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Post by breakingfree on Mar 14, 2009 6:46:13 GMT -5
Hi! I am so glad I found this place! I have lurked for a few days and just doing that has helped me tremendously.
I grew up in squalor and have battled it myself all of my life. Right now I am in maintenance mode (I wish I had known about this site when I began desqualoring 5 years ago!) but I still feel such anxiety, like, "Will I relapse?" "How can I make sure I don't go back to it?" I am almost hypervigilant. I see a piece of paper on the coffee table and although I try to ignore it, I ultimately pick it up and do something with it because I am so scared that it will be the ONE THING that sends me into relapse. Or, as my SO teases, I have to do the laundry if there are 2 socks in the basket. I waste so much water by doing laundry so often but I just can't let it sit there. Many of you may be wondering what my problem is if I am in maintenance but I find that I can hardly enjoy my home because of the fear. Have any of you experienced this?
I feel as though this is a place that will understand me. It is hard to admit that you have lived in squalor and fight it almost like an alchoholic must avoid that first drink because he knows where it will lead.
You all seem like such great people and I am so excited to be here.
Thanks for listening,
BF
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Post by iprocrastinate on Mar 14, 2009 9:26:17 GMT -5
 Welcome BF Here we are in all stages of working on our issues. I'm not at maintenance level but I'm sure others will respond that are.
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Post by crazycatlady on Mar 14, 2009 9:55:21 GMT -5
Welcome, BreakingFree. I think that there can definitely be a problem of knowing when to clean, and when to stop cleaning, for many of us. Congrats on digging yourself out of squalor! 
Have you ever checked out FlyLady.com? Some people like it, others don't. But she does give an overview of cleaning different rooms at different times. That could be helpful for you. Or maybe loads of laundry will be washed every 2-3 days, so when those 2 socks call out to you, you can answer them-yes I will get to you, but not today. You will figure out a way to maintain your home in livable comfort, but with an inner feeling of peace an accomplishment.
Stick around. Share your wisdom of how you battled and won. I am very glad that you are here. 
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Post by houndsnroses on Mar 14, 2009 10:46:07 GMT -5
I am finally at maintenance level too, except for the one corner of my bedroom where I have about 3 boxes worth of old papers that need to be sorted/purged. I totally get that whole fear of two socks thing! I guess for me, the way I've been able to maintain and keep my sanity for the last (almost) 2 months is, I remind myself that I will be doing a quick check right before bedtime to see that everything's in its place. My main horror is of waking up, coming downstairs, and finding that same old mess. I do a final straighten every night before I go up to bed to ensure that I am greeted every morning by a quiet, serene, clean, fresh and lovely space. It will be two months for me on 3/20 ~ quite possibly the longest this house has been clean since my ex moved out in 2003. (He was a tyrant of a taskmaster and stayed on my case about it daily, but he also helped out a lot, so it was always clean before then. My apartments in college and graduate school were horrendous though.)
You just have to set boundaries and stick to them, which is what you are doing, and eventually I think you will get used to them and relax emotionally a bit...congrats on maintaining!!! It's every bit as hard as desqualoring, but actually a lot more fun.
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 14, 2009 11:59:32 GMT -5
hi breakingfree, so glad you found us too! welcome to sos, and it is nice to meet someone who's in maintenance! you too, houndsnroses!
i have OCD and am a hoarder, and am not yet in maintenance other than trying to maintain my gains at home, but there is a lot more to purge.
what you describe sounds like some OCD characteristics. personally, i think squalor and hoarding are the flip side to the coin of hypervigilance in cleaning and in life, but it is way more complex than just OCD. it's fear of going back to squalor purgatory that we have all known, and the isolation, depression, shame, etc.
i think houndsnroses is very wise in saying that after living in squalor for a long time, the fear of relapse is natural and healthy, and in time you will relax and trust yourself, while still remaining vigilant of the beginning signs of squalorous ways returning. at least, that's what i tell myself, since i am nowhere near dehoarded, but getting a bit better on maintaining.
