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Post by tinasabrina on Apr 22, 2009 2:17:32 GMT -5
 First I want to say a big Thank You to whomever was thoughtful enough to create and maintain this site. It is SO needed. I swear to God, I don't know how it ever gets as bad as it does.  It starts with a few newspaper and sale papers that I brought in from the mailbox. Maybe a glass and a dish here and there. Cups. Leftover food takeout boxes or bags- not in the garbage where they should be, but either on the floor or the couch. My daughter is 14 and of course, with me being a chronic clutterer her whole life, she has never known any better. If she spills soda on the carpet the best she'll do is thrown a towel on top of it because she's seen that's usually the way I handle it. About 2 months ago we left our ummmmmm . . . . .I'd say third (hopefully LAST) squalor home. And I hate to sound repetitive but I swear I don't see how it happens. It's like I kid myself or brainwash myself into believing it's not that bad. . . . . . . until somebody has to come into my apartment and I absolutely cannot find a way to keep them at bay. The apartment we just came from, the nasty guy in the office threatened to send the health department when a real jerk of a maintenance man had to come about a leak and then reported on us. Apparently my lack of housekeeping caused the ice maker to spring a leak- back behind the refrigerator where I can't even reach, mind you. Please note the sarcasm there. The guy was just mad about having to stop a leak at 3am (an unfortunate aspect of his job) so he was more than happy to go snitch me out for what they already knew was some bad housekeeping. We have 3 cats and one of them for some reason had decided to defecate in my closet on some clothes. I had known there was a bad smell coming from somewhere but it never really dawned on me until I moved out that she had started her own litter box in there. Despite the lease I moved us to a new apartment, which wasn't hard to get, surprisingly. I share that same fear that I've read many others share- that I'll lapse into squalor again and mess things up at this apartment that we like so much. The criticism is so hard to take when you are squalloring.  People don't care about your feelings one bit and justify speaking nasty to you simply because you have a filthy home. They feel like you don't deserve any consideration because, well . . . . . you have a filthy home so who cares about your feelings! There is no compassion for those with filthy homes. Only contempt. Especially when you're a mom. Somehow it is believed that any creature capable of bearing children must also be capable of maintaining a flawlessly clean home or she's unfit as a mother. I have had all the usual threats and remarks that many of you may be familiar with- "If Child Protective Services came over here they'd yank your daughter right out of your hands!"  I even had a so-called "friend" who told a relative of mine that they should send a social worker to my place. So here we are, my daughter K and me. She's 14 and we have made it thus far without any governing agencies intervening, although I'm not sure how. Despite the fact that we are working class poor I embarked upon finding us a cleaner to come biweekly. I didn't trust myself to keep the place up. Looks like I'll have to though because one girl who cleaned for me one time sort-of blew me off when I emailed her about when she was coming back. Then she left me a voicemail that she'd like to come on Friday which is a day when I will have worked overnight the night before and must do so again the same night, so I won't want the noise of the vacuum. She is trying to charge entirely too much anyway. I had this lady all lined up to come today. I was so impressed- her little self-made company was licensed bonded and insured. Then she pulls a no-show and when I called her she was still asleep. So . . . . . .I got out the mop bucket, the Spic-and-Span, the broom and all that good stuff. I cleaned. And I think I did well. I just have to keep it up! Thanks for listening and a hug to all.  I look forward to making new friends here who understand. 
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Post by sleepymom on Apr 22, 2009 7:49:21 GMT -5
Tina,
We all know where you`re coming from. I`m so glad you were able to get out of the apt. with the nasty maintenance man. Starting fresh in a new place is a great opportunity, but isn`t the magic bullet we wish it could be. Some people have had great success with having someone in to clean, if only because it forces you to have things at least at a minimal state to have some one in every week, or however often. I hope it works out for you.
Training bigger kids is hard! It helps if you can start better habits yourself, so you don`t feel hypocritical telling her to do things you haven`t been. One of the ways many of us start is working on developing a habit of erasing the evidence (ETE), basicly picking up after yourself as you go along.
We`re glad to have you along. Good luck keeping up with your new place!
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Post by tinasabrina on Apr 22, 2009 16:57:43 GMT -5
Thank you SleepyMom.  |
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Post by def6 on Apr 22, 2009 17:14:26 GMT -5
Dear Messie Newbie,
You are a very honest and sincere person. Congratulations on being so brave as to try to get a cleaning person . You are already miles ahead of me right there! I hope you don't get discouraged and give up on finding someone. Best of luck to you and your daughter in your new home!
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Apr 22, 2009 18:02:50 GMT -5
Welcome! Best of luck with your new place! You will find very helpful and supportive people here.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 22, 2009 19:31:20 GMT -5
welcome tinasabrina.
joining us here is the first step. i hope you find the helpand support that have been blessed to receive. x
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Post by messymimi on Apr 22, 2009 20:10:24 GMT -5
Welcome, TinaSabrina!
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by crazycatlady on Apr 22, 2009 21:02:23 GMT -5
Welcome, TinaSabrina. I am so happy for you, that you are in a clean new space. And I hear you about how the clutter and stuff just spreads...it is like a virus, isn't it? I just set down a few of those sale papers that come in the mail, and a piece of junk mail, and the next time I look there are piles! How does that happen?
The good news is that a 14 y/o is old enough to help. Talk to her, and come up with a plan. It is a teaching moment, for both of you. As you learn new skills, she can learn them, too. Include her in every step of the process. Just as we need to teach our teens to cook, and to do laundry, they also need to learn to be able to keep a clean space.
