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Post by littleengine on Jul 20, 2010 10:12:08 GMT -5
My husband has always dumped his stuff on the first available flat surface and left it there more-or-less permanently.
I am really getting ticked off about this. I do 98% of the cleaning in our house, and I have been working my tush off to get things decent. I need him to stop dumping his stuff wherever he happens to be standing!
I really need some ideas about how to change his behavior. Here's what HASN'T worked in the past:
1. Talking with him, explaining how hard it is for him to find things and how bad it makes our house look. He agrees with me but does not follow through after a day or so. He always says he is too busy to put stuff away properly.
2. Designating spots for his "stuff" has not worked either. We have tried shelves near the entryway, shelves in the hall closet, boxes in our bedroom, all sorts of things...but he always reverts to dumping his stuff in random spots wherever he happens to be standing.
HELP!!! Ideas???
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Post by eagle on Jul 20, 2010 10:51:13 GMT -5
Littleengine, I know this is difficult and you may not want to hear this, but my advice is 'patience spreckled with loving tolerance' and persistance.
That comes first, because nagging and 'long-suffering' attitudes only make things worse.
Now, I'm not saying just ignore it and leave his messes where ever he drops them. No, I am just saying be kind and loving and patient with him as you gently and patiently move them to another less offensive spot.
So YOU decide where the less offensive spot is, where he can ALWAYS find all those things when he goes looking for them again. If it's a basket or plastic tub or his bedside table or whatever spot is most logical for you (and him), let him know where you moved them when he asks. Be consistant and ALWAYS move them to the same spot. Don't change the spot once you start using it, so choose it well. It needs to be permanent so he gets the idea and learns to go there for his 'misplaced' things.
DON'T put them away for him. That only teaches him it is okay to just drop it anywhere. You may think this 'catch-all spot' says the same thing, but it doesn't. What it tells him is that anything he drops helter-skelter gets moved to this one spot (not put away) for him to sort through later. The 'catch-all spot' may need to be pretty roomy if he has a tendancy to drop all kinds of big things, so plan accordingly.
When it gets so full it is overflowing, ask him to sort through the stuff and put it away where it belongs.
Does he have designated spots for most of this stuff? A tool box in the garage for the tools? A desk area for paperwork, bills or whatever? A coat closet for the coats, hats & gloves? That sort of thing? If yes, then it shouldn't be too hard for him to put them away once he gets around to dealing with the 'catch-all spot', but if not, then they'll just end up piled up forever.
Lead by example. Put everything you use away as soon as you are done with it, especially if he is there. But do it without pomp and circumstance. Don't make a big deal about it, announcing what you are doing for his benefit, as that just sounds like preaching and spouses really don't like being preached at. Maintain a loving and patiently tolerant attitude and eventually he may respond in kind.
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Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2010 11:02:29 GMT -5
deleted for privacy
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Post by Chris on Jul 20, 2010 14:03:41 GMT -5
Little engine, I can only say what's worked for me. When I started de-squaloring my husband was just terrible about dumping and piling his stuff wherever he wanted and I didn't think he'd ever change. I still am surprised that he has changed so much. Some of the change is probably due to the fact that he retired and now he actually has time to go thru his things. I'm assuming your husband probably still works? For that matter I'm sure you work at home and possibly outside your home too? What worked for me was deciding which rooms that I would insist on having a certain way (decent enough for people to come in) and for me that was 3 rooms: Our living room, kitchen and bathroom. Period. He learned way back then not to mess with those 3 rooms. He would find his things heaped elsewhere if he violated those "public" rooms. Another thing that helped me a lot was that we had and still have separate closets, dressers and desks. Period. We can't share. Still, even with all he has improved I can't stand the thought of sharing those 3 areas -- we have separate areas. That's not to say I'm much neater than him these days but I do things so differently it's good for our marriage if we can have our things stored separately in the way we choose to have it. I have found that I could not change my husband -- when he was ready however, he started really getting into sorting his things and organizing. Things definitely got better when I stopped trying to change him and I quit all together with the nagging and bugging him. Again though, I still think in our case his retirement was a big factor. He worked such long hours graveyard shift for the last 14 years of his work life that he was exhausted and dealing with his *stuff* just wasn't going to happen. I never minded doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking --- but I did mind his gosh awful messes and I always worked toward a neater home. I love what Eagle wrote. She's got excellent ideas which really work!!!!!  In my case if I ever threw anything out of my husbands it would really not have gone well for me. It would have been a very bad scene. In fact, after many years he still reminds me that he thinks I threw out a tiny little black batman cape (by mistake if I did do it) and he holds still a mild but persistent grudge about that lost item.  Good luck to you -- ultimately you know your husband and both of your limits in terms of time and energy and space -- so you will be the one to have to come up with a plan that you can live with.    |
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Post by def6 on Jul 20, 2010 14:04:21 GMT -5
take all of his spare change in his pile and keep it-he'll catch on.
