messymomma
New Member
Joined: November 2008
Posts: 79
|
Post by messymomma on Jul 9, 2009 15:35:20 GMT -5
UGH! Has anyone gotten that before? I was talking to several people about squalor and the UNANIMOUS response was "well people are just ***" or "you can't get into that kind of situation without just being a complete couch potato" etc....they don't know my situation (i don't let people see certain areas of my house) but I was kind of offended! Yeah I have moments where I don't want to do anything but I wouldn't say I was totally ***! What do you guys think??
|
|
|
|
Post by annieblue on Jul 9, 2009 15:47:00 GMT -5
Hiya MM  I think those people are just plain clueless, as they obviously have no concept of how many different paths there are into, through, & out of squalor. If the perfect storm of events/conditions came along, it could even be some of them one day. I don't wish it on anyone, but wouldn't they have a rude awakening? MANY of us here have had that rude awakening ourselves. What a surprise that we found ourselves in such overwhelming circumstances. And then what a blessing to find this community.  Don't let those other folks get you down. The issues we deal with here are far more common in the general population than most people would guess. Think about it - most people know at least one someone who is considered a 'packrat'. And that is not too far from where many of us began the slide into squalor. Maybe even one of the people you spoke with IS a packrat, & it is much easier to be horrified at someone else rather than look into the mirror. Best to you, Blue 
|
|
|
|
Post by Lucky Laura Loving Life on Jul 9, 2009 15:51:07 GMT -5
Dear Messymomma, You have just run into the kind of prejudice and bias that we face.Many people believe this and its SO not true!!! Many days I have run around like a chicken with my head cut off and still things are not where I want them to be as in the standards I would like to achieve.I am so sorry you were offended but the people involved may of been clueless that you would feel included in those statements if they have never seen your mess. Love, Laura  |
|
messymomma
New Member
Joined: November 2008
Posts: 79
|
Post by messymomma on Jul 9, 2009 16:02:57 GMT -5
it just sucks that we are fair game when it comes to stereotyping...at least we are in their eyes. My "messiness" started when I was pregnant with my first, I was in constant pain, it really wiped me out, then I was busy with a baby, and then by the time he was big enough to self entertain I just couldn't catch up, and now I'm expecting #2 and I know it's going to get worse. I got it contained to 2 rooms, but I can feel it coming on...it will explode again!
|
|
|
|
Post by notsomessyshell on Jul 9, 2009 18:04:06 GMT -5
I hope that shows like the ones on TLC are helping to squash those type attitudes. I know it hurt when I hear people say things like that. I know some of them would never call me ***, they do not know what my house looks like. I don't say anything, but suffer in silence.
|
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on Jul 9, 2009 18:14:04 GMT -5
MessyMomma, some of us can put more effort into our days than they ever dream of, and still be in this condition.
That's why the word is censored here. It is one thing we are not.
We have an illness. Our brains work differently. Some of us have different problems that trigger our difficulties, like depression, or OCD. It does not matter.
People have empathy for every disease but ours. That is just plain wrong.
messymimi
|
|
|
|
Post by eagle on Jul 9, 2009 20:55:33 GMT -5
I think these folks need to walk a mile in our shoes. They need to read our listzillas and try and keep up with us. I think they should join us in chat and see if they can figure out how they're going to do all the things that we all do each day. I think they were unkind and callous and rude when they said what they said.
My mom once said to me that she had no idea how she would have managed to do all that I did as a single mom working 3 jobs and going to nursing school. I was so amazed that she thought it was remarkable, because I never felt adequate back in those years of my life. She truly empowered me with that recognition.
And of course I have always been in awe of her ability to raise as many kids as she did AND keep a clean house. But one thing she never did was call me ***.
|
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Jul 9, 2009 21:08:57 GMT -5
Yeah, those kinds of people are really ignorant, don't listen to those goofballs. There are many reasons that houses get piled up, maybe as many reasons as there are different people. I've met some cleanies that were pretty layzee also . Like when they only cook microwave reheatables or when they are too hard on their kids....no wire hangers!  |
|
|
|
Post by yearning4order on Jul 9, 2009 22:05:12 GMT -5
Yes, I've gotten a lot of variations on that one. I used to have an AA sponsor who was sort of like that. I think the reality is that this is why we are able to help one another--because we understand as few others can.
In the case of that particular AA sponsor, I always felt horribly shamed and inferior. It simply wasn't helpful, and didn't result in any improvements in my squalor. My current AA sponsor is very different--while she doesn't understand or necessarily have suggestions, she has been nothing but loving and tolerant of my short comings. So much so that I burst into tears and sobbed the first time she told me it was ok to get messier, that God knows who I am and sees my heart. (This was meant on a spiritual basis, not a religious one--I hope that this commentary is not offensive in any manner to any one.)
