sloth
New Member
Joined: July 2009
Posts: 6
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Post by sloth on Feb 9, 2010 18:28:19 GMT -5
Hello fellow squalid, recovering squalid or maintaining ex-squalid people I am severely depressed and wanted to vent. Sorry if there is a vent here and I just couldn't find it. I last posted August and had a deadline - brother to stay. My DH and I went without sleep for 2 days solid and flat looked beautiful, albeit with 20 odd boxes of crap hidden in the loft. Plan was I intended doing 1 box a day and all order then restored. Famous last words, that didn't happen but i did have a clean flat. We promised never to let it get like that again but it was me doing the maintaining all of September. I then got sick for 2 weeks and it just snowballed from there. 6 months later we are back where we started. No rotting food, animal faeces or such like on floor but you cannot see the floors, step over the mess, no playdates for my DD, no repairmen metermen allowed in and complete panic re forthcoming visits or being 'found out'. I was angry at DH for assuming I would rectify situation for the 100th time in our 13 year relationship and effectively went on strike. Not very clever was it? I was just angry and miserable and resentful. Then 2 weeks ago i broke my wrist and sprained the other one I now am trying to pick up ten items at a time but feel like i am shovelling snow whilst it's still snowing, it's -13 where I am and I am cold sad pathetic and in pain. DH says he will do the kitchen and bathroom but has said this now 3x and clearly has no intention or he is just as depressed and demotivated. Cast is on for another 4 weeks if i don't need a screw put in. Thank you for letting me vent. Anyone who has similar experiences advice or anecdotes to cheer me up I would love to hear from you... love sloth xxx
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Post by Arid on Feb 9, 2010 19:08:20 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear about your wrists!!! That must be SO frustrating, as well as painful!
This may not be the kind of advice that you want, but here goes, anyway. . .
At an opportune time, say to your DH, "Come into the bathroom with me, please. I need your help in there." THEN, stand there with him and kindly direct him in WHAT you want him to do, and HOW you want him to do it.
For example, Step #1 might be to clean the bathroom mirror. I use a paper towel and a glass cleaner that I squirt onto the mirror. I also have a particular pair of latex gloves that I use for this job--I can't STAND to get cleaners on my skin!!! I spritz some cleaner on the mirror; then, I IMMEDIATELY wipe off the cleaner with the paper towel. It doesn't leave any streaks this way. I often do a quick "wipe around" the toilet between the seat and the tank before I discard this paper towel.
Step #2--clean the bathroom sink. I happen to use the "Scrubbing Bubbles" stuff. Again, I wear the gloves, and I wipe down the sink (inside AND out--i. e. the counter around the sink) with a wet pad. This is the kind of pad that is a sponge on one side and a non-scratch scrubber on the other. After I've cleaned the sink with the pad, I rinse off the sink and counter with plain water. Then, I dry it all off with a paper towel. This leaves a nice, shiny, clean-looking surface.
That might be enough to have him do at one time. You can teach him how to clean the toilet another day! Then, there is the shower/tub, the floor, etc.
Good luck; I hope that you make a speedy recovery.
Arid
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Post by Evelyn on Feb 9, 2010 19:37:13 GMT -5
Oh, you poor thing! What a big ol' stinkin' drag. Please make your first priority taking care of yourself and giving your wrists the rest they need to heal properly. The clutter will (sadly) still be there when the cast comes off, and men are very difficult to change once they're out of diapers/nappies; but you only ever get two wrists in this lifetime, and you need one for each side. Over the years, I've broken one wrist, two fingers, both ankles and a toe; and sprained (& re-sprained) all of the above. You just have to wait for the fractures, and wait for and baby the sprains. It helps to eat healthy, do any exercises the doctor recommends, and not use anything sharper than a wooden ruler to scratch inside the cast when talcum powder doesn't help the itching. In the meantime, I've always wondered about this - If you shovel snow while it's still snowing, doesn't that mean there'll be that much less snow there to shovel once the snowing stops? (As long as there's not snow's not drifting in from somewhere else, anyway. I guess I'd suggest figuring out what you can do (pick up 5 things at time, or even 3, or 1; play soccer/football to dribble any largish clutter items to as near their destination as possible; "skate" on dry paper towels to sweep a hard floor and (carefully!) on damp ones to mop it); and what DD might be able to do (pick up/help sort her own clothes & toys under Mommy's supervison, maybe even play "help Mommy tidy" for 5-15 minutes at go). To tackle DH, it might help to make very specific requests with tangible deadlines: "Could you do me a favor and get the dishwasher emptied and a new load of dishes going tonight after dinner?" "I just can't handle the garbage bags until my wrists heal - would you take them out the curb tonight before bed/the next time you leave the house/during the next commercial break?" No, you shouldn't have be so darned nice & polite, and you shouldn't even have to ask. But it's more likely to work than doing all that you should have to do, which is waiting expectantly for him to keep his promises. What does work isn't always what should work - especially with men & housework. And even if none of above is helpful, this might at least make you smile - Men - you can't live with 'em, and burying them in the basement eventually just adds to the squalor.
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Post by messymimi on Feb 9, 2010 20:05:58 GMT -5
Sometimes it just feels like everything is two steps forward and 3 steps back.
But you have not gone back as far as you might have, no matter how it seems. There is no nasty filth all over, so this slide back is not as far as your overwhelmed feelings are telling you.
The mountain is not unconquerable. You might have to go very slowly for a while, but it can be done.
One suggestion for dealing with physical limitations is found in this thread: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=4916
Your husband is as overwhelmed as you are; he is looking at these huge jobs and knows he can't do it all at once so he gives up before he begins because it is just too much. Help him by asking him to do one small thing at a time, and praising him when he completes each task. Do the same for yourself -- break your jobs down into smaller, more manageable portions, and celebrate each one done as a victory.
For all of those boxes you were supposed to go through but didn't get to, if you have not needed what was in them for months, can you just toss them out unopened? You haven't missed them, there is the possibility that you never will.
Remember whatever you decide to do with the boxes, you have amnesty. You do not have to recycle/repurpose/compost/donate/give to the perfect person/etc. You have amnesty to just toss, and get your home in order, and learn some maintenance, and then you can set up a recycling and donating system if you want. You will be able to handle the amounts by that time, it won't be overwhelming.
Please feel free to vent again any time you need to, and if none of this advice is what will work for you, that's okay. Your way may be totally different, but you will find your way, the one that works for you.
I hope you don't need that screw put in, and that you recover quickly.
messymimi
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Post by lostagain on Feb 9, 2010 23:15:28 GMT -5
Hello there - so sorry to hear about your wrists! I broke my wrist when i was a child - it is frustrating. I broke my ankle about a year and a half ago, and did have to get a pin in. I guess I mostly want to say do WHATEVER the doctor suggests. If your dr. says - no picking up anything over 5 pounds - FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. As we get older, sadly, bouncing back from a broken bone is much tougher - I don't know how old you are but my doc told me that pretty much after age 20 it gets harder...
I agree with the other smart folks who say it is helpful to tell someone (husband, kiddo, whoever...) exactly what you want them to do. Instead of saying "please clean up the kitchen" say "please load and run the dishwasher" "please sweep the floor' - whatever.
Then tell them it looks great when it is finished - even if its not "exactly" how you'd do it. Hope you are feeling better soon!! xo
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Feb 10, 2010 9:03:43 GMT -5
And I have the nerve to complain. I'm sitting here at my computer, able to walk and move and use both hands.
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