kathysmith
New Member
Joined: January 2010
Posts: 15
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Post by kathysmith on Mar 8, 2010 21:07:47 GMT -5
Get the book, "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" Restrict where they can play, this room, not that one. Restrict what's out for them to get their hands on in the room it's ok to play in. In other words, make your home more kid safe, and have kid zones, and adult zones. Take all the toys, divide into three piles, leave one out, put the other two in two garbage bags. Hide the two garbage bags for a week. After a week, rotate, hide the ones they've been playing with, let them have a bag you hid away. It will all be new again, & they will be less bored. Plan things they can do with you, so they are under your watchful eye. If you have a friend with kids similar ages, make a plan to help each other. Take turns cleaning each others houses, and let the kids play together while you work. Make yourself a cup of tea, relax  Tell your hubby you need help. |
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Post by mellowyellow on Mar 8, 2010 21:47:56 GMT -5
Still thinking about you. Hope things are going well in preparation for your holy times.
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Post by Butterfly on Mar 9, 2010 0:34:28 GMT -5
Lots of great advice in this post: ...Take all the toys, divide into three piles, leave one out, put the other two in two garbage bags. Hide the two garbage bags for a week. After a week, rotate, hide the ones they've been playing with, let them have a bag you hid away... But, I'd suggest, if you use the garbage bags for storage, that you make SURE everyone knows they shouldn't be thrown away AND that you put them some where they're not likely to be mistaken for actual garbage.  Perhaps a couple of opaque storage bins would be safer? |
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Post by CaringFriend on Mar 9, 2010 1:14:45 GMT -5
Plan things they can do with you, so they are under your watchful eye. All of Kathy's advice was right on target!!! "This is where you may play and here are your toys." Dishpans are super for storing like toys with like. "Let's pick up all of the books and put them in the yellow bin." Etc. There would be no markers in the play area. Frankly, they shoudn't be anywhere within a child's reach. But the quote above which I took from Kathy's post is one that I was thinking of as well. When I first read your post, I immediately thought how much fun little feather dusters would be for your kids! They will think they are playing as you dust each room together. Toddlers can even help sort the laundry. The youngest gets the most basic task, "Put all of the towels in this pile. Put the washcloths in this pile." Then show your other little ones how to fold washcloths. You can fold the towels. Another basic sort - "Put all of the undershorts in this pile. Put all of the undershirts in this pile." Another child can sort the undershirt pile into Daddy's pile and the kids' pile. You can sort through the kids' pile, making a pile of each child's undershirts. Show the other child how to fold them. Let them each fold a pile while you fold DH's shirts. Do the same with the undershorts. Sure, it will be chaotic in the beginning and yes, it would be much easier to do it yourself. But it will get easier each time. The advantages are that you are spending time with your children, you know where they are, AND they are occupied. Most importantly you are teaching them the beginning steps of tasks they will need to learn so that they can grow into independent, responsible adults. Even ask them what they would like to help Mommy with. Good luck and let us know how things are coming along.  |
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Post by littleengine on Mar 9, 2010 13:47:59 GMT -5
Thanks for all your ideas, guys! :-) Per your suggestion, I've been watching hours and hours of Supernanny, and WHOA!!! My kids look like angels next to most of the kids on those shows. It's kind of unbelievable how out of control some of those kids are, and how wimpy most of those parents are...so I'm feeling waaay better about my parenting skills. :-)
I tried out Supernanny's "naughty spot" idea and it worked very well. Much better than time out in their room, which is what I've always done before. I also liked her family rules and family routine...I haven't done that yet but hope to have time for that soon.
Someone here suggested Waldorf ideas about directing kids' movement nonverbally, & that was great. Very very true and doable.
The suggestions here about sorting their toys into groups and rotating, etc., etc., are also really good, but I don't think I can implement them right now. Definitely something to try after Passover.
I'm feeling stressed by all the cleaning, but not angry at my kids anymore. :-) I'm making mini-goals for myself and hopefully that will help....
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Post by Mrs Hen on Mar 9, 2010 13:49:37 GMT -5
I have lots of kids, stepkids, foster kids, and I've run a home daycare in the past, so I know kids, and stress, and the awful contagiousness of bad behavior.
There is something that will work MIRACLES for you. It's never failed anyone I've ever taught it to.
Catch your kids doing something good. Walk around with M&M's or something little like that in your pocket. Stickers work, too, but candy has good reinforcing powers with kids, a candy reward sticks in their brains better.
Set your timer for random times, at first it must be often, every 5 to 10 minutes, after that you can spread it out, but no longer than 15 or 20 minutes. You can decide to only play for 30 minutes to a couple hours at a time, but you must announce it - "I'm playing the 'be good' game for the next hour'.
When the timer rings you run around the house like a nut, I used to make fire engine sounds like I was on my way to an emergency. I'd run up to each kid and ask 'are you the one being good?' and if they were, give them a candy, and if they weren't, run off to another. If they were good, I'd say what they were doing that was good, if they weren't, I'd say what they were doing wrong, but in a really nice way. 'Oh, you're leaving toys all over the floor, that's not good, but maybe the next time the bell rings you'll have them picked up'
For this to work your goal has to be for all kids to be good 3 out of 4 times. Less than that they think it's hopeless and begin ignoring you, 4 out of 4 convinces them you have no standards and they have nothing to change, they just have to hang out and wait for your PMS to go away.
There is research in all sorts of places showing this works. It's very hard to do at first, it wastes huge amounts of time, but it does pay off.
