tiredofit
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 47
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Post by tiredofit on Jul 6, 2009 21:10:23 GMT -5
Since the very first time I witnessed my husband (at that time my fiancee) moving, more than a decade ago, I noticed an awful amount of useless junk. At that time I was thinking I would have helped him move and pack; I became immediately upset with the amount of stuff he had and was not getting rid of. I know his father was a pack rat (I have not seen it, but it's clear from my husband's description). Also, today, I just learned about digital hoarding. Again, my husband has that problem! He doesn't deny it, but he won't admit having a problem either and talking about it. Now I'm trying to analyze MY story. I can see a certain degree of hoarding on my father's side of the family. I have never noticed anything very extreme, but I do remember a couple of occasions when my grandmother became upset with me for the messiness of my bedroom, and when I say messiness, I remember bunches of clothes laid on the bed and spread on the floor. I remember becoming upset, because she messed my piles up; the dirty pile, the used but still clean pile, and the just laundered pile. I'm convinced that my house hoarding problem originates from my husband, and that I became depressed with the inability to cope with the amount of junk that I found myself in front of as soon as I got married. I could be wrong about me. I don't know how to figure that out. If I cannot figure that out, how can I try to solve the problem by attacking its roots? Or does it even matter at this point? Can my hoarding be acquired? Can I survive my husband's hoarding? Should I stop asking myself all these questions? I think I'm starting to become obsessed with all this.  |
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Jul 6, 2009 21:56:41 GMT -5
I am no longer convinced that searching out ultimate roots is anything but a big shrink bill waiting to take over your life. I do not know why I developed this problem but I do know I am recovering from it by working on it in this group.
That's really all I need to know for now.
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Post by moggyfan on Jul 6, 2009 22:30:21 GMT -5
If it's important to you to know why, you can work on that while you are working on getting a handle on the mess/clutter.
Personally, I have no idea why I was squalorous, or why I was finally able to clean up the mess. It didn't matter to me.
And knowing why won't get the house cleaned.
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Post by Meme on Jul 6, 2009 22:41:27 GMT -5
yes- you can survive but you may have to set up some rules-
hubby cannot accept his problem yet but that does not mean you have too allow him
to override -
I do understand discourgement but try to hang in with your self-
I think we all can hoard at times only because of life but we have to understand when it becomes a problem-
I am not sure what your house is set up as- or apartment so that make it harder to give you some rule idea-
this is a sample"
no hoarding of any kind of stuff in certain rooms ( you get to pick) -- remember this is just one an .
hang out here and although we cannot help the hoarding problem belonging to hubby- we can encourage you-
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 7, 2009 0:30:56 GMT -5
tired, i agree with 60is and others who say the 'why' of it doesn't matter. you may never know why. it might be best to set an example with hubby rather than nag or try to control what he can and cannot do, which will only make him resist or feel bad.
like what we do for each other here, if he sees YOU cleaning, clearing, maintaining, and setting an example rather than being judgmental, he may see his own stuff and life with clearer eyes and want to participate along with you in getting rid of stuff. unless he truly wants to change for himself, the changes won't last, and even if he does want to change, hoarding is a difficult condition to recover from if one is a true hoarder; and the road can be long and arduous. thinking has to be changed slowly through some kind of cognitive work while a person dehoards and organizes. better to take care of yourself and forget about the why of things for now. that will empower you rather than frustrate you.
is hubby's hoarding making him uncomfortable and does he want to change? if so, then direct him to 'buried in treasures' or another good book on hoarding and maybe read it along with him to bring you both closer together on how to manage the hoarding.
depression certainly can make a person act out on acquiring things they don't want (shopping therapy) and it can make them stop maintaining, thus making piles and eventually, squalor.
i feel for you being married to a hoarder. i spared any man of that and decided not to marry and keep my problem out of other peoples' lives.
just to make it clear for anyone who thinks people 'decide' to be hoarders: hoarding is NOT an addiction or something people choose. it is a physiological condition of the brain and an offshoot of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. it is not the hoarders 'fault' that he is hardwired to be this way, even though his condition can make the lives of his loved ones miserable and frustrating. situations can hasten hoarding behavior, but usually there are signs early on, such as the piles of clothes you describe in your childhood room, tiredofit. this is a classic example of the way ocd people and hoarders think; they tend to make lots of categories and overcategorize things in an obsessive way, and they can get very upset if people handle their things. hoarding worsens in middle age and if left untreated, is progressive. you can read more about hoarding on the OCF (obsessive compulsive foundation) website.
good luck with how you choose to handle things.
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Post by mouse on Jul 7, 2009 8:42:51 GMT -5
 I'm going to add my voice to the others' here and say "it doesn't matter." I tried for years to find the "root" of my problems, and I ended up driving myself even crazier. I started getting better only when I started letting go of my obsessive need to understand why everything was happening. Sometimes there is no good reason. Sometimes the reason is so complex and reaches so far back that it's pretty much impossible to untangle all the interconnected strings. Focus on the now. Focus on what you want, what you can do, and what makes you happy. Do that. Don't try to change other people. Change what you can about yourself and your environment, and trust that all the important stuff will fall into place eventually. Best of luck! ~Mouse 
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Post by Script on Jul 7, 2009 9:03:28 GMT -5
my brother is a think-a-holic
this over-thinking HABIT really gets in the way of action
no one says you have to be an unthinking robot
but there is truly a happy medium
after years of therapy, i too don't want to spend any more time trying to UNDERSTAND:
i just want to do/be/relax/enjoy/savour
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Post by messymimi on Jul 7, 2009 9:44:06 GMT -5
A method that might work for you is the Special Spot method, explained here:
takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/....ead=4206&page=1
I gave up on the why, and just try to deal with the now. It does help.
