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Post by ghettofabulous on Aug 29, 2008 13:35:59 GMT -5
Hello All,
I am so grateful to have found this place, late last night I found the original squalor site, and have been both relieved and emotional since reading many of the stories posted by the brave individuals combating this demoralizing condition.
I am a 42 year old overworked professional. My parents are both neat-nicks, and I grew up in a house of dust free order. I was always a "slob," my mom finally resigned herself to close my bedroom door after years of fighting and tears yielded no results.
An only child, I've always been overly sentimental when it comes to things, saving scraps of paper with doodles on them, ticket stubs, anything that in my mind represented a bygone memory.
I took some time off of work, which I never do, and decided to spend these 5 days cleaning. I was happy about it, looking forward to it. However, when I started (yesterday,) I was overwhelmed with the emotions and anxiety of throwing things away, namely the gazillion clothes that don't fit me anymore, (but might someday!) I have stuff I haven't worn in sheesh, 15 years, more even!
I confessed to a friend via IM that I was attempting to do this, and what would be his rule of thumb for ditching clothes. He said, well, if you haven't worn it in a year, toss it. The very thought made me sick to my stomach.
I live with a wonderful man, he's a saint, not a neat freak, but a normal person, organized and tidy. He's tried to help me, and I've found myself screeching at him and crying when he tries to throw something away....don't touch that! I've brought things in from the trash, and explained to him that this is a precious thing to me and please don't throw away my stuff. He looks at me with a mixture of confusion and sadness, and I feel like an idiotic jerk.
It's created a problem between us, because naturally he feels like he doesn't have a voice in the house (we live in my rustic, and potentially lovely, charming cabin if I could ever get rid of the clutter.)
Last night I showed him my piles of "someday" clothes, dresses, skirts and other items I wore in my twenties. He gently echoed the sentiments of my other friend, if you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it. He tried to make me laugh by putting on one of the dresses, but you all know, it's not funny, it's no joke, it hurts in a way I can't explain. The longing, the lost opportunities, the time wasted, how can all this be tied into a dress that no longer fits me? Somehow it is.
After reading the squalor conditions last night, I would say I'm hovering between 2 and 3, my man keeps it out of the 3 zone, I've never had an issue with animal poop in the house, but I do have lots of dog hair, and just keeping the trash picked up is an accomplishment, water bottles everywhere, papers and bills scattered, clothes, shoes, gadgets everywhere. Any clean surface quickly becomes piled with crap, photos, cosmetics, self help books, Mardi gras beads, you name it, I've got it.
About 2 in the morning, after perusing the website, while my honey slept on the dog bed on the living room floor because the bed was filled with my clothing piles, I went upstairs and tearfully put the piles of clothes that didn't fit into trash bags for the church. I filled 3 hefty bags from what was on the bed alone.
As I placed each article in the bag, some of which I'd never worn, I felt like I was saying, well, you'll never be skinny again, you'll never be stylish again, you'll never learn how to salsa dance, you're closing the door to the world of possibilities.
But that's not true, is it? It's just my mind playing another dirty trick on me. I am not my things, and they are not me. Throwing away an article I never liked simply because a deceased loved one gave it to me is not putting that loved one in the trash, which I think is how I always equated it. That by tossing that thing, I was somehow dishonoring their memory.
I have renovated and lived in my cabin for 18 years and my parents have never been inside, not once, even though they only live 20 minutes away. They've been on the property, my mom is dying to come in, but the shame I feel is palpable, it will never be clean enough to have mom over is what I tell myself. I've emailed her photos when I refinished the floors, when I installed french doors, carefully orchestrated photos that don't show the real picture, rather a snapshot of what I think she will accept.
How nutty is that? She knows me, she loves me, she accepts me, yet, I cannot accept myself. I have built a seemingly successful life that is in failure mode, by my own hand. To those of you that are young, in your early 20's, do not do as I have done, summon the strength and courage to remedy this condition, and don't waste your precious life energy hiding a problem like this, we need people in our lives, we don't need to hide like bugs under a rock.
I went on a business trip to Las Vegas in January, and against my better judgment, allowed my boyfriend to stay in the house and dog sit, rather than go to his brother's place. His brother works in a mattress factory, so as a surprise, he bought me a new bed, and had his dad, uncle and brother bring the new bed in, and maneuver it up my narrow cabin steps.
He also took it upon himself to clear out an "office" room I have, carefully boxing every item up, not throwing a scrap out, and painted the room, in a color I had selected and purchased. His uncle owed him some money, so he had the uncle help him do this work so they would be squared up. He busted his butt, worked every spare minute over the course of 4 or 5 days while I was gone, to give me a surprise, and to make me happy.
