renata
New Member
Joined: June 2010
Posts: 21 
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Post by renata on Jul 15, 2010 22:15:29 GMT -5
I hope it's okay to post this one on the main board  Basically, I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about the connections and/ or tips about courting when you have a history of cleanliness trouble. (I love that word--"courting." Pretty and old-fashioned, right?  . Brief background: I'm female. I was in grad school for EVER, and there are a lot of cliches about how that keeps you kind of "childlike." I know it. I was there between 23 and 31--never out of school. Because I am so nonsequential and bad with paper, a PhD dissertation felt like a rat's maze. I just couldn't get out of there. But I did! Then I got my first teaching job and was there about three years in an impoverished environment where, as an outsider, nobody really socialized with me. Got out of that situation with much help cleaning/ moving from my parents and am now at a MUCH better job, one I'd like to keep. Struggle with cleaning come and goes. I decluttered some around July 4 weekend but still have quite a ways to go in terms of keeping things tidy. Boy trouble: I didn't really meet anybody in grad school or at my first job. I have a weird sixth sense about men being attracted me, so that was not anymore an issue than it was for anyone else. I just have really poor follow-through, and I'm SURE part of it is how choked I feel by my living conditions. Finally pushing myself through an ADD diagnosis was a big clue--that haze makes reciprocating romantic interest really difficult. Always. I STILL feel too stupid to live in these situations, however. In adult life, I've neither found nor sustained a healthy, permanent relationship. I know I'm smart, I know I'm lovely and appealing to certain men, and I can occasionally convince myself that I'm deserving ... but that just doesn't help. Again, I'm sure this is partly due to the haze in which I live. Punchline: I got to this job and started having various kinds of boy trouble. There's a degree of mutual interest between myself and someone who's really, really smart and neat, super focussed, not nearly as rough around the ages as I've been ... to the point where I feel inadequate, but I'm not the only one who realizes just how attractive that is. I don't know him well enough obvs, to tell if he's a potential life partner, but I long for someone of his caliber. How can I even get to the stage of knowing what to do about him when I struggle so much just to be smart enought to live? I think I'm doing pretty well, taking things slowly, trying not to overwhelm either shy person, him or me. But I am so certain that I can't do it, that I can't do this properly, and I am sure that it relates in part to the huge weight put on me by my living situation and related issues. It is hard to think if you have all that clutter in the background, and it is hard not to call yourself stupid all the time. Also, I crave someone to help me with my lack of focus. I know that you have to be brave and fix these issues yourself in some way, but I also feel like I work so hard to be normal and to get along in the world to the poor extent I do, and I long for someone to help and support me. I know the usual advice about buiding oneself up, focussing on the other person, and above all I am increasingly a believer in the power of prayer in treating these relationship hiccups of mine. But I was wondering if anyone on these boards had any specific wisdom or perspective. Thanks if you read any of that! R. |
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Post by dtesposito on Jul 16, 2010 8:06:32 GMT -5
Renata, usually when people worry about their clutter situation and a new romantic interest it's specifically about introducing the person to their home. You mentioned "related issues", as though you're thinking more along the lines of issues you have that cause the clutter AND make other areas of life difficult as well?
I think this is something that you can overanalyze and never get anywhere until you try it. You said there was mutual attraction--are you just talking? Spending work time together? Dating? What step are you hesitant about?
I can't tell if you really feel that your clutter issues are the problem, or if you spent a lot of time in school really focused on your education so that you missed out on the dating/socializing component. If that's the case, you kind of have to start now where teenagers usually do--go out there and give it a try and learn as you go.
Clutter issues are going to be with you your whole life to some extent, even if you are able to get to maintenance you'll still need to focus on them to keep yourself there. So if you want a relationship, don't postpone it waiting until you are psychologically perfect, because as we all know--there is no such state!
Diane
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Post by Chris on Jul 16, 2010 8:46:57 GMT -5
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 16, 2010 9:16:59 GMT -5
There's something called NLD which is often misdiagnosed as ADD. It is just like ADD but with social issues being affected and a massive area of strength being verbal communication. I have it and so does my son and ex husband. You might wanna do a quick google and see if you can relate.
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Post by puppybox on Jul 16, 2010 20:04:21 GMT -5
I can totally relate to feeling like you are somehow a prolonged child in certain ways. and not meeting anyone for a long time.
you long for someone of his caliber- great! you do deserve someone great. its also great that you don't have the feeling you should settle for someone less than you want because you are not perfect. you shouldn't.
nobody's perfect. you said you don't know him well enough for something or other- well, trust me. he'll have issues and problems of his own. no one gets to age 31 without a bunch. you just don't know him well enough to see them yet.
hey, maybe he's thinking the same about you (he wants someone of your caliber)?? could be!! cool thought.
some people don't know what their problems are, or do but deny they are problems. this is a problem. if someone has a problem and admits it and is trying to work on it, or trying to try at least, that is a major accomplishment.
I have no answer to your actual question. but take some risks. not too many. but some.
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renata
New Member
Joined: June 2010
Posts: 21
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Post by renata on Jul 17, 2010 23:03:36 GMT -5
A belated thank you for these good answers. I am so impressed with the expressions of people on these boards. Things: dtesposito, I am concerned about getting past the flirting stage, if you will. I know that there is something between us, I feel horribly inadequate and have a track record of literally ruining such situations. In part, I think it is the weight of feeling inadequate to basic living that makes things difficult for me. I have had some serious emotional relationships, but for whatever reason, nothing on the romantic front has ever worked out for me. Ever. Thank You for this. Yes, I suffer from an abnormal perfectionism, workaholism if you will. It just doesn't play out in my living situations. It's funny I'm attracted to this dude--he seems to be a perfectionist, also, just in a different way. chrisI have noticed that we might possibly help each other. He’s very quiet, I’m VERY social; he’s uptight, I’m laidback; so on. I think I’ve previously been more immature and wanted … first a SO to give me a sense of worth or belonging, then someone who was like me. Now what I really want is someone who can help and support me and vice versa. I just don’t think that’s a bad thing to want. I have no clue if this will work out, but I just love that focus in him. I wish that I could more consistently attract that quality of person. Thanks for this. This is something that I absolutely must remind myself. BlackswanThis information is extremely useful to me especially since I teach--Thank You. puppyboxEhhh. I’m 35; he’s 34. It gets harder every year, I swear :-D Lovely thing to say. Between us, I think that my education might in some way intimidate him (I get that a lot)  . He intimidates me because I think he’s so smart and so focused. This is why I am feeling like I will end up stomping on and ruining the whole thing. I live from day to day; perhaps I already have. But yes, maybe. That would be so happy-making, not necessarily even from him but from anyone <3 Thank You again, guys. It seems a little self-serving of me to have posted all of that, but these answers are so consoling. R. |
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