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Post by charis on Nov 11, 2009 18:58:19 GMT -5
People (men or otherwise) who make more money but work the same hours and think they can loaf while their partner takes care of the home. Just who is sponging off who?
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Post by wendy on Nov 11, 2009 19:31:36 GMT -5
I think Arid has a great idea here, and it may be a way you can parent the children even when you're not there. You could assign the children tasks to do while you're gone, and set up a star chart. If they do each task, they get a star for each task. The payoff is that if they get a certain number of stars, say 10, they get a treat--like ice cream. When they get to 20 stars, they get a prize. When they get 30 stars, they get a special outing, like a movie. Then you take the stars down and start the chart all over again. I did this when my children were younger, and it really did seem to motivate them.
As for DH, oh dear oh dear oh dear. Maybe a job chart for him would work too...at least it's worth a try. It really seems like you've talked to him till you're blue in the face, with no results, and I'm so sorry. Maybe time for marriage counseling?
Wishing you all the best, Wendy
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Post by midlife on Nov 12, 2009 15:22:17 GMT -5
Jenn, gigantic hugs for you and the problems you're going through. I've got two kids, including a very destructive three year-old, and they're a challenging handful even when I'm home all day! (As I am now -- stupid economic recession.) I don't have any advice to add to all the good stuff other people have posted, but I just wanted to give you my support.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 12, 2009 15:46:36 GMT -5
Possibly because they are ashamed and don't want to wet the mattress? I was a bed wetter for a very long time as a child, and it was a nightmare. I used to pray every night that I wouldn't wet, and it never worked...I would sneak into the bathroom with a pillow and blanket and sleep inside the bathtub I dreaded wetting so much - at least a blanket and p.j.'s were not as bad as wetting the mattress. I was such a deep sleeper I didn't even know I was doing it. My bedwetting infuriated my parents and I could count on waking up and getting a hard spanking from my step dad if I didn't have a dry night - so then I used to start trying to stay awake all night, just to avoid getting in trouble for something I literally had no control over - I remember feeling desperate as a child, frantic and desperate when bedtime rolled around. If I had the option of wearing potty pants, pull-ups, anything that would have diffused the anger over my childhood lack of control I would have gratefully leapt at that chance. Honestly, my years of bedwetting and the ensuing trauma it caused still makes me feel terrible guilt (and the tears still fill my eyes as I write this) and shame. I would have done anything to stop, believe me I didn't want that kind of attention. I eventually grew out of it, but it took a long time. I say yay for the plastic pull ups Thank you for that insightful post, as painful as it was to write. Wendy, very insightful. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, but I have been doing this with my children and SO's children and it does work. When SO's children "help" I praise them for what they did, and they actually ask me if there is anything they can do to help or to earn money. I am not saying they are perfect little angels by any means, but they are very good kids and I love them like my own. The most precious memory I have is when I was gathering trash to take out and I came back into the house to get a second bag and SO's son, who was three at the time, was pulling the trashbag (which was bigger than he was) across the kitchen floor to bring it outside to me. It brought tears to my eyes. Jenn, I am thinking about you and I do hope that maybe a combination of some of the ideas here will help you. Bless you, BF P.S. ARGGHHH!!!! I so sympathize with you in the DH department. He sounds so much like my ex-husband. Yes, I admit I hoarded and did not do all I could do to keep our home nice, but he certainly did not help. He actually considers spending time with his 3 y/o son "babysitting!" More hugs to you and your plan sounds like a good one.
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Post by Fivecat on Nov 13, 2009 0:21:48 GMT -5
For your floor, i would suggest pulling up the carpet, then soak the subfloor with nature's miracle or some other type of odor eliminator, let that dry, then painting over it with a good sealer paint, probably some kinda of exterior paint that repels water. after that, you can either just leave it as is, paint a design, or put sheet vinyl or vinyl tile down over it. That way it will remain water repellant and cleanable. From someone who really hates carpet around kids or pets, Fivecat
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Post by zen on Nov 13, 2009 14:37:08 GMT -5
Thank you Breakingfree for recognizing the anguish in my post - I felt a bit lost after posting that, it's amazing how one can traverse decades and relive a painful period in an instant.
Jenn, one thing that helps me in rough situations is to keep in mind that you won't always have this situation to deal with. The wonderful folks here are such a deep resource for help and reassurance, each little step or new piece of advice can cobble together a new workable situation, even if the situation isn't perfect, new tools added to our personal toolboxes are key to helping us along our way with less frustration and pain.
It is when we are at our wits end and we tie a knot in the end of that rope that some of the biggest changes come out of in my experience. When you have to find a new way - you do, and circumstances and insights improve.
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone one this board for sharing their immense wisdom and experiences - I have learned more about things I never knew about, and put into practice new tools and strategies for my own challenges by reading and learning about everyone else's.
Continued hugs and wishes for dealing with this persistent and difficult challenge Jenn.
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Post by kadymae on Nov 14, 2009 13:42:34 GMT -5
Jenn,
Would the kids sleep through an alarm clock? I'm thinking that if you get one and set it to go off about 1am that would be the cue for them to get up and go potty in the middle of the night?
And heck yes, use the pull-ups.
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Post by Chris on Nov 14, 2009 14:11:11 GMT -5
I just wanted to say that those really good pads that are washable that go under elderly persons (at home and in the nursing home) are about $20 in a medical supply place. They are machine wash/dry. I can't remember if you have a washer and dryer? I know the pullups would be easier. I just thought I'd mention it just in case. The ones they make for the elderly are a lot better than the ones they used to make for babies. And they are bigger. But this might not be an option - I just mention on the off chance it could help down the line....
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jennmommi
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 91
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Post by jennmommi on Nov 15, 2009 21:53:40 GMT -5
OK kids are in pullups, no argument from hubby, or the twins, so I guess they are getting tired of it too. I rented a Rug Doctor and used the Kids and Pets cleaner. I put it on the mattresses and carpet and let it sit. Then I used the Rug Doctor with plain water to suck up the cleaner and urine. I sat the mattresses outside in the sun and let the kids sleep on the air mattress while theirs was drying (took a couple of days). I brought the mattresses inside today and put a plastic over over them. I told the kids it was very important to keep this on and not tear it up because they can get sick if they pee on the bare mattress so this keeps the mattress clean. I also put a washable waterproof mattress cover on (it is like a sheet and I've been using them but the kids would pull them off and pee on the bare mattress, thus the problem). I hope that this works, but I know I will have to eventually replace the carpet, for now, the smell in the carpet has not come back.
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Post by still on Nov 15, 2009 22:52:08 GMT -5
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Post by littleengine on Nov 16, 2009 9:28:40 GMT -5
That's awesome, Jennmommi. A lot of work, I'm so glad it paid off!! My 5-year-old is not dry at night yet either--it's normal. Things just click into place when their bodies are ready. Good for you for taking care of things despite your husband's attitude.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Nov 16, 2009 11:53:21 GMT -5
Way to go! You really took the bull by the horns!
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