What did I feel? Betrayal. I had left him specific instructions that no one was to be permitted in the house, and what did he do? He had half his family over! What did they see, I kept asking myself, what did they think? All of his hard work, his act of sincere kindness, how did I repay it? "I trusted you!" I exclaimed. I'll never forget the hurt look in his eyes, the disappointment. I'll never forgive myself...more guilt...more shame.
We both work nearby, and as I have this time off, he came home for lunch, I fixed him something to eat. I then told him about this website, what I had learned, and explained that I have this hoarding issue. I want this man to have a voice here, I want this to be our house, not my house in which he is a guest that can't touch anything. When I explained the various squalor symptoms/conditions, he said, that's you, you have that, you do that! With my heart in my hands, I asked if he would once again try to help me get rid of the crap, and apologized for protecting something I cannot define, something that doesn't exist.
I believe in possibilities. I believe that we can define and redefine ourselves at will. I believe that it's never too late. I believe that beneath the ghetto, I am fabulous, that we all are. If anyone has made it to the end of this post, thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. I hope that we can all unburden ourselves from the past, in order to clearly live in the now.
Hoping to send you more Postcards from the Edge, I respectfully remain,
GhettoFabulous
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Post by heylady1 on Aug 29, 2008 14:57:05 GMT -5
Welcome to the board Ghettofabulous!!!  Are you a professional writer? If not, you should be!!!  I also believe it's never too late to change....this is what this site is all about. Glad you found us! 
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Post by moonglow on Aug 29, 2008 15:45:39 GMT -5
What a beautiful, articulate, engaging story. Yes I too believe that people can remake themselves, and that we are all fabulous at our deepest core. You already show great insight and courage, so I have no doubt that you can walk this path.  |
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Post by messymimi on Aug 29, 2008 16:26:42 GMT -5
Welcome, ghettofabulous ! You will never cease to remake yourself, none of us will. Throw away the shame, for there is no shame in having a problem, it is just human. Go ahead and take some dance lessons, and take your Sweetie with you! I'm looking forward to getting to *know* you  . messymimi |
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jgarcia71
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 3
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Post by jgarcia71 on Aug 29, 2008 17:29:43 GMT -5
wow! that sounds like me! you are not alone! i am unburying myself and my family trash bag full by trash bag full. one at a time. i know it is overwhelming! i know the feeling of sleeping restlessly because the stress of having clutter all around you, the feeling of embarrassement when an unexpected visitor comes to the door and you carefully squeeze past a hardly open door to visit with them in the front yard, because God forbid they should see your house! also the lack of counter, table and shelf space because so much stuff is piled everywhere! i feel trapped in my home and just wish i could burn the house down and start over! (i really would never do that though) i too am so glad we have this website where we can find others who have the same problem and can seek help and support! God bless!
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Post by crazycatlady on Aug 29, 2008 21:51:48 GMT -5
 W00t w00t on letting clothes go! That is amazing!
I'm very proud of you for fighting back against the thoughts that say you must keep the stuff. Wonderful work on letting some go!
When we were dating, my hubby bought a used table for me. I was surprised to come home and find it in my house. Then I asked how it got there, and found that his Dad had helped bring it inside!  I felt like he would think that I couldn't keep a house, and wouldn't be able to take care of his son after we married! It was hard to let go of the shame of having my mess witnessed. But we really enjoyed that table for years!
It is not too late to let your boyfriend know that although you were hurt that others came inside, you really do appreciate the gift of his time and effort to fix a lovely space for you.
Welcome, I hope that you keep posting!
