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Post by becki on Apr 16, 2009 8:36:09 GMT -5
Today is the 10 yr anniversary of my sisters death. It happened suddenly and she was only 32. Past years I have experienced sadness and lonliness.
This year I feel anger. The majority of her house was emptied into my attic and front porch for my parents to "sort through later" over the last ten years. STILL ALL THERE
Her house sits empty. My parents pay the mortgage, taxes and someone to mow the yard. Once in a while I ask them when they are going to sell it. They always come up with some reason: need to clean that, need to fix this.
IT HAS BEEN 10 YEARS TODAY AND WE ARE ALL STILL UNABLE TO MOVE.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Apr 16, 2009 9:25:07 GMT -5
Maybe you have to accept the idea that you can't do much about their behavior? That leaves more time for you to think about YOUR LIFE, right?
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Post by puppybox on Apr 16, 2009 9:45:22 GMT -5
They may never be able to do it. Your anger is a setp forward for you though, isn't it?
I agree with 60. try to focus on yourself and what you can do or decide you don't have to do. I feel that after 10 years, you are allowed to reclaim your porch anytime or any way you see fit.
The attic too, but your parents deserve notice about that, in terms of "attic cleaning weekend is in 2 weeks. be there or lose the right to make decisions".
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 16, 2009 9:53:34 GMT -5
You have won the right to say it's time to sort through this stuff. I agree, set a date, if no one shows up, it all goes the way you see fit. Reclaim your porch and attic for you and your family.
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Post by autumn on Apr 16, 2009 10:03:48 GMT -5
Hi, I can relate SO well to your story. My brother died unexpectedly almost 9 years ago and he lived in the same town as I. The rest of my siblings came, packed up and put it all in my garage. top to bottom, front to back. I couldnt even walk into it. You had to open the outside door and were met with a wall. I would take everything out of the attic, call the family and say its going, where do you want it. Do you want it back at her house? I did that and they finally showed up with moving vans! Only when I threatened to toss it all! AND MEANT IT.
good luck! PS> You literally do not need that stuff weighing you down and Hanging over your head.
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Post by paperpiler on Apr 16, 2009 10:13:39 GMT -5
Everyone has a right to mourn in their own way. They don't have to fix up her house to sell because maybe in their own minds, that's all THEY see as being left of her. To sell it would mean to give up their connection to her.
BUT...then their way of mourning is pushed onto you by having her stuff in your attic and on your porch for the last ten years. It's now (and has been) interfering with YOUR life and YOUR right to move forward. It doesn't mean you love your sister any less if you want to get rid of it all. It just means that you've mourned in a different way, and want to move forward.
My opinion? If it's not to do with you, it's not your choice to make. If it is to do with you (the stuff that's in your house), it's your choice to make.
Normally, I'd say to just get rid of it, that you don't need "authorization." But I think with anything involving grief, there's a certain kindness and gentility in the way things need to be approached. I would set a deadline, I would tell them it's all being removed, I would explain that they are welcome to take what they want of hers before that deadline...because they may want some possessions as further reminder of her (remember: their way of mourning versus yours)...and then it will be gone and not staring YOU in the face anymore.
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Post by limegreen on Apr 16, 2009 12:31:10 GMT -5
The stuff on your porch you should definitely be able to dispose of as you please, I mean it's been sitting open to the elements, more or less, and it is hardly being treasured. Anyone could walk up to your porch and make off with it, and it is detrimental to the appearance of your home. If I were in your situation, I'd tell your parents that you intend to donate the good stuff and toss the rest and if they want any specific items, to name them and you will set them aside for them. Promise them that you will preserve personal items, photos and documents for them to take away to their home and do with as they see fit, and I bet you'll be clearing an unopened document box full of the very same photos and documents when you clear their house years from now. It's just stuff. It's not your sister out there, it's probably stuff she'd have move on from, updated, recycled herself by now. Keeping it stuffed in your attic or stacked on your porch is not honouring the memory of your sister. It's probably hindering you/your parents doing that by hiding the most personal keepsakes in a heap of secondhand goods. Possibly they wish that this sorting work would just "be done" and that they not have to be the ones to do it.
And I think the stuff is separate from the issue of the house, that is theirs and theirs to deal with when they wish, but the clutter on your porch is affecting you, and you have the right to call time on being the curator of these items.
I lost my dear cousin when she was 33, I have no sisters and she was like a sister to me. All I have of hers is one ring, I wear it, I think of her when I look at it. All I'd have wanted more would perhaps have been to have one really good photo of her but there wasn't one. I do not pine after her old kitchen goods, her CD collection or her clothes. They were just stuff.
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Post by annieblue on Apr 16, 2009 13:08:40 GMT -5
Hi HFH -  I agree with so many of the above members. My first reaction, if it were me in this situation, would be to tell them flat-out that on X day you will be moving ALL of your sister's belongings back to her house. But now I also like the idea of letting them know you will donate the things as you see fit, but will keep for them whatever you feel to be valuable mementos. Except this plan has YOU doing the sorting. Ugh. I also think if they are hiring someone to mow the lawn over at the house, they should maybe be able to hire someone to move this stuff OUT of your place to wherever else they would like to store it. And even enlist help from some trusted other person to go through it for/with them. TEN YEARS is long enough!!! You know this already. It has reduced the quality of your life & you do not have to live with it anymore. You say you ask them once in awhile about the status of the house. I say it is time to start telling them what you have to & will do about it in order to restore those spaces for your own needs. You might also remind them that your sister would not want you to have this stuff hanging around at your house any longer. She surely wouldn't. Best to you in this. You can do this. You really can. You deserve this. You really do. REALLY.
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