|
Post by becki on Apr 7, 2009 13:37:04 GMT -5
My second son is SO different from the rest of my kids. He wants what he wants and the world (me) better provide. I do not know why he feels so entitled. He joined a sports team at school that practices after school and does not provide transportation. I told him I would pick him up, but he is not the only child and may have to wait somedays. The first time I was not there EXACTLY at the time HE wanted he walked over to a friends house. He later called me from there to pick him up. I did, but told him DIRECTLY do not do that again. He needs to stay at school until I get there. Well he did it again yesterday. I was so mad told him that maybe he doesnt need to be on the team anymore. He smirked and told me that I will pick him up or he can go to his friends or He will tell the school counselors about our mess and they will report us. He knows my fears about this. I don't think he would actually do it, but the fact that he felt okay about using this for leverage really makes me so sad.
|
|
|
Post by louiserae on Apr 7, 2009 13:44:25 GMT -5
Our kids know which buttons to press. I am sorry he said that to you, I can imagine how you felt. Can you call his bluff and tell him if he got taken away he would be worse off without you.
|
|
|
Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 7, 2009 13:49:13 GMT -5
Wow, that hurts, I'm sure. I have a teenager and I honestly don't know what to tell you to do. Maybe it's time to get the mess at a reasonable level so it won't be a threat? And then let him find his own way home if he can't seem to follow your rules. Don't let him hold this over your head.
|
|
|
Post by 60isolderthanithot on Apr 7, 2009 14:16:38 GMT -5
Once you let him get away with this once, he will use it repeatedly.
You've reached a fork in the road. You need to decide on a response and maybe you need to consider the well being of both of you before you take any options off the table.
|
|
|
Post by zinnia on Apr 7, 2009 14:35:17 GMT -5
I suggest you pick up some heavy-duty trash bags (and whatever other supplies you need) and do an immediate crisis cleaning.
And make an appointment with a (non-school) counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Even once your house is clean (cleaner), blackmailing you/manipulating you is a serious problem.
Hugs to you.
|
|
|
Post by brenda on Apr 7, 2009 14:37:26 GMT -5
Clean the house and make him walk.
|
|
|
Post by Alexandra on Apr 7, 2009 14:40:58 GMT -5
What Brenda said.
Don't give him anything to hold over you...that way you won't feel the need to give into him.
|
|
victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
|
Post by victoriaj on Apr 7, 2009 15:08:47 GMT -5
I have no idea how messy your house is - it varies a lot even on this board. I have no idea whether it's an empty threat used because he knows it's something you fear, or a whether there really would be problems if people found out what your house is like (and I'm not judging - my house certainly wouldn't pass as fit for children, I don't have children which means I also don't have half the pressures on my time that you have). I think that's something you need to think about. I do feel uncomfortable with the idea of hiding something so that child services don't get worried. I do think there's an unreasonable level of stigma about mess, and I doubt I'd agree with these people about when a messy house stopped being a good home (provided children are loved and otherwise looked after). However sometimes our houses hurt us, and that means sometimes they hurt children too I think. Right now your mess is preventing you parenting your son - whether the actual mess is hurting him or not, you are losing the control you need in the relationship because he thinks he's found something he can hold over you. (And again I'm really not trying to be judgemental, my mess stops me succeeding at my studies, makes me less good at my job, makes me a bad big sister....etc.) Your son is being what in my family we call a complete horrorbag (we also recognise that everyone is sometimes a horrorbag). His attempt to assert control is a perfectly normal part of growing up, but it's also very very important that he doesn't get away with this. He needs to grow up into a young man who will be in control of his life, he can't do that (well) by taking control of your life. So you need to do something - whether it's realising your house isn't as bad as you fear, or realising it is and you need to act now. And if you can't do it yourself you do need help to do it. Clean the house and make him walk. Make HIM help clean the house ! Seriously. Regardless of whether his threat has any real bite he's expressed dissatisfaction with the state of the house. He can take action too. (And if he doesn't I can see quite a lot of his stuff ending up in the bin bags). I'm not particularly harsh with children - I really do consider this kind of fight to be part of growing up, and I do tend to feel quite sympathetic towards the child because it's really a sign of how powerless they are. But I do think you need to regain control. There are consequences to his actions. If he cannot be trusted to attend sports practice and comply with your instructions he can't be on the team. A second chance is good, and of course a chance to be on the team again next year if he's behaving better.... (As I said I don't have children. My advice may not be helpful. I am a big sister though, and my sister will sometimes act like we're both 8 and squabble with me, but if I'm in charge she behaves better for me than our father. I don't give in when she argues or tantrums, he sometimes does. I try to be kindly because I wouldn't want to be her age again, I'll even sympathise when I'm the one being "mean"). I'm sorry to be so harsh (not to mention bossy ). I have only good thoughts for you. I can't imagine how hurtful it has been for you to have your son turn against you in this way, but I know exactly what it's like to be shameful and fearful of the state of my own home. And I know that while our situations are bad sometimes we remain good and worthwhile people, and I really do believe we can make changes to our lives. Good luck. Victoria J
|
|
|
Post by skitter on Apr 7, 2009 15:14:47 GMT -5
Hi Hidingfromhouse,
I don't know how old you son is, but is it safe for him to be waiting around at school after his game has finished? Would he be safer walking home with his friend?
