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Post by Lucky Laura Loving Life on Apr 7, 2009 21:29:21 GMT -5
Dear Hiding, You didn't mention his age or if you have had the rebellious behavior before. The teen years are hard, and like you mentioned there can be a vast difference between siblings ! My first two were boys 17 month's apart and totally unique personality's each.It seems from the replies that you have received a lot of good ideas. I know you will figure out the best approach for you and yours. It is a very hurtful thing He said and I'm sorry. I know if mine had said that I would have been hurt and angry! Keep your chin up and let us know how you decide to resolve the situation. Love,Laura  |
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Post by gifted on Apr 7, 2009 21:43:55 GMT -5
I am assuming he is a teenager. Tell him that if he reports you, then you certainly will not have the time to play chauffeur. And if he lives somewhere else, then he may not be able to do sports or even go to the same school (assuming he likes that school.
I would expect that the ages of your children have a lot to do with how the authorities look at the situation.
Oh, by the way, if he has time and energy for sports, then I would say he can also do his own laundry, etc.
Although it doesn't excuse his behavior, could this be a result of peer pressure, and he wants to impress his friend? I know that I used to refuse to buy single servings of chips, and my son would argue with me. One day, he asked if we were poor. I felt really badly,
But it is easy for me to give advice. My son is now thirty. But while he was growing up, I was very inconsistent with discipline. I would forget that he was grounded, or whatever. He ran me ragged! But he never did try blackmail, or try to use leverage against me.
But you should certainly find a good counselor to help deal with his blackmailing.
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Post by messyang on Apr 7, 2009 23:42:48 GMT -5
I am so sorry for what you are going through!!! I have four lovely children, and my oldest is just like your son. Since his father's death, he feels the world owes him. Honey, I don't know your level of squalor, but I would get some garbage bags, clean like a demon and then call his *** bluff!!!!! This may be the motivation you need. You will feel better AND stronger. And for the person who said to talk to his coach, I agree! Mention to him that you will call his coach and see if he calls your bluff! God bless you and your situation. Let us know how it all turns out.
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Post by ontheway on Apr 7, 2009 23:54:48 GMT -5
Tell him the consequence of not following your directions is...
to help you clean up the mess! And if he continues to be disrespectful and threaten, allowance and parent purchases reduced.
Set a certain number of hours per week (equal to his sports time?) for clean up for 4 weeks. Clean up with him - direct him, have him carry out the bags. Start with the obvious - his bedroom and go through the process of 3 boxes:
Garbage box(es) (with a plastic bag in it)
Move box(es) (items have to be moved to a different room)
Sort box(es) (things that belong in his room but need to be put away)
Be sure to clean off SURFACES, jumbled messes of nicknacks, papers, toys, game components, etc on top of dressers, book shelves, desks, computers, night stands, etc. Just having those surfaces clear with motivate the both of you - it will look so much better. If you have to, begin with clothing and blankets and clear the room's floor and bed, chairs that way.
After the first 2 boxes are moved out of the room and emptied, bring the empty boxes back into his bedroom. You will probably need additional boxes.
Your new boxes will be will represent the new sorting:
Give away box(es) - either to another sibling or charity
Depending on what your son has stuff wise, you may have boxes for magazines/books, CDs/DVDs, video games/ sports equipments, school supplies/desk supplies, clothing, toys
If you have a designated area for these items - shelves you should have him sort and re-arrange the items neatly, which often makes room (especially if you have him remove the stuff that DOESN'T belong there)
Start taking items out of the sort box one at a time. Hand him the item and tell him to put it away - fold it and put in a closet or dresser, CD on a CD pile, magazine or book on a book case. If there isn't room there yet, put a box in front and neatly pile the stuff in the box. But try to put as much as possible in its proper place OR throw/give it away.
Next, have him carry a strong garbage bag from room to room and collect stuff of his that belong in his room. He must bring them back and sort them through the same process.
Then sit him down and discuss how HE contributes to the mess on a daily basis. Not putting things back where they belong, leaving dishes around, tossing clothing and items item. Have him work in the kitchen washing the dishes (even if you have a dishwasher) and wiping down the counters and appliances, then sweeping and mopping the floor. List the tasks - assign him a different task each day (not all on one day). Have him unpack the groceries after carrying them in for you, and direct where he should put them. Have him straighten out the pantry. He is old enough to do "stocking" like in stores and supermarkets - tell him it is preparation for when he is looking for a parttime job. Definitely have him take out the garbage.
If he protests, tell him the consequence of him doing what he threatens will be a LOT worse than what you are asking him to do - that he has had a free ride up to now - just like, and if he wants to be picked up - then he has to pay you like a taxi service. Call a taxi service and find out what the rate is from your house to school and back again - and charge him half or one quarter each time he wants to be picked up!
Good luck!
