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Post by tinasabrina on Jun 28, 2009 10:40:36 GMT -5
Hi guys, I'm sorry I don't have time to hang around and post much but I wanted to share this with you all as I know many of you will have empathy. I cut & pasted this out of an email I sent to a friend so that I wouldn't have to retype it all. I hope I have done a successful job of editing out any info directed to my friend. Thanks for listening and hugs to all. We still have a lot of work to do here so I better run. Officially got myself another kid. Let me introduce you to Andrew. He's been my daughter K's friend pretty much since we moved here. He's older than her but of course you know boys do not mature as fast as girls . . . . . and he's often said that K is so good to talk to and so smart with advice for her age that he'd rather talk to her when he has a problem rather than anyone his own age. He just turned 18 the other day. To try giving you a brief synopsis of this boy, his mother "Dee" is addicted to gambling and heaven knows what else. One of those moms who treats her kids like a huge inconvenience. Andrew is so smart that one time I had this laptop that had been ruined by liquid spilled all over the keyboard. Asked a tech about it and he said 'forget it; can't be fixed or if it could, it would be cheaper to replace it.' Andrew showed me 3 parts I should buy off Ebay, which came to about $30. He fixed the laptop. And he was just a teenager at the time, can't really remember what age he was but he was young. He was behind several years academically thanks to homelife problems but clearly not due to a lack of brains. He wanted me and K to be family so badly he tried fixing me up with his dad. (Divorced from Dee many years ago thanks to her cheating and whatnot). Nice guy I suppose but just not really interesting. I was flattered of course that Andrew wanted me for a stepmom but there just really wasn't anything there between me and the dad. We had breakfast once and I could tell the dad was pleased that I had taken an interest in his son- I bragged about how smart he was probably the whole time we ate. One time Andrew brought his grades up and got accepted into a high school that I guess officially qualifies as a magnet school. Grades have to be a certain level before you can even apply there. He got in and was so excited. I was really proud of him. He swore he wouldn't fall behind or drop out. Dee couldn't take him across town to register because she was in the casino. I had a car back then so of course I drove him but there was paperwork she needed to be present to sign. He called her on the cell phone and tried to relay this to her and she clearly got annoyed. He was in this school for a bit but Dee got evicted, I presume for non-payment of rent. Dee apparently had not only swindled the nice land lady of their house into letting them fall months behind on rent but had talked this woman into letting her get a cell phone account in her name! Makes we wonder how the land lady could be so stupid as to let anyone do that, much less a tenant of hers. . . . . . but then again I have made plenty of mistakes in the past out of the kindness of my heart that looked pretty crazy in hindsight. Andrew quit high school and went to work out of necessity. Dee is a real piece of work. One time Andrew got so excited because she agreed to go see a movie with me, him and K. We met there and she said she was going to go park her car somewhere else and said why don't I go ahead and get out tickets since there was a line. I did and of course she came back, sat right down in that movie and never said a word about paying me for her and her son's tickets. I fell right into that one.  So fast forward and Andrew turns 18. Despite his contributions to the family finances from his meager sub shop job, (and mind you, he JUST TURNED 18, geez!) she told him to get out, stating that his contributions were not enough. So after thinking it over I told him to just come stay here. I rented a Uhaul yesterday and we got his pitiful belongings in trash bags. As soon as I saw that place I knew I had made the right decision. We went while she was at work in order to avoid a confrontation, which I know she got mad about, saying she 'didn't appreciate people being in her home while she wasn't there.' I totally understand that but in her case I could easily see why. I don't want to sit here and be all self-righteous and say something cliche like "I've never seen such filth" because my own home has looked about as bad before in the past when I was really depressed. But my God.  It looked like one of those places we've talked about on the news where some old person has been found dead and everybody's tut-tutting about how could she have lived this way and how come nobody helped her, etc. It wasn't just that there was stuff stacked practically to the ceiling but her furniture looked like it had dirt ground into it. You could easily have written your full name in the thick dust on any surface. The carpet had dirt ground into it as well and has obviously been that way for some time. Now please know as I say this, I am not implying that this is all Dee's fault. Clearly Andrew is a young adult living there and is equally responsible. People have a tendency to blame the matriarch of the family when a place is unkempt but I know of course that it is everyone's responsibility. And I do know of course, that it may be a struggle to get him to adapt to NOT living that way at my place. I have to stay on him and K both for not picking up after themselves. It's a teenager thing for the most part but I see I'm going to have to be really cautious knowing that all 3 of us historically have a problem with housekeeping. His "room" if you want to call it that, was a crawlspace with a stained mattress and a t.v. He couldn't even stand upright in there and even I had to stoop over. Much of his pitiful belongings made me cringe and wish that he'd leave them behind, like some stained yucky pillows. In the living room we counted about 10 narcotic bottles. Apparently she goes from doctor to doctor and gets prescriptions, then sells the pills. She also works under a janitorial business that's in her other son's name AND draws SSI disability. It makes me wish she would get caught.  