salmon
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Post by salmon on Jan 15, 2010 23:53:22 GMT -5
Many years ago I encountered the apartment of someone living in level three plus squalor in my apartment complex. It was the first time I had ever seen something like this and I did not know what to do.
I had known this woman for a few years as a neighbor and thought she was quite nice. One day she asked if I would care for her dog while she went out of town for a week. I said yes and she gave me her keys plus she wrote down instructions on what to feed the dog, which she would leave at her place.
The first morning that I went inside I was stunned. I had never seen anything like it. The mess was almost to the ceiling and I couldn't really tell what it was. I could see dead plants, newspapers, clothes, jars, and all kinds of things. There was almost no room to move and it smelled awful. My first thought was that this person had committed suicide and set it up so I would find her and take care of her dog. I leashed the dog and took her food and left.
Because I was afraid it was a suicide I called a friend to come back in with me and she came over. We moved through the apartment together and found that there was a path to the couch, but nobody was on it. The front door of the apartment was inaccessible as was the bedroom and bathroom. There was a television set on top of the toilet. The refrigerator was plugged in but not working. I did not see feces but it smelled bad.
Other than the couch and the path to it there was no functional living space...I think there was so much stuff on top of the furniture that it was no longer even visible. I decided to take the dog back to my apartment and keep her there.
I remembered this person saying that there were squirrels in the apartment that came in through the 3rd floor window because it was next to the tree. When I saw what it was like inside I could understand why she couldn't just call the landlord about the problem.
I saw this apartment as dangerous- the weight of stuff in there must have been enormous. There were squirrels and roaches and mice. It was hard to breathe. There were no functioning appliances. But it was someone's home for 25 years.
The person whose dog I was caring for was a really good, kind intelligent person. Like many of us I sensed she struggled with depression. But when I saw her apartment I was overwhelmed and I felt like it was a danger to everyone living in the building as well as to her. I felt like I should do something but I didn't know what to do.
After talking it over with a few people I called the landlord and told him about it. I let him and the janitor know that she would be gone for a few days so they could see it. I asked them not to tell her that I had told them, and not to evict her. But I felt like I had to tell someone. To this day, I feel like I betrayed her.
When she came back she told me that she was embarrassed about her apartment and I said it was no big deal. I told her that I kept her dog at my place so I wouldn't have to go up and down the stairs so many times. I did not tell her that I told the landlord about the mess.
She did have to leave the building, but they gave her six months to prepare for it. They did give her some help and provided extra dumpsters. She ended up moving in with a friend which saved her some money on rent.
I feel badly about how I handled it because I did not tell her that I told the landlord, and I don't know if she ever knew. I didn't know her very well but she was always kind to me. If someone reported me to a landlord- even though my squalor is mostly level one with a little two- I would be humiliated.
Is there a better way to handle this? Should I have kept it to myself? I just don't know.
Salmon
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hopehope
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Post by hopehope on Jan 16, 2010 0:49:10 GMT -5
In these circumstances it is wise to talk to the person themself, first.
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Post by illuminata on Jan 16, 2010 1:23:34 GMT -5
Well, let me ask you this...
Did her quality of life improve or worsen after your actions?
Perhaps she felt so overwhelmed that, unconsciously, this was how she dealt with getting out of it...by having someone else make the "decision" for her, even though she didn't realize in her conscious mind that was what she was doing. Now, I'm just guessing.
While sometimes we do second-guess our actions, and I can't say that you did or did not do the right thing here (I don't know), I'd say in this case it seems that you had her best at heart. You weren't acting in a malicious way or in a way that was purposefully designed to embarrass her. It looks like you wanted her to be healthy and safe, and you wanted others in the building to be safe as well.
[edited to add]
I just thought of something else. You said this was "many years ago". I am taking this to mean that this was before you discovered this site and discovered what it meant to help get yourself out of your own squalor.
So...you did what you thought you could do AT THAT TIME, with the resources and information you had available to you AT THAT TIME, as the person you were AT THAT TIME. Would you behave differently now? I don't know; only you know that. But we do what we can with what we have when we have it.
There was a saying somebody said on the SS boards, maybe it was Fivecat..."You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better." It isn't for me to say you did right or wrong, but I can say that you can't criticize yourself for not acting on knowledge that you didn't even have then.
