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Life
Jul 7, 2009 23:19:56 GMT -5
Post by fireweed on Jul 7, 2009 23:19:56 GMT -5
Hi I'm fireweed, formerly "lunchlady" of SS.
I kind of think my problem is that I never really learned how to live. How to get up in the morning, get dressed, do routines of whatever nature.
I know when it started, I was in elementary school and I had to wear second hand clothes. This was long before there was the type of selection there is today in thrift stores. The clothes were so ugly I don't even know who would have worn them in the first place. So I didn't want to get up and get dressed and go to school where I was very self conscious of my appearance and the other kids made fun of me. So I was usually late to school.
I got better clothes when I got older and had a little spending money of my own but I never really did like to get up in the morning. In college I slept through 8:00 classes as often as I went to them. I was usually late to work through the years.
I would do great at work but then come home and turn into a pumpkin. I didn't know what to do. Not that there weren't things to do. If I was going out with somebody I let them run my life. I don't know how many weekends I spent cleaning boyfriends' apartments while my own place was trashed.
Then I met my husband and we got married. I never really got it together. Sometimes we would have people over and the night before we would both just go crazy cleaning the place up.
Then I became a stay at home mom. It was hard to take care of a baby and get things done. If I would have had routines before the baby I could have taken care of him and did my routines while he napped. But I never figured anything out. Then baby#2 and baby#3 in rapid succession.
Then they started school and there were all these papers everywhere. I never dealt with the papers very well. Papers are still a huge issue for me.
I am working now and the kids are all in their older school years. The place is a mess. It's really too small for us. And I never had it together when it was adequate.
So I think part of my problem is that I just react to life. Get up because I HAVE to. Go to work because I HAVE to. Try to scrape together something for dinner because I HAVE to. Not that we don't all have these and many more things that we have to do, but there should be joy in life. There should be more of a plan that comes from me. I am making this delicious healthy dinner because I love my family and I will enjoy it myself! I am getting up this morning because I am excited about experiencing this new day that the Lord has made! Instead I think I am only experiencing a small fraction of the joy of life and only using a little bit of the gifts I've been given.
Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any ideas where to start? Did the "shiny sink" work for any of you? I'm stumped.
Thanks! It's good to be back.
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Life
Jul 7, 2009 23:40:13 GMT -5
Post by Meme on Jul 7, 2009 23:40:13 GMT -5
I can relate to some of what you are saying and welcome back - the shiny sink works for me because it stands for clean and healthy. I think that if you work at finding your own routine that it will help you get on track. It will take tiime and especially with kids who can change your routine fast.... and yes- there is joy in keeping house- or at least there is joy once you find your self enjoying your syle of life.
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Life
Jul 7, 2009 23:53:07 GMT -5
Post by fireweed on Jul 7, 2009 23:53:07 GMT -5
Thanks Meme! I remember you. Maybe I should try the shiny sink - it can't hurt to have one clean thing in the house!
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 0:37:53 GMT -5
Post by Blackswan on Jul 8, 2009 0:37:53 GMT -5
I am also constantly just "reacting" due to not having routines or planning ability. In my case, it is due to my learning disorder and my ADD. My brain is impaired in the area of "executive functioning". I posted something about it on Byways, not sure if you read it, or if you are interested.
I used to think I was ***, crazy, and stupid, and that my problems were the result of a character flaw. It was a relief to figure out that it wasn't my fault. Now I am finding ways to manage, knowing that I have a deficit in that area.
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 6:27:07 GMT -5
Post by paperpiler on Jul 8, 2009 6:27:07 GMT -5
Fireweed, what do you think would give you joy in keeping your own house?
For me, the shiny sink is nice...really nice...but not important to me. My "special place" is the DR table. If I see a cleaned-off DR table, that brings me joy. I feel like I can sit...and relax for a few...and not worry about sitting down and watching a pile of stuff fall off onto the floor, or not have to carve out a space big enough for just my plate and utensils, or not worry about something falling over on my beverage and spilling it. It just brings me joy to sit and eat, regardless of whether I'm eating a decent meal, or a TV dinner.
I keep it cleaned off because I WANT to, not HAVE to. And I definitely relate to what you're saying. I was never taught routines either. But to get a routine, you have to start somewhere. Might as well be something that makes you happy. And if you can't figure out what makes you happy in your house, then sit down, have a cup of your favorite beverage, and think about that . :-)
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 7:14:34 GMT -5
Post by fireweed on Jul 8, 2009 7:14:34 GMT -5
Thanks, blackswan, I read your piece in Byways and it was very good.
Good point, paperpiler. For me it's my kitchen table. Clearing it off requires washing the dirty dishes that are piled on it (no dishwasher and I let the dishes stack up) and putting away food and finding a place for the misc. items that are there. I too would like to sit at a table.
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 8:23:51 GMT -5
Post by bluefrog on Jul 8, 2009 8:23:51 GMT -5
Fireweed, the shiny sink thing worked for me. Not that it has to be a sink, just a place to reclaim and keep cleaned up--a launching pad, learning experience, and inspirational spot. The control journal idea works, too. If you need routines and structure and never learned how to set them up, having them in writing really helps.
Maybe it would help to ponder--and write down--some things that would bring you joy in life, and what you would need to do to get there? Begin with the baby steps.
It's good to see you again.
