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Post by breakingfree on Apr 23, 2010 8:49:31 GMT -5
We have been going through stuff that we don't use (i.e. stuff that was a part of our old decor) to sell in a yard sale. We have a small storage room attached to the house. SO began going through it, and at first it seemed like it was going to be easy. Of course, there is a BUT. When I began to desqualor a few years ago, I went through tons of stuff. I narrowed everything down to 11 totes, which went into that storage room. They did take up one side of the storage room, but there was lots of room left over.
Well, SO volunteered to go through those totes for me. I cannot believe what he found. There were totes that had stuffed animals mixed with mail mixed with knicknacks....UGH!! I could have sworn that I had sorted through everything and had gotten rid of all that stuff. Selective memory, huh? Anyway, SO said he would go through those totes and not get rid of anything that seemed important. He was true to his word. In the midst of all that stuff, he found photos, mine and my children's SS cards and birth certificates... I just can't believe it.
When I got home, there were 8 huge black bags of garbage, and still a few more totes to go through. I got ruthless and just started tossing stuff. It was all I could do not to go through every single piece of paper and go through the bags already loaded and ready to go. I didn't, but it took all of my resolve not to do so.
I feel so fake. I feel like I THOUGHT I was better, but I realize I'm not. Yes, I am doing a lot better in terms of handling what is coming in the house now, and from all outward appearances it appears everything was squalor-free and organized. But it wasn't. Deeply hidden were things that I either forgot or just pushed out of my mind. I got to looking in my basket that sits under the coffee table and it is full of mail and papers. AGAIN. All of those old feelings of anxiety are coming back. SO has been very understanding and has not pushed me to do anything I don't want to do. I dont' want to be squalorous. I want to be organized. I am trying so hard. I thought I had overcome, and I guess I have to an extent. But it is still there. It is laying dormant, and I am so afraid that it will all come back out.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, but I knew you guys would understand.
Thank you, guys, for being here and for being so understanding.
BF
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Post by moggyfan on Apr 23, 2010 9:00:51 GMT -5
BF, I completely understand this. I think true "desqualoring" takes place in stages--I went through exactly what you describe. I too got to a point where everything looked fine, but for another year or two, I would occasionally come across some "hidden" pile/box/bag, etc. and think, "Oh, THAT--I forgot about THAT."
Even now, I know there are a couple of bags/boxes full of "important treasures" that are lurking in a closet or in the back porch storage space. I will get to them.
It seems to me what is different, and what means you are not sliding backwards, is that you are taking care of it right now. You didn't shove it all back in the room and let it sit for more years!
So, kudos to you!
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Post by breakingfree on Apr 23, 2010 9:08:38 GMT -5
Oh moggyfan, thank you so much for that! You hit it spot on.
It was such a shock. I swear, I found myself wondering if someone hadn't snuck that stuff back in there! You are right, though, I didn't just stick it all back in there. I (with SO's help and encouragement) am dealing with it now.
I am so glad that you, and everyone else here, know what I am going through and encourage me. It means the world to me.
Thank you so much!!!
BF
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Apr 23, 2010 11:13:07 GMT -5
It was all I could do not to go through every single piece of paper and go through the bags already loaded and ready to go. I didn't, but it took all of my resolve not to do so. (jump) I feel so fake. I feel like I THOUGHT I was better, but I realize I'm not. BF But you are better. Read the above part of your original post. You wanted to go thru everything that was bagged and ready to go, but you didn't. And no one had to chain you to a chair or threaten you with bodily harm to keep you from doing it. You just knew you shouldn't do it--and you didn't let yourself backslide. That is a HUGE accomplishment. Maybe you're not 100% rid of the desire that led initially led you to become overcome with clutter. I'm not sure any of us ever get rid of that desire completely. But as long as you can keep the wolf away from the door (and stop him from moving back in with a bunch of new stuff), you have made tremendous progress. Even though it's easy to be afraid that you may slip backward, don't let that fear overcome you and cause you anxiety. Instead look at all you've done and be proud of yourself. You deserve it. You are resolved to keep moving forward and I'm sure you will.   |
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Post by eagle on Apr 23, 2010 11:26:47 GMT -5
Breakingfree, I believe that you did the best your could and as thorough a job as you could when you de-squalored everything down to 11 totes. That is huge and you're not giving yourself due credit for such a huge accomplishment.
Yes, I understand the fear that it can come back on you at any time. And to have those self doubts show up when faced with the reality that you once had no control over your squalor is perfectly natural. Those birth certificates and social security cards were the reminder of where you had been at that point in your life. You were reminded. You remembered. You were shocked. You felt fear (I think) that you weren't completely honest with yourself. Well, I think you were as honest as you could be and just overlooked a few things, either from exhaustion or whatever.
Whatever the reason was that those 11 totes weren't completely organized and categorized into some 'perfect' sense doesn't even matter. That's not where you were at that point in your life. NOW you have the important papers you forgot about. NOW you can put them in a well organized and safe place. NOW you looked at a basket of unopened mail and said to yourself, "Oh, no, don't let that happen again." NOW you can open your mail.
