hollydayzd
New Member
Sure-fire way to cure that clutter problem!
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 94
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Post by hollydayzd on Nov 26, 2009 4:05:11 GMT -5
   Of course, it took me almost 4 days to wash, dry, hang, fold & put away 18 loads of laundry, but I did it!  Something someone on this board told me a long time ago finally *clicked* in my brain. She talked about the difference in saying, "I have to do ...." or "I need to be doing ...." or "I should do ...." and saying "I CHOOSE to do this!" At the time it just sounded like semantics to me. What does it matter what words you use to get motivated & get something done? Well, I found out it's not just the words themselves but the belief behind them. I grew up with a VERY controlling mother who was a neat freak to the point of sterilization and who had no respect for any of my things, throwing them away whenever she felt like it. Once I moved out, I developed a huge case of the messies, which eventually turned into a huge case of the hoardies. I knew how much it aggravated & annoyed my mother so when I was feeling particularly resentful & spiteful, I would do things like my famous keeping-dead-roses-in-a-vase-for-over-a-year thing.  However, on the occasions when I just wanted to keep the peace, I would go on a cleaning rampage before she visited, just so we wouldn't argue for once. I felt like I was cheating my kids out of a grandmother because she would spend the whole time cleaning my house & not getting time with them. Needless to say, cleaning always held some deeply bad vibes for me. Then the hoarding became a passive-aggressive way for me to express to her that she was not in control any more, I was. Well, after 20 years of 'knowing' I should clean up & clean out all the mess, it finally clicked that annoying my mother was not helping ME feel better at all. I guess it's true what they say - doing things out of spite or revenge might feel good momentarily but it doesn't help you in the long run. I finally decided that I was cleaning house for ME & my family, not for my mother. Even if she takes some kind of smug satisfaction in it (thinking she had something to do with getting me to change), it doesn't matter because I know the truth --- that I CHOSE to do this for myself. That's way more empowering than irritating her with dead flowers!  Whew, I'm exhausted! But feeling very content and ready to face Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives ....  |
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Post by bigtimetroubles on Nov 26, 2009 5:10:52 GMT -5
welcome to my laundry day.......hehehe
Yes I put off laundry so long I usually have hug loads of laundry to get done with at one time....mine usually never takes more than two days though.....
and mine usually never top six loads....but I LIVE ALONE! No kids laundry added in to the mix of loads of clothes.....hugs btt
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Post by puppybox on Nov 26, 2009 11:46:01 GMT -5
well that is ONE HUMOUNGOUS breakthrough!
both laundry-wise and emotionally.
YOU RULE!
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Nov 26, 2009 11:46:16 GMT -5
Once I moved out, I developed a huge case of the messies, which eventually turned into a huge case of the hoardies. I knew how much it aggravated & annoyed my mother so when I was feeling particularly resentful & spiteful, I would do things like my famous keeping-dead-roses-in-a-vase-for-over-a-year thing.
Then the hoarding became a passive-aggressive way for me to express to her that she was not in control any more, I was.
Well, after 20 years of 'knowing' I should clean up & clean out all the mess, it finally clicked that annoying my mother was not helping ME feel better at all.
I guess it's true what they say - doing things out of spite or revenge might feel good momentarily but it doesn't help you in the long run.
I finally decided that I was cleaning house for ME & my family, not for my mother. Even if she takes some kind of smug satisfaction in it (thinking she had something to do with getting me to change), it doesn't matter because I know the truth --- that I CHOSE to do this for myself. That's way more empowering than irritating her with dead flowers!  way to go !!!
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Post by iprocrastinate on Nov 26, 2009 11:50:41 GMT -5
 Great Job!!!  Good thinking!!! Happy for you!! 
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Post by Peach on Nov 26, 2009 12:13:21 GMT -5
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Post by margaret56 on Nov 26, 2009 12:22:17 GMT -5
Wow! That's an inspiring lot of work!
It might have been me, long ago, talking about what a difference it made to in my life when I stopped constantly telling myself "I have to do this" and "I should do that" and began instead to CHOOSE to do things. I, too had a neatfreak mother who always made me feel I "should" be doing better at cleaning than I ever did. And out of spite, I would do even worse!
It's demeaning and de-motivating when we nag ourselves with "shoulds" and "have to's" , empowering and even exhilirating when we take the reins of our own lives and CHOOSE.
Kudos to you holly, and congratulations on getting all that laundry done.
