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Post by hopewanted on Jul 11, 2019 22:56:08 GMT -5
Trigger Warning: foreclosure, forced cleaning
Hi! I'm the adult child of hoarders, the sister of one, and probably one myself. I'll have deal with my own townhouse later.
There is so much back story to this, I'm going to work backwards from the current situation.
My parents horse farm is scheduled for aforeclosure auction Tuesday. This could be worse. They have my sister's property to go to although the situation will not be ideal for the horses. BTW, the horses are in good health and condition. My mom would neglect her own health and obviously the house before the horses.
Although they should have known this was in process months ago, my parents were blindsided because my mom is one of those people who just walks into the bank and makes her payment. She didn't bother opening her mail. To make matters worse, I'm just recently learning that she still has symptoms of a brain injury from a car wreck last year. My Dad has had memory, concentration, and focus issues for 25 years so she's been there once handling things.
She either didn't know or it didn't register that the lender added forced insurance at the rate of $600 a month. This effectively raised her mortgage payment and lead to foreclosure (despite her on-time payments of the original amount). The forced insurance was added because the roof has needed to be replaced for over a decade and their farmowner's insurance was dropped due to the condition of the roof.
We're potentially working out a deal to sell the property in lieu of auction. This would give us 90 days to move them out and the buyer says they are willing to continue to allow access for a time to remove personal property, especially from the outbuildings. Unfortunately, they will not have cash from this until closing so hired help isn't an option without me going into debt myself which I can't really afford.
I work full time. My boss has graciously agreed to allow me to work 4x10s to allow me 2 days a week working on clearing things out. It still is such a overwhelming undertaking!
To make matters worse, my sister's is just as hoarded and lots of deferred maintenance as well. They have to clear out space for anything my parents want to bring (I'm n hoping were sticking to family heirlooms and horse equipment mostly plus what they currently wear and use).
I feel a lot of guilt for just leaving things as they were and not being more assertive in trying to get them moved in with sister (who they have been helping financially). I knew the situation was unsustainable, but just wanted myself out (lived there for 7 years, paid a nominal rent, and fed the horses until 9 years ago). I assumed it would all fall apart when one or both passed away. Even when I visited, I spent as little time in the house as possible due to my dust mite allergy.
I hate doing a forced clean out like this, but it has to happen. I just hope they come to understand that some things aren't worth the time and effort of moving.
If you made it this far, thank you! I'm certainly open to any empathy, sympathy, suggestions, experience, strength, or wisdom in dealing with this emotionally, physically, or logistically.
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Post by doodles on Jul 11, 2019 23:58:25 GMT -5
hopewanted I'm sorry this has all crashed down on you. Your parents are very lucky to have you to help. Try not to feel guilty about this, it won't help and you are not responsible for the actions of other adults. This community is full of excellent people who have experience with these situations and i am sure they will have suggestions. All I can think of at the moment is to care for your health -mental and physical- as a priority. Put on your own oxygen mask first is a cliche but it is absolutely true. Wishing you a quick and peaceful resolution to this difficult situation. 
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Post by larataylor on Jul 12, 2019 8:19:47 GMT -5
hopewanted - Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry about the situation that brought you here. I moved from one hoarded house into another eight years ago, and I'm still dealing with the backlog. It wasn't a farm, and I didn't have horses! But I suggest getting rid of as much as you can as soon as possible, from both places. So much easier said than done, I know. But you need to minimize the amount that you have to move and shuffle and fit in somewhere. Please take care of yourself so you don't get overwhelmed by a situation you did not create.
