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Post by flylady on Jan 24, 2010 8:08:26 GMT -5
Hi I was wondering if anyone has every recovered from bad squalor and maintained and NOT slipped back? I am at a bad place right now and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need some encouragement and some positive recovery stories. I have spent hours cleaning and you can't even see a dent, in fact I think it looks so much worse! I want a nice happy life full of friends and happiness, and I can't even let anyone in my home. I am trying to help myself by not buying anything except essentials, but I am embarrassed to admit I had to buy the kids a 10 pack of underpants each as I can't find the underpants they do have  , so I essentially brought more STUFF in my house that I don't need, spending money I should not of, and to top it off DH might not have a job at the end of the week. This squalor makes me snappy and mean and horrible at times! Thanks for letting me vent |
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Post by carolinastomper on Jan 24, 2010 8:47:23 GMT -5
Flylady, I have not yet recovered from bad squalor, but I wanted to let you know I understand exactly where you are coming from. Your post sounds like I could have written it myself, right down to having to buy new underpants for my kids. We just have to stay the course one baby step at a time. And yes, I do think it looks worse sometimes during the process: doesn't that make it hard to keep going? I think its kind of like working at particularly bad knot in a shoelace. Just when you think you'll never get it out you find the right spot and it all untangles. Or like a hike up a mountain, dont look up just take one step at a time and just when you think you cant go anymore, you're at the top and get wowed by the view. And I envision the house struggle that way. :-XI believe you can conquer yours and I believe I can conquer mine. We CAN do this. I know you wanted a success story, and I know there are some here, but when I saw your post I just wanted to respond.  Carolinastomper |
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eternal
New Member
Joined: September 2008
Posts: 57 
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Post by eternal on Jan 24, 2010 9:29:19 GMT -5
I have read about people here recovering, so I know it happens. I haven't yet, but I know I can get there, even if it's very slowly, with lots of slipping and sliding! I know that if I look back I can think of a time when the house was worse than it is now, so I must have moved forward. If you can remember any time when things were worse than they are today, then you have got somewhere already.
The kids' underpants were essentials, because they needed underpants and you didn't have them available. Sometimes I think you just have to do what you can to get by and live a normalish life until you've got to where you want to be. You can't put your life on hold until the house is tidy (that is something I'm guilty of, sometimes).
I have bought countless socks and underpants over the years. They were needed at the time. As I gradually get to grips with the house, I've unearthed the lost ones. My goodness! You've never seen so many socks! I spent a lot of time just on socks - washing them, sorting them, throwing some away. But when they were lost, I did need to buy new ones, because we couldn't have managed with no socks.
I often find that I've done hours of work and haven't made a dent. Or so it seems. That's one of the worst things about desqualoring. But all it means is that the work doesn't show - this time. You've put in the groundwork which will help you on the next round of cleaning/sorting/tidying. Or the next round after that.
If you're feeling that way a lot, then what I would do is pick something small where I could make a visual difference. Some small surface that I can clear and clean. It might be my bedside table, for instance, or it might only be a small part of my bedside table. It could be a bit of floorspace, and it might just mean moving things to pile on top of clutter somewhere else. It might be moving things so that a door can open. It doesn't matter as long as it's something that I can see looks like progress.
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Post by moggyfan on Jan 24, 2010 9:47:34 GMT -5
Yes! In December of 2004, I decided that the 5'-high mountain of filthy laundry had to go; that was the beginning. By the next December, the squalor was gone and the house was basically clean and uncluttered. In the ensuing 4+ years, I've maintained and also painted and decorated. I've not had any relapse**. And it was bad in here. I've been a squalorer all my adult life so no one is more surprised than I am. However, I will hasten to say that I live alone (well, there's Spitty-the-Kitty, but he's not very messy :-) ) and do not have the challenges that children pose as they go about their untidy lives,  . That poses another whole degree of difficulty. But here's the thing: Don't despair! Everything you are doing IS bringing you forward, even if you cannot yet see the change. Every drawer or shelf cleared is territory gained in the battle, because it gives you a place to put the stuff you need. I finally came to understand that a large part of the reason for my mess was that I had too much useless stuff occupying drawers, shelves & cupboards, so that the stuff I used and needed had nowhere to go except all over every available surface (and floor) in the house. Anyway. you WILL get there. The path may be slowing and winding, with some switchbacks, but it will lead you out of the mess. **ETA: I don't mean everything is perfect all the time! I do have occasional dirty dishes left in the sink, messy computer desk, unmade bed, etc. But it's nothing I can't clean up in an hour or so (and I do). What I mean to say is, I have not relapsed into anything near what I'd call "squalor" like I had for so many years. |
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Post by zen on Jan 24, 2010 13:31:20 GMT -5
Great responses! I agree wholeheartedly that this is all a process that takes time, energy, and constant recallibration of one's focus. I wouldn't say I am where I want to be, but I have made massive strides over the last years - 21 years ago I was the butt of jokes and mired in shame about the way I chose to live. I have spent the last 15 years or so letting go of stuff - and the last year and a half REALLY looking at what I surrounded myself with - it probably would have moved a lot more quickly if I had found this site to be honest.
