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Post by onwardandupward on Jul 19, 2009 13:10:48 GMT -5
My mother died in June, rather unexpectedly. It has definitely been a tough time, but the passing of my mother has also made a huge change in how I feel on many levels. It as if the negative messages in my head have gone quiet for the first time in my life.
I have held the belief for a long time that my low self image was at the heart of my issues with my house and my weight. My mom was at the heart of the low self image. Both because nothing was ever good enough for her and also because I was so disgusted with the choices she made for herself and she was a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough. Now that she is gone, I see things much differently. I can see the sad reality of her life.
I am feeling very empowered and very different...but scared, too. Making big changes are hard, but it is way past time for me to live my life on my own terms.
I start Jenny Craig on Monday. The counselor there determined that I need to lose at least 60 pounds - more like 70 would be better. My primary goal is to lose 30 and see how I feel from there. It took me 6-7 years to put the weight on and I have carried it around for about 5 more, so it could take a while to lose it.
I start my cleaning today. I have been in much, much worse shape in my home - years ago I was very depressed and it got really bad as some of you may recall. I have moved twice since then and the place I am in now is a mess, but not really dirty. I decluttered a lot with each move, and I have been good about not piling up more stuff. Three full days of cleaning would have my home gleaming...but I don't have full days to work...just what is left of today and then after work this next week. I have a goal to get my home and my body in order at the same time.
Wish me luck. I know I can do it and I am tired of putting off what I know I need to do. Life is passing me by.
I want to feel good about myself. I want to find love. I want to set a better example for my kids. All of those things will can be accomplished much easier if I stop procrastinating and just get going.
Wish me luck.
Onward
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Post by paperpiler on Jul 19, 2009 13:57:08 GMT -5
One little step at a time, Onward. :-) My story is pretty much your story, except that it was/is my father. It wasn't until I moved out of state that I was able to free myself from seeing him and having to listen to his constant negative comments to me. I, too, felt empowered at that point. He is the way that he is...and he'll never change...and he does some nice things, too...but I truly needed to get away from that environment. He is still alive, but I have long seen the sad reality of his life, and I feel bad for him (but it doesn't mean that I have to accept what he tries to dole out to me in large amounts).
My apt., except for the bedroom, is now clean. I lost 30 lbs. but gained it back because I've had to eat from food pantries and buy cheap non-healthy, stretchable meals like Hamburger Helper. I'll do it again when I have money to be able to buy better quality, healthy food on an every-day basis and get back on my Weight Watchers program.
Bottom line...set yourself those goals and go after them, girl! Change starts with a single step and I have no doubt that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish. Keep us posted on how it's going. And remember, as with anything in life, you'll have the stumbling bumbling days mixed in with the running and flying days...but I know you'll do great!
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 19, 2009 14:35:46 GMT -5
My mom died in October of 2004, and I think I was much less self-aware than you because things got much worse for me for a while. Now I look around and it's with great sadness and a lot of guilt that I realize it, but as long as my mom had been alive and our dynamic had not changed, I could have never gotten as far as I have. I wish I had somehow found it within me to do these while she was still alive, to improve her life too. That's the problem I have now--guilt. It's getting better over time, though. I'm so glad you feel empowered and strong. Now you can move ahead without such a negative influence in your life.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Jul 19, 2009 16:25:27 GMT -5
bravo for your strength onward. hugs to you in this time of grieving too.
i know you can harness this energy and use it to make a very good start on your journey. and i wish you huge success.
much love, chez x
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 19, 2009 17:46:32 GMT -5
Thank you for posting this Onwards. It is very encouraging and motivating. I am going through some mother issues of my own right now too, also finding healing at this time.
I know that you have the power to make any and all changes in your life, and you are just at the beginning of your big journey. HUGS
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Post by bigtimetroubles on Jul 19, 2009 18:41:23 GMT -5
I first saw your kitchen photos and then read this and I know it does not seem like much but you got alot on your side here and now....I will hope for you to do well in future with your goals....I know my kitchen would look good if it was in your house I like the goals of taking on something to make changes...I have made many changes and see that as one of the most important aspects of my life dealing with depression and mental health issues I have always had. keep on keeping on...sorry about the loss you had with your mom's sudden death....greive as you must and celebrate each day as you change.... hugs bigtimetroubles
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Post by Script on Jul 20, 2009 12:12:43 GMT -5
nothing was ever good enough for her I believe that there are a lot of cruel judgemental non-supportive PARENTS in this world. True story: I was recently at a cottage. The living room had some excellent art works: professionally framed; some under glass. I spotted something totally charming on one of the larger pieces: small hand-prints on the glass. Obviously one of the little grandchildren had stood up on the sofa to look more closely at 'the nice picture.' I pointed out this adorable detail to my host, thinking he would see the kid's hand-prints as CUTE. Touching. Adorable. Whatever: some positive emotion. There are a dozen grandchildren of various ages in the family. I was shocked by my host's response. He yelped in fear, "Gotta clean those up right away. Things like that drive my mother crazy." I got out the windex and started cleaning.............very very sad. Dear Onward: good luck with your new life, your new goals, YOUR HOPE for a better future for YOU. luv from Script
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Post by grungygeorgie on Jul 20, 2009 17:09:45 GMT -5
I wish you so much luck.I can totally relate.Right there w/ you!gg
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Post by Meme on Jul 20, 2009 18:21:09 GMT -5
I am my daughters' mother who often hears these things said to me- if only I had done or not done something then they would not be living the way they are now- one says I was too bad and one says I was too good so I need them to tell me- ------- will I finally be off the hook when I die??? sigh- I have to ask because I am sad not being the mother my daughters want me to be........and I wonder if I could have been better or did I do the best I could do with what I knew then and now?? or will the time come when they realize the choices they made or make were not really made because of me-
where does a mother go to resign? written with a sad and puzzled heart.
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