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Post by Evelyn on Jan 16, 2010 2:55:29 GMT -5
In general, it is best to speak to the person with the squalor first; as a matter of trust, accountability, and dignity. But cases alter circumstances, and in this case I think I agree with Lumy: your neighbor may have created this situation as an unconscious way of seeking help. It seems very unusual for a person in any degree of squalor to let someone else have access to their apartment without first saying anything about the mess: since my own squalor went to a very high level two, I have avoided traveling just because I couldn't get the place cleaned up enough so that I could stand to have someone come in and take care of my cat. So the way your neighbor dropped you into her level three squalor without any comment or preparation makes me think that something must have been up. And it does sound like the apartment was dangerous, with vermin and strucutral and fire hazards that could have placed you and all of your neighbors at risk. I think you did pretty well, especially given that it was the first time you'd been encountered such serious squalor. (Despite having grown up with Level Two housekeeping as standard, I was profoundly shocked by encountering Level Three With A Spot Of Four the first time I visited a distant elderly relative. That was 30 years ago, and I'm still not quite over some of it.) It seems to me the real acid test is how your neighbor was affected by your actions: she got six months grace, some help cleaning out her apartment, and extra garbage-hauling services. Then she was able to move in with a friend, saving money on rent and perhaps providing needed support and companionship for both roommates. It sounds like your actions left your neighbor better off than she was before. While ends don't always justify means, ends are still pretty darned important; and a positive outcome from a situation like that is a very good and valuable thing. As to your feeling as if you betrayed her - I don't know if this will help at all; but since she never confided in you directly or asked you not to tell the landlord, in the strictest letter-of-the-law sense of things, you never did betray her confidence. (And, for what it's worth, I would be more than happy for you to come take care of my cat while I was away, even if my apartment were still at its Level Two worst.  ) - Evelyn |
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Post by clutterfree on Jan 16, 2010 3:22:21 GMT -5
You're not considering the possibility that you may have saved her from a worse situation later with someone else making the 'discovery' instead of you. You have may have saved her life. People get crushed to death in situations like that. People freeze, die of heat exhaustion, and suffer in places where they can't let repairmen in and the situation is that extreme. What you did may have been exactly what needed to be done. That's just as likely as any other possibility.
I look back, and in the worst of my squalor I would have been ashamed, humiliated and horrified to have someone 'official' come into my home and see the mess. But I was ashamed, humiliated and horrified by it every day already. I didn't rent or take part in any kind of program where people would have had to come in for any reason, so I was spared that kind of thing.
My temptation was to say 'fortunately,' but was it? We never went without heat, water, food, shelter and the basics, but I still feel guilty that my daughter lived in such a cluttered and filthy house, otherwise. Had someone stormed in and said, no, this must change and now, they would not have been wrong. I had no right to continue that way without cleaning it up for her sake. It would not have been a betrayal of me, but a caring act.
Anyone living in squalor needs help in some form or another. Whether it's support to do it themselves, or outside help. No one should have to live like that in constant overwhelm and fear.And someone living in it for years like that has a much lesser chance of doing it on their own. It's built up for so long and is so charged with so many negative emotions, it's less likely to happen without physical help.
People get up in arms about being found out and forced to change, but the truth is that for a few people it's the only way it will ever happen. They spend years thinking about it and doing dribs and drabs here and there, but the bulk never changes and it's always 'one day.' Your neighbor may have been one of those people.
Even if she was about to suddenly make a breakthrough and do it on her own, I think letting someone in without warning, as others have said, was in a way an act of reaching out. Maybe she really wanted someone else to take the kind of action she was incapable of.
But even if none of these things are true, you did the best you could at the time with what you had.
I don't think any of us can ask any more from ourselves and each other than that.
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Post by Chris on Jan 16, 2010 13:46:54 GMT -5
I think that you did what you thought was right at the time and so don't be too hard on yourself.
I also suspect that her asking you to take care of her dog could have been a cry for help -- because she knew you'd see her apartment.
It is always very hard to balance the needs of one person against the needs of the other tenants and property owner and the health and safety of everyone (including the hoarder).
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salmon
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Post by salmon on Jan 16, 2010 14:38:41 GMT -5
Thank you for the feedback.
Looking back - probably 15 years ago - this was my first encounter with a squalor situation. I had no idea anyone lived this way. My own mess had not gotten out of hand yet. I had no idea how her apartment got to that point.
At some level the guilt I feel was because I did not talk to her first. I don't think I would have known what to say or how to help. She might have begged me not to tell anyone.
It was a big act of trust on her part to let me in. At the time I did not know what it meant. I am not sure why she chose to let me in her place- she could have asked to leave her dog with me and I would have said yes. Yes, I did the best I could do at the time. It seems to me that the issues are a bit different when someone is a renter than the owner of a home. In this case she had no family to notice her situation, only neighbors.
The landlord handled it compassionately. I did not know that he would ahead of time.
If it happened today I would talk to her first and have more of an idea how to help. I guess nowadays there are more resources and that is good.
Salmon
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Post by eagle on Jan 16, 2010 16:51:47 GMT -5
Salmon, this obviously bothers you and you are seeking some kind of resolve over the guilt. Perhaps you fear the same may happen to you at some point in your own life and that you might deserve it because you did the same yourself. If you feel you need forgiveness for your actions, you can seek the woman out and apologize and ask her to forgive you. If you can't find her, you can volunteer somewhere such as Meals on Wheels or an animal shelter.