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Post by ghettofabulous on Aug 30, 2008 11:52:13 GMT -5
Hello, and thank you for the warm welcome! I am feeling very positive about making a dent in this mess over the weekend, letting go of the shame and embarrassment is very liberating, as messymimi suggested, to embrace it as I have is crippling. Thanks to the non judgmental camaraderie of the website, with so much encouragement, I was actually able to laugh at myself yesterday, when I opened my nightstand drawer and found it stuffed with ticket stubs (some from 1985) and colorful plastic dinosaurs.....mind you, I don't have any children, so why I found it necessary to hoard little plastic dinosaurs is beyond me. Perhaps I thought that in a post apocalyptic society I would need them as a visual aid to explain to children the Mesozoic Era,  . They are all in the trash now, poor buggers. Crazy as it sounds, a part of me feels sorry for them! The boyfriend just left with 4 large trash bags full of clothing (sniff) for the church, and I've packed 3 large trash bags of junk and trash. This is all from the bedroom. Now that I've gotten rid of 7 bags of stuff, all the baskets, stack shelving, racks etc., are empty, and I am now eying them suspiciously as potential "trash" as well. How much money have I spent on failed organizational tools, such as baskets, shelves, etc? Not gonna think about it! I've been telling myself through this purging process, If you were on a sinking ship, and could bring one item with you on the lifeboat, would it be this? If the answer is a resounding "no" off it goes into the trash pile. Perhaps a little extreme, but I've discovered in this process that I'm surrounded by things I do not love, in fact, I don't even LIKE the furniture in my bedroom!! Why do I have it? It's like I'm still in the mindset of a college student who takes hand-me-downs and trash picks furniture, because I can't afford to buy/acquire something that not only functions in a way I need it to, and is aesthetically pleasing to me. An 18 year old is setting my standards, and that kid is long gone, that kid has long since fallen in and out of love with Prince Andrew and Eddie Van Halen, she's gone, and this wiser, smarter, seasoned woman with a soft spot for Russell Crowe is here instead. So I tossed the clothes and plastic dinosaurs of that kid, and when the mess is gone, so too will follow the furniture. A new beginning. I suppose I'll miss that girl, hopefully she'll visit when it's time for those Salsa lessons, Lord knows I'll need her energy. Thank you all, hoping to send you more Postcards from the Edge, GhettoFabulous |
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Post by pegasus48 on Aug 30, 2008 23:44:54 GMT -5
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Post by AnnieOkie on Sept 2, 2008 12:41:59 GMT -5
Hi GhettoFabulous!! Welcome!! Thank you for writing down some of the feelings that I have about my "stuff". I have been working on writing my own introduction to this board and cannot truly find the words I need to tell my story. You have put into words what I know a lot of us here are going through. Just know that you are on your way girl!! Glad to hear about your progress. Hang in there and you can get it done! Annie |
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Post by anonymoose on Sept 2, 2008 16:28:36 GMT -5
I really identified with a lot of the things that you said - being overly sentimental, objects representing missed opportunities - wow. Anyway, welcome and congratulations on all the progress you've already made!
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Post by Vivre on Sept 4, 2008 20:38:13 GMT -5
i understand so deeply. It is as if you transcribed my thoughts... always here to help if I can |
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Post by nighthorses on Sept 6, 2008 20:50:52 GMT -5
<The longing, the lost opportunities, the time wasted, how can all this be tied into a dress that no longer fits me? Somehow it is.> Yes, & maybe it is time to let go of all that negative stuff, sweetie.
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satori
New Member
Joined: September 2008
Posts: 7
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Post by satori on Sept 15, 2008 2:02:09 GMT -5
You go girl! you can do it! I'm new here too, my house bounces between a 1 and 3, the 1 is I'll admit, my fault and it doesn't bug me all that much. The 2 & 3 is the result of my 8 yr old who can turn it into a 3 in just a couple of days (like if I get sick). A 2 is just a normal play day for her:( I've gotten some ideas tonight and going to try making some more changes. Lets hope we both get our mess under control! |
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Post by ghettofabulous on Sept 19, 2008 11:10:25 GMT -5
Hello to All! I just wanted to write an update to my story, since joining the SoS website 3 weeks ago. First of all, I would like to say that this is the most caring, non-judgmental, encouraging and supportive group of people on the planet! Thank you all, for the support you have given and continue to give to me, and the other community members. The SoS website has been truly life transforming for me. Listening to other people's stories, seeing my own twisted patterns, and verbalizing/giving shape to what was formerly just an emotional, guilt ridden fog, gave clarity to so many parts of my situation. So week one, I took 4 days to declutter my bedroom, as in a prior post getting rid of countless items. 