kalla
New Member
textbook ISTJ
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 67
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 4:03:02 GMT -5
Post by kalla on Dec 31, 2008 4:03:02 GMT -5
Hi y'all ... I've spent the last few days reading and lurking ... and just about every story or post had me in tears. I shoulda known that someone could find any kind of group for any reason online, but I never thought someone else might be in my shoes. Makes me relieved and sad at the same time -- I'm not alone, but crud, I don't wish this on anyone. I'm 35, disabled, living with my mom and sister. They both work fulltime, and I'm supposed to take care of the house, etc. We grew up in third degree squalor, and it wasn't until I went off to college that I had to at least TRY to keep things tidy. Now I'm just trying to get from one day to the next. My family has a very high tolerance for filth. Usually, they just don't care. And the few times they do, it's because someone outside might notice. Otherwise, the apathy is so thick they could cut it, and sometimes it's bloody contagious. I have physical limitations, chronic pain, depression, and social phobias. This house is basically my entire universe, and I'm really really trying to keep it together. Right now it's not so bad, but that's only after hiring a relative to come help me. That was only a week ago, and certain parts of the house are already trashed again. I feel like I'm swimming against an ocean current of crud and there's just no hope. Doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying, it's just that some days ...... Thanks for letting me ramble. This site is awesome. I love the encouragement and enthusiasm I've seen from everyone! Maybe it's just the late-night coffee, but I'm actually a little excited about working on stuff now.
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 4:11:50 GMT -5
Post by notsomessyshell on Dec 31, 2008 4:11:50 GMT -5
Welcome! You certainly have a full plate. This site is wonderful and full of great people.
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 4:23:39 GMT -5
Post by Ican on Dec 31, 2008 4:23:39 GMT -5
Kalla, Hello and Welcome! That was a good introduction you wrote. Glad to have you here with us!
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kalla
New Member
textbook ISTJ
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 67
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 8:55:50 GMT -5
Post by kalla on Dec 31, 2008 8:55:50 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome It was a little hard to make a post, had a few false starts, but I'm glad I finally did.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 12:16:32 GMT -5
Post by Blackswan on Dec 31, 2008 12:16:32 GMT -5
Welcome! It sounds like maintainence might help you a lot. Here's how: Clean up one small area. It could be a corner, a tabletop, a square inch of the floor, whatever, it doesn't really matter WHAT it is, just that you do it. Defend the area with your life! Any time anything messes it up, you go and clean it. When you get to be an old pro at keeping that one small area clean, add another area. Keep both of those areas completely clean. Do this until you feel comfortable with it. Add another area. Eventually, every area in your house will be added! Whatever you do, do not try to clean the whole house now. Your old cleaning methods have not been working for you, and that is probably because maintainence has not been a part of it. That is the missing link! Please don't worry about all of the mess, because as you are cleaning and cleaning, the parts that you have cleaned already will get dirty again before you are done with the rest of the house. Without maintainence, it is a never ending cycle. If you start with the small areas, and keep adding, before you know it, you will be done. Trying to clean all at once is just going to discourage you, because it is a huge job, and because it just doesn't work in the long term. I tried doing it all at once, so many times. I would stay up all night long, cleaning and cleaning, always thinking that if I just had it completely cleaned, it would be ok. I always thought the idea of just cleaning one small area was stupid, and that it could never work. I had so much to do, why was I going to slow myself down? But in a moment of despair, after cleaning and cleaning, and never getting anywhere, I tried it. And it worked! It was the missing link. My house has goine from a very cluttered level 3 to a comfy level 0 -1. Sometimes there are flare-ups, but I know how to get back to it now. Nightly Maintainence! I know it is hard when others are living with you, and they may never come around to it, but at least you are alone in the house most of the day while they work. The more you get rid of the mess you have now, the less messy the daily messes they bring will be. It is so bad now because it has been building up for years. But once you have the house totally desqualored (and it is OK to take a long time doing so!) then it won't seem like so much to run around at night, right before bed and pick up their dirty clothes, dishes, etc. It is not fair that you have to, of course, but try not to let it discourage you. We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves and set a good example! You have complete control of the situation, you just have to be willing to accept it as it is, and start moving on it. Don't wait for them to change, because as you know, its not gonna happen, at least not anytime soon. Posting here is the first step, so glad you were able to do it!
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 14:14:26 GMT -5
Post by messymimi on Dec 31, 2008 14:14:26 GMT -5
Welcome, Kalla !
Yes, there are many of us in these shoes. So soak up the support and find what works for you, things can get better. Blackswan has given you some good ideas to start with, and there are plenty more for the asking.
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 14:40:45 GMT -5
Post by mallery on Dec 31, 2008 14:40:45 GMT -5
Hi Kalla, very nice to meet you!
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newbie
Dec 31, 2008 23:28:38 GMT -5
Post by skatters on Dec 31, 2008 23:28:38 GMT -5
Welcome Kalla! I am in a similar situation with health issues. Sometimes just feeling that you are not alone is helpful.
Perhaps try the "Working in Threes" (WITs) thread in listzilla? Or find anyone in listzilla that is working in a way that inspires you, and jump right in their thread. : )
Just find a place, and jump in. People here at SoS cannot make it go away, but they can make it more motivating and entertaining!
