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Post by littleengine on Mar 7, 2010 9:42:51 GMT -5
Warning: VENT.
I am a terrible mom. And my kids are awful. My kids have been taking each other's stuff, stickers and toys and all. One kid was taking candy from her preschool teacher, I just got a phone call Friday about that. Saturday my 3-year-old took 32 fruit rollups and stuffed them in his drawer, ate most of them. They were in the pantry in a giant Costco box, the rule is you're not allowed to take without asking. My kids take my scissors, pens, paper, lip balm, etc. like it's theirs, they don't ask, I tell them a million times you have to ask but they just don't. They are rude and disrespectful and scream a lot. Now my precious 1-year-old is picking up their whiny brat behavior. The final straw was today when my 3-year-old drew on my birth ball with marker while I was in the room. They are so awful and I feel like I hate them sometimes. I work so hard and they don't appreciate it at all. I cannot find a cleaning lady even though I desperately need one, all the good ones are not available the hours I need (morning). I have to rid the house of chametz for Passover (google it--it's a nightmare) which is in three weeks and the house is a wreck. My heart is racing all the time and I feel like I have to throw up. My husband should be home helping clean today but instead he's out helping a guy who needs work, nice but I really need him home and I feel like he puts everyone else first because he's Mr. Nice Guy and can't not help people, it's how he's made. I'm a total failure as a mother, I haven't taught my children good habits at all, they are awful little monsters. The toys I bought them this week they did not even bother to clean up, they were all over the floor, I took them away and won't let them play with them for a few days. They wake up screaming, I dread starting my day with them. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate my life.
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Post by littleengine on Mar 7, 2010 9:54:45 GMT -5
to clarify--Passover is not a nightmare, it's a wonderful holiday celebrating an incredible miracle G-d did for His people. it's the cleaning chametz thing that is looking like a nightmare to me right now
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Post by moggyfan on Mar 7, 2010 10:13:48 GMT -5
Oh, poor littleengine!! You sound like an overworked and exhausted mommy, with perfectly normal tiny tots who are driving you crazy right now! That seems to be the job of tiny tots, eh?
I've not had any of my own, so I can't swear to this, but I think taking candy or fruit roll-ups, eating them to the point of queasiness, and/or drawing on random important things with marker is just what their job in life is right now. I honestly doubt that 1 - 3 year-olds anywhere in the world are picking up their toys and saying, "Thanks, Mom, for teaching us such good habits!" This is all to say, your children are not terrible or awful (at least not any more so than all the others!), but they ARE driving you to the edge, which is probably where dad comes in, and I don't blame you at all for feeling that he should be there to help you!
I hope he'll stick around more if you ask him.
Also, God loves you and sees that you are doing your best. Whatever the tedious cleaning part of the holiday is, you just have to do your best with it and celebrate the miracle of the holiday.
I am sure God is not up there waiting to criticize a tired mom of small children who is doing her best!
Good vibes, littleengine!
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Post by mellowyellow on Mar 7, 2010 10:14:09 GMT -5
ETA: I'm rereading my reply and kind of cringing. Not because I don't believe what I wrote, but because I wonder if it will read the way I intend it to sound. I don't want to seem preachy or seem like I know it all, or even know most of it. I really don't. I just want to give you hope, and to say that it doesn't hurt to ask for help. And it doesn't matter if things are not working perfectly, and that there are people who are willing and eager to help you. We can give you ideas on here, but you need to find a "live and in person" friend or mentor to help you in your darker hours of frustration and tears. Sometimes it really blows me away to find who the people are who are willing to help when my life is going badly. ------- First of all, let me say that I don't have kids of my own. I only teach them. Big ones and little ones. Fourth/Fifth Grades and Kindergarten. And in the past, lots and lots of babies and pre-schoolers. I don't have a lot of advice to tell you now, but one thing stands out. I don't think your kids are awful, but maybe they are behaving awfully. And I don't think you are a terrible mom, but maybe you are mothering in a way that isn't working. Does that sound like I'm splitting hairs? No, I am serious. I just mean that you and your children are not awful or terrible or rotten or bratty. You and your children are acting a certain way, but it's not what you are, deep inside. It's just your actions. And yes, you need to change them, so they work for you and your family. I guess what I mean is that there is hope in this situation. Every person has the ability to change, and I want you to realize that hope. I wish I could come and help you. Really, like a "Nanny SOS" or SuperNanny. I've had to do that for friends. But the truth is that you have the power to change already within you. (Hmmm.. like that doesn't sound like a midnight info-mercial *sigh*... I do mean it though.) You probably know what is not working, and you just need to lay some guidelines and stick with them. *sigh* I hesitated to write this, and am even wondering if I should delete it. I know there's nothing worse than a person giving advice who is not in the direct situation. But I mean this with the most caring heart. Read, read, read about child management. It is not a talent that people are born having. They must learn about it, or see it modeled by others (parents, teachers, etc.) Take out all the child management books you can borrow from the library. Question your friends, neighbours, ask your childs' teachers, talk to strangers in the checkout line... Seriously... research ways you can try to fix this problem. Eventually, you might even have someone who offers to help you out. Maybe to model some of the ways that would work with your kids. It's just not enough for someone to say, "well if you were firm with the kids, you wouldn't have this problem." It's so much more complex than that, and unlearning habits and behaviours is not an easy task. You need some practical hands-on ideas, from someone who can show you in person. I wish you well, and please remember that you are not an awful mother. Just a mother who is desperate and wants to learn some new coping strategies that will make life more lovely.
