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Post by nmf on Jul 16, 2010 17:08:20 GMT -5
I occurs to me that I spend a disproportionate amount of time comparing myself to other people. It’s like in my head when I meet someone, or even pass them on the street or in the gym, my brain does an automatic comparison—what do they have that I don’t have? Skinnier. Better clothes. Has a house. Has more friends. Has graduate degree. Travels. Has a better job. Has a better looking boyfriend. Is in better shape. Gets to have a glass of wine. Can do things I can’t do. I don’t know how to stop this constant comparison game. I know it can’t be healthy, because I’m always focused on not being the best, or not being good enough. How do I stop this? Why can’t I just be happy with what I do have, with what I have accomplished. Instead I always feel not good enough, not smart enough, not active enough, too awkward, too broken. Why am I always concerned with better than, why have I always considered this invisible scale of good enough, why have I always been looking at comparing resumés. I am so judgemental. I am so very harsh with myself and other people. I don’t want to spend my life looking down on other people and contstantly in this internal conversation of comparison. Why do I need so much to be the best, the smartest in the room, and why do I treat myself like garbage because I can’t seem to measure up. So and so has more money. More more more. A better house, a cleaner house, more stamps in their passport. I have so much to be proud of and I’m just not. Just not. I’m in a position in life where I can make my life even better, but I am so focused on the negative so much of the time. Why is it so hard to be okay with me? I get to the point that I don’t do things around the house because my apartment doesn’t look like Pottery Barn. I don’t know how to stop only getting a emotional high from being better than someone in some way. Even buying stuff, there is this scale of, even if I do feel better from buying things for myself, it’s not nicer or better than I think “other people” have it. I feel so shallow and empty sometimes.
- No More Fear
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Post by messymimi on Jul 16, 2010 17:23:46 GMT -5
Dear NMF,
Our thoughts, like our days, tend to be ruled by habit. Once we get used to a course of action or course of thought, we tend to do it over and over unless we are forced to change or choose to change.
So, the way to deal with this is to start catching these thoughts and shorting them out, and substituting positive thoughts instead.
It takes time and effort to change a habitual train of thought that is so ingrained, but it can be done.
Only you can decide what thoughts you want to substitute for the ones you have. You might want to, every time you look at someone and think "I don't have xxxxxx," stop the thought and substitute a thought about something you are grateful to have.
Yes, at first you will be catching yourself after, maybe even long after, the thought you don't want. Stop yourself whenever you do catch it, and think your positive, and remind yourself that you are going to try to catch them earlier next time.
Eventually you will catch most if not all of them immediately after, then in the middle, and sooner or later, if you keep practicing, you will catch them before they even fully form, or they will stop forming at all.
Thought patterns are habits. Only a new habit can subdue an old habit.
You can do this.
Remember, you are a worthwhile person just because you are. You have your own innate dignity and worth.
messymimi
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Jul 16, 2010 18:37:13 GMT -5
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann |
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Post by puppybox on Jul 16, 2010 19:49:00 GMT -5
this must be very frustrating.
I recommend the book "feeling good" by Dr David Burns. its about curing your own thoughts that keep you in depression, but you don't have to have depression to benefit from it. there is a lot about how you can stop self punnishing thoughts just like these.
You ask why you can't just be happy with your own accomplishments- its because you are looking for an objective standard of worth, and you can't find one, so you use a relative standard of worth- "we both may be terrible or we both may be great, and I seem to have no way to judge, but I can judge how good am I compared to that person based on our accomplishments/looks/etc.". unfortunately there are a lot of people in the world, so to have a sense of self you're always having to redefine your sence of self based on who is around at that moment. this sounds very, very tiring.
consider this: you were born worthy. nothing you do or don't do makes you more worthy. nothing you do or don't do makes you less worthy. same goes for every other person.
I suppose various philosphies or religions can argue this idea, but I find just considering it helps me a lot.
