golightly
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 2
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newbie
Apr 8, 2009 9:28:27 GMT -5
Post by golightly on Apr 8, 2009 9:28:27 GMT -5
I need help. I'm actually kind of a neat freak and I am definitely not a hoarder. Throughout my life I have mercilessly thrown things I don't need away. I don't usually attach sentimental value to things. I'm sentimental about my daughter's things, but I've managed to keep that under control. My problem is my husband. I think he has hoarding tendencies. His junk is taking over the house. I think we are close to stage one squalor. The only reason it hasn't gone further is because I have actively fought it for a long, long time. We've been together for 10 years. There are so many broken electronics around the house, 14 old cans of paint in the garage (among many other things, this is just an example) lots of old clothes of his. It's spread to my stepdaughter's room. I have no room for my own things. I like a light, clean airy home. I like living with a minimum of posessions too much junk weighs me down. I'm starting to get depressed and overwhelmed myself. I love my husband and we have a good life together. He's a great dad and has a good sense of humor. He tells me the house is too small, we just need to go somewhere bigger. We have two large totes full of records from his high school days. This man is 46 years old. He has clothes from the eighties hanging in our closet. A basket full of electrical cords. To what?? I don't know, but we can't throw it away!! I really want to get some of this crap cleared out and I don't know how to help him overcome his apathy and fear that he will someday need this stuff. I recently returned to school and finished my degree. A couple of weeks after I graduated I threw my backpack in the trash (I don't need it anymore). I went to the garage and he had fished it out. He told me he's giving it to goodwill. The problem is, he never does. Now it's been sitting in the garage for a week. If I was to start a fight and be a total *** about it, it would probably be gone, but I can't fight about everything. Any words of wisdom or tips on how to get him motivated to get rid of some of this stuff??? p.s. I'm not judgemental to anyone about their problems. While hoarding may not be my problem, rest assured everyone, I have many of my own problems that are just as if not more troublesome than hoarding!!
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newbie
Apr 8, 2009 11:00:57 GMT -5
Post by messyjedi on Apr 8, 2009 11:00:57 GMT -5
Since he likes the idea of things getting used rather than tossed, what if you schedule a charity pick up and then help him get things ready to go out? Have boxes and bags ready and as he says he is giving something to goodwill, in the box it goes. Then out to the road it goes on pick up day. Maybe you can wittle away a little at a time that way?
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newbie
Apr 8, 2009 12:48:46 GMT -5
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 8, 2009 12:48:46 GMT -5
-- Quoting excerpts from your post:I'm actually kind of a neat freak and I am definitely not a hoarder.
My problem is my husband. I think he has hoarding tendencies. His junk is taking over the house.
I don't know how to help him overcome his apathy and fear that he will someday need this stuff.
Any words of wisdom or tips on how to get him motivated to get rid of some of this stuff???
p.s. I'm not judgmental to anyone about their problems. While hoarding may not be my problem, rest assured everyone, I have many of my own problems that are just as if not more troublesome than hoarding!! You've said you're "kind of a neat freak". Well some of us would call you a "cleanie" (as opposed to us being "messies"). Generally, you might find that we are somewhat leery of cleanies posting on our boards. I notice that you've taken the username "golightly". So I guess you are treading lightly here and that's appreciated. 1) I appreciate that you are trying to be non-judgmental. 2) I appreciate that you have come here to learn. 3) This board is NOT focused on family members of of messies/hoarders. (but you are welcome to read and learn). 4) This board is primarily focused on/for messies/hoarders (or former messies/hoarders) themselves. 5) You are welcome to read and learn here. I am glad that you want to learn. 6) Your husband is welcome to join this board, if he so CHOOSES. 7) You cannot get him to do anything. He has to choose for himself to change. It would be like trying to make an alcoholic stop drinking. Ultimately, an alcoholic has to choose for himself/herself to change, and make a conscious decision to do so. 8) On choosing to change: I came here when I was not ready to change, but knew I ought to change. I began reading every day, until some of the concepts started permeating my being. Eventually I chose to change, and began cleaning up my home.
Others come here and immediately begin changing right away.
Each of us is different. The thing is this ... this board's primary focus is on cleaning up our own messes (or learning to maintain the cleanliness of our own previously messy homes). We don't want to divert our focus to helping friends and family members. Yet family members are welcome here to read and learn. We especially appreciate it when you are respectful. My suggestion is this: How about reading these threads: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=intro&action=display&thread=4565and takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=intro&thread=1935and takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=3951If you are willing to wade through those threads, please consider looking at some of the resources mentioned within those threads. Specifically the links about hoarding, the doctors who specialize in hoarding, and the books on hoarding (not so much the videos on hoarding). You might find some more insight on how the mind of a hoarder works. Also, I suggest looking within those threads -- for the links specifically for loved ones of hoarders. It's not an easy fix. You can't just tell him one magical motivational statement and expect him to change. If he's a hoarder, you have to understand that mindset. That's a mindset you really have to study to understand. -
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newbie
Apr 8, 2009 13:26:02 GMT -5
Post by Arid on Apr 8, 2009 13:26:02 GMT -5
In other words, your husband has to change "from the inside out"-- if he chooses to change at all, that is. If you resort to throwing things away "behind his back", it will only make his hoarding worse. He will begin clinging to everything he owns with a real death grip!!!
messyjedi's suggestion about having a "charity box" ready for filling at all times is a great one. It is what I do. When I get a full box or bag, I take it to a thrift store. This is something that you can do with all of those items that your husband says can go to Goodwill. You won't be doing it in a sneaky manner, and you WILL be able to get those things out of your way.