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Post by StuffNoMore on Nov 26, 2009 12:23:59 GMT -5
WOW!!!! I probably have close to that to do but may have to do it a bit at a time each day. My master bedroom and bath are almost looking like a carpet of laundry right about now and will most like come close to your record.  On your "choice" to get that done SNM |
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cisca
New Member
Joined: November 2009
Posts: 64
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Post by cisca on Nov 26, 2009 18:13:52 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing your story it really does something with me. Every-time i am crises-cleaning because we are having someone over,and realizing how nice to have our place seems so much more organized, it feels so good when the room is not chaotic and my mind is less chaotic too. Really something i deserve and not only our visitors.
And i deserve it without the boxes upstairs that hold the stuff we wanted out of sight.
And my compliments you stayed focusing to washing that 18 loads of laundry.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Post by mish on Nov 27, 2009 23:29:32 GMT -5
Go you! Very inspiring. Am off to do laundry now!
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hollydayzd
New Member
Sure-fire way to cure that clutter problem!
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 94
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Post by hollydayzd on Nov 28, 2009 5:09:42 GMT -5
It's funny. Usually, we are encouraged to just make small goals & do a little at a time because the big project is so overwhelming we end up doing nothing. But this time I decided I was going to keep going until the laundry room was usable again. I still have 3 to 4 loads but haven't been able to get to it yet because of the holidays. Actually one load I did in pieces instead of whole hog like I usually do. I threw the laundry in the washer before I went to bed, threw it in the dryer when I got up, then hung them up that night before bed. Ok so it took a whole day to do one pile of laundry but it seemed like such a small thing once I broke it down into little stages. That never worked for me before because I'd start a project, then get bogged down in the 1st or 2nd stage & then be stuck in the middle with the house looking worse than before because everything was now spread out & getting even more disorganized. Now I can do "stages" like regular people. Amazing. I don't know WHAT triggered this change of thinking, I am just grateful that I am now open enough to receive the message & respond to it. I have been reading a lot about the brain & how we can change so much about ourselves by merely thinking forward. Like instead of saying, "I want to stop hoarding things" you say "Whew! I'm so glad I'm not a hoarder any more. It was so suffocating being surrounded by all that stuff!" Basically you just put the good thoughts in your head of already accomplishing your goal & that encourages you to jump in. Now that you are not a hoarder any more, you don't need all this stuff around & that makes it easier to pitch it out. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I hope you get the gist. Another thing is to associate really really good consequences with any behavior that helps accomplish the goal. If you do it enough times, you can basically trick your brain into believing that cleaning makes you feel GREAT so you WANT to do it more often. The trick is to keep it up & not let yourself start feeling guilty or ashamed or depressed while you are cleaning out. Let's say while cleaning, you find a dead roach in some of your more decent belongings. Instead of doing the usual thing, "Omg, this is SO disgusting, I can't believe I live this way! I am such a gross person!" you say, "Wow, it's a good thing I got past my hurdles & nipped that pesky hoarding thing in the bud. I coulda had a whole family of roaches in there! Now I'm going to have a house that is just as fabulous as I am." That was another thought I used to 'change my brain.' Taking control of my life. The brain trick: I viewed my stuff as a living entity that controlled everything I did. My "stuff" made all my decisions for me. It decided if I could have friends over. It decided if I would be allowed to eat or if the stove would be usable. It decided how much space it would let me walk in. Well, after the childhood I had, I became a very stubborn & resistant person. No one was ever going to tell me what to do any more! So the thought that this mound of crud was controlling me like I was its prisoner was unacceptable. I used a little of that anger & rebellion in me to 'fight back' and let it know it would NOT win. Yes, staying focused was the hardest part - especially after I started to get tired about 6 loads in. Like others with OCD/Hoarding, I was an all-or-nothing type of person so if I stopped a project in the middle, it was admitting defeat and I felt like I couldn't resume the project later from wherever I had left off. But with the laundry I took lots of breaks & when I'd had enough for the day, I didn't push myself to do more more more. I just started again the next day. I looked at it like we are encouraged to look at weight loss --- you didn't get to 300 lbs in one week, so you're not going to lose to your goal weight in a week. All that laundry didn't get there overnight so it wasn't going to be physically possible to finish it all in one night. Now if I can apply all this new thinking to my paper problem, I just might get this thing licked!   |
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Post by Serendipity on Nov 28, 2009 5:53:36 GMT -5
