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Post by tiredofthis on Dec 21, 2008 10:03:54 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a while. After my burst of cleaning in preparation for the plumbers on 9/29, I haven't really gone any further. I've maintained paper and trash free floors in the rooms cleaned, but that's about it. That alone, however, does make the place look about 95% better.
BUT... the whole problem of "no one can come in the house" is taking a toll on my relationship with my son, and to a lessor extent, my daughter. DS has his own apartment, with roommates. He absolutely will not have any of his friends come into my home. He has a friend who is an apprentice plumber in his dad's plumbing business, and my son was adament that said friend could not do the plumbin work I needed done unless the house was thoroughly cleaned and repairs made. That is why I hired plumbers that I don't know. So, now my son has a gf, who is also friends with my daughter. The gf already knows that no one comes in the house, because she's been friends with DD. But now, because my son spends so much time with his gf, simple things are becoming a problem, and I know that it will only get worse and my son will grow more and more distant. For example.. we've had a huge snow storm. Normally, son would come over and shovel. In any other circumstance, he would now bring gf, everyone would hang out, maybe come in for hot chocolate. Ok, that can't happen. So, makes it more difficult for him to come over. See where this is going? The same is true with DD. She is now an adult. Her choices are go out to see her friends or stay home and hang out with mom. Never has the opportunity to have a friend stop by, etc. Makes it more likely that she will move out as soon as she possibly can.
So, I am finally paying the price for my lifestyle in the loss of closeness to my kids. I'm in a bind because I really don't have the funds for home improvements, so I see no way out of this.
I kind of hate myself and what I've done.
I
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Post by moggyfan on Dec 21, 2008 10:27:49 GMT -5
Aw, tiredofthis, I am sorry you are feeling so down.
But I want to say that there is always hope; I am living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks. I was in my mid-fifties when I finally started to dig myself out. That was a few years ago now, and I am happy that my home is now a much more pleasant place to be.
I think it's terrific that you've maintained your progress in keeping those floors clear for three whole months! That's a huge step. You've proved to yourself that you can develop some new habits. Can you look around you and choose the "next thing"? I think in gaining control of certain areas, you will gradually chip away at the whole place and end up with a much more livable space.
Since your daughter is still living at home, maybe you can enlist her help in some way? What is the state of her room--maybe she could start there?
I don't know exactly what you mean by "home improvements" but I do know such things can be expensive. However, decluttering and cleaning are bound to be a plus even if you cannot afford to do all the things you'd like at this time.
Keep posting--I would love to cheer you on :-) And...be a little kinder to yourself; a messy house is far from the worst mistake a parent can make.
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Post by tiredofthis on Dec 21, 2008 11:05:51 GMT -5
Actually, she is a part of the problem. I never made her clean up growing up, and she is having difficulty adhering to cleaning up as you go, even though she really wants the house to be clean and homey. I think a lot of people can identify with this. She has some depression issues, is in therapy, and is dealing with lots of things right now. But it is frustrating for me not to have help.
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Post by messymimi on Dec 21, 2008 11:17:24 GMT -5
Even if there is no money for home improvements, clean and generally decluttered is perfectly acceptable. Many people have no squalor, but no money to spare for major repairs. Their homes are perfectly acceptable.
It's hard sometimes not to give in to regret and sadness over what has been. Still, that energy is better spent finding ways to dig your way out of the mess so that you can open your life to friends and family.
messymimi
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Post by creativechaos on Dec 21, 2008 12:58:26 GMT -5
hi tiredofthis;
it looks like we've both come back after an absence. you are in the right place! WOW! Have you given yourself a pat on the back for maintaining the floors, trash free, for 3 months? That is AWESOME! take the time to really let that sink in.
I don't really know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, or if the two of you talk about things or are close, but have you tried more of a heart to heart approach with her, telling her how it is for you, listening to how it is for her, then putting your heads and hearts together to make a plan? Maybe if you both come to the table and really speak from your hearts, the door will open for you both to cooperate and come up with a workable arrangement. If you can get her to join you in WITs, for example, or use some of that at home, it might be more do-able.
Come join us on WITs, and keep posting. Maybe if you and your daughter come up with ways to make it fun-- does she like art? Enlist her in making some fun visual chart that you can both fill with stickers as things get done. Do "scavenger hunt journals, listing things you've been looking for and found. I am a "counter", so I love quick-ten pickups. Some days I just repeat that all day, when my ADD will let me focus. 5 minute room rescues with a timer are fun.I have a 2yr. old inner child, so I have to make it fun. Whatever it takes. Definitely, your daughter's room IS her responsibility. That is non-negotiable. Cleaning and clearing will help her depression too. Have you thought about having your son, daughter, and son's gf help you in putting together a yard sale come spring? That would be something to work on, or the goal to make a donation box each week? Some people toss. i'm not a tosser, but giving is easy, and there are so many less fortunate people in the world.
This may sound strange, but have you talked with your son heart to heart, given him things to read so that he understands the problem of squalor? I am a hoarder and have no partner or children (i'm sure a lot because of my hoarding). if i got involved at this point, i would tell the potential partner what i am, what i do, and let him read about it so he knows what he is getting into. it helps when other people know. they may not understand or like it, but your kids should know more about this so that they will be less judgmental and more helpful.
Stay with us!
Big hugs
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Post by timetochange on Dec 21, 2008 21:31:54 GMT -5
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
First work on "clean".
Then work on "not cluttered".
Then work on "deep clean".
Then worry about "fixing hazards".
Then worry about fixing "broken stuff".
There a breakdown!
Maybe if you get things cleared out enough, the universe will respond and cheap/free help to fix things will appear where you least expect them!
And have your DD read the SS site and read here too!
Pick one thing each day you will do.... and post here!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Post by threeg on Dec 22, 2008 0:02:40 GMT -5
I have the same problem with nobody coming here, but I think it's not because of the mess. I think that my son is very busy and my daughter in law is just not too close to me. Why? I don't know. However my son always finds time to see his wife's family and that hurts me a lot.  When he does come by, his wife calls him to see if he's done helping me yet.  Then he leaves. My apartment is not so bad. They could visit. They just don't. 3g |
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