anerette
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 4
|
Post by anerette on Dec 27, 2008 18:55:52 GMT -5
Hi, my user name is Anerette. Until I found Survivors Of Squalor and then this site, I thought I was pretty alone in having this problem. Like many of you, I wasn't brought up this way, and in fact I wasn't always this way. But I have been this way for at least ten years now. I have paths to my chair in the living room. It's not like I have things stacked, but there's crap on the floor, like mail, empty food boxes, dirty clothes. My kitchen counters are stacked with more empty containers and I have a one foot space in front of my microwave to use for preparing food, and yes it is moldy. I use it anyway. I also use the top of the stool to fix food. The cutting board on it also has mold. I use it too. I use plastic forks and spoons. I eat out of Styrofoam bowls and plates, even although I have like 15 plates/ bowls, but as I have only wash a FEW dishes (two weeks ago) in the last six months. They are all dirty lying on the floor in the living room.
I have a three bedroom house that I inherited from my parents and only my bedroom is livable. One bedroom remains exactly the same as when my best friend moved out over a year ago (except for the cat hair/ dust and cat vomit/pee). She basically abandoned 99% of her belonging when she left as she didn't want her family (she moved in with her brother) to know what condition they were in. She keeps saying she is going to come over and sort through it all and TAKE IT AWAY. She has stacks of boxes in the living room that the cats are steadily destroying. The other bedroom is a mix of more of her stuff, my late father's computer setup and furniture I moved out of the dining room because she wanted it to be more open. The closet in that room is completely filled with her boxes.
She did come over like six months ago and sort through one box in the dining room, said she wanted some stuff out of it, and unstacked the boxes and then left with out anything with a panicked look on her face, leaving the boxes unstacked. I have started going through them myself and throwing things away. I don't want to think about whats going to happen to our relationship when she finds out. But I want my house back, and one of the things holding me back is her stuff.
She also only took two of her cats with her as she moved into an apartment, and left the other seven with me. I have six cats of my own. So now I have 13 cats!
I didn't mean this to be a rant against my best friend. I had this problem before she moved in. But I can't really get anything CLEANED with her stuff just lying around, being torn apart by the cats.
I also have bad plumbing. My father was a do-it-yourselfer and about ten years before he died, he converted my bathtub into a shower/tub combo. The first thing I notice was that the water flow was very small. He said that he had put a water saver on it. Whatever this water saver was (and no, it's not an attachment on the head or on any visible part of the pipe as viewed from the shower control in the wall), it gradually clogged up and now there is no water flow to either of the showers, and my sink. The pipe in the floor of the kitchen for the sink has rusted out. I have the laundry sink in the garage. I wash my hair there. For washing me, I fill up two buckets of water and sit on a little plastic stool in the bathtub and wash myself. I have been doing this for over three years now. It has become normal to me. I am getting the job done, and I'm saving water too!
But this does make it harder to clean. But it shouldn't. This is how my great grandparents lived, buckets, and a water pump. They had clean houses, why can't I?
I want to purge my house. . . I still have my father's clothes. He died in '97! The house is still set up for my parents, I have no storage for me, it's still reserved for THEM. I realized this around six months ago. I put my stuff on the floor because the closets are for my parents stuff. Yep, that's ONE big realization when you realize that you don't think of your home as YOURS. So, I have mental clutter as well!
I have trespasser problems as well. I have paths in my backyard that I didn't make. I have heard people walking around in the back late at night after I have gone to bed. I'm assuming they or him is a peeping tom. I don't call the police. Guess why.
I must change, if not for the comfort of my mind, but for my own safety. I must get the house cleaned up, so I can call the police when I hear someone in the backyard. I must change.
|
|
|
Post by Ican on Dec 27, 2008 20:23:01 GMT -5
Hello Anerette! Glad you're here. I must admit that when I read the last couple paragraphs of your post, I became alarmed about the part about the trespasser(s). ... That sounds bad. I am afraid for you. ... Gosh, I can understand being embarrassed by our clutter (I am embarrassed about mine, too) - - but I do hope that you would call the police if you feel that you are in danger. (Even if the house isn't cleaned up yet.) I'm wondering, if you were to call the police about the trespasser(s), with your house in it's present state, what do you think would happen? ... If it is just being embarrassed - if it were me, and I was afraid of the trespassers, - I would call the police. . .. (Of course, I am not you, and you have to do what you think is best for you. But please think it over, OK?) I'm not sure what else to say, but I want you to know that I am concerned for your safety. Please understand, - I'm not trying to push you into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. ... I just want you to know that I care. OK? About the other part of your post, it sure seems like you have a lot of other people's stuff in your house. No wonder you are having a hard time decluttering! You have my sympathy about that. By the way, I am new here to the forum myself. I just joined last month, and I have a long way to go as far as decluttering, too. Fortunately, this forum is wonderful. The people here seem to be friendly, and non-judgmental, funny, kind and helpful. I hope this forum helps both of us. Good to have you here, Anerette!