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newbie
Jan 1, 2009 12:55:19 GMT -5
Post by creativechaos on Jan 1, 2009 12:55:19 GMT -5
hi kalla, and welcome and happy new year! you have come to the right place! blackswan's advice is wise about maintenance being an important piece that will make all the difference. i am digging my way out much like she describes, and it is WORKING! i am socially phobic too. some of that comes from shame about my squalor, and my squalor has kept me from having to to let people in; a "defense mechanism" that no longer works. i wonder if some of your social phobia is because of the squalor too. your familial situation sounds difficult. i wish you could find a peer in a similar situation and get an apartment together if that were possible; it might make all the difference for you. but if you can gain mastery of the squalor here and in this situation, you can gain it anywhere!
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newbie
Jan 1, 2009 14:12:08 GMT -5
Post by crazycatlady on Jan 1, 2009 14:12:08 GMT -5
Welcome, Kalla. I'm so glad that you found us, and posted. I'm glad that someone came to help you clean up. I agree with learning to do maintenance. Being able to feel successful about one small area, where you can look and say "I did that" helps so much. And over time, it starts to spread and take over more of the house.
You can do this.
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kalla
New Member
textbook ISTJ
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 67
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newbie
Jan 3, 2009 3:53:14 GMT -5
Post by kalla on Jan 3, 2009 3:53:14 GMT -5
Thanks again for all the replies. And sorry for just disappearing Got it in my head that I suddenly turned into some sort of cleaning superhero and I couldn't come back to post without some heroic tale of conquering the entire kitchen ... I know, I know, I missed the point entirely, and I got stuck in a mental loop of black-and-white thinking ... and because I "failed", I didn't deserve to come back. Isn't it just lovely what this attitude/mindset/whatever does to people?? (sarcasm off) But I realize I did get baby steps done ... did 2 sinks of dishes (no auto dishwasher here, just my 2 prune-y hand), and for about 20 minutes, there were NO dirty dishes in the entire house. That's gotta be worth something. Thanks for pointing out the Listzilla section ... it actually sounds like it could be workable. When my body finally crossed that line into disability, I had a hard time accepting my limitations. I felt 22 on the inside and 92 on the outside. One thing the doctor suggested was working during commercial breaks. Rest while the show was on, but for those 2.5 to 3 minutes of car sales and food ads, I could gather a bag of trash, scoop the litter boxes, etc. Start a load of laundry. Anything to keep moving. For a while it worked but I felt useless and stopped. Maybe that's not a bad way to sneak back into it again. Anyway, thanks again. Off to find a tissue, this place still hits me emotionally. *hopeful sniffles*
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newbie
Jan 3, 2009 4:55:06 GMT -5
Post by isolated on Jan 3, 2009 4:55:06 GMT -5
First off, big hugs to you!
Secondly, I am in a situation similar to yours. Family members do not care, do not help and its just me trying to fight the endless battle.
I scrubbed my bathtub out and it made a difference to me. I set all of my girlish things in there, took a two hour bath tonight and just enjoyed it. My apathetic mood turned to happiness because I did something for myself for once.
Maybe you can try doing that for yourself.
Then trim and paint your nails, organize your purse,makeup bag,jewelry... basically anything that directly affects you. This was advice given to me a few weeks ago, worry about yourself, your space and your needs first. You cant help others if you cannot help yourself as I like to say.
I work during commercial breaks too and it really seems to make a difference. Its kinda like the time limit theory I've seen on here, where you work for 15 minutes and then stop, but a quicker version.
Since you cleaned your kitchen, maybe you should make a special meal just for yourself to enjoy your progress. You have to reward yourself for all of your accomplishments.
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kalla
New Member
textbook ISTJ
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 67
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newbie
Jan 3, 2009 5:53:40 GMT -5
Post by kalla on Jan 3, 2009 5:53:40 GMT -5
I scrubbed my bathtub out and it made a difference to me. I set all of my girlish things in there, took a two hour bath tonight and just enjoyed it. My apathetic mood turned to happiness because I did something for myself for once. Oh how awesome, congrats on your tub! And good for you for enjoying it I couldn't sleep tonight and decided to slowly work on my bedroom. The rest of the house may be a disaster, but my room should be my sanctuary. Let the able-bodied few who actually *made* the mess in the living room worry about it for a while.
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newbie
Jan 3, 2009 7:02:35 GMT -5
Post by priceoverride on Jan 3, 2009 7:02:35 GMT -5
Wonderful, isolated and kalla ! I think in both your situations, you have found a solution for yourselves. Whilst the whole house may be in turmoil, starting work (and maintaining) a small area just for yourself can empower you. You owe it to yourself to have a little piece of heaven amid the hell. Pick an area - your bedroom, or the bathroom, or a little area special to only yourself, and make a difference there. Start in a corner and inch your way out, very slowly. Then maybe, like a tidal wave, the rest of the house will follow. But always, without exception, keep your "safe haven" how you really want it, so you can return when things get overwhelming elsewhere. I expect to shrink back from time to time, but I have one small area that is "mine" which I will defend from everyone. Front and centre stage, people, and take a bow We will applaud until our hands are sore.
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