Also, your description of clothes piles reminded me of a college friend whose piles were "clean" "dirty" and "I don't remember!"
messymimi
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Post by serenitynow on Jul 7, 2009 10:17:28 GMT -5
tiredofit ,
"Hi, I'm serenitynow, and I'm a think-a-holic"
For me, understanding why has helped me to become more compassionate with myself. I agree with the others who said that ultimately, however, it didn't change my tackling it! Thinking became (an obsessive) diversion.
Physical action (as opposed to mental overload) is the way out, I'm convinced.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Jul 7, 2009 14:07:08 GMT -5
I have finally found a name......Think-a-holic. Wow I can overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thanks for that, Script!
I don't think figuring out "why" will help you as much as the action you will take to get out of the mess. Glad you are here with us.
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tiredofit
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 47
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Post by tiredofit on Jul 7, 2009 21:09:07 GMT -5
Physical action (as opposed to mental overload) is the way out, I'm convinced. I truly enjoyed ALL your responses! So, while working on increasing physical action, I'll also work on letting-go (of the trying to understand)  |
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escape
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Joined: August 2008
Posts: 89 
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Post by escape on Jul 8, 2009 2:10:48 GMT -5
Why is just an arrow in the quiver, not the "one final answer" that fixes our problems.
It's helpful to know your triggers because it gives you more control over your behavior. For instance, I know that if I eat too much sugar, let myself get dehydrated or stop taking my vitamins that my OCD/muddled thinking will flair and I'm headed for problems. Inosital has been a godsend for smoothing the jagged edges of OCD, and chromium, potassium & B vitamins help me clear the fog.
I've also figured out that hoarding, for me, is a way to keep control of some part of my life, the way anorexia & bulimia are thought to stem from trying to gain control. I also use clutter as a means to keep people from getting too close. Knowing these things doesn't "solve" the problem, but it can help me get in a better frame of mind about it. It also helps me be gentler with myself because I can see that many things are logical reactions, not character flaws.
I can also see how over thinking the underlying issues could be paralyzing, so maybe searching for answers depends on where you are on the path, and how you intend to use the information.
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Post by paperpiler on Jul 8, 2009 6:10:37 GMT -5
Oh my, I love this thread.
I am an overthinker. That was confirmed to me the other day by a total stranger who told me to stop microanalyzing something. I, of course, immediately went to the library and picked up a copy of "Women Who Think Too Much." HAHA. Old habits die hard. But that's ok. It's giving me insight into what makes me tick, and that's never a bad thing...AS LONG AS I keep DOING as well as THINKING.
In my case, I think it went back to my childhood, and a father who would wake me up at 8 on Sat. morning to empty my wastebasket in my bedroom. The wastebasket had one piece of paper in it. In truth, what he wanted was for us to get up because he thought we were "sleeping the time away" at 8 am. And that set about a course of clutter rebellion and using paper as a shield, as a protector--for several decades. I'm working really hard on changing that.
I do think it's important to have some insight. But I don't think it's the be all to end all that's going to suddenly change anything. That comes from taking one thing at a time and making a decision about it.
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Post by Celeste on Jul 8, 2009 21:54:44 GMT -5
It's possible that the "cause" may have started out one reason, but it has since affected your self-esteem and health in such a way that the squalor affects you in other ways as well.
Who knows? At this point, I agree with everyone else. Quit trying to analyze and simply try to find ways to help yourself do the job.
It may be that the reasons and causes may become clear as you work through it, rather than the other way around.
The most important part is simply to do it.
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Post by Meme on Jul 8, 2009 23:51:54 GMT -5
yes- and we can be understanding with out tying to understand--understanding is just allowing and accepting who some one is--- it does not mean that the problem is acceptable behavior but at this moment in time- this is where they are at and we cannot change them by nagging and also enabling them. I do hope that he can see how the over abundance of stuff is effecting the family because it has moved beyond him- and already effects your feelings-- and that is not wrong of you. and it is ok for family house rules for everyone as to where their personal things are kept and how they are kept. My miss Ashley is a messy child/woman and so I did make some rules-- the no eating in her room to avoid flys and fruit flys and mice-plus the damage to clothes and rugs when things get spilled. any dirty laundry is in the house hamper or it has no chance of being done-( she does her own but I will toss some clothes into the washer to make a full load) as Meme is not clearing floors for her. - all makeup, shampoo and such must have the lids on and be closed= and may stay in the bathroom. and her clutter is her clutter and does not invade my space unless I want to share a shelf and then it has to be neat and clean etc. and I have a few more general house rules> I only say this to show others that house rules can be fair for all and still allow some to be who they are-- now---.. I have hope that she will grow out of this once her first love wears off--  |
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