i feel that in order to maintain, i would have to give up doing everything that involves paper! art, music, textiles, mosaic, crafts. i really do not know how to address that, but it involves letting go of a lot of dreams and getting realistic about what i can and actually will do, and use. the other piece is learning maintenance habits and keeping up vigilance. it's a moment to moment meditation practice!
i would love to read your story sometime of how yo desqualored and what that process was. i joined a hoarding group 4 years ago, but did not really get into doing any dehoarding or maintaining actions until i found ss, and subsequently joined sos in may of 2008. i dropped off the earth for a few months when my best friend moved far away in september, and i got severely depressed. came back here in early dec. and don't want to stray again!
it is comforting to know that maintainers need this group too. these people are the best i've found anywhere.
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Post by eatingbonbons on Mar 14, 2009 12:46:18 GMT -5
Welcome, BreakingFree!
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Post by notsomessyshell on Mar 14, 2009 13:40:50 GMT -5
Welcome! It is so nice to meet another in maintenance. It gives me hope I can get there, too. |
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Post by charis on Mar 14, 2009 13:58:48 GMT -5
Welcome |
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Post by Arid on Mar 14, 2009 15:14:06 GMT -5
My suggestion is similar to crazycatlady's: set up a schedule for doing the laundry. It could be an every-other-day schedule, or it could be something like every Monday and Thursday are laundry days.
I do it a little differently. I sort my laundry into baskets according to color and/or type of clothing. When I get a full basket, I wash it! This may mean that I go two or three days with doing no laundry; I may do laundry daily (happens often in the summer); or I may have a day where I do two or three loads in one day. Granted, this method works only if one has enough space to set up a series of baskets!
However, this method cuts down on the "wasting water" aspect. It DOES allow for doing small loads when necessary. For example, you might not have enough red-colored items ever to come up with a whole laundry basket full of them at one time. You soon would figure out that when that basket is half full--it's time to wash those items! A third benefit is that if you need a particular item that is in the wash, you will be able to locate quickly which basket it is in (e.g. if you need your tan slacks, you will know that they are in the "tan/khaki" basket), and you will be able to wash it right away, even if there are only two other things with it in the basket. See what I mean?
When life gets "crazy," I occasionally get a bit behind on the laundry, and I then end up doing several loads at one time to get caught up. Still, I NEVER have a huge mountain of "Mt. Washme" with which to contend because dirty clothing gets sorted on a daily, usually.
This method works great for me, and I highly recommend it for anyone who has the space/resources for handling laundry in this manner.
Arid
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Post by valor on Mar 14, 2009 15:45:02 GMT -5
Welcome, Breakingfree I use a method of doing laundry similar to what Arid described above. I love having fresh clothes and linens, however I may have to switch to having everything I own all one color (a dark color that hides dirt  ) to make it easier! |
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Post by messymimi on Mar 14, 2009 21:29:56 GMT -5
Welcome, BreakingFree !
I fight every day to keep the areas I do have control of under control, so I do understand.
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by breakingfree on Mar 16, 2009 8:09:06 GMT -5
Thank you for all of the warm replies! I feel as though I have finally found someone who truly understands me.
Saturday night SO invited his brother and his GF over for dinner. I like them, but quite honestly, I just don't like having people over. SO is a very sociable person, though, and I usually end up having a good time once the company is there, but I go through agony, let me tell ya! For example, I just couldn't let the dirty dishes sit in the sink. I had to get them out of there before I felt like I could enjoy watching a movie. That's it...it's like if there's ANYTHING that needs to be cleaned I feel like I can't have fun until it is done. I am trying to get better about this. Then, yesterday SO installed a faucet in the downstairs bathroom. I cannot begin to explain the anxiety that caused me. I had this fear of all of those plumbing parts and stuff that goes under the sink just staying there forever!! Ultimately, after we had to make 10 trips to Home Depot haha, we got it done and everything put away. Only then could I relax.
Thanks again for being here!
BF
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