|
|
|
Post by notsomessyshell on Dec 27, 2008 23:01:14 GMT -5
Welcome Anerette! I love animals, too. But it can be a hindrance to cleaning up. If your friend does not want them perhaps you can give them to a no kill shelter? That would alleviate some of your stress. I think a time line ultimatum to your friend is overdue. Give her until a certain date and then all her stuff still left at your house is going out. I don't think she really wants it back or she would already have gotten them. If you are able to go through your parents stuff perhaps you can donate the good stuff and then toss the rest. Yes my gramma cleaned with a bucketful of hauled water. But we now have spray on cleaners and paper towels. Throw away wipes. That and some trash bags can be a great start with immediate results. One small space at a time. Just remember it didn't get this way in a day so undoing it won't happen in a day, either. You can do this! We are here to support, encourage and inspire you!! I look forward to seeing you here!
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on Dec 27, 2008 23:01:59 GMT -5
Welcome, Anerette !
If the trespassers are outside, would the police even have to come in? Once they caught or scared the intruders away, you could go out there to talk to them. No need for them to be in the house unless someone gets inside.
I can understand how you would be unmotivated to clean with your friend's stuff all over the house. Maybe just pick an area to keep clean to inspire yourself -- the area where you cook might be a good place to start. Get in the habit of cleaning it and keeping it that way. Then add another small area.
I hope you find inspiration here. There are ideas a plenty and you deserve to have a nice house that isn't a packed memorial.
messymimi
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Dec 28, 2008 0:15:48 GMT -5
Welcome. I think you can call the police about the trespassers without inviting the police inside. (I have done that before, and they didn't need to come inside for anything.) That part is really creepy and worried me, too. I am glad you are here. I have not been here long, either, but already have gotten a LOT of help. Most importantly, for the first time, I feel like I am among friends - many, many friends. Keep reading, respond when you can, and I believe you will find what you need here. The part about how your grandparents lived; I have thought the same thing about my grandmother. Widowed at 28, with 5 young children, (rural area, early 1900's), no electricity, no refrigeration, no running water, no indoor plumbing, wood cook stove, no washing machine - how did she do it? After giving it considerable thought, and asking her children questions, I came to realize this: she did not have nearly as much to take care of. All their laundry combined was probably less than what I personally own. If you each have three changes of clothes, laundry does not pile up and over-run your house. As children, they did not have boxes and boxes of toys. My mother tells how they made doll clothes by pinning leaves together with thorns. (Their dolls were sticks.) Not much clean-up required there. (And child experts would say it was great for their imaginations.) They had one real doll amongst them. It was treasured, not left lying around on the floor. They did not have the clutter and excess that most of us have. Sweeping the floor probably did not involve picking up any items, because they simply didn't have stuff to scatter around. I came to the conclusion that less stuff = easier cleaning. At Flylady.net, she says you can't organize clutter, you can only get rid of it. I believe our grandparents were able to maintain under more difficult conditions simply because they had less to maintain, and they placed more value on what they did have. Also, it occurred to me that they ate healthier diets than we do, and got more exercise just as a natural result of their living conditions, so perhaps they were stronger and had more energy. Just some thoughts I had. Again, welcome. I look forward to seeing you around.
|
|
|
Post by crazycatlady on Dec 28, 2008 14:28:20 GMT -5
Welcome, Anerette! I'm glad that you found us. It sounds like you have lots of stuff from many people to get rid of, so that you can begin living in your home. You did a great job of describing some issues that bother you (like mold in the kitchen). I hope that you will post when you get those things taken care of.
On the old board (Squalor Survivors) there was a poster who hadn't done her dishes for 4 years. Oh sure, she did some here and there, but they hadn't been completely done for 4 years. What a good feeling when she finally finished them! Your day will come, too.
Whether you start by working, or reading, or both, I'm glad that you are here!
|
|
anerette
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 4
|
Post by anerette on Dec 28, 2008 16:07:13 GMT -5
I have tried twice to answer and my computer ate it. So, now I’m going to write it in Word and then cut and paste. See if that works.
Ican: Thanks for replying to me. The reason I don’t call the police is the city I live in. They have decided that poor/clutter equals gangbangers. They have a war on gangs going on. I’m not going to call them until the backyard is cleaned up and there is no clutter visible from the windows.
Messyshell: A, I love them, B. Best Friend is supposed to get a house down the road. At that point if she doesn’t take them back I’ll think about giving them up.