Jeez, you'd think that with all that income she'd be able to afford a maid, huh?! So . . . . .we'll just see how things go. I am not putting Andrew on my lease just in case it doesn't work out for some reason. I feel good having him here though. He's a big kid and with Kailey staying by herself while I work, it's nice to know he's here. People of course will give me the obvious criticism- 'You're going to leave an 18-year-old boy alone with your 14-year-old daughter?!' I understand where these people are coming from but for one thing my K told me she is a lesbian over 2 years ago and she has never waivered from that and secondly these 2 kids have been alone together so much, they've had plenty of opportunities to 'hook up' if they were so inclined. They look at each other as brother and sister. She posted on her MySpace that she was happy her "brother" moved in.  So that's the latest from Vegas. |
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Post by Little_Ninja on Jun 28, 2009 12:24:08 GMT -5
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Post by Arid on Jun 28, 2009 14:59:04 GMT -5
Yes; I think that you are taking a BIG chance leaving a 14-year old girl with an 18-year old boy! Just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean that a) he's gay or b) she can't get pregnant!!! So, let's get real about that, at least.
As far as the mother is concerned, --obviously, the woman has SERIOUS problems, and she isn't getting the help that she needs. Of course, it sounds like, at this point, anyway, she isn't in a frame of mind to want help.
I laud your good intentions, and I do hope that things work out well for all involved. Nonetheless, please, USE SOME COMMON SENSE where your daughter is involved!!
Arid
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Post by gifted on Jun 28, 2009 15:38:49 GMT -5
Dee has some severe problems. I hope that she someday gets help.
I was told by a young adult that she had herself declared an independent student at 18 somehow. She needed to write a statement about all of reasons that she should not be considered dependent on her mother. Things such as her mother sending her to school in dirty clothes, and refusing to do her laundry in order to shame her about bed wetting. And worse. I cringed when I heard of these things. (I felt so guilty to not have done something to get her and her sister away from their mother. I had my hands full with my son, not that that is an excuse.) This young woman is in college now, and living in a different town. She is speaking to her mother now, occasionally, but on her own terms. She says that she will not allow her mother back into her life until her mother takes the steps needed with her mental health issues.
I am telling you this in hopes that Andrew might do something similar, if he should need to. I left home at 17, and I had no hope of receiving financial aid for college, because I was not on speaking terms with my father after my mother's death. I turned 18 before my guardianship was determined, so I was dropped from the court proceedings.
I agree with you about having the kids living under one roof. If they were going to have relations, they would do it one way or another. Trying to play morality cop is ridiculous. I think the best thing you can do is to educate your children, and give them the emotional support they need to develop their own sense of morality and ethics. But I have always had a strong sense of my inner values. Maybe some people feel they need rules imposed on themselves.
I hope that you might feel some compassion for Dee, do not allow yourself to be polarized by your anger. Of course, it is easy for me to say this, but I remember reading once that anger is like picking up a hot coal to throw at someone. You may hit them with the hot coal as you intend. However, you will certainly burn your hand in the process.
Good luck to you and your family,
SG
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Post by moggyfan on Jun 28, 2009 15:43:11 GMT -5
I admire your desire to help this boy and rescue him from a difficult (to say the least) home life. But I wonder: Where is his dad? Why can Andrew not live with him?
I share Arid's concern about your daughter's well-being. She is very young, and 18-year-old boys can be selfish and impulsive. I would worry about leaving them alone together on a regular basis.
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Post by Arid on Jun 29, 2009 3:06:00 GMT -5
I'm concerned because there are a lot of cases of abuse going on in teenage relationships these days. (You can check with Oprah if you don't believe me!) I know nothing about this young man's or your daughter's builds, but if she is a tiny little thing and he is a great big, burly guy, she wouldn't stand much of a chance of resisting any form of intimidation from him--physical or emotional. Even if he is a puny little mouse of a guy, he still might be able to intimidate her. For one thing, he could threaten to hurt you if she were to speak up about anything untoward that he might do. That would be enough to keep her from revealing how he is treating her when you are not home. Just the facts that a) he is a male and b) he is older than she is give him the upper hand in this situation.
Yes; I am a jaded, cynical old lady.
I do hope that he is as sweet and wonderful and as worthy of your trust as you think he is. Such young men do exist, and I hope , for all concerned, that you've found one of them.
