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Post by dustkitten on Apr 2, 2009 11:56:04 GMT -5
Hi! I'm Arielle. I was raised in squalor and neglect. As a result, I, myself, became a "neat freak" as an adult.
Three years ago, after living for decades in order and cleanliness, I married a hoarder without realizing that is what he is.
I have finally faced it.
Unfortunately, my husband has not.
Two counselors have asked me if I want to stick with this guy and work things out or leave.
That is the decision I have come here to make.
I will post my problem on the main board.
Thanks for creating this place for people like me.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 2, 2009 12:36:52 GMT -5
Welcome and I am glad you found us. There are others here dealing with the same problems you face. You will receive wise counsel from our members. I hope you hang in there....these things can be worked out.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 2, 2009 13:16:54 GMT -5
- Hi Arielle! This site is primarily for people who want to clean up their own messes. Or for people who used to create their own messes, and have since cleaned up their own messes. We really aren't set up to help non-messy people. You are welcome to lurk and learn. Members have posted some links in this other thread: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=intro&thread=1935Inside that thread is a link for friends and family members of hoarders. In addition to the links in the thread I mentioned, you might also consider "Children of Compulsive Hoarders", which now supposedly has a forum for spouses. www.childrenofhoarders.comYour husband would be welcome here, if he wishes to join. And you are welcome to lurk and learn here. If you ever have (or had) any messiness issues of your own making, please feel free to post about them in any of our forums. -
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Post by slothzilla on Apr 2, 2009 14:21:45 GMT -5
I am by no means qualified to give relationship advice, and you've probably already done this - but have you stressed to your husband that this is threatening your relationship? If its bothering you that much, by all means, let him know.
If his hoarding is of a collecting nature, perhaps he could limit it to one room. If its just too much stuff in general, talk to him about it and emphasize how an uncluttered, spacious living environment enriches the quality of your life, and is very important to you.
I know I'm just stating the obvious here...hope you can work it out.
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Post by eagle on Apr 2, 2009 19:30:08 GMT -5
Arielle, this must be very difficult for you. Thank you for your courage in posting.
My best friend in high school grew up in a home that would have been level 2 at the least, and maybe a 3. Did she become squalorous herself? I do not know, as we have not kept in touch.
I, on the other hand, grew up in a clean and orderly home and I did become squalorous.
My sons both grew up in my home. One has struggled with squalor in his life for at least two decades since growing up. The other does not.
Were they both affected? Obviously they were.
Could the non-squalorous son fear that he may become squalorous as his mother and brother? Yes, I think that is a real possibility.
And then, if he married someone who then turned out to have the same problem he has worked his entire life to escape, how difficult that would be for him. I would hope he would seek some kind of help, and not try to face the anguish alone.
We have other members who did not come here to clean up their own messes. And they continue to be members in good standing. So, I would like to extend a hand of welcome to you.
What you may learn here is that we struggle with our squalorous tendencies. Or some who are hoarders, but not squalorous, struggle with the compulsion to hoard. You may or may not understand our struggle. But you have seen it and I am sure a lot of it will sound familiar to one degree or another. However, you may have less tolerance for our struggles as we have for each other. I hope you can learn empathy, if not understanding.
We don't even understand why we are this way, really. So if you don't, either, that's really okay. We support each other with kindness and caring in our endeavors to change and improve our lives and our homes.
Some would suggest that you tread lightly because we have had experience with non-squalorees who were intolerant and unkind in their posts once they joined our forum at Squalor Survivors. Some would fear the kinds of statements and responses that we have heard from real face-to-face people, and would not be comfortable coming here if that were to happen.
For that reason, I would agree that you tread lightly. But please do not leave if you are struggling. Feel free to contact me via PM if you have any questions or concerns that you might not want to publicize. I will be happy to try and be as compassionate with you as the members here are with me.
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 2, 2009 20:38:48 GMT -5
hi arielle, and welcome;
you have already gotten plenty of wise counsel here. i would suggest that any newcomer, including yourself, read the board policies, which will help clarify what we are doing here and how we choose to conduct ourselves and treat each other.
being both a hoarder and a squalorer who is struggling to recover because i WANT to, i empathize with your position. if your husband is not in the contemplation, preparation, or action stages of recovery, it would be difficult for you and is probablly triggering a lot of memories for you.
here, we mostly deal with our own squalor issues and our own recovery. you can learn a lot about hoarding by reading the book "buried in treasures". it is written for the hoarder but there is plenty in there for the loved ones of hoarders, and it helps with understanding thoughts and reasonings that seem go go along with hoarding and acquiring. it also has many helpful ways to deal with the thinking and learn new thinking and non acquiring habits. the book is very gentle and compassionate. it is one of the best books i have ever found of all the books out there on hoarding (and i have read quite a few). perhaps your husband would be willing to read it with you, if he is aware of his hoarding as a problem. if not, then maybe it would help you to just read it yourself and it may make your own decisions about how to proceed much clearer.
what works best with hoarders is gentle patience and example. pushing, pressuring, criticizing, clearing out their stuff "for them" will only put them into a resistance pattern, or worse, severe emotional trauma and PTSD.
we support each other here through encouragement, gentleness, and celebrating our every little step. we reach out helping hands to each other when we have setbacks. we take into account that people move at different paces and have different issues to solve and different ways of solving them. you can learn a lot here.
children of hoarders might be a good place for you to get the type of support you are looking for from others who live with hoarders and squalorers. if you are here to try to understand more about us and the hoarders in your own background and present life, you may be in the right place. this group is not hoarding specific, and many people in here are not hoarders.
ultimately, only you can decide whether love and acceptance of the totality of your husband is stronger than the parts that make him hard to live with. best of luck to you both.
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