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Post by mouseanne on Jul 17, 2010 9:47:14 GMT -5
 MiSC, my first thought was, " The Desiterata comes to mind"! spot on, messymimi! puppybox, I have not read David Burns. I did recently read "Excuses Begone" Wayne Dyer. That book helped me make a huge mental adjustment. Here is where I have come to, at coming up on age 54: 1. I'd rather be me. 2. I live in my dream house. 3. see my mantra, below  Yea, she is cute, petite & slim. Oh, wait, she's a ***, "I'd rather be me." They have $$$$, o, wait, not the brightest crayon in the box, "I'd rather be me." We tend to "not see" our house as it really is. the piles/ garbage/ whatever just do not register. So, I have started saying to myself, "I live in my dream house". This tells me, look around, and make it so, work toward it. Pretty soon, it will ALL be darling. Not really my dream house. I cannot afford that. But, I own it, me & my buddy, the bank. So, I can deco, plant, etc. and make it what I want it to be. And eventually it WILL be My Dream House. (even if there is not a quilt frame room, a pool table, a pool, and a horse ) If traveling is your goal, animal attrition, I highly recommend it. (as they quit or die.... PS... NOT being flip, I grieve mightily when I lose furfamily) If weight is an issue... put it on your goal list. However, I have found it is possible only to work on one issue at a time. I can dig out house, OR I can pay attention to diet and spend time on exercise, OR I can work on self-improvement (spirituality/ character). NOT all at once. No More Fear, try to bless yourself with peace. messymini was right on target. If you have ever had depression, you will have discovered a big part of that fight is "good mental hygiene", what you allow yourself to think about. When you are dieting, you watch fat/sugar/carbs, these 3. If you are trying to recover from an illness, you focus on healing/nutritional support/medical support. You cant stir the catbox with a fork then eat with that fork & be healthy. It is just not good hygiene. Likewise, you cannot just allow the dark thoughts to run through your mind without making some effort to think differently, if you want to recover from depression. You may not have depression, but what you are allowing yourself to think is hampering your happiness and peace. hugs, my dear!
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Post by moggyfan on Jul 17, 2010 10:17:27 GMT -5
This will sound like a ridiculous cliche, but when I start thinking that way, I say "SHUT UP!" to myself.
Then I remind myself that there are people living without food and water and shelter, in the midst of poverty and violence and war and famine and disease and natural disasters, and I'm bit*hing because my TV is old or I can't afford a new laptop right now or my neighbor has a nicer house than I do?
Oh, pleeeeeease!
It works for me. And it gives me a little poke to count my blessings and send a few more bucks to a good cause.
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Post by def6 on Jul 18, 2010 10:05:09 GMT -5
I think it is normal to compare-but don't forget about comparing yourself to those that don't have it as great as you. There are those who seem to have it better and those who seem to have it worse. We are somewhere in between. Some came into the world broke-some with silver spoons in their mouths. There are so many variables -it's hard to truely compare.
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Post by Rory on Jul 18, 2010 11:19:22 GMT -5
Thank you def6.
I have shelter, food, fresh water, security, good health, access to health services, freedom to practice my religion and comparing myself with so many people in the world who don't have these I am grateful.
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Post by nmf on Jul 18, 2010 13:52:00 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for your replies and they really did help.
I just seem to have no purpose these days and I'm wondering what the point is sometimes.
Got some stuff done in chat today...my sink and stove are shiny!
-NMF
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Post by sparkle on Jul 19, 2010 0:59:02 GMT -5
Perhaps when you catch yourself making comparisons you could say to yourself, "this person/these people have reasons I know nothing about that makes things the way they are". Something like that. Be grateful, be gracious, be patient. It's just a habit and you already know you're not happy with it. Well, what do you know, that's something else to be grateful for!
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Post by zen on Jul 19, 2010 12:31:16 GMT -5
I think i is very commonplace for us to compare - it is one of our unique abilities as humans. that you have noticed that your continual comparing (and finding yourself lacking) can be a great wake up call. A call to treat yourself with more gentleness and care. You are enough, you have enough, right now. Know that each and everyone of us alive feels longing and pain. It is part of the human condition. The folks that you compare yourself to, could just be doing the same thing, and feeling just as poorly. The comparing is mental clutter that does not serve you - you don't need it  A favorite quotes I stumbled across years ago - I committed to memory - author unknown. "If I could but step outside myself
to contemplate the person that I truly am
I would at once
know what envy is."We are so caught up in acquisition, achievement, success in this day and age - we need a new set of metrics. My currency is kindness, what can I do to make someone else's day better and brighter. |
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Post by ponygirl on Jul 19, 2010 13:52:41 GMT -5
"If I could but step outside myself
to contemplate the person that I truly am
I would at once
know what envy is."
I believe we could all benefit from reading this quote daily.
Thanks, Zen.
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