Hollydazed wrote: ( i tried to do the cool quote box but it didn't work) "I have been reading a lot about the brain & how we can change so much about ourselves by merely thinking forward. Like instead of saying, "I want to stop hoarding things" you say "Whew! I'm so glad I'm not a hoarder any more. It was so suffocating being surrounded by all that stuff!" Basically you just put the good thoughts in your head of already accomplishing your goal & that encourages you to jump in. Now that you are not a hoarder any more, you don't need all this stuff around & that makes it easier to pitch it out. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I hope you get the gist. Another thing is to associate really really good consequences with any behavior that helps accomplish the goal. If you do it enough times, you can basically trick your brain into believing that cleaning makes you feel GREAT so you WANT to do it more often. The trick is to keep it up & not let yourself start feeling guilty or ashamed or depressed while you are cleaning out. Let's say while cleaning, you find a dead roach in some of your more decent belongings. Instead of doing the usual thing, "Omg, this is SO disgusting, I can't believe I live this way! I am such a gross person!" you say, "Wow, it's a good thing I got past my hurdles & nipped that pesky hoarding thing in the bud. I coulda had a whole family of roaches in there! Now I'm going to have a house that is just as fabulous as I am." That was another thought I used to 'change my brain.' Taking control of my life. The brain trick: I viewed my stuff as a living entity that controlled everything I did. My "stuff" made all my decisions for me. It decided if I could have friends over. It decided if I would be allowed to eat or if the stove would be usable. It decided how much space it would let me walk in. Well, after the childhood I had, I became a very stubborn & resistant person. No one was ever going to tell me what to do any more! So the thought that this mound of crud was controlling me like I was its prisoner was unacceptable. I used a little of that anger & rebellion in me to 'fight back' and let it know it would NOT win." [/quote] thank you hollydazed Wow! 18 loads of laundry! Now where to put it all! Your insights are amazing for me. Thanks so much. I have always heard the idea that our thoughts create our reality, but I have never thought of telling myself that it has already happened! talk about lightbulb moment! thank you from the bottom of my heart! the researcher in me would love to know where you are reading about this. " whew! I am so glad i am not a hoarder anymore! All that stuff was suffocating me" and confusing me. I am going to think of ways that i can apply this to my present situations. My beautiful, red hair is one jumble of knots.( my hairbrush and five combs lost months ago) I lost my nail clippers, I keep looking for them where they should be, they aren't there and I forget to buy a new pair until I look at my nails again some of which are torn and ragged. My automatic thought is " i don't take care of myself anymore" and somehow that is where i am stuck.I have tshirts that are 15 years old. i don't spend one cent on myself regarding clothes or shoes. I wear a hodge-podge of clothes and somehow think it doesn't matter, I want to be invisible but I wear ridiculous bright pink garden clogs (purchased end of summer at the drugstore for $ 6 from the bargain bin) ( automatic thought-- I am not worth spending money on?)in november because they are all I can find. I hope i can think of a thought to shift that thinking. a weird part of it is that I am very near sighted. I used to wear contacts instead of glasses and then i could see what I looked like in the mirror. out of sight , out of mind? hollydazed, what an amazing mind shift regarding your mother and cleaning! i somehow think i am rebelling against the whole world telling me how i should be. but what do they care?! who am i hurting except for me? i garnered a huge amount of attention for my looks mid-teens after being a skinny dorky looking preteen, definitely a shock to the system. I could never just blend in with waist long thick wavy auburn hair .Maybe I am wanting to be not much to look at. Maybe as a frumpy almost 49 year old , it is time to say, I think I will brush my beautiful red hair again. i am tearing up, thank you so much for being you! |
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Deleted
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2009 11:05:47 GMT -5
Good for you, hollydazed! I know what you mean about working in small bits vs. big projects. I like to do the "little bits" for daily maintenance when I'm too tired to handle real cleaning; but then other times, it's just easier to take a big chunk of time and get it DONE. And I too struggle with the whole "rebellion" issue. I grew up in a house where every Saturday, my parents would go into a cleaning tirade, yelling at us to clean things up. (Not that I don't think we should clean, but must it require yelling and tirades?) I grew up hating weekends, and to this day I have a hard time cleaning up on Saturdays, because it brings up negative feelings. Serendipity, I too have struggle with the whole frumpy-not-wanting-to-spend-money-on-myself issue. Recently I decided that it was having a negative effect on me (especially at my job) and have been working on de-frumping myself.  The biggest (and hardest) part was setting aside some money and some time for clothes shopping, and then forcing myself to spend it. It hasn't been easy but I am glad I chose to do it. I'm also working on establishing self-care habits, and that has been a positive experience as well. I totally understand about not wanting to draw attention to yourself. I just keep reminding myself that I have the right to look nice and that it is not a negative thing but a positive one. |
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Post by motivatedmama on Nov 28, 2009 11:40:33 GMT -5
Wow....that is profound! I am really going to try thinking in terms of me not being a hoarder anymore. All of what you said is really deep and could be a great help to many of us I am sure! Going to start tackling my Laundry room today, because I don't want to be controlled by the mountain in there....seriously I probably have 50 loads. I need to purge a ton as well. Thank you again!  |
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Post by kadymae on Nov 28, 2009 15:58:04 GMT -5
You -- For The Win!
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