at the hope and determination you still have, even after living with such constant oppression! You are surely a very strong person, right down to your very core. I was in a somewhat similar situation myself. I have a couple of thoughts to share with you. First, if you do decide that moving out would be the best option for you and your children, I would strongly recommend a Women's Shelter. There are all kinds, run by all sorts of social service groups. I have considerable personal experience in that area, and I know that they will come get you and your children, (secretly), and take you and your children to a safe, secret location, where you and your children can get all kinds of help (even a divorce) and assistance to become independent and start a new life. For free. As for your ex getting custody of your kids, should you decide to leave - he would not have a snowball's chance. He is just using that to frighten, bully and control you. I don't want to frighten you by mentioning this, but unfortunately, if you stay where you are, you both risk losing the children to social services. I might also suggest that you be very careful about not mentioning anything regarding any of this to your ex, or even your children. It has been my experience, and observation, that sometimes when a person tries to make positive changes, the other person feels he might be losing control of the person, and the situation can escalate to involve physical violence. Both for you and your children's sake, I would not want that to happen. I hope this little bit has helped. My prayers are with you. Keep posting, we are here for you, with all our support, 100%. Also, please feel free to e-mail me if you want. |
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Post by houseworkhater on Dec 16, 2008 0:52:42 GMT -5
welcome...i really felt sad reading your story, for you and for your kids. your mom and your ex, well, not so much  any small thing, however small, you can do, will help. i am rooting for you. |
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Post by wind on Dec 16, 2008 2:48:17 GMT -5
Also, I'm guessing your mom loves you and is at least kinda nice?
If so, let her know this degree of squalor is *illegal* with kids, and you're risking having your kids taken away.
Just explain to her the gravity of the situation. Let her know you're willing and able to coordinate the effort, but you just need a bit of help from her on moving stuff out.
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Post by isolated on Dec 16, 2008 8:54:49 GMT -5
First off, thank you to everyone who offered me support!! It was really nice to finally tell someone all of these things, get it off my chest and I really do not feel so alone anymore. It was always a silent battle for me. You don't really tell your friends about these things, you try to keep it hidden because its just easier that way. Not to mention, how quick people can be to judge someone and their situation. So I really do appreciate all the advice and courage you all have given me. script- I think starting with myself is a good idea. It's like you somehow know I have pretty much forgotten about my needs. I used to do girly-ish things like paint my nails, face masks, exercise and somewhere along the way I've lost myself and put on some weight. It would be nice to set aside an hour a day just for these needs. I do miss the confidence these small things gave me. As for a Dr. I used to go to one and he prescribed paroxetien (Paxil) and it worked for awhile. I started having to take more, which costs more and the ex decided to shove this fact down my throat, he used this against me every time we were in arguments. One day I decided to just stop taking it because of his remarks and the ones about me being crazy and I haven't looked back. *BTW the with-drawls from 40mgs of P were so incredibly bad, my depression now can not even compare to how I felt then. I should have weened off of them instead of suddenly stopping but I wasn't using my noodle too well around that time. I was also coming off of an illegal drug at the time too. I decided to just clean up in one full shot and my only addiction seems to be ciggs now. I wanted to try to approach depression differently (Mainly through supportive people and a private journal) since I realized after going through with-drawls and a few drug/alcohol relapses that things could be far worse than they really are. Self medicating for depression never works. zinnia & dayeanu- You guys are not the only ones who feel this whole situation is abusive. I have a few close on-line friends who have said this for years. So, I've been working on my education so I can provide for myself and children, trying to keep the peace between everyone and I am now working toward a profession that should have me out of this situation in 6mths or so. I just nod when the ex says hurtful things and go on about my day. Obviously inside, it is killing me but letting him know this, just encourages him to be even more cruel.Violence on all levels has happened on occasion and its easier to not talk to him about any of my goals because your right, he does become more violent when I mention my progress. It angers him, he fears loosing control,he fears me even having male friends and his male friends wont even look at me, let alone talk to me because he so aggressive. So I learned from the start to make my friends on-line and not tell him about any of them. Its just easier. wind- I wish my mom was loving and supportive. She has her moments, she always gets the children what they need,want and even goes overboard quite often. As for me, she could care less. One minutes she cares and the next she could care less. I've gotten used to it but it does still hurt. I have tried so many times to tell her that what is happening is not normal. That we all deserve somewhere clean to live. That life is much easier when you can find things you need, you don't trip on another mysterious object and get hurt. She says she cares and things will be different but it always comes down to empty promises. So I am pretty much left with fighting a loosing battle in the end. Not the best attitude to have but I am going to work on that more. But I do plan to try all the advice Ive received so far. Starting with my personal self, doing things that will greatly help me and my kids and basically saying to the ex and mom to fend for themselves like messymimi said. |
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sheepish
New Member
Joined: November 2008
Posts: 51
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Post by sheepish on Dec 16, 2008 9:31:49 GMT -5
Welcome. You have certainly come to the right place. You have already demonstrated great courage in spite of your circumstances & between that & the help you receive here you can do it!
You mentioned that animals were involved too. How many? Would you Mom look after them if you left? Would they be safe? If you had a plan for them as well it would make it easier.
We will all be here for you, cheering you on. You can do this!
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Post by isolated on Dec 16, 2008 10:21:36 GMT -5
Over the years I lessened my load of animals. I used to have snakes,pet rodents and more cats than I knew what to do with. I have 4 dogs,2 hermit crabs and 2 cats. One of the dogs is my mothers, the other three belong to me. One needs a new home as I cannot care for her. I've been looking for a few months now and haven't had any luck. I am considering returning her to the animal shelter I found her at. It's a no kill shelter with strict rules on adopting Pitt bulls so I know she will be safe there and have a good chance at a home that can suit her needs. She turned animal aggressive a few months ago and hurt one of my cats so bad that I had to have the poor guy euthanized. So, while I do love her and want the very best for her, my heart can never forgive her for what she did. She stays isolated from everyone except for me now and I hate keeping her in a prison so to speak. It is not fair for her or for me at this point as I don't really socialize with her anymore. So that leaves with me with a pit bull and a pit bull/dalmatian mix. Both get along great and are the best of friends. When I can leave this situation, I plan to hunt for a place the lets me have them as I would never leave them here nor can I see myself getting rid of them. I've had one for a very long time and even when I was homeless for a little while I found a way to keep her. She is my best friend after all. As for the kitties, I'd like to keep them but I doubt 4 animals in a small apartment will really work so well. I am sure I could find good homes for them easier than the animal aggressive dog. As for the hermit crabs, easiest pets to take care of IMO. They cause no stress, they take less than ten minutes a day to tend to and are very quiet. |
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