Yes it can be done, and yes we can recover - it just takes time and the right mindset to get there. Honestly, after being so engaged in the process for so long, I am not sure there ever really is a finish line, it's just the process, and the act of making changes that over time become cumulative to show results.
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Post by Script on Jan 24, 2010 13:35:46 GMT -5
i have made incredible progress, especially in SEEING what needs to be done and finding a way to do it. however, it has not been easy, and i have relapses.
one thing i must add: do not give up hope. please: while you are still alive and breathing: THERE IS HOPE~
xxoo
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Post by yearning4order on Jan 24, 2010 14:02:14 GMT -5
I would also say don't give up hope--if you read the stories on the original site they are very inspiring. For me I worry less about "omg can I do this for the rest of my life?" and just focus on this one day. My bedroom has been clean for over a month now, the kitchen has been squalor free for over 6 months, the living room has been squalor free for about the same time. I still struggle to maintain the bathroom, however it is not in the state of squalor when I started all of this. There are some rooms I have more of a challenge with, but it's a work in progress.
There are no goat paths in the house today. There is no rotting food in the sink. The mice are gone (although I do live in an area that is like "country in the city" so they could certainly come in at any time), and the food moth population has been decimated.
One thing that has been very important for me is being encouraged to start where ever I can, and to actually do what I "want" to do. At first, that "want" was very hard to define because I'd had a lifetime of being shamed and punished and berated for my inability to clean, keep things clean, etc. So being able to identify where I wanted to start first and then coming up with a plan of movement through the house (which was just my way, your way may be entirely different) and then seeing that 5, 10 and 15 minutes of any effort all added up to produce clean rooms.
One thing to note--now when I start to desqualor/declutter I have to be very careful with myself because initially it looks really messy. Some very good friends told me that cleaning is messy, and when we start to clean something it will look a bit crazy at first. That really helped. So if your house looks messier when you clean you might be doing it right!!!
Yesterday, although I had laundry to fold and "should" have cleaned the kitchen, I decided to finally take a stab at desqualoring the porch--the sun was out, it wasn't raining. Maybe I didn't do it "right", but I did it well enough and now I have a back porch I can sit on. No more goat paths out there either!!!! I folded the laundry last night while watching a movie, and the dishes will get done today.
I spent my entire life squaloring, and at 41, on a day by day basis I have hope today. I have less of the "you should do this..." and other negative self talk because of the help I received here. My house isn't Martha Stewart immaculate, and maybe it never will be (and honestly, I want a house my child can "live" in, not a display home), but I can invite people in without fear today. I've had 5 repair people come into this house since I've desqualored, and I've freely invited my landlord in too! I couldn't do that a year ago!
So yes, there is hope. It's all little baby steps. Be gentle with yourself. If you are like the rest of us, chances are you may be living with things like depression, possibly hoarding (but not necessarily), and very likely a lifetime of being berated for squalor to the point where you have one or more "beraters" active in your head.
You really aren't your mess. We know that. Just start with one piece of trash, and then congratulate yourself!! Please be sure to come into chat--it's a bit chaotic with all the conversations going on, but we would love to cheer you for your efforts. It made such a huge difference for me!
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Post by Chris on Jan 24, 2010 14:47:46 GMT -5
I just wanted to make a general comment about recovery. Recovery from anything is normally not a straight upward arrow. It is normally a zig zaggy but moving in the forward and better direction. I've also seen it illustrated as a spiral upward. This is just to say that it's normal for recovery to include some slips. In weight loss they generally say 5 years maintaining indicates a true change. I don't let this discourage me I just remember that if I slip up with my squalor or my eating or my codependency or anything else the important thing is to get back on track and move forward again. It helps me to know the experts consider it normal to have some ups and downs along the road in recovery.