Guilt over doing something to hurt someone else comes from within ourselves and is often blown all out of proportion. It does sound as if the landlord was very empathetic and in her case things did not go badly. And that is a nice surprise, as often that is not the case. Often landlords are not particularly understanding and patient when tenants allow their property to fall into disrepair due to squalor. Often the tenant is evicted and humiliated. I am glad that in this case, that was not the immediate result.
So, knowing what you know now, what would you do? Or better yet, what would like me to do if I found your apartment in the same condition when I go in to take care of your dog while you are away?
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salmon
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Post by salmon on Jan 16, 2010 21:24:39 GMT -5
Eagle
If someone found my apartment in the same condition... I would want help. Especially if it wasn't healthy for me or my pet. There is no way that a person could get out of this alone.
Salmon
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Post by messyang on Jan 17, 2010 9:26:09 GMT -5
I am sure you are a wonderful , kind person, but truly I think that reporting her to the landlord was a breach of friendship. It doesn't matter if her life improved afterwards or not, it should have been handled between the two of you. THEN if she did not improve, perhaps reporting her would have been appropriate. I am living in squalor albiet not that bad, I guess ,and if I trusted a friend with the keys to my apartment, and the care of my precious dog, and I was "turned in"...it would be the end of that friendship. As I said, I am sure you had great intentions, but it was a betrayal, plain and simple.
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salmon
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Post by salmon on Jan 17, 2010 13:02:20 GMT -5
messyang
I hear what you are saying, and I did feel like I betrayed her.
The thing is- I would not have known what to say to her. She was a neighbor who I called a friend because we always chatted when we ran into each other walking our dogs, but she was not a close friend. I really knew very little about her life. I knew nothing about squalor. I also knew that I did not feel comfortable putting the dog back in that apartment once I took her out of it. For 3 days I agonized about what to do.
One of the people I talked to during that period was the exterminator who came to our building every few weeks. There were roaches in my apartment, and no matter how often I let him in to spray, they kept coming back. When I told him about her apartment he said that the entire building would continue to have roaches and possibly worse until that apartment was cleaned up. He said he had been coming to our building for 15 years and never once was let in to that apartment.
So, I did feel a sense of responsibility toward the other neighbors and the building owner too. Her squalor was affecting many other people.
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Post by illuminata on Jan 17, 2010 15:49:51 GMT -5
I am sure you are a wonderful , kind person, but truly I think that reporting her to the landlord was a breach of friendship. It doesn't matter if her life improved afterwards or not, it should have been handled between the two of you. THEN if she did not improve, perhaps reporting her would have been appropriate. I am living in squalor albiet not that bad, I guess ,and if I trusted a friend with the keys to my apartment, and the care of my precious dog, and I was "turned in"...it would be the end of that friendship. As I said, I am sure you had great intentions, but it was a betrayal, plain and simple. messyang, I understand what you are saying, and you are right to a point. I feel that if the situation were to happen now, say to me, and I turned in a squalorous friend to a landlord, then yes...it would probably be a betrayal if I did not go to that person first and try to help. But, this happened many years ago, before salmon had to deal with it in her own life, and before she came across this site to help her and give her the tools she needed to conquer squalor. Like I said before, I believe salmon did the best she could under the circumstances and as the person she was at that time. Now, the situation would probably be handled differently, but you do what you can do at the time you're doing it, if that makes sense. And salmon did say that she would do it differently were it to happen now: And, as has been thought, it could have been an unconscious cry for help, since not many hoarders/squalorers will just let someone into their house while they're away. It could have not been as well, but it certainly does come across that way. "You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better." |
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salmon
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Post by salmon on Jan 17, 2010 16:12:15 GMT -5
Thanks illuminata for putting it in perspective.
Struggling with my own squalor and shame and reading about the struggles of others on this messageboard brought this episode in my life to mind. I am a renter, and I am vulnerable too. I'm sure there are people who identify with the person I reported when they read this post. I identify with her too.
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Post by illuminata on Jan 17, 2010 16:35:09 GMT -5
I think we can all identify with the lady in the apartment, because I believe we've all been there or are there. We worry about "somebody" finding out and what might happen should that come about. We worry about being ostracized or shunned or made fun of or being in trouble with some nameless someone who could make our lives miserable. I just hope that you can take this situation and learn something from it as you move on from it. You know what it feels like to be a squalorer, so you know the feelings she must have been dealing with. So, I think you already have learned something...empathy. Wish there was more of that in the world. Don't carry around this emotional squalor. Do with it what you'd do with a sandwich that has ingredients that you don't particularly like...take the good, ingest it, and throw the yucky parts away.  |
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