victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
|
Post by victoriaj on Mar 11, 2010 12:44:07 GMT -5
I really hope it can't get worse than this. Or at least - I know that technically it can be worse but I really hope that I am not capable of making things any worse. I always had clutter but I knew things were getting out of control. I stopped letting anyone into my house. I lived in complete fear of the landlord entering the property. Then someone complained to my landlord, and the landlord did an inspection. I had time to at least try and prepare but I put things off and put things off and while I did some work I just couldn't do it. The landlord gave notice, but the notice wasn't the correct legal notice. I knew that sooner or later they'd sort it out and do it right, and the sensible thing would have been to sort the place and get out before legal costs were run up. At the same time the landlords failed to carry out repairs and the roof leaked and leaked, and hoarded paper became damp mouldy rubbish, while mice moved in and book worms got the books. Again I kept telling myself that I could do it, that I had time... Months later, including about 3 months when I wasn't living there, it still wasn't done. I was going there miserably when ever I wasn't working but I just couldn't do it. I sat there telling myself I would do it I would. I didn't. On Tuesday the eviction day came. I have packed up and taken some of my stuff, but I ended up abandoning so much stuff. I lost lots of things because I ruined them. I lost lots of things because I couldn't find them in the rubbish. I left the place in a state I am completely ashamed off. I would die of embarrassment if anyone who knew me saw the place. I know that when they get people in to clear it they will think I was less than human. I could have given the property back to be cleared ages ago but I refused because I wanted to do it myself. Because of this (and because my landlords did a couple of pretty mean sneaky things in court, and because I procrastinated in dealing with the legal stuff...) I now owe large amounts in legal costs. I think that someone who didn't know what it is to hoard or to have the kind of problem with squalor I have would think that I wouldn't care about my home, or my things. Because I don't seem to treat them with care. I think I'm more like someone who has a very intense but bad relationship with my home and stuff. My space is hugely important to me, unfortunately I make it mine by filling it with rubbish. I've lost my space. I am currently staying with my mother. Which in one way has been good because she's ill and being there when she had a recent operation was helpful (and I'm staying until she has the second operation in June). Otherwise not so good - my mother is a very difficult person at the best of times. Illness does not make her easy to deal with and I'm pretty fragile right now. Being near her this much isn't great for my mental health. I also have no proper space of my own there. It is however letting me save on some rent money (I pay her only a very small amount) so I can get together the money for a new place. I do have some of my things in storage, but I don't think I even did a good job of making sure I didn't take the rubbish anymore that making sure I took all the stuff I cared about. When I was collecting stuff together to take the last things I rescued to storage on Tuesday I half wanted to walk away with nothing. I was also telling myself that if the house burnt down it would be good to have say 5 minutes to rescue the most important things. I got better than that. I'm alive. The cat's OK. I got my photos, and my favourite bracelet, and my grandma's necklace... And I do know it is only stuff. Only money. I feel completely drained. A little broken. I also feel relieved though. I wish I had successful done it. But I'm just so glad to be done with it. What ever else I do not have to spend this weekend trying and failing to do it. I am also trying to cope with the realisation that I could hurt myself this much. I think I've lost my trust in myself. If I could do this what else will I do to sabotage myself. I'm doing a constant mental monologue of fortunately unfortunately. I don't like myself much. I'm ashamed. I'm mourning having my own home which was SO important to me. I'm hopeful for the future because I could have a fresh start house wise. I'm terrified I will fail again. "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes" - Walt Whitman. I'm not a minimalist, why should I be uncluttered in my psyche
|
|
|
Post by handymandy on Mar 11, 2010 14:46:10 GMT -5
Hi Victoriaj, I am so happy that you have a roof over your head, even if it is not the most pleasant place to be. Your mother is SO LUCKY to have you there to take care of her, even if she doesn't appreciate it. I know how hard it was for you to try to deal with your 'stuff' because I can't deal with mine either. I threw out a stack of old, old, old, Good Housekeeping (Hah!) and Better Homes and Gardens magazines (I love looking through them, even tho they were very old). It was so painful to part with them that I was practically chasing the garbage truck down the street in hopes of getting them back. Well, I LIKE YOU. And the cat loves you. I think you are great and wonderful and full of promise. Forgive yourself and think of the new possibilities that are open to you. A fresh start. In the future try to be vigilant as to what you bring in and things you don't throw out. I know, easier said than done. Post a sign on your fridge and repeat often "I refuse to Ever let that happen again." Personally, I didn't realize I even had a problem (well, I knew I was messy) until I tried to clean things up a little but could not find a place to put anything away. Couldn't put away groceries, vacuum cleaner, or laundry because the linen closet, clothes closets, kitchen cabinets, one of the bedrooms, and the two car garage were so packed to the max that nothing else could fit in there. Funny how this could go on for years and I did not see what was happening. There are many of us who understand where you are coming from because we are walking in the same shoes. Best good luck to you. And many hugs. Much Luv, Handymandy
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on Mar 11, 2010 15:59:19 GMT -5
It's good to meet you, VictoriaJ.