7 Hefty bag size trash bags gone. The racks where I had piled other stuff are also dismantled, getting rid of my stuff meant I didn't need them. I haven't re-cleaned this room, I have done 2 loads of wash a week, which is all I have, there are some things starting to accumulate on the floor. So, I realize that my system for my clothes needs adjustment. I dress very informally during the day, I get very messy at my job so I'm constantly looking for my "work" clothes. I need to store them in a better spot, easier to grab, rather that rifling through a ton of stuff I would wear out to dinner. I'm going to do that tonight, tweak my bedroom system. In week 1, I spent the 4th and 5th day (labor day) cleaning my "office" room, piled high with all kinds of crap. That room still isn't done, but I threw out at least 5 large trash bags from there, and made a few boxes of stuff to sell, and gave away some new things that I never used ( i must have had like 300 candles, no idea why I compulsively bought/hoarded them.) This room is very draining, it is my memorabilia mausoleum, I've saved every letter/postcard/greeting card I've ever received. This room will take me a while to do, lots of emotional baggage there. On labor day, after cleaning all morning/afternoon, I went to a barbecue at my mom's, and smoked my last cigarette on the way to her house....so I haven't had a cigarette in 18 days!! Woo hoo! Not only that, but when I got to my mom's I confessed to her that I was a hoarder, and had this problem, CHAOS and all that. When I told her about the hoarding, she said, "my mother had that," and was very understanding about how I felt emotional attachment to objects. She told me I had been that way since I was a child, which I knew, but I never thought she noticed, or just thought I was a slob. When I told her I had CHAOS, she beamed and said, Hey! Does that mean I can come over? When!! I cannot tell you what a weight had been lifted off my shoulders at that moment. I was "out of the closet" so to speak. During the next few days, the workweek, I didn't do too much, threw away a few things, kept the trash out, enjoyed my new bedroom, hey whats that big thing?? That's the FLOOR! Wow,... The next weekend,however, I tackled my DESK, what a job! I have the officey room upstairs, still too cluttered to use, downstairs in my living room I have a computer armoire, which I bought thinking I could hide my clutter, and it just got to the point where I couldn't even close the doors, it was jammed with crap/trash. I cleaned that out completely, and organized all my bills, got everything up to date, I still need to come up with some kind of system for paperwork, I have lots of that stored in file boxes. I found 5 PAIRS of nail clippers in my desk, how many does one person need at their fingertips...especially when they get professional manicure/pedicure?? Ok, I'm nutty, I know. So I got rid of them, and also about a zillion ashtrays!! No more ciggie butts all over the place. I am delighted to report that my computer armoire system WORKS! No adjustment necessary, last weekend I paid my bills neatly, and on time, and got rid of the paperwork on the spot. I also tackled the spillover zones, which were 2 tables I had next to the computer armoire to handle all the overflow....they are no longer needed! This took me an entire weekend to do, and I'm telling you, every half hour I was here on SoS looking for encouragement! It worked! Last weekend, I completely dismantled my kitchen. I mean took every single thing out of every cupboard, all of it! My boyfriend and I worked on it for 3 days relentlessly. I live in a cabin, and have a tiny tiny kitchen, smallest kitchen in the world really. I have a base cabinet with 3 drawers, one for silverware, the other drawers can accept baking dishes/pots. The problem was that mice had gotten in there, so I hadn't used them in the longest time, it was all poopy in there with remnants of mouse poison. We took the drawers completely out, and filled in with wood and caulked everything closed so they can't get back in. I'll always have a problem with mice, my little cabin is very rustic, so when the weather changes, they get in, I've been trying to seal things up, but any little knothole in my plank floor is like a highway to them. Anyway, after caulking, I cleaned the crap out of those drawers with pine sol, and Formula 409. They cleaned up beautifully, I put liner paper in, and hey, my silverware is in the silverware drawer now! Imagine that! Not strewn all over the table, or stored in pots in the stove! I have one 30 inch by 30 inch cabinet with glass doors, and 2 30 inch by 15 inch "over the stove" type cabinets, and that's it! Oh, and I have a base cabinet under the sink that was also moused up, which we disinfected, caulked and organized. So, my boyfriend does not drink coffee (and I'm the weirdo?) and he doesn't like coffee mugs (??) he prefers glasses. I had no less than 40 coffee mugs....he suggested I get rid of some of them, like maybe 35 of them. My reaction? you guessed it, freak out time! Quick! Get over to SoS! Calmed myself down, admitted that he was right, and gleaned it down to 11 mugs. That's the best I could do ! The rest I gave away to his brother, who apparently appreciates the diversity of the coffee mug. I got rid of countless chipped and cracked plates, got it down to 8 plates, and found a home for my appliances, a real challenge in a small kitchen. But I did it, I'm doing it, I can see the difference, it's amazing, its coming together little by little! This weekend, I'm going to tweak the bedroom, and mop my downstairs floor. I can't believe it, my downstairs is actually presentable now....sure I need to mop, there's mystery goo caked onto the kitchen floor, but there won't be come Sunday. How many people bought a Roomba/Scooba thinking this was the answer to all our prayers? I know I did, but the problem is that you can't have a ton of crap in the way or Roomba has no where to go. With a little more work, Roomba may be able to do his job as originally intended!! So that's been the past 3 weeks for me, sorry to be so long winded, but it's been a very positive time of change, and it feels great to see something happen. I have a LONG way to go (basement packed with junk, not to mention an entire other building, we'll get into that later) but I can baby step it, and so can we all. It's so nice to sit and have a quiet cup of coffee in the morning with one of my 11 mugs and look around and not see the filth. It's a great feeling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A postcard of Gratitude from the Edge, GhettoFabulous |
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Post by AnnieOkie on Sept 19, 2008 12:55