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Post by momof3boys on Jan 23, 2010 8:46:22 GMT -5
 I don't know where to start really. I'm just tired of being the one who goes around having to pick up after everyone and everything.  It is emotionally draining just to even think of it.  Just because I'm not working outside the home right now does not mean I should have to do all of the housework and picking up. I believe my husband is a hoarder to some degree. I had started cleaning out the van but kept finding stuff he brought home from work. I asked him where should I put it and he wanted me to leave it in the van. It's stuff he may never use. Cans of paint, etc, tools, etc. I find it very embarrasing to open the van door and be confronted with all his crap. I gave up on the van. I can't so easily give up on the apartment though. Is anyone else in this situation?
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Post by Chris on Jan 23, 2010 10:28:35 GMT -5
Hi again  I used to feel like you described. I feel like it has changed so much since I started really doing what I considered "my part" and doing my best to ignor or work around my husbands part in it. That being said - however, what worked for us and still works is having separate spaces. He has his own office, his own closet and his own dresser. We don't attempt to share those type spaces. When we didn't have separate offices we still maintained separate desks. He has the truck I have the van. He has specific spaces that he can store and keep his things his way = and I have mine. What I realized was that he was often seeing how neat I had become (I didn't start that way) and he seemed inspired by it -- not at the pace I'd like and oh let me tell you -- he also brought home things from work. Retirement makes that better but just the other day he found a discarded computer desk (not in horrible shape acutally) and brought that home bringing the desk total up to 4 desks and a sewing table for 2 people.  But it helped me so much to just realize we are different. And have separate spaces. In my case I long ago accepted that laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning, cooking -- if I don't do it it won't get done. It's one reason I've chosen to stay home although most our married life I worked at least 20 to 30 hours a week. I try very hard to keep things very simple -- not having too much clothing and keeping up with the daily maintenance of dishes and laundry helps. The more clutter I get rid of the easier it becomes to maintain what we do have. It's different when you have kids but they can also become helpers as they get bigger -- they can learn. My son had a dad that never did anything housework wise but my daughterinlaw has already thanked me for the job I did raising my son because he does share in every chore -- cooking, diapering, bathing the kids, cleaning, laundry you name it. I'm proud that he is going to break that cycle -- my dad and husband were old school about it. But not my boy. I had him doing stuff from a young age so he didn't balk it as much he got older. There is hope. You only have to do your part (or whatever you can't stand to see not done). Make things as simple as you can and trim down the volume of stuff and it will be easier!!!! Good luck!!!! |
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Post by missjean on Jan 23, 2010 10:53:09 GMT -5
I had a somewhat similar situation living with one of my brothers. I was the "messy" one when, in truth, I was the one who kept the shared areas clean. My mess was in the bedroom, which he (and mortifyingly, his guests) went in to use my computer.
I agree with Chris. Set some borders and figure out what space is his/hers/ours.
I wish I'd known that before. All my brother's mess was in a storage closet, out of sight of visitors. If we'd divided that closet in half, my bedroom mess would have decreased and he'd have been forced to deal to with his hoarding issues. (Which he did when he moved out.)
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Jan 23, 2010 11:10:27 GMT -5
I was always a neat kid, my room was always clean, I never had trouble throwing things away. I had my own apartment for 10 years, lived alone. kept it always neat and clean. Once a week I cleaned everything, even washing my telephone. The I got married to a messy guy and we bought a house and had two kids. Messy Guy and the kids were a handful, but for several years I was able to keep up with them and maintain a nice clean organized home. Then in 2001 I had a health crisis, spent a month in the hospital and literally "gave up" the fight. Oh, I'd make some progress on the occasional three day weekend, but the house got more and more cluttered. I took antidepressants for a while but weaned myself off them. Now nobody notices or appreciates that I prepare good meals, keep plenty of food on hand, keep up with the laundry. nobody notices I keep a fresh supply of towels in the bathroom or that I mop the kitchen floor every morning. I feel just like Cinderella. Where's my Fairy Godmother? essy uy and
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Post by charis on Jan 23, 2010 11:14:14 GMT -5
I think division of labor is fine, as long as the people aren't coerced into their roles. If my husband was not working and I was working full time, I would expect him to take care of the household with only an occasional hand from me. I work seasonally, and take up all of the housework when not working.
I also think that the homemaker is the homemaker, not a personal servant. He or she runs things for the comfort and convenience of everyone, including himself/herself.
Other members of the household should not exploit the housekeeper. People should pick up after themselves and not make extra work.
Just as spending money recklessly on useless stuff is disrespectful of the labor and time it takes the breadwinner to earn the money, tossing stuff on the floor and expecting the housekeeper to work around it is disrespectful of the housekeeper's labor
Of course, if you have very small children, many children, sick children, care for an elderly loved one, or other time-consuming extra duties, all bets are off and the outside worker will have to help redress the balance of labor.
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jennmommi
New Member
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 91
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Post by jennmommi on Jan 23, 2010 11:22:08 GMT -5
I know how you feel I HATE cleaning because as soon as something is relatively clean the rest of the house has been trashed. No one helps clean on a regular basis, but no one has trouble contributing to the mess either. I DO work full time outside the home and I go to school. I can never keep up but who can when there are 5 people and 3 pets adding to the mess and one person attempting to clean in the spare time that doesn't actually exist.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jan 23, 2010 15:16:27 GMT -5
I understand.
Perhaps you can make more headway by approaching it differently. Does your DH want the house neater? If so, then you're halfway there: your disagreement is about HOW to do it, instead of WHETHER to do it.
Perhaps a bin or box for each family member? You could put everything that's out of place in the appropriate box, then set a timer for everyone to put their stuff away. If there's too much stuff to fit in the box, something "disappears," to be returned at YOUR discretion. Nothing in someone's box? A reward for them.
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Post by Buried-in-books on Jan 23, 2010 19:56:51 GMT -5
hmmm I think I saw this in another thread - take his stuff and dump it in 'his' space to deal with? Does he have a shed or space that he considers his - if you have kids - tell him you need the van clear for taking the kids around safely (and maybe not wanting cans of paint in the van) and he needs to find a proper place for his collection?
Hard for me to answer this as I am in the middle of a "who decides these things?" conversations as well. For instance - I don't feel the need to eat a 'dinner' every night. BF is a diabetic and now does the "I HAVE to eat by this time and real food". If I do not plan, shop and prepare - he will wait and come to me at 6:45 and ask - are we going to eat dinner tonight? He does the dishes and trash since I threw a fit about him doing something. IN our case - I work and he doesn't.
Don't give up on the apartment - I went on strike after some major life issues - no one picked up the slack - I'm having to now. UGH. Focus on what you need and set some reasonable boundaries.
gee - that almost sounded like I knew something... trust me I don't. Listen to the others.
MizS
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