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Post by Script on Mar 7, 2010 10:23:00 GMT -5
to clarify--Passover is not a nightmare, it's a wonderful holiday celebrating an incredible miracle G-d did for His people. it's the cleaning chametz thing that is looking like a nightmare to me right now I am not Jewish but I know quite a lot about your traditions (as a liberal Catholic with lots of friends of many denominations). If I were you right now, besides reading the very good advice posted here by others, I would find a way to HONOUR the spirit of passover (including the cleaning) without driving yourself crazy. I cannot and will not believe that the L*rd would be pleased to see your spirit broken, all in the name of those last few crumbs of bread. There are going to be lots of Passovers in your life. Sometimes people 'burn themselves out' with careful observances at the WRONG TIME, and then find Faith a burden and NOT a joyful gift. with love and respect
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Post by cando on Mar 7, 2010 11:19:38 GMT -5
I sent you a "pm". Luv, CD
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Post by success19 on Mar 7, 2010 13:07:39 GMT -5
Being a mom of lots of little ones is a really hard job. And a thankless one too! I only had one child - now grown - and was raising her alone after a divorce - and I often just sucked at it. I now watch Supernanny sometimes and see her wonderful ideas. Now my dd is grown and I know I spoiled her and let her take over at many times. You must find some time for yourself. If I had to do it over - I would have had less stuff too. Give yourself a hug and pat on the back!
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Post by littleengine on Mar 7, 2010 13:59:56 GMT -5
Thanks for your replies, everyone. :-) Life is looking better now--sorry about the vent. I'm kind of embarrassed to read it now! I felt like I was having a panic attack this morning, it was really awful, so I called this lady in my community who's very good at organization, and I burst into tears and told her I CAN'T DO THIS!! She spent over an hour on the phone with me, walking me through all the steps I need to do to get ready for Passover, and what shortcuts to take so it's not overwhelming. Feeling sooo much better. My kids are not really awful, they're normal, we just have to work on the whininess and the taking stuff issues, but overall they're good, sweet kids. I'm an okay mom, too. ;-) Sorry about the vent, but thanks for listening and responding--it's good to not feel so alone. :-)
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Post by moggyfan on Mar 7, 2010 14:04:43 GMT -5
I'm glad to see you feeling better! And never apologize for venting! It's what keeps us from throwing expensive dishware at the walls or smacking the people we love ;-)
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hollydayzd
New Member
Sure-fire way to cure that clutter problem!
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 94
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Post by hollydayzd on Mar 7, 2010 16:23:24 GMT -5
never apologize for venting! It's what keeps us from throwing expensive dishware at the walls or smacking the people we love ;-) Ain't it the truth!!! (You are really making me chuckle today! lolololol)Oh, and as a mom who survived a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old, and an infant (born right at Thanksgiving & the start of Christmas shopping/cooking/cleaning/wrapping/celebrating season), I sympathize greatly. There were many days I thought I just could not go on one more minute. After locking myself in the bathroom and crying a few times, I figured I'd try to infuse some humor into the situation. Whenever they had me on my last nerve, I'd just wail, "Calgon, take me away!" For some odd reason it always made the kids laugh & then I would laugh and somehow that just reset the whole situation. Even with a helpful husband, a mom of little ones is still going to bear the brunt of the load. And it's quite a load trying to civilize a bunch of wild savages (which is kinda how I viewed childrearing: like letting a pack of wild monkeys loose in the house). Try & make sure you get some time away to recharge every now and then because you need to keep up your strength for battle! ( !) And take heart ..... despite many mommy meltdowns & times I wasn't really proud of myself, I somehow kept up the fight & my monkeys are actual civilized human beings now. If I can do it, ANYONE can. ~ Good Luck & Hang In There, Baby! ~
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Post by Butterfly on Mar 7, 2010 21:46:42 GMT -5
I'm glad you're feeling better now. Pesach cleaning, for a messy like me, would be an incredible amount of stress to add into the life of a mother of several young children. So, I don't think you or your children are awful. You're just stressed. I, too watch Supernanny and wonder if perhaps her techniques, done diligently, would help? I always think that if I'm ever blessed to have a child then they're exactly what I would do. In any case, take a deep breath and relax. Just getting through the day with all your children safe, happy and healthy is a great accomplishment.