MessyMimi: Picking an area to clean is good. About three months ago I managed to clean most of the kitchen, (didn’t touch the pantry/fridge). Maintained it for a month. Spend most of my free time in there. Then had to house sit for sister and work holiday hours at both jobs. Fell off wagon. Really liked it when it was clean.
Thank you all for replying to me. It’s nice not having to conceal. To actually talk about this without get an repulsed reaction.
|
|
|
Post by messyang on Dec 28, 2008 20:28:46 GMT -5
Welcome Anerette! I have thrown away so many dishes and pans with caked on things on it. I have also thrown away towels with cat pee/dog poop on them. I use paper plates and disposable utensils. Do what you have to do for now, and don't feel badly AT ALL! As far as the being poor and stuff, I agree that the more money you have, the cleaner your home usually is, because you can have things repaired quickly before they cause damage, or before things get out of hand. You can also afford housekeepers. I remember reading about a family whose children were taken away because the toilet was not functional, and the family had been using a bucket and then cleaning the bucket. I felt sorry for them because they seemed to love their kids, but couldn't afford a plumber. So, being "poor" is a disadvantage. The peeping tom thing scares me , though. Make sure all your windows are completely covered with anything...aluminum foil, paper, anything. And the police don't have to come in the house, give 'em a call. I would give your friend a time limit to get her things, and then threaten to throw them away. Please know you are among friends. You sound ALOT like me. God bless you and lots of hugs.
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Dec 30, 2008 6:01:08 GMT -5
welcome, anerette! i look forward to working with you on the boards, and seeing you get free of other people's stuff.sounds like you're on your way!the idea of giving your friend a time limit to get her stuff out is a good one. you deserve to have a safe and clean home with your stuff that you use or that you love.
i really hope you can get some help from the police about the intruder. that worries me too.
|
|
|
Post by heylady1 on Dec 30, 2008 15:09:27 GMT -5
I'm worried about you too! Is there any way you could hire a neighborhood kid to mow your lawn for cheap? Just to get it to where you could feel okay calling the police if you need to. I would also suggest that for the time being, maybe you could cover up your windows with pretty towels or sheets so it looks like curtains. Then go outside and walk around your house to see if anyone (police included) could look in. That way if your yard was okay and the police couldn't see in your windows and they looked "normal" then maybe you would feel better about calling. That's good that your friend is going to be moving down the street from you. The sooner she gets her things and her cats out of your home, the better off you will be. It should also be a huge jump start for you on cleaning up your home! I hope everything works out for you and please, don't let your fear of being discovered compromise your personal safety!!
|
|
anerette
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 4
|
Post by anerette on Dec 30, 2008 20:46:50 GMT -5
Okay, let’s not get hung up on the trespasser. Let me explain. The lot behind me was empty. There used to be a house there but it burn down, twice! Homeless people were living in the ruins and were chopping up wood at 3:00 a.m. I called the code people at the city and they bulldozed the house down. That’s when the problem started. And when I hear them crunching through the yard, it’s when they are leaving, or passing through. I have never seen anyone. Shrubs and walls limit the view from my bedroom window. The shed in the back has been robbed, (by skaters I presume as they only took ONE daddy made car ramp), but I don’t know when. I didn’t go in the backyard for two years when I was depressed.
About 15 years ago, the sprinkler system broke. My father and brother started new trenches to replace it. My brother met his now wife and moved in with her. My father never did anything with it after that. I didn’t know. I didn’t look out the window (at that time I had blinds). My father had a surprise heart attack and died. I was 90% done with my AA at that point. Got a job at an AFB in a stay-in-school program, and went on to get a BA, commuting to a 4-year university an hour and half away. Oh, and I also worked a second job. That’s when the house got messy. I didn’t realize the backyard was dead until 5 years ago. I have worked on it. Last year I took 49 bags of dead weeds out of it. Now it has devil’s weed and a scattering of dead tops through out the yard. There are 3 wild umbrella trees that are shrubs with packed dead matter between the branches. I have to work on them. There is what the city calls industrial waste that I can’t legally put in the trash can. I have to rent a truck or something to take it to the dump.
Now for the good news. The empty lot is built on now. Slowly. It’s a spec house. It’s built now and they are putting in the walkways around the house. Soon, I won’t have to worry about this, because there will be someone living there. At that point I think the trespasser will stop coming around.
|
|
|
Post by crazycatlady on Dec 30, 2008 22:36:48 GMT -5
Oh, I'm glad that they are building on that lot, Anerette. One thing that you will find here at SooS is that everyone is concerned about you. We definitely want to be sure that you are safe!
What a time you had of it, with the depression, the losses, and the mess piling up. But if you made it through the past few years, you can make it to reclaim your home! I believe in you!
|
|