Arid
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Post by puppybox on Jun 29, 2009 9:37:52 GMT -5
I agree with suzannetaylor.
I would worry more about him introducing her to drinking/drugs/gambling.
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Post by gifted on Jun 29, 2009 14:32:04 GMT -5
I went based on your description of the boy. He sounded like a sweet gentle kid. And I think it makes no difference if they are related by blood or not. You would have the same situation if you had an 18 year-old son. I am certain that he has been affected by his mother's problems, and is likely to need some counseling, or other help.
I can see Arid's point of view. I have been physically intimidated by men. And I still find myself giving into them when I KNOW I am right, sometimes just to end the disagreement.
You need to talk this over with your daughter, and make sure that she KNOWS, REALLY KNOWS that her safety and well being are primary in this situation. And also, watch closely for any changes in her personality, even if she says she is okay. I know that many girls today are more assertive, and that talking about sex and rape are more acceptable now. But there is still a lot of abuse going on.
I know that in my own growing up, I felt that I was on my own, and did not want to 'burden' my mother with my problems. She was pushing me to date a boy from our church who already had gotten 'grabby' with me at a dance. He was drunk, and wouldn't go away. I finally went over to talk to the other boys I knew at the dance. BUt my mother seemed to always be wanting to marry the girls off. And she never talked about intimate matters.
Good luck in whatever your decision is.
SG
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Post by tinasabrina on Jul 1, 2009 1:56:07 GMT -5
Guys, I want to say thank you so much for all of your responses on this issue even if you don't agree with my decision. Arid, I totally understand where you're coming from and very much expected to get a response like yours! Let me try to reassure you though, that I have known the boy for 3+ years and never has there been any hint that he would attempt to be sexually inappropriate with a girl younger than him. His and my daughter's relationship is exactly that of a brother and sister who had been raised together. They even fuss some like regular siblings.  Thanks again to all.  |
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Post by tinasabrina on Jul 1, 2009 1:58:21 GMT -5
Also I should add- I am glad K has an older brother with her when I am at work or gone elsewhere. She used to be alone and I feel so much better with her having someone there.
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Post by yearning4order on Jul 1, 2009 2:17:21 GMT -5
To everyone quoting that OPs daughter is gay so nothing will happen with a boy--I've known way too many self-identified lesbians who have sex with men on the side. (Have also known plenty of self-identified straight women who have at some point had sexual relations with women, but that's another story.)
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Post by tinasabrina on Jul 1, 2009 2:35:43 GMT -5
I'm not saying she couldn't conceivably start liking boys again . . . . . .I'm just saying she doesn't think of Andrew that way! I'm certain they will not have sex okay guys?!
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Post by gifted on Jul 1, 2009 5:36:10 GMT -5
I am glad that you will be able to provide the boy with some stability. And also, it might be safer, as you say, to have someone around with your daughter.
I hope that this new arrangement works out best for all of you.
SG
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keriamon
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 61
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Post by keriamon on Jul 1, 2009 13:38:39 GMT -5
Something you need to help Andrew do is pull his credit report. With a mom like that, it may be that she's stolen his identity (or will). If that has happened, now would be the time for him to apply to change his SS#, before he needs a number and a history to get credit. It's worse if he has to change it later and lose whatever legitimate history he's built up. Obviously, if his SS number is changed, he should NOT tell his mother his new number. And if he has a bank account, he needs to be sure his mother doesn't know the bank account number; if he suspects or knows she has it, you need to help him get a new one set up and make sure that no one (including anyone claiming to be his mother) is allowed access to it but him. And see about getting him a GED. College might be tough because his mother's income will count against him until he's 23-26 years old (depending on the college); he'd have to have copies of her tax returns in order to apply for any sort of aid, and you know she won't cough those up. However, if he were to join the military/National Guard on a delayed enrollment, he might not only get money to go to college, but all colleges will treat him as an adult, independent of his mother (which means only his own income will count and he'll stand to receive more grants and low-interest loans). It sounds like he would do really well in a computer major or maybe even engineering. The military has a lot of training programs in both that could boost his skill set (they're also generally linked with non-combat work). I sure hope that he can pull his life together, despite its inauspicious start, and that you and your family are the best thing that could have happened to him.  |
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Post by gifted on Jul 1, 2009 14:29:54 GMT -5
Please keep us posted on how things work out. I know that my mental and social skills would be much worse, if I hadn't had the example of one of my girlfriend's mothers. I really believe she saved my life in some ways, though I could not give a specific incidence how. But at least, I did learn that healthy relationships exist, and that all parents do not feel the need to squash their children's individuality. In fact, this friend's home is where I learned that hugging and kissing people does not have to be sex.
SG
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