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Post by Rory on Jan 24, 2010 17:23:48 GMT -5
For me it is one day at a time and I am always aware as to how easy and how quickly I could and sometimes can slip back. It has been twenty years since I started to work on the issue and only last year when things became clearer.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Jan 24, 2010 17:25:17 GMT -5
Setting up a question with "ever" in it means there won't be an answer until everybody's dead! I mean, what does "ever" mean? Even cancer survival has a time line included. Maybe we could use that - 5 years.
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Jan 25, 2010 0:33:40 GMT -5
yes. sort of. (will add more soon.)
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Post by illuminata on Jan 25, 2010 1:57:26 GMT -5
I make a decision every single day: "I will not be what I was before." Period.
As referenced on the SS site, I was at level 4 squalor. Now, depending on the day and my activity level, I hover anywhere between a zero and a level 1, which I think is *gasp* normal for most people. A HUGE adjustment, and one I am still getting my head around.
It is a decision I make every day, because while I whupped the mess I didn't whup me. Inside me, I'm still that demand-resistant-ADD-PTSD-OCD-PMSing-stubborn procrastinator that I've always been, so I have to make myself do things I don't want to do to keep things going. I don't know if I'll ever be any better, but maybe I can become more disciplined...or at least I can try to make new habits. Recovered? I doubt if I have because I know if I don't keep an eye on myself, I will slip back into old habits.
Had the house not been cleaned up, we would have died. It is just that simple. And it is the knowledge that I put my family in such great danger that keeps me going when I really don't feel like putting up those clothes or picking up the junk off the floor. But if I focus too far ahead, I get too overwhelmed. I try to just think of today, perhaps tomorrow, but no farther (as far as getting a handle on this whole squalor thing goes). And I cannot even begin to thank the people here who helped me along the way, because without them I never would have been able to even start.
My advice: Don't get so focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Focus instead on staying on the rails. No matter how slow you chug along, and no matter how dark it gets, if you just stay on the rails, you eventually find your way out. Guaranteed.
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Post by yearning4order on Jan 25, 2010 3:27:07 GMT -5
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Post by clutterfree on Jan 25, 2010 5:14:37 GMT -5
The responses in this thread are fantastic!
I did want to add that just like clutter means something different for everyone (some need a totally clear counter for it to be clutter-free, some need it to be neat enough and to work for them, etc.) that I think maintenance means a little something different to everyone, too.
While sometimes it's obvious when the state isn't maintained, like it goes back to a level 3 or a serious 2, there are other times that I think we tell ourselves OMG I'VE RELAPSED when we haven't at all. I struggled with this and am only lately starting to "get" it.
My house gets messy. But so does Susie Homemaker's down the street, at least sometimes. I don't think there are very many people whose houses never get a little bit too much lived in that they'd need to do a little straightening before company dropped in. I think that's just life.
But because we've been to the mountain, so to speak, it's easy to think that a bit of clutter that accumulated during the week that would require a little cleaning before we're comfortable with company signifies something horrible about ourselves and our ability to maintain. It doesn't. This is how most people live. We just tend to be all or nothing.
I consider myself in maintenance from the time I desqualored. Has my house stayed looking exactly the way it did the moment I finished? Oh, hell no. But it's still squalor-free. Does it get messy? oh, you bet! Sometimes a lot. We live here.
But there's never a time when I can't get it spiffed up in a flash to where I feel comfortable having repairmen, company, etc. It's not crisis cleaning--it's just normal cleaning. It's just messy in the way life gets messy sometimes. That happens to almost EVERYBODY. When you go to someone's home, for the most part, you're seeing it AFTER the spiff-up that they do on a Saturday or before company, or whatever.
I know for the longest time that any little pile or mess made me feel like a sudden failure for backsliding. But it's not true. We create messes by living. If i'm super busy with work or somethign, I truly might not have time to to do everything everyday to keep it clean. That's really okay.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Jan 25, 2010 9:13:19 GMT -5
wow, lots of great words here. i am a work i progress. most things are better here, but it's often hard to tell, . however in my mind things are progressing much quicker. i feel like i have almost conquered many of my hoarding tendencies purely as a result of the amazing people here. for me it will be a year on the 22nd of this month since i stumbled across this site. and i thought if improvement were possible it would have all been done by now. alas that was not the case for me but i no longer have a room of doom, we can see the floor in the laundry, (most of the time), and the kitchen is sorted almost every day. however bathrooms aren't cleaned as often as possible and youngest daughter, and my own bedrooms are a huge mess. you can do this fly lady. if i remember correctly you are also from the land down under. feel free to pm if ever you feel like a chat. i am happy to call you if you prefer to talk. hugs to you, and chin up. xxx |
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