Maybe you will be surprised by her skills. My kids are blessed with some skills that I do not possess. I utilize their strengths to help the family. And I let them know that we could not make it without their input and help. It builds self esteem while building their skills.
I'm so glad that you found us.
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Post by Meme on Apr 22, 2009 22:59:25 GMT -5
I know you are short of money to put out on some one coming it so maybe you could ''hire'' your self--please don't laugh or think ''what the heck?? but just decide to put in the hours she came- say 4 a week?? and do in those hours the things you wanted her to do--- and then pay you and take that money and just spend it the way you want-- a new dress- or a fancy supper out or some kind of thing you want- maybe daughter would be for hire for part of this--
yes- it sounds crazy on paper but why not?? you deserve pay too and this way you win both ways- I know some folks who do this for different things such as lawn or snow and then they just make sure to pay themselves and use the money for dreams-
and welcome and Meme is going to do this on my next ticker-- I should be worth 12 dollars an hour in today's economy -
Meme had forgot about this idea - until now - I did it once upon a time but as Meme gets older she forgets more than she ever knew-
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Post by Arid on Apr 23, 2009 0:14:46 GMT -5
Good for you, tinasabrina, for doing the cleaning yourself when the other lady didn't show!
And Meme--what a FANTASTIC idea!!!! As you say, paying oneself for doing the needed work IS a win-win.
Welcome to the board, tina.
Arid
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Post by tinasabrina on Apr 23, 2009 2:02:16 GMT -5
Thank you so much for all of your welcoming replies. They are so appreciated!
Papaswife, I did pretty much what you suggested! I cleaned the apartment myself, swept, mopped, everything a hired cleaning person would have done and with the money I would have paid the no-show cleaner, my daughter and I went out to eat. We stopped at one of those 'Everything's A Dollar' stores and stocked up on some junk too. I bought some cleaning supplies there, I'm happy to say. When I really get into cleaning it can actually be fun but I hope and pray I don't lose my enthusiasm!! I am finally on a combo of mental health meds that I think may be right for me and Tuesday is now declared Cleaning Day at Tina's Place. I just don't want to backslide!
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Post by eatingbonbons on Apr 23, 2009 13:08:51 GMT -5
Welcome, TinaSabrina. You're doing great!
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Post by still on Apr 23, 2009 13:15:14 GMT -5
Welcome, tinasabrina!
I soooooo know the feeling of bafflement as to how the mess got to the level it got to. I was visiting with a friend and as we talked she straightened up the coffee table and anything else that was in reach. She just didn't LET anyting be out of place. It was like watching a creature from an alien planet. I am guessing that is what people who keep their homes looking wonderful must do, but it is so outside my ability it might as well be behavior from and alien planet.
I lived in the Netherlands for a year and I would see my Dutch neighbors pick up twigs off thier lawns as they walked from their cars into their homes to keep their lawns perfect - they ALL did it!!! That is a beautiful and friendly country, but they are so clean they make Germans look messy - and Germans are neatfreaks. We could have lived there for three years - the army's usual time overseas, but I couldn't take the pressure (as well as marital problems) and ran for it back to the states.
Anyway, The other thing I get bewidered with is - where did all this STUFF come from and how in the world did I fit it into this tiny apartment? I keep bringing home things from rummage sales, thrift shops, etc. It's not that much each time - I don't have a lot of money to spend. But I guess it adds up.
As far as people being rude about squalor, I won't let anyone in, either. I have hurt friends' feelings but that is better than seeing their looks of unbelief and disapproval. Where I can, I do my own apartment repairs. Fortunately I have not had any emergencies so that when they do inspecitions I always have a week to pack things in boxes.
I mentioned the cleaning struggle at a couple of differnt meetings I was in and both times I got two responses: 1) there were a number of women who have the same problem and seemed grateful there was someone else who understood and wouldn't condemn them and 2) those who do their housework and don't like it and can't understand why we don't, so therefore it's just lazyiness.
Reason #2 is why people get so hateful. Like people being overweight, they assume it's a choice and that if I just wanted to I could make another choice and fix it. They have absolutely NO comprehension that there are other factors including the way I was raised (in squalor and no training as well as enforced squalor when I did try to clean up), depression, health problems resulting in no energy, and ADD that causes me to honestly not even see the mess until it becomes inconvenient; then I have that "whoa! where did you come from?" experience.
Thank you for sharing everything you did. I LOVE that you tried out the paying yourself to clean thing and that it worked so well. That is royally cool!
Hang in there and keep posting. It's great having you share!
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Post by breakingfree on Apr 23, 2009 14:44:36 GMT -5
Welcome, tinasabrina! ...They have absolutely NO comprehension that there are other factors including the way I was raised (in squalor and no training as well as enforced squalor when I did try to clean up), depression, health problems resulting in no energy, and ADD that causes me to honestly not even see the mess until it becomes inconvenient; then I have that "whoa! where did you come from?" experience. Thank you for sharing everything you did. I LOVE that you tried out the paying yourself to clean thing and that it worked so well. That is royally cool! Hang in there and keep posting. It's great having you share! I grew up in squalor and recall when I moved in with my ex-husband whose mother was Marie Barone (off of Everybody Loves Raymond). Well, not literallly but she was just like her only to her credit she wasn't snippy to me. But I was ignorant about how to clean and my ex expected me to be just like his mother and I had absolutely no clue! Yes, there are those of us who never learned to clean. I am still struggling a lot. Keeping things clean and uncluttered has a lot to do with scheduling tasks and I'm not real good about noticing things need to be done as I go along, only when they are bad. So the scheduling and marking things off of lists helps me. Of course, some people hate lists so I guess it is all about finding what works for you. Good luck and Welcome! BF |
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