Your story could be retold by many of us. Even though some of the details would vary, it would be like reading another chapter of the same book.
One problem might be perfectionism. We've been told so often that if we can't do it right (read that as "perfectly to someone else's standard") don't do it, that we just don't. After all, it won't be perfect, and it won't be done yesterday like we want. So we do nothing.
You can start over, practice new habits, not be perfect but be better.
I'm glad you're here.
messymimi
|
|
|
Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 11, 2010 16:40:13 GMT -5
Find counseling locally as well as here. Look around, see if there's a support group you can join. If nothing else, see if you can join almost any 12 step group. We benefit from seeing that we ARE part of the herd in most respects.
Spend TIME on this, it's important. It can take years off your journey to wellness to have help that's smart and timely.
|
|
|
Post by ponygirl on Mar 11, 2010 16:46:15 GMT -5
to you.
I love that Whitman quote.
|
|
|
Post by CaringFriend on Mar 11, 2010 17:21:26 GMT -5
I left the place in a state I am completely ashamed off. I would die of embarrassment if anyone who knew me saw the place. I know that when they get people in to clear it they will think I was less than human. If a friend confided the same story to you, would you tell her, "You should be ashamed! You are less than human!" ..............I didn't think so. Be a friend to yourself. Take advantage of this time in your mother's home to try to determine exactly what were the roots to your biggest problems. Books: Book lover? Tons and tons of books? Resolve that you will never buy another book, but will use the library instead. If they don't have or can't get the book you want, it would be OK to buy it, as long as you promise yourself you will donate it to the library when finished with it. Clothes: So many clothes that the furniture and floors were covered with them? Decide you will own no more than 10 each of bras, panties, and socks. Jeans - 3? Sweatshirts - 3 or 4? Etc. Linens: Sheets? 2 sets - 1 set on and one spare set. Towels & washcloths? If it's just you, then perhaps 4 of each? More than you - 6 of each? I think you see where I'm going with this. If you don't know how to prevent a particular problem, just ask your friends here! I am so glad you are no longer in that depressing situation. Things do happen for a reason, you know.
|
|
|
Post by zinnia on Mar 11, 2010 17:56:54 GMT -5
I'm hopeful for the future because I could have a fresh start house wise. Yes- work towards this. Hugs to you- please be gentle with yourself.
|
|
|
Post by Butterfly on Mar 12, 2010 2:38:29 GMT -5
I am thankful that you and your cat are okay and have a place to live. PLEASE try to take the following wise advice so that you can get the support you need and never find yourself at the bottom again. Find counseling locally as well as here. Look around, see if there's a support group you can join. If nothing else, see if you can join almost any 12 step group. We benefit from seeing that we ARE part of the herd in most respects. Spend TIME on this, it's important. It can take years off your journey to wellness to have help that's smart and timely. I would add that in addition to TIME, it's worth whatever money you have to pay as well because it will improve your future.
|
|
|
Post by tinasabrina on Mar 12, 2010 13:37:16 GMT -5
Victoria, I could have written your post myself- TWICE. I too have had to leave without the opportunity to thoroughly go through the clutter and find all my belongings. Like you said, it comes down to "Just get the cat, yourself, the sentimental stuff (like Grandma's jewelry) and walk away from it." I do agree with whoever suggested counseling. If I could afford it I would be going myself. I too know that shame of wondering who will view the inside of the house I've left. Big hugs to you my friend. I am so grateful you have a place to stay. Now just concentrate on moving forward. You cannot change the past.
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Mar 13, 2010 1:54:53 GMT -5
victoriaj;
your post really moved me.
hugs to you and glad you are here and have a place for you and your kitty to stay and can help your mom out at the same time you help yourself save up some rent money.
i hope this is your bottom too, and that the only way for you to go from here is up. try not to spend too much time on the why of things, but rather the how of them, and how to go about making sure you won't reach this place again.
you're among friends here who understand your situation and many have lived it. try to live minimalistically for now. it's hard to have noplace of your own, but excess stuff and messes rob us all of that anyhow.
my favorite place to go when i had no space or solitude was for long walks in nature or to the cemetery to just sit and watch the birds. (it's peaceful there!). there are lots of places to get soem solitude. come here often and work with the good people here, and you can have a new and better beginning.
one step at a time is all you need to take. i'm sorry for the difficulties that have beset you, and i hope you will be kind and forgive yourself and begin anew with some new hope. things really can be different and it never has to get that bad again.
luv, cc
|
|
victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
|
Post by victoriaj on Mar 30, 2010 15:11:55 GMT -5
I really appreciated all the responses. It's just taken me a while to feel up to talking to people.