While I tend to be a rather "tough" person, I'm actually a big tootsie roll, and very squishy on the inside. I can remember years ago working in a tire store, and swearing, and my then manager said, "Awww don't do that" in a very sweet voice. When I inquired why I shouldn't he said, "Because you are as pure as the driven snow."
No one, in my entire life had ever, ever looked at me with that kind of respect and sincerity. And no one in my entire life has ever suggested a life long squaloree like myself is in any way, shape or form pure. As I recall the moment, I was stunned into silence, and quickly took a bathroom break to go snuffle and cry a bit.
If I could have un-lazied my way out of squalor I would have. If I could have grown up and adulted my way out of squalor I would have. I don't know how I got broken like this, but I'm ok--and knowing you all "get it" and don't hate me, shun me, or dislike me has freed me up to do cleaning I never thought possible. I still have a long way to go, but I have some hope now.
|
|
|
|
Post by theroyaldump on Jul 10, 2009 7:54:48 GMT -5
I can so relate to this as it was only a couple of weeks ago that I was called that four letter word. I tried my best to explain that is wasn't a matter of being l**y, more of a mental condition. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I guess I just don't understand" and I told him that it was hard for me to explain something that I don't really understand myself. I reminded him that it wasn't that long ago that I was working 60 hours a week and that could not be termed l**y. He has no idea what it feels like to sit in a chair looking at the squalor that surrounds you and HATING what you see yet are unable to even fill one trash bag. Something in me would not let me do that. My mind would begin to think of other things to do, some fun and some not, that I would do instead. It took a broken A/C, temps over 100 degrees (inside!), and knowing that quite possibly I and the dog could die in the heat. All because I was too ashamed to allow a repairman into my home. Oddly, and quite telling I think, it was the thought of my dog suffering that motivated me more than my suffering. Yes, I do think more of the dog than myself. Working on that!
No one could beat us up worse than what we do to ourselves menatlly. We don' t need to be reminded about how we feel about ourselves. Just becasue it ISN'T TRUE that we are worthless or might even DESERVE this squalor, we feel what we feel. People can not understand that if something is easy and second nature to them it isn't easy and second nature to everyone.
My BF offered to come here and help me "fix" my squalor. He has NO IDEA the level it is and while he would still help me, I can't accept his offer. I know he thinks it is just "messy" His younger sister who is in her late 40's was indulged by their mother who enjoyed her company and wanted her to stay at home with her for the companionship. When their mother passeed away the younger sister was at a loss on what to do with her life. She had no skills to support herself and no money to keep up the home they lived in. She became depressed, scared. lonely, felt adrift and abandoned. She began to drink, didn't take care of herself or her home. She fell in to squalor and it accelerated to a level 5. Her dog died and she just stepped over it where it fell. Her home was dangerous and unhealthy. Did she want to live like that? PLEASE. BF said his sister was l**y. Are you kidding??? He would rant and rave about "Why does she think that she doesn't have to clean and work for a living like everyone else". He doesn't understand ... her MOTHER made her feel that way and now she doesn't know how to cope. Instead of helping her LEARN and trying to make her feel better about herself he went there and cleaned it up and told her to "Shape up". Wasn't long before she was right back living in squalor. I can't get him to understand that there is something mental going on wth her. In his mind she is a pig, a user, and L**y.
Nope, not gonna let him in my condo to help me clean this out.
This is a struggle for each and every one of us here. All of us would love to live in comfortable, clean homes that we are proud of. We are all woking to that very goal as best as each of us can. We are not l**y. WE ARE FIGHTERS!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Meme on Jul 10, 2009 13:58:13 GMT -5
This is difficult for me to answer and before I do--I want to qualify that this answer applies to me--
part of the reason that I got where I was - is real-- I was *** and simply did not do what needed be done- it was not really intention at the time- I just thought I had better things to do or I found reasons to give myself permission to do nothing.
There are always cases that are extreme re emotions but there also things I did or do not do that got to that place. but what really matters is finding my way out- and staying out -
The hardest thing for me to do after I came here was to get ''real'' and face some of my demons-or facts about me and lookiing hard at myself. and then not staying where I was-
It does not make me a better person or a worse person than any one.
There are people who simply have no ambition beyond living day by day but then they are not concerned about squalor- they do not see it and they can live in it- but that is not who I am and I do know there are valid reason why I got into a squalor situation but if I do not face those reasons, no matter how negative they are- I will not move on permanently- and the *** was just a part of the whole and something that I work at now to keep from sneaking back into my life.
please remember that I am speaking from my heart about me.
|
|