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Apr 8, 2009 7:29:53 GMT -5
Sport might be good for kids' physical development but it tends NOT to be good for their character. Google the issue sometime. Kids learn exactly what this kid is showing: power against an opponent is justified by the need to win. The lessons kids learn from team sports are not what too many parents, especially women, think are being taught. There's a reason so many college campus rapes involve athletes.
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Post by becki on Apr 8, 2009 9:39:19 GMT -5
Thanks guys, a lot of good advice. When he said that, I did not respond to him. Yesterday he just came home at the regular time. He quit the team. I am not sure he even wanted to be on the team. I cannot even be sure he went to the practices or just was going over to his friends after school. He is 12 1/2, but somewhere he got the idea he should be spoken to as an adult, and deserves the same privledges as an adult. He is the 1 child that doesn't help out willing around the house. If asked to do something he rolls his eyes, whines, stomps around (All adult behavior right). One thing he is supposed to do all the time is clear off the table after dinner. NEVER does it without a reminder. Then only does part of it, then needs a reminder to wipe it off after it is cleared. "WHAT, You didn't tell me I had to wipe it off this time"  ? I don't think he would report anything, and I don't think our house is bad enough for a removal of children. I see kids in worse physical looking condition everyday at the school when I am pickingup/dropping mine off. I think many of you are right. He sees himself as getting older and is testing how far I will let him go. I also think 60 has a point. He wants to win EVERYTHING. Every discussion, every arguement with his brothers. He even YELLS at his gameboy when he loses a game. |
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Post by puppybox on Apr 8, 2009 13:13:21 GMT -5
Maybe he quit the team because they lost a game.
He seems a bit young for this type of behaviour, I assumed he was at least 15.
He's definitely having trouble living in his own skin if he's yelling at the gameboy. He is going to not have an easy time in life if he can't accept losing. I don't know what you should do. but I think this "must win- even the discussion-" thing is definitely the problem.
He needs to respect something or somebody. Maybe he'd like martial arts lessons, or army cadets or something where they teach self discipline.
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Post by Lucky Laura Loving Life on Apr 9, 2009 21:20:46 GMT -5
Dear HFH,
You may want to verify if He did in fact attend as he said.I would want to know where and how the time was spent otherwise.You have not mentioned if his father is in the picture and if so what is his take on all this.
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Post by Platypus on Apr 10, 2009 2:55:43 GMT -5
I would say you need to get on top of this type of behaviour quick smart or you will have a big problem on your hands. Families have been torn to shreds by teenagers making false allegations. He needs consequences for trying to be manipulative. That behaviour is totally unacceptable to you. He could lose that Gameboy for a week for instance.
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 10, 2009 3:51:47 GMT -5
dear hiding,
i feel for you in this situation; how hurtful and rude of your son to threaten you like that. i just want to say i'm thinking of you and hope you can find some way to get through this with him, and call his bluff. i agree with the others who say this behavior from him is disturbing and unacceptable, and needs to be nipped in the bud. you deserve better treatment from your son who's getting a free ride from you. the other children pull their weight and he should, too.
i think talking to the coach and finding out if your son was showing up for team practice and why he quit the team is an excellent idea for starters, and to let the coach know you're having problems with his disrespect at home. what the coach says may give you some insight into your son's behavior. i worry for you that your son may try something worse. if your son is "suddenly" having this attitude, then i wonder where he is learning this type of extortion, and i wonder if he has had some kind of incident or difficulty himself. please keep us posted on this situation, and i hope you can get some help through a counselor or somehow get to the root of the problems he's having. sounds like he has an anger problem, and i wonder if he has been bullied in school and is learning to be a bully too. wishing you the best.
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Post by houseworkhater on Apr 10, 2009 13:29:47 GMT -5
It sounds to me like he is trying to exert control...maybe he is just trying to manipulate you, or maybe he is desperate for the situation to change and is using whatever he thinks he has. If he did report you, would you get in trouble? Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to talk to him about the state of the house and what you can do together to remedy it...?
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Apr 21, 2009 13:43:08 GMT -5
I don't have children, but I do work with inmates, who are basically men who act like children.
Perhaps two can play at his game? If he's so distressed at the state of the house, I'm sure he would be thrilled to help you clean it up! Perhaps the abundance of choices about exactly how or what to clean is overwhelming to him, and he needs more limited choices, for example, "Which would YOU rather clean first: the bed room, or the bathroom?"
If you can keep this approach up long enough, he might even admit that he was trying to manipulate you. Even if you don't take it that far, your house will be cleaner.
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heather
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 52
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Post by heather on Apr 21, 2009 19:39:02 GMT -5
Perhaps it's a sign that I don't have any kids: my first thought was "psychopath" and the second was "military school."
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Post by Platypus on Apr 22, 2009 10:54:58 GMT -5
We don't have military schools in Australia but I have seen them in movies. Do they really exist like the movies? Does anyone know of someone who went to one, or whose kids did?
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