Aside from that, the blackmail is a real problem. If he will say that, he might just as easily say he was being abused, starved or neglected even if your home is neat. I would see a counsellor first myself and find out what kind of action s/he would recommend. I would also wish that I had a recording of him threatening to lie to authorities so that they could hear that any report might be a premeditated attempt to get his own way.
Best wishes. skitter
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Apr 7, 2009 15:55:16 GMT -5
Hi Hidingfromhouse, I don't know how old you son is, but is it safe for him to be waiting around at school after his game has finished? Would he be safer walking home with his friend? Best wishes. skitter Hi! I was thinking the same thing. Also, how long does he have to wait? I can understand wating for 15 minutes or so, if old enough, but much longer than that and I can understand why he went to a friend's house. Just a couple of different ways to look at it. Also, I am a "squaloree in recoveree." I know what it is like both to grow up in it and raise a child in it. While your son's blackmailing you is wrong, has he tried to help/discuss the condition of the house with you before? Is there any way you two can work on it together? I'm sorry if these questions are answered elsewhere, but again, these are just points to ponder. Good luck and BF
|
|
|
Post by threeg on Apr 7, 2009 15:55:38 GMT -5
HFH. Teens are so hard to deal with on a good day, let alone when they're acting like five year olds. He needs to help you clean, and you need to talk to the school counselor about his manipulative attitude. My son never tried that exact threat, (And believe me, if he did tell he would have been taken due to the lack of running water.) but he did threaten to call DSS once at age 15 when I smacked his arm for mouthing off once to many times. I called his bluff! I told him "Go ahead, but by the time they get here you'll get the beating that you never got, because I'm not going to jail for nothing." Then I handed him the phone. He hung it up and never threatened me again. He also thought twice before mouthing off any more. He remembers that day and said he needed to learn that lesson. He's 40 now and raising 3 teenagers himself. You and anyone with teens are in my prayers. It's not easy but you have to stand up to him and refuse to be blackmailed. 3g
|
|
|
Post by phoebepj on Apr 7, 2009 16:02:19 GMT -5
i did the same type of threat at 15-17 yrs old.. threatening to call social services, my mom and dad handed me the phone and said go ahead...
i never did. call his bluff and tell him he's off the team for his poor attitude and disrespect towards you.
|
|
|
Post by phoebepj on Apr 7, 2009 16:04:13 GMT -5
also, talk with the coach and tell him you're experiencing disrespect at home from him... most coaches wont tolerate disrespect and will bench him for a while.
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Apr 7, 2009 16:47:01 GMT -5
Dear Hiding from house,
This is not new. This kid has found your soft spot and is using it to his advantage. (every child tries this) Only in this case, if by chance he does report you, it could mean serious consequences to you and the whole family. This child is using this for leverage NOT because he feels unsafe in the house. I know a mother who 's child did threaten and eventually did report their house. Now as for what I would do..... My heart goes out to you. I know this makes a bad situation worse. 1. Get the trash out. 2. clean place for every child to sleep 3. clean food preparation area. 4. Clear entrances and walkways. 5. clean clothes for kids. And please, please ,please make that boy help you. Then after your house is in compliance , tell that boy that you are the parent and he is to follow your rules. Then hug this child and forgive him for being a little stinker.
|
|
|
Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 7, 2009 17:23:04 GMT -5
I really feel for you hfh. I have children aged 14 to 8 and know how testing they can be. I also understand the enormous guilt that arises from our living situations. Whilst everone has some good ideas, I feel that def6's suggestions are spot on.
Most of us at some time will experience a wake up call, or an unavoidable deadline that forces us to take action. I feel that your son is using this as his way of "asking for a change". Clean up, we can help you with suggestions and motivation.
Let him continue with his sport as this is very important for his social and physical development, but talk to his coach about your son's need to learn a little discipline. I would also rethink your stance regarding him walking home with his friend, unless you have other reasons not to allow this. Confirm first that the other parent is ok with this, but this may be very helpful to you as it will take away the pressure of arriving at an exact time, whilst keeping him safe. Possibly he is just scared to wait alone, and embarrassed to admit. Hug him.
Big hugs to you hfh. You can do this, and just imagine how you will feel when it's done!
|
|