Just to give you a little comic relief, here's a story about myself very current:
Last year I did a thorough room change and made a very nice attractive and well organized office for myself. A lovely space. I also separted all our old banking account checks from our current banking account checks. The blank checks for the current accounts, I put into a brightly colored shiney magenta colored bag (very small, the kind you use for gifts) and said to myself, "In this brightly colored bag, I'll never miss this. I'll know exactly where my checks are when I need to add them to the checkbook." Well, I was down to 2 or 3 checks and began looking for the blank checks and couldn't find them. After a few weeks of looking again and again, thinking I had looked 'everywhere' but knowing I couldn't have, I finally just ordered more, thinking, "Now they'll turn up." And of course they did. The new checks arrived yesterday in the mail. This morning I went upstairs to get something and there they were, right in plain sight, right within my reach, plain as day, having not been moved in all this time. How could I have missed them? Who knows? I just did. I burst out laughing and moved all blank checks to a spot on the shelf in my office and put a label on the bag "Blank Checks" so now I hopefully can't miss them the next time.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Apr 23, 2010 11:38:08 GMT -5
You ARE better. You sorted the stuff that you couldn't sort before. It just feels bad, but it's a sign of great progress.
I had a similar experience when I finally emptied my storage locker, after 8 years. For several weeks, much of it remained piled in the living room, while I felt as though I'd had a huge setback. I finally realized that its presence indicated that I'd made enough progress to tackle the difficult things, and my brain was just lying to me.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Apr 23, 2010 11:42:27 GMT -5
- I think some of your emotions might be tied to the emotional baggage known as "Ghost Squalor" Ghost Squalor explained: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=285Also, I think it's what moggyfan said. The following parallel occurs to me: This would be like an alcoholic who has been sober for ten years -- and is STILL sober now ... finding a full bottle buried in the garage ... and she feels aghast because she thought she had thrown them all out years ago.
Well, if she drinks from it, there is a problem.
If she throws it away, it reinforces her sobriety.
And she's always going to be discovering buried character shortcomings ... that she will have to work through. Life will always present challenges. What matters is that work through such things and not deny them.
One of the "promises" of 12step recovery says .... that after dedicated work of overcoming both your compulsion AND working through your other issues: "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us". See ... in the past, you would have been "baffled" by a box of stuff in the garage. Now, you KNOW what to do with it -- immediately sort through it, and then DEAL WITH the items effectively by discarding them or putting them away properly. - |
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Post by breakingfree on Apr 23, 2010 13:00:38 GMT -5
My eyes are teary right now. You guys are so right. Oh, it was such an incredible shock to see that stuff there. And the fear. I had recorded an episode of Hoarders a few days ago and watched it while SO went to play basketball. When he came home, he jokingly asked if I went out and partied while he was gone. I told him no, that I had watched that episode of Hoarders. He asked me why I watch it (and Clean House). I explained that I needed to see it so that I won't let it happen to me again.
When I was outside, seeing all those trashbags loaded up in the SUV, I wanted soooo much to go over there and look "just to make sure we didn't overlook anything." Then a scene flashed before me where the woman on Hoarders was looking through every single bag, and it was taking them hours. I had tears in my eyes you guys, and I had to bite my lip, but I did not go near those bags. I even threw some stuff on top of them.
It was like a physical blow. I know it sounds so dramatic, but it was. I was on the verge of tears, and SO was very sweet. He said he now understood what I meant when I explained to him how I used to get overwhelmed. But, like you guys, he said look how far I have come. But it is so much more than that. It is like you see these beautiful people (like movie stars) on the outside but they are hurting, suffering, and sometimes to the point where they abuse drugs or kill themselves. I feel kind of like that. Not like killing myself, but like I represent one thing outwardly and inwardly I am something different.
Wow, I am so blessed that I have you guys here and my wonderful SO. I am so lucky.
Gosh, here come the water works now....
God Bless you guys. You have no idea what you all mean to me, and how I hope and pray that each and every one of us can triumph.
Love,
BF
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Post by shopgirl on Apr 23, 2010 13:21:26 GMT -5
I understand completely. My house looks clean and tidy, but I know there are HOT BOXES tucked away in every storage space. Those boxes where you open them up and go "Oh. That. Yeah, maybe later." and then close them up and stash them away ASAP. Paper is the worst.
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Post by mouseanne on Apr 23, 2010 13:21:51 GMT -5
I admire you so much for all you have accomplished! Great Job on all the work! I hope to follow in your shoes.... down the tidy path.   |
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Post by puppybox on Apr 23, 2010 14:41:17 GMT -5
everyone is soooo right. I have been through the same thing, though I wasn't as surprised as you.  |
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Post by def6 on Apr 23, 2010 16:30:55 GMT -5
Congrats on the progress!
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Apr 23, 2010 17:10:55 GMT -5
Congratulations, dear, you've made a lot of progress Progress, not perfection! ,
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Post by houseworkhater on Apr 23, 2010 22:14:45 GMT -5
agreeing with all that you HAVE changed...but understanding that it can be a very layered process. just keep on keeping on...you will get where you need to be!
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815 
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Post by hopehope on Apr 24, 2010 0:23:18 GMT -5
I do understand.
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