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Post by messymimi on Dec 23, 2014 18:57:30 GMT -5
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple
"Christmas is a time to see which gives out first -- your money or your feet!" ~ Anon.
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 24, 2014 6:59:16 GMT -5
Technology is getting on my nerves a bit, so:
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!" ~ Anon.
For those who are trying to travel right now and are stuck due to cancelled flights:
"Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there." ~ Source: propilots.org
For those of us who love English literature and proper grammar (and yes, i admit, i may well be alone in that!):
"I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!" ~ Anon.
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 25, 2014 8:44:09 GMT -5
"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" ~ Bob Hope
"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." ~ Oren Arnold
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald Westlake
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 26, 2014 15:40:27 GMT -5
Sign at the local veterinarian's office:
Dear Santa, Please don't listen to the cat! The Dog
"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." ~ Albert Einstein
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!" ~ Joey Adams
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 27, 2014 12:55:57 GMT -5
"Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday!" ~ Anon.
"I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!" ~ Clinton Thomas
"A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest." ~ Winston Churchill
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 28, 2014 19:05:59 GMT -5
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” ~ Robert Brault
"Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles M. Schultz
"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." ~ James Agate
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 29, 2014 11:48:44 GMT -5
The new year is coming, and we will all be a bit older and most of you wiser (i'm a hopeless case). So quotes about all ages and stages of life that i hope make everyone laugh or at least grin:
"Make no mistake about why these babies are here; they are here to replace us. " ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it." ~ Monta Crane
"Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it ." ~ Bob Phillips
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left." ~ Jerry M. Wright
"Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier." ~ Dan Bennett
"By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out." ~ Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
"You're only as old as you feel." ~ Anonymous "You're only as old as the girl that you feel." ~ Groucho Marx
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." ~ Woody Allen
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 30, 2014 17:09:35 GMT -5
Funny quotes about love, just because it's nice to laugh about love.
"It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." ~ Lucille Ball
"Love thy neighbor — and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." ~ Mae West
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love" ~ Albert Einstein
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." ~ Jules Renard
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." ~ Charles Schulz
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 31, 2014 7:44:21 GMT -5
Okay, New Year quotes:
"New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions." ~ Mark Twain
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." ~ Bill Vaughan
"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." ~ P.J. O'Rourke
"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." ~ James Agate
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." ~ Bill Vaughan
"New Year's Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." ~ Mark Twain
"Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that." ~ Judith Crist
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!" ~ Joey Adams
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other." ~ Anon.
Happy New Year, everyone! And Dragoness, please come back and get us started with a new theme for January if you can. If you can't, i've got a few funny quotes about politics and politicians that may show up here, until you are over the crisis and feeling better.
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Jan 6, 2015 7:44:46 GMT -5
Disorganized Dragon has let me know she does have a new topic, but she apparently just can't get it up right now.
So, in her honor, so this quote thread does't languish, i'll put up a couple each day, to hold us until our Quote Guru can return.
Will Rogers quotes, because i worked late last night and need to smile and he always provided one:
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Jan 8, 2015 13:50:15 GMT -5
Genuine Insurance claim explanations:
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and struck a tree I haven't got. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I don't know who was to blame for the accident; I wasn't looking.
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Jan 12, 2015 18:18:06 GMT -5
Some quotes from Winston Churchill.
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (About Prime Minister Clement Atlee) He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened. (about Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin) You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
messymimi
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ellie
New Member
Joined: October 2010
Posts: 87
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Post by ellie on Feb 1, 2015 3:49:53 GMT -5
the guy next to me at a thank you dinner: "I'm allergic to alcohol. whenever I drink it I break out in handcuffs."
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Post by creativechaos on Feb 25, 2015 16:18:30 GMT -5
thanks mimi - and ellie - keep 'em coming! dear dragoness - thinking of you. love and misses.
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Post by Serendipity on Apr 25, 2015 18:07:13 GMT -5
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