And later on you'll find that just hearing the timer and your 'whoop, whoop, whoop' noise will get them all looking around for stuff to do quick so they look 'good'.
You must use a timer or other noise source. It has to look like you have no control over the timing. You can fudge a little, if someone misses a turn and then tries to fix the mess right away, have another alarm 3 minutes later. Just don't do that very often, or they figure it out. If they think you pick when the reward is, they'll be whining and following you around telling you 'I flushed the toilet, is that good? I blew my nose, is that good? I picked up 3 blocks, is that good?' and you'll be forced to tape their mouths shut.
When I have to clean I announce we're playing the 'good' game. The kids focus on behaving, and I set the timer for 10 or 15 minute tasks, I clean the kitchen for 15 minutes and then pass out rewards. It keeps both of us going. And they really get happy about this, kids love to win parents praise.
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Post by shopgirl on Mar 9, 2010 14:47:15 GMT -5
When I was a kid, I was only allowed to play with my toys in my room. All the children in the neighborhood had the same rule. You never walked into a house and saw toys in the living rooms. This was in the 1960s. And believe me, we all had a LOT of toys.
Now that families are tethered to their TVs, kids can bring their toys out to living rooms and family rooms and mess up the whole house. Maybe restricting the toys to their own rooms would work for you? It sure worked for my mom and all the moms in my neighborhood!
Glad that you've discovered Supernanny. She's brilliant! With simple, firm, consistent solutions. Best to you for a happy Passover.
P.S. My grandma let me play with toys in her living room and dining room, which made visiting grandma really fun and special. But I had to pick up all the toys and put them away each night before bed when I stayed at her house. Without fail!
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Post by mellowyellow on Mar 9, 2010 17:23:56 GMT -5
Talk about a great job, Little Engine. Things seem to be going along really well. I applaud your proactive stance. It's so nice to see parents who are not afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help, and then who are willing to try new things and change their routines. I am going to check out those on-line episodes myself. I have been thinking a lot about it. I would love to do a show like that. I really relate to her sense of keeping kids interested and excited, while at the same time setting clear guidelines and modeling expectations. A skeleton of structure to give all the skin and "good stuff" of life something solid to hang onto. P.S. A good way to keep toys in check.. Give each child a small rollable vinyl mat or carpet. It should be light enough for them to be able to carry it independently. They can use any toys that fit on that mat. I recommend a bin with a handle. They can carry the mat in one hand and the bin in the other. They can bring the mat to any room that is acceptable in the house, but when they are finished, the toys have to be put away, and the mat rolled up again. You can even use that when you visit other families. The child brings the mat and a bin of toys, and they know that they are expected to stay within that magical mat, even if they are in an unfamiliar home. It gives them a sense of stability especially if they are nervous or scared of going to see someone new. |
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Post by def6 on Mar 9, 2010 20:31:41 GMT -5
I respect your honesty! Most of us would have severely edited ourselves from that first post. I have had the same difficulties myself with kids, behavior and messes. (and husbands thoughtful of all others, all others besides me.) I have also found that some things that work for others don't necessarily work for me. We all have our own personalities and preferences on doing things. Sometimes working in all of supernannie's antics like "the naughty spot" just doesn't cut it for me. Sometimes we need to just realize that we acted up as kids and our kids are going to act up too at times. Just remember, these children are yours, just love them and let them grow up first and for most with love all of the rest will fall into place. Decide how you want to discipline them, set limits and don't forget to follow through with what you have decided is right for you. You will do the best job for your kids that anyone could ever do , 'cause they are yours.
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Post by Butterfly on Mar 9, 2010 23:52:02 GMT -5
... It's kind of unbelievable how out of control some of those kids are, and how wimpy most of those parents are... Isn't this the truth! I think the out of control kids act the way they do, as Jo usually points out, because of their parents' lack of parenting skills. There was one show I recently saw where this uber wimpy mom let her teenage wrestler son stand at the sink and scream at her. It was awful, but even worse was that the mom didn't do anything about it besides cry and feel sorry for herself. All I could think was that in another year or two, if she didn't get a grip, her son was going to be hitting her the way he was already hitting his wimp father and his siblings. And that, without any changes, he could well turn out to abuse his wife the way his mother had taught him to abuse her. I know my words are a harsh criticism, but this is how I feel. As a child abuse survivor, I despise child abuse in all forms and being too wimpy to teach and enforce good behavior in your kids is another form of child abuse, too. (And this doesn't even address how horrible it is to let your other children be victims of their sibling's physical abuse.) I well knew that there are parents who severely beat and abuse their children, but, before watching this show, I would have never guessed that there were mothers (and some fathers) who were that gutless. Thank G-d for Supernanny! I think all potential parents and childcare providers, especially those of us who might not have learned good skills in our own homes, should be REQUIRED to watch hours of her shows. ...I tried out Supernanny's "naughty spot" idea and it worked very well... This makes me so happy! As noted above, I think Jo's techniques, while deceptively simple, are, if applied consistently and correctly, wonderfully effective in correcting behavior without harming the child in any way. ...but not angry at my kids anymore... YAY!!! I am so impressed with you and your willingness to try something new. You are an inspiration! |
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Post by CaringFriend on Mar 10, 2010 0:56:11 GMT -5
Butterfly mentioned probably the most important word of all - consistently. No matter how tired, sick, pressed for time you are, you must act and react consistently each and every time. To do otherwise would confuse the children and they would soon learn that you "really didn't mean it."
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