I'm not exactly new. I popped in, disappeared, popped back and disappeared again. I do sometimes not feel social enough to talk, but still enjoy reading and feeling some connection to you all. More recently I had stopped visiting the site because it was another thing I was doing to avoid clearing up.
I'm still mainly relieved that at least it is over. And somewhat hopeful that I can get someone new to live in a couple of months.
I go through times when I feel a real loss for both my home and my possessions. Part of hoarding and squalor for me was about nesting and territory I think, so I am suffering a bit having been forced out.
But there are also times when I do feel "lighter" without the clutter attached.
I feel a bit strange on the forum because so much of the talk is about cleaning house, and I no longer have one.
I am suffering living with my mother. We have a difficult relationship at the best of time, but illness makes her angrier and less patient. I feel very raw and when she gets angry she can be very hurtful.
But I am able to safe towards a new home. And I can have my cat with me.
I feel like I have had my life on hold for a long time while I was not managing to sort out my home but didn't feel I could do anything else until it was done. I wish that was over. I am sitting here enduring and waiting for my new start, but with every pay check I am moving forward.
It will be my birthday next month and I have told those people who give me presents that I'd rather wait and have a house warming present.
Still very disjointed as this post shows.
I was getting counselling until about 2 years ago when my mother first became seriously ill. My health kind of stopped being the priority at that point, but once I'm settled again I think I may ask to be re-referred.
Victoria J
|
|
|
Post by mrsmess on Mar 31, 2010 6:37:50 GMT -5
I left the place in a state I am completely ashamed off. I would die of embarrassment if anyone who knew me saw the place. I know that when they get people in to clear it they will think I was less than human. If a friend confided the same story to you, would you tell her, "You should be ashamed! You are less than human!" ..............I didn't think so. Be a friend to yourself. Take advantage of this time in your mother's home to try to determine exactly what were the roots to your biggest problems. Books: Book lover? Tons and tons of books? Resolve that you will never buy another book, but will use the library instead. If they don't have or can't get the book you want, it would be OK to buy it, as long as you promise yourself you will donate it to the library when finished with it. Clothes: So many clothes that the furniture and floors were covered with them? Decide you will own no more than 10 each of bras, panties, and socks. Jeans - 3? Sweatshirts - 3 or 4? Etc. Linens: Sheets? 2 sets - 1 set on and one spare set. Towels & washcloths? If it's just you, then perhaps 4 of each? More than you - 6 of each? I think you see where I'm going with this. If you don't know how to prevent a particular problem, just ask your friends here! this is great advice...and you have just made me realise what I am going to do tomorrow...throw out the millions of undies I never wear! I think the penny just dropped for me as to why I am always struggling with clutter...I just have too much of everything, more than I really need. I need to give a lot to those who don't have enough....thus killing 2 birds with one stone.
|
|
|
Post by puppybox on Mar 31, 2010 16:44:56 GMT -5
dear victoria J.
I have total empathy for you. I was not evicted, but I could have been. I didn't have leaks and mold, but I did have bugs galore and mold. people would have thought I was less than human too. I know how it is to want to do it yourself and sooo much time passes.
I wanted to say- about being here even though you don't have a house (or apartment etc):
this place is NOT only about cleaning. its about talking, and healing (as hokey as that sounds!, I cringe to use those words). seriously, you have to fix how you think and feel before any cleaning gets done, or at least any thing that will stick.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Apr 1, 2010 10:47:10 GMT -5
Dear victoriaj,
You have received some excellent advice here. A fresh start--how wonderful! You can make this happen for you. One step at a time. You can do this. I did, and you can too. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
BF
|
|
|
Post by downandout on Apr 1, 2010 20:40:57 GMT -5
i am sorry you are feeling so bad. yes i know that feeling we were evicted and the self hate i had because of the way we left the place still haunts me. never left anywhere like that before with the mold and dirt the bugs and mouse droppings and even tho we got the stuff out so much was just tossed i still dont know whats gone. deeply ashamed of it all and sorry too for the landlord as he was not a bad man. even tho its not the best situation for you it does seem rather destined doesnt it? you are there to care for your mother even tho its difficult and in return you and your cat have a home. gives you a chance to save up so eventually you can get anotehr place of your own. at least you have a plan! i will hold the belief that this eviction was the very bottom for you as well as for me. so we only have one way to go and thats up!!
|
|