Personally, I think that it is sad that the old adage "opposites attract" so often seems to be true. Ideally, over time, you and your husband will be able to meet each other halfway with this problem, but it will take real work and a willingness to compromise on both your parts.
Arid
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newbie
Apr 8, 2009 14:12:08 GMT -5
Post by breakingfree on Apr 8, 2009 14:12:08 GMT -5
Hi!
I am a "recovering squaloree." I have been there and have desqualored. Others who have posted are correct. Tread lightly. Do not belittle your mate. Be patient. As I made my way through my stuff again and again I realized I needed to keep less and less of it. It took 5 years but I am now squalor-free and in maintanece. This is something that requires life-long vigiliance. The squaloree, or hoarder, has to change his/her complete mindset. This can take a lot of time. Some never change, others change at so slow a pace that "cleanies" lose patience. Others do overcome eventually.
Perhaps give him designated areas outside the "common" areas of the house where he can have his things, i.e. an area in the garage, an office, etc. When things are in "community" or "family" space, simply move them to his area. Also, the perhaps have a specific place for items slated for donation and take them away, say, once a week. If he says an item is to go to the Goodwill, then ask him if it can go to this designated space. If so, then you know that within a week the item or items will be gone. You will also be giving him respect and keep him in part of the decision-making process. This is just one suggestion among many you will receive here.
Good luck and welcome!
BF
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golightly
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 2
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newbie
Apr 9, 2009 6:46:51 GMT -5
Post by golightly on Apr 9, 2009 6:46:51 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for your replies. Courageously, I will read through the posts you have suggested. I wasn't trying to step on anyone's toes or take focus of anyone's own efforts to "desqualor". I just thought maybe those who have been in my husband's place may have had some tips for motivation. Anyway, the charity box is a great idea. I also like the idea of him having his own area for his things. I'm just trying to prevent things from getting out of control. Thanks again.
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newbie
Apr 9, 2009 8:45:01 GMT -5
Post by breakingfree on Apr 9, 2009 8:45:01 GMT -5
Hi golightly,
I think it is great that you are wanting to get input from those who are having the same issues as your mate. To me, this shows that you are trying to understand him better by looking at things from his perspective and that is good! Plus, who better to give you insight on his issues than people who share those same qualities. Who should know better than they, right?
Likewise, we squalorees realize we have issues. Some of us are at the point to where we can modify our behavior, others are not. One thing I can tell you is this: being mean to the person just makes it worse. My ex-husband insulted me a lot. And, the things I tried to do were belittled as "not enough." So, it got to the point to where I felt no matter what I did, it didn't matter because it would never be good enough. Hopefully when your man realizes you want to have a nice home for the entire family and not just "get rid" of his stuff you guys can work together to make that goal a reality.
Good luck to you both!
BF
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newbie
Apr 11, 2009 19:53:56 GMT -5
Post by creativechaos on Apr 11, 2009 19:53:56 GMT -5
hi golightly; yes to what lioness, breakingfree, and arid said -- and well said! thank you for wanting to understand your husband and his hoarding. you can learn a lot by reading here. one thing that is horribly counter productive is to do sneak cleanups and cleaning interventions. i am a hoarder. i do live alone, but have lost some partners partially due to my hoarding. one of the most helpful things to read about is the 5 stages of change that go with restoration (recovery) from hoarding. the very best book out on hoarding is "buried in treasures". both the hoarder and family can benefit so much from it. here's the link to the 5 stages of change: www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh45.phphere's a link to a ss page with other links to other groups for partners or families of hoarders and messies. www.squalorsurvivors.com/supporters/index.shtmlthere may be some other groups on yahoo groups; frankly, i have mixed feelings about children of hoarders, but they do have great links pages and articles. here is a link to a group for yourself (NOT your husband, because his recovery is up to HIM and in his own time) that i hear is very highly thought of by families and friends of hoarders and recovering hoarders too, and there is good dialogue between this group and the online hoarding recovery groups. the group is called friends- family of hoarders- clutterers: health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Friends-FamilyofHoarders-Clutterers/please try to show your husband respect, patience and tolerance. don't argue with him or nag him. as arid so wisely says, you will have to give a little too. marriage is a compromise of give and take. may you be willing to find middle ground. your husband's reasoning for keeping things won't make sense to you because you're not a hoarder. please realize it's *not* about the stuff itself. it's about the thinking and habitual behavior. hoarding and squalor often have their basis in some trauma or loss, but not always. many good ideas have been presented here. your husband seems the type that thinks of the usefulness of things, so he will probably be good with releasing the things to a charitable organization like goodwill, where the things have a good chance of finding a home and getting used. cc
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