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Post by littleengine on Mar 7, 2010 22:21:05 GMT -5
Hollydayzd, thanks so much for your post, I loved your wild monkeys analogy (so true!) and it was really encouraging to read that your kids turned into good adults.
Butterfly, I've never seen Supernanny, I'm going to see if it's on Youtube.
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Post by yearning4order on Mar 7, 2010 23:09:07 GMT -5
Hi little, it sounds to me like you need help, rest, and some breaks. I know you love your children, and I know you love your faith, and it sounds like the whole cleaning aspect is very very scary for you. Remember that in 15 or even 5 minutes you can accomplish so much--but first perhaps turning off the "I am horrible I am horrible I am horrible" lying part of your brain so that you can focus on the one piece of trash on the top of the heap that you are going to throw away. Or the one dirty sock you are going to put into the hamper. Or the one square foot in the house that you are going to work on. And then notice how beautifully you threw away that one piece of trash, put that one dirty sock in the hamper, or worked on that one square foot in the house. I too have had challenges with parenting and housecleaning, however my kid is an only, and she's 11 now. So we're at a different stage, and I'm past the initial desqualor of our house. We are both still learning, I'm still learning how to parent, but one thing I know for sure: this house got desqualored when the people here told me to start where I wanted, and with the trash on the top. That it wasn't a race. That I could get it done in 15 minute increments. It's really true, you can work in 15 minute stretches. The other folks here with more experience cleaning with young ones will be able to share what works--again, I got started on this with an older only child, and our struggles have been different than where you are at. One thing I can say--when she was younger, I had my daughter in a Waldorf school. The Waldorf folks really emphasize the power of a rhythym especially for young children, who in some ways are more bound by gravity and imitation than anything else. So basically when we establish some good simple routines or patterns of doing things, our little ones really can't help but follow along, once they learn what the pattern is. For instance, in my daughter's school they sang a song for clean up, and similarly had other songs and dances they did so that the transitions were guided by that. Once the kids got the hang of it, even here at home, all we had to do was sing some of these songs and my daughter would fall into action. The other thing they told me was that kids under 6 would have a harder time responding to a command (even gently worded) like "Come over here" or "Put that down" or similar. But they were pretty helpless in terms of gravity, so if I walked behind an under 6 year old and gently fanned them, guided them in the direction I wanted to go and walked with them saying, "Let's go this way" very pleasantly, they literally couldn't help but follow. Or if a young friend had grabbed something breakable and I would walk over to them and gently put my hand on theirs and request to have the item--it was much different because gravity and motion were already working on the child. I don't know if any of that will help, but it was nice having some ways to get little ones to "follow along" without having to get into a struggle because they "weren't listening to my words"--a little bit of gentle physical encouragement and closeness along with patterns of getting certain tasks done made a huge difference. Just wish that I'd spent as much time developing household rhythm around housecleaning as I did the other big transitions, like getting dressed, mealtimes, going to school, bath, and going to bed, but oh well!
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Post by kadymae on Mar 8, 2010 16:46:00 GMT -5
Hands you a cup of tea. GRRL, sometimes we all need to have a nice Venti with some extra Ranty on top. I am a firm believer in the old fashioned good hard cry -- it's so cathartic, and when it's all over, I feel so much better and clear headed, and am able to tackle the problems. Is there somebody at your Shul that you can turn to for help and advice concerning the kidlets?
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 8, 2010 18:41:09 GMT -5
One word: Supernanny. Watch it on hulu.com. She does the same thing every week, she adds structure to the family's life. It works with dogs too.
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