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Post by Chris on Jul 20, 2010 14:16:05 GMT -5
<snip> But in the last two years I acquired a crippling incurable disease, have lost my career, miscarried two babies, and now spend most of my day in a wheelchair. I WILL NOT SACRIFICE anything else at this point...I was in squalor, and now I'm out, and I'm going to stay out. For me nothing was a worse indignity than being crippled and trapped all day, every day, in a squalourous house, and I won't have it anymore.<snip> I totally hear you on this. I would feel the same way I believe - if I were in your shoes. You've been thru a lot and the challenge of even maintaining and keeping things organized once you're there is way over other folks' challenge. You can rant here -- this is a safe place!!!!! And I firmly believe that everyone's contributions help us all. Something always clicks from the replies and sometimes it takes seeing someone else's terrible struggle for it to really hit home how important getting control of our homes really is. I think that we as people are way more important than the material object -- especially when things are so out of balance that we function or relax in our homes.  Congratulations by the way for getting control of your home!!!!  |
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Post by Chris on Jul 20, 2010 14:17:04 GMT -5
take all of his spare change in his pile and keep it-he'll catch on.  you made me laugh  edited spelling error  |
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 20, 2010 14:43:38 GMT -5
I realize others here may not like what I have to say in this post....you know the whole "people are more important than stuff" argument.
You're a person, and you are more important than stuff. If he didn't like it, well, it doesn't look like he considers you what you like or not when he refuses to pick up after himself. I'm just amazed that you can still feel affection for someone who put all the work off on you and doesn't seem to care.
I got rid of my husband, not because of squalor (though I couldn't change the living conditions here until I did kick him out) but because of other issues where he simply refused to spare a thought for my feelings. Best decision I ever made--for ME and my daughter. People didn't like that either. They didn't have to live with it!
I'm glad you have the fortitude to keep doing what you need to do to take of YOU.
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 20, 2010 14:49:50 GMT -5
Little Engine,
First, thank you for the laugh. For some reason or another my mind didn't go to the obvious meaning and I thought this post was about your husband's hemorrhoids. I knew I had to read it to see what possible help you might need with that. It's been one of those days.
Second, you really only have two choices and they're both outlined by the other wise folk who have posted here.
1. Give him time to adjust and be patient, and remember than it doesn't happen overnight. Old habits die hard, blah blah blah, and nagging really doesn't work. Be kind and he will eventually catch up.
If that never happens, which is a possibility:
2. Live with it and decide to do it all for your own happiness and satisfaction.
I think it's important to note that #2 is a distinct possibility. They don't all come around, and some only do to a small degree. So in my opinion, it's best to prepared for the idea that you will be the one who does it, and when you're not it will be a lovely surprise. If he comes around, then you'll feel like it's a birthday and a present-giving holiday and income tax refund day all in one.
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Post by messymarie on Jul 20, 2010 21:31:37 GMT -5
Respectfully to the rest of you, but I think this "Be nice, sweet, smiling and patient" stuff is a bunch of crap. You want to make the house better, you are working hard on it, who the hell is he to mess it up?
What I would do is to every time you see a pile of his stuff, stick it in a bag, and put it wherever it is that he prefers to sit. If he simply moves the bag, put it back. After about a week, tell him that either he puts the stuff in the bag wherever it should be, or you will consider it a garbage bag. If he happens to put the stuff in his bag away, find some way to treat him for it. The hope is that he will come to subconsciously associate cleaning with something good.
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Post by littleengine on Jul 21, 2010 11:11:44 GMT -5
Thanks, all, for your advice and humor--much appreciated! Yesterday I begged him to clean out his bedroom closet. While he was cleaning out the closet, he found dozens of items that he had been missing for YEARS. Yay! He was so happy, and I'm hoping that will help motivate him with this whole cleaning thing. Anyway, so now that there is actually workable space in his closet, I'm going to take Eagle's advice and try putting all his smaller dumped stuff into a cardboard box in his closet. Consistently, every single day. My prediction is that it'll become a towering pile of overflowing stuff that he never sorts through. I would love to be wrong though. Regardless, I think it will work well for me, because I won't have to seethe about the disrespect he's showing my hard work, it will be a quick and easy way to stash his piles and move on. Thanks all! |
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