lilypond
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 1
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Post by lilypond on Apr 26, 2009 12:29:51 GMT -5
Hi, I have no idea what level of squalor I live on or at, but it is squalor and I am fed up. I found a link to you all by just the strangest way so I'll trust it....am not sure what to say, have not explored the site really. When you see my user name Lilypond--it is the sort of scummy, thick, yucky, lime greeen muddy, shallow murky waters and while lovely lilies may grow atop the surface, no one gets deeper....either into me or my home. I am depressed hugely and have been and know this and why I am (depressed) and cannot use this anymore as an excuse to remain in squalor unless I want to continue to be a big victim of it.
Then this brings up the issue that I isolate: because of the depression to a degree and due to the immense squalor I live in. They must be connected, yet even when my home has been clean I have remained depressed. But the lily on the surface on the pond is the mask I wear to hide my home and me and my depression.
This muck under the lilies, seems to be the source of my life, as if I drained the pond, there would be no me. As if I weren't depressed and I lived a clean and normal life I'd be okay. But the truth is I am terrified of being 'normal'. Who am I w/out my depression and isolation and hiding in my comfortable messes and sloth?
Am I punishing myself? Is this a prison I've grown so used to that I love it now?
My mother kept her home like a museum. Immaculate. As if we all were constantly unwelcome. If I was drinking an iced tea and watching TV, after 5 mins passed, she would be hysterical if the glass wasn't back in the kitchen sink, cleaned, dried. I never felt at home, nor my brothers; we were always intruders into her perfect world invading it with our very presences and stuff. Even meals would be rushed so that I would be made to clean everything up and not everyone was finished eating. So I don't know if I am over-reactiong to her and her neurosises. And what I have described is the tip of the iceberg that I'll spare you from.'
Sorry for the rant, somehow it arose and poured forth, I wish I could throw up on my mother's precious orientals'.....................while she was on a very long extended trip, otherwise Stanley Steamer would be there w/in the hour.
Oh well, I hope to learn from you all. I am an empty vessel in dire need of new ways of seeing, hearing, and learning. I have just about hit bottom, and my bottoms seem to be lowering themselves to degrees I'd never fathomed. Once upon a time I studied of all things: Microbiology. I KNOW what crud lives upon what crud where and how and it is real and spooky.
But still I live. Good to be here. Hope to learn much and thanks if you've read this far.
Lilypond
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Post by crazycatlady on Apr 26, 2009 12:50:02 GMT -5
But still I live. Good to be here.
Welcome, Lilypond. I am so glad that you found us! Thanks for explaining your name to us. I have seen those mucky lilyponds, and they are pretty icky. Maybe you can learn to be a clear pool, with just a little greenery on the edges where the beautiful lilies can bloom.
There is a happy middle, between the ice cold, spotless, unwelcoming home that your mother kept, and the deep squalor that many of us have dealt with. A warm space to live, with enough room to move around easily, where things are sanitary but not constantly sanitized. |
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Post by Arid on Apr 26, 2009 12:52:39 GMT -5
Lilypond: Welcome to the board!
Your post brings up lots of thoughts for me. First of all, we have a thread going on one of our other forums about our mothers, our relationships with them, and how they have affected us. You might want to read there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
There are those of us who are where we are because we suffer from "all or nothing" thinking. I am one of those. I've always been afraid that if I let myself, I could/would become someone like your mother. That is, I've always been afraid that if I ever do begin keeping my house clean, I'd go "over the top" to being a real neat freak/controller, making everyone miserable in the process. I don't want to do that. In fact, I so much don't want to do that that I have chosen to live in a messy house instead.
Now, common sense tells us that it doesn't have to be "either/or." One can have a clean, tidy, functional home where everyone is comfortable and happy. THAT is what I am striving for these days! It is a long, slow process for me, but I do believe that I am getting there.
In order to "get there," I am having to learn to let go of the "all or nothing" thinking, the perfectionism, the indecisiveness, the procrastination, the hoarding tendencies. . . the "everything" that has led me to live in second degree squalor for years and years. I AM getting there, but just as it has taken me years to create my mess, it is going to take me years before I am at zero degrees squalor. Right now, I am looking towards reaching one degree squalor.
I am very happy that you have joined our board. You will find much help and encouragement here!
Arid
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Post by Script on Apr 26, 2009 13:59:33 GMT -5
Dear Lily:  --- picture from my camping trip last August Welcome to our little world! luv from Script |
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Post by iprocrastinate on Apr 26, 2009 15:04:55 GMT -5
:-*Hi Lilypond,
Welcome,
Hope you'll find the site helpful. I have!
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Post by Vassili on Apr 26, 2009 16:53:29 GMT -5
Welcome lilypond, your name reminded me of Long Lake by Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories where I used to go fishing.  I know how you feel, and there are many on this forum that would feel the same as you. I am glad you found us. |
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Post by notsomessyshell on Apr 26, 2009 17:45:53 GMT -5
Welcome Lilypond!   I wrote almost the same thing in my morning pages! Who am I without the clutter. Do I use it as a barrier to the outside world? Have you tried treatment for the depression? Either natural or prescribed? It seems to be a common thread here with us. I am on medication for it. You are not "an empty vessel". You are a vibrant, wonderful person. I am sure that you are full of wonderful wisdom and ideas that we will appreciate! You happen to live in squalor. Well so do I. We will be on this journey together. I am glad to have you on the trip. Looking forward to winning the battle! Chat is a great motivator for me. So is Working in threes. Neither one I have been using lately.  They are wonderful, though. I am just at a standstill.... Again welcome to our little corner of the world! |
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Post by Mystic Pegasus on Apr 26, 2009 18:02:59 GMT -5
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messytessy
New Member
Joined: April 2009
Posts: 24 
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Post by messytessy on Apr 26, 2009 21:13:04 GMT -5
Welcome Lilypad!
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Post by def6 on Apr 27, 2009 8:49:00 GMT -5
Thanks for your very honest and articulate intro. Looks like Mom my have had some issues of her own , as children sometimes our lives are an answer to the question that is our parents.( Boy that's deep.) At any rate , perhaps you should take a small valuable and put it in the mudd (or even in the middle of the street for that matter) but first put a little post- it that says, I am more important than this object. or People are more important than things. And then after that, forgive your Mom for letting problems get the best of her and promise yourself that you will be bigger than your problems in your lifetime.
Then you can just grab a large trash bag and fill it up with debris put it where it needs to go and then just post what you have done. And then we will cheer you on! That's what we are about.
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Post by messymimi on Apr 27, 2009 11:53:12 GMT -5
Welcome, LilyPond !
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 27, 2009 16:33:10 GMT -5
lilypond; your intro really spoke to me. the metaphor of the lilypond and the beautiful mask hiding the crud inside (underneath) is quite a fitting one.
and, it seems pretty natural, considering your past traumas and growing up in a home where you can't really BE.
i would like to add an idea about the beautiful lily growing on the muck. i'd like to hypothesize that the lily is your true essence, and that all the muck and crud (what you have been through) just needs to make compost, which this group will support you in doing the work so that you can begin to bloom into the lily you are.
i especially understand those fear thoughts that say "who will i be without this stuff, this identity i've built; this depression that is all that i know?" oh yes, i relate to that. with this group, i hope we will be able to find out. what a journey of self discovery!
so happy that you found this group; you don't have to be alone any more, lily
hugs, cc
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