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Post by def6 on Jul 12, 2019 9:08:00 GMT -5
Hello hopewanted I'm so sorry you and your family are having to face these changes right now. I want to tell you: There is hope!!  It sounds to me like your folks need to downsize due to their age anyway, not just in belongings but also in responsibility. Also, may I just throw out there, Do your parents need to re-home the horses??? Maybe ..Maybe not. Tough decisions need to be made to insure that your parents' life is Sustainable. I commend you for sticking by and helping your family when the chips are down. This will take blood, sweat and tears...brace yourself. |
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Post by phoenixcat on Jul 12, 2019 11:49:06 GMT -5
hopewanted Welcome to the forum although I'm sorry it is under such circumstances. I am an only child that removed my DM from a farm that she and my dear father had lived at for most of their married life. I also removed some extremely cantankerous relatives that are childless from a very large three story home. As everyone said, this won't be easy and you have to protect yourself. You are not responsible for this situation and unless they have an incredible turnaround in attitude - you are basically shifting the situation to your sister's who also doesn't sound ready for change. No one is going to win here - all you can do is try and keep the worst from happening and protect those with heartbeats as much as you can - people and pets. The first thing is to accept it. I know that sounds harsh but you didn't create this mess - you tried desperately to escape from it and now you are making great personal sacrifices to come back and help. You need to ACCEPT there is only so much you can physically and mentally do and you can't lose yourself in all of this. Take stock of your personal situation - you are already changing work hours to accommodate this but that doesn't mean you are working less - you will be tired- 10 hour days are tough. And, you are basically cramming the rest of your life into one day that you aren't working at a job or working at your parents. Do you have pets or other family members living with you? I know you can't afford paid help - but unpaid help? Friends, other family members, neighbors? I know in my parents tight knit farm community - I could always get someone to help me move something or take it away. Speaking from experience - try and get the move of your parents and horses done sooner than later. Out of sight really does mean out of mind. When packing DM (dear mother) for the final move - it was pulling teeth to get her to get rid of a lot of stuff that I thought needed to go. Almost all the stuff I fought her on - she realizes has no place in her current living situation and we've ended up donating it on the other side. Clear space to work. Even if you are piling it higher and deeper in other rooms - you have to have a place to pack, sort, sit quietly with a glass of water, keep notes. If you have any area in the home, in the garage, in an outbuilding to lay down some tarps and start piling for give away. Get the garbage in big bags and get it away from the work area - can you get a dumpster? Throw it in an unused wagon or truck bed? If stuff doesn't get moving OUT - it will start to be churned and put back. Ask me how I know!  If stuff is in decent condition - check with local organizations. Maybe some calls on your lunch hour? We donated lots of vintage clothes to the local theater troupe. The local veteran's organization took stuff of my father's service days. Our church plus some local towns took things for their community yard sales. High schools took some of my parents' memorabilia. Gave a bunch to the local historical society - antique clothes, books. We donated a huge amount of record albums to a local charity that held weekly dances for their handicapped adults. The local library took at lot of books/magazines and any they didn't want - they passed on to the prisons. We had family members and neighbors that wanted a surprising amount of stuff. We were stunned about the response once we actually asked people.  And all of them picked it up on their own. ANYONE that stopped by - we tried to fill their arms with stuff.  Key word here is stuff in DECENT condition. If not, no other choice but garbage. If your parents belonged to ANY organizations - church, community, horse groups- ANYTHING - work the phones for help. Small towns and farming communities are quick to lend a hand. How about the person who is interested in buying it? Maybe he has other resources to help you? Please come back and post anything you want whether it is asking for some weird advice or just needing to vent to an understanding community. Most of all take care of yourself and keep your expectations low. If you all survive and meet whatever deadline is imposed - that is a win  Cheering you on!!! PC
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Post by joyinvirginia on Jul 12, 2019 15:55:20 GMT -5
Welcome hope wanted! Best wishes to you and your family with this process.
I recently cleaned out an attic from home where I grew up. My folks are deceased. We had more time, deadline was getting HVAC installed and they needed to put air handler and ductwork in attic before renter moved in.
What phoenixcat says is true, if you ask, you will find some people to help for free! a local thrift store took some clothing. Local church took two truckloads of furniture and collectibles for their yard sale. neighbor called a friend who took four boxes of books to library for their sale. Get the word out that you need help, and see what happens.
Best wishes and do TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 14, 2019 18:24:45 GMT -5
hopewanted; welcome! You're in the right place and you will find help and hope here. No words of wisdom since I hoard too. but sending hugs your way. I'm so sorry this situation is on your shoulders and i wish you strength to get through it. Don't forget to take care of yourself as much as is possible; especially adequate rest. I hope you can find some people to help with this stuff; it would ease the load. and what a crappy situation for your mom - those unscrupulous criminal lenders!  they seized many thousands of home in exactly these devious ways, preying on people like your mom. You family is blessed to have you to stand by them right now.
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Post by Layla on Jul 16, 2019 19:28:59 GMT -5
Welcome Hopewanted, and I just want to agree and repeat what others have said, dont feel guilty, this is not your responsibility.
You will find a lot of wonderful support here, just keep posting and sharing.
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