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 8:35:23 GMT -5
Post by southerngirl on Jul 8, 2009 8:35:23 GMT -5
Hi and welcome. I tried the shiny sink and it didn't do a lot for me because my kitchen has never been my problem ... my problem is clutter. I like the comments here about finding your own shiny sink, and I am going to think about that.
A few years ago I did a creativity program called The Artist's Way. One of the ideas from the book is a weekly artist's date. It is a fun, just for YOU activity. It can be as little as going to the library or as big as a day trip. It can be doing anything that brings you joy. Just wanted to suggest that a weekly artist's date -- a special fun time just for YOU might be a nice thing.
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messymomma
New Member
Joined: November 2008
Posts: 79
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 11:07:49 GMT -5
Post by messymomma on Jul 8, 2009 11:07:49 GMT -5
I can relate to where you're coming from. Im a stay at home wife/mom and I run a small home daycare...I definately have days where I live in my PJs because I figure what's the point, no one is going to see me, all I do all day is hang out with kids who at some point pee, puke, or poop on me ...my husband is starting to get it now and he's making it a point to take me out at least once a week (other than grocery shopping and church) and it's really helped me be able to get through the day of constant taking care of kids, laundry, the house, etc because i have that outing to look forward to
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 11:49:06 GMT -5
Post by puppybox on Jul 8, 2009 11:49:06 GMT -5
I am very similar. I think its what people said, we are reacting not acting. no time now but wanted to note that I totally am similar. also quite probably ADD, which I belive is not necessarily a disorder just a particular type of "mind" that is not very well suited to a certain lifestyle
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 13:50:20 GMT -5
Post by AnnieOkie on Jul 8, 2009 13:50:20 GMT -5
A "shiny sink" works for me. I have just heard it mentioned here, I didn't follow any certain plan. But just this morning, I had such a feeling of relief when I saw my empty, clean sink when I got up. Maybe it would be a place to start for you.....it may motivate you to have a "shiny kitchen cabinet", that might lead to a "shiny kitchen table" and it may just grow from there. Claim any little corner you can and make it shine! (That reminds me I need to really work on my kitchen table.....clutter is breeding there! )
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 15:14:10 GMT -5
Post by fireweed on Jul 8, 2009 15:14:10 GMT -5
Thanks everybody. I'm so glad I'm back. Just reading some of the posts here has motivated me to take some action. I think I am someone who started out with a normal mind but it was frustrated all the time by frequent moves and all the emotianal chaos in our house. So I became kind of ADD. What was the point of trying something if you were just going to have to leave it all behind anyway? Well I've been living in this place for almost 16 years so that's not an excuse anymore!
Thanks for the good suggestions!
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Life
Jul 8, 2009 17:26:12 GMT -5
Post by messyang on Jul 8, 2009 17:26:12 GMT -5
Hey, Fireweed!!! You sound JUST like me!!! I have never learned to live and enjoy life. I do things because I HAVE to, also. I have no relationship with my family (long story) and my husband was killed in a car accident , leaving me to raise four kids by myself. There is no joy in my life. I get up because I HAVE to and feed my kids because I don't want them to starve, and I really don't give two hoots about my sink! I am fat and unattractive, and pretty much have always been that way. I love my children, but nothing brings me joy. I don't care most of the time if my house is clean, but if there is a knock at the door (which there usually ISNT), I am horrified. I don't know what to tell you, or how to make it better, but I wanted to tell you that I know how you feel. God bless you! Big hugs from Florida.
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Life
Jul 9, 2009 0:36:09 GMT -5
Post by Moodle on Jul 9, 2009 0:36:09 GMT -5
I kind of think my problem is that I never really learned how to live. How to get up in the morning, get dressed, do routines of whatever nature......I would do great at work but then come home and turn into a pumpkin.....So I think part of my problem is that I just react to life......I think I am only experiencing a small fraction of the joy of life and only using a little bit of the gifts I've been given. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any ideas where to start? Did the "shiny sink" work for any of you? I'm stumped. Oh, Fireweed, you are singing my song, dearest!! YES, I can totally relate! I think I learned routines, but I did not learn how to practice routines....I know what to do, I just am not able to engage what I know consistently. Sound familiar to you? I was just thinking this weekend that I really need a schedule because left to my own devices, I just do not take care of business at anytime when I am at home. I think the shiny sink is a great place to start and, as the original FlyLady says, you decide what your shiny sink is, if you do not want to take her literally. You have inspired me! I am going to implement a schedule for my self in increments. Simple one or two things to do each day that do not take more than 10 or 15 minutes to start with; I will need to build from there. Want to join me? Welcome back, Fireweed!!
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Life
Jul 9, 2009 7:12:49 GMT -5
Post by fireweed on Jul 9, 2009 7:12:49 GMT -5
Hi messyang! A big cross country hug from Alaska to Florida! You are a sweetheart! You've got to give yourself credit for raising four kids by yourself. That is a huge job! I shouldn't say I have no joy in life, I do have some joy, it's just so much of my life is such a grind and the grind never seems to be over and I don't seem to accomplish very much. I just look around and am completely overwhelmed. Moodle, a challenge? That sounds fun! Implementing a schedule in small increments? That is a new idea. Whenever I write out a daily schedule it is so overwhelming. I look at it and think " I can never do this" and so I never even get started using it. I love this idea! Count me in!
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