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Post by najinajinaji on Jul 6, 2010 15:31:42 GMT -5
I'm a teenager and I live in a rather messy house with my two rather messy parents.
I can't invite friends over and I can barely walk around without bumping into piles of something or other. We also have quite a lot of dust and mould around the place.
I was wondering if there was anything I could do to improve the situation? I mention it sometimes, but my parents either get frustrated or express sympathy but take no action.
Help?
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Post by def6 on Jul 6, 2010 15:52:26 GMT -5
Hello !
This site is really only for people who have trouble with their messie houses... not for their loved ones who's lives are in dysfunction because of it. That being said , if you are also having trouble with your own mess or if you "own" some of the collective mess . You are welcome ! I think there is a lot you can do as a teen to help your household. Many of these things do not require making decisions about getting rid of (or moving) things that belong to others.
Such as: picking up obvious trash and debris, doing laundry (or at least, your own), sweeping, cleaning after pets, do dishes, clean your own room, take out the trash. This would mean the world to your parents and it will encourage them. Please don't get frustrated with the folks ...they are only human like me or you.
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 6, 2010 15:54:01 GMT -5
Please don't feel too pushed away--you're welcome to read everything here you can, as I think that can help you understand even if the mess isn't your own. Look here for more specific help: www.childrenofhoarders.com/bindex.phpIt can help you find the way to talk to your parents and raise the issue of the mess with them in a way that might help. Mostly, it can help you cope. You can also focus on your room and your private spaces and making them havens amidst the clutter so you don't feel it pressing on you all the time. It's not fair to you to have to do it, but if you can clean and move piles to less conspicuous places, it might make you feel better and more able to have someone over. If they express sympathy, then they know there's a problem. Who knows, maybe seeing you try to take action will help. |
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Post by Chris on Jul 6, 2010 15:57:15 GMT -5
There is an excellent support group for children of hoarders -- I'm not sure if it would help you but it might: www.childrenofhoarders.com/bindex.phpI am not sure what to say -- I grew up in an immaculate home with perfectionist parents. And now I suffer from being disorganized and messy -- and I'm here working and making that better. Good luck to you. OOPS -- clutterfree already posted the link  great minds think alike |
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Post by Chris on Jul 6, 2010 16:01:12 GMT -5
Also, I recommend the book:
Digging out, Helping your loved one manage clutter, hoarding + compulsive acquiring. by Michael Tompkins.
It's great.
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Post by najinajinaji on Jul 6, 2010 16:02:53 GMT -5
Thank you very much for your help and the link to the website  Hopefully, it should come in handy |
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Post by def6 on Jul 6, 2010 16:08:38 GMT -5
I forgot to say this in my previous reply; I know it's tough to be a teen! I really wish you well and I hope your situation gets better. It's tough to want change but be powerless to make that change happen. Maybe you can do enough to make it tolerable.
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Post by eagle on Jul 6, 2010 16:37:55 GMT -5
najinajinaji, You can do something to improve the situation. But you can't really change your parents. So nagging is something to avoid, as it is pretty much useless.
Try leading by example. Yes, I know you are the kid and they are the adults, but until you move out, you may just have to act as if you are an adult for awhile. In fact it may help you in your future.
I understand that it is tough not to be able to invite friends over. But I'll tell you that my best friend in high shcol did invite us over. We walked into the front door and she lead us through the maze of piled high stuff to her room. We didn't spend a lot of time at her house, it's true, but she did invite us in and took us to her room. You may not want to do that, and you don't have to, if you don't want to. But it is possible to invite one truly best friend into your home if your parents will allow it.
Regardless of if you do or not, here are some things you can do:
Keep your room clean.
Clean up the bathroom after you use it.
Clean up your own dishes in the kitchen after you eat.
Offer to 'help' with the dishes after a meal & maybe mom & you can wash the dishes together. If not, wash a few dishes anyway.
Offer to take out the trash. Take out one bag of trash per day to the garbage bin (can, or whatever you may call it). In addition to your trash from your room. Make sure the bin goes where it is picked up by the waste management people (garbage truck or whatever) each week (if you have weekly pick-up). Sometimes this is one problems folks who live in squalor have, is not taking out the garbage and not getting it picked up.
Maintain a positive attitude and speak with respectful tones of voice when talking to your parents about any of these things. Don't grumble or present yourself and doing any of this in a begruding way. Just be matter-of-fact and pleasant. No holier-than-thou attitude. No 'see what a difference' this makes. Just do it, be pleasant, offer to help, move about without dramatic display.
Leading by example is being a positive role model. It is also an attitude. Give it a try and see if it helps. I do not guarantee overnight results, as they don't even happen when we do it ourselves. But over time, you will see a difference, even if only in yourself.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 6, 2010 18:02:23 GMT -5
- Hello and welcome! The childrenofhoarders.com website that was recommended ... has lots of good general information. You can read many useful things there on the main site. I see that you are a teenager. Childrenofhoarders does have an actual support group that is on yahoogroups ... BUT ... that support group is specifically ONLY for those 18 years and older. More about the book "Digging Out" here: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=10013My heart goes out to you. I don't have children. But if I did, I wouldn't want them to have to live in my mess. I think that eagle's advice to you is very wise. - |
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Post by messymimi on Jul 6, 2010 18:09:36 GMT -5
Welcome  !
Read, read, read. Here and on the children of hoarders site. It won't in itself make the situation any better, but it might help you to understand that your parents are not doing this on purpose.
Some of us are this way, for as many combinations of reasons as there are people. We don't choose it, but when we learn better or get tired of it or hit bottom, we learn to cope with it and fight back against the tendency.
Eagle's advice is spot on. Lead gently by example, with lots of love. It can't hurt and it might open up a way for you to introduce this website.
I'm glad you found your way here.
messymimi
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Post by success19 on Jul 6, 2010 20:05:42 GMT -5
I think you should show this site to your parents and tell them exactly how you feel - but tell them with love - it isn't fair for you to have to live this way - your parents love you and maybe their love for you will encourage them to make changes. You sound like a remarkable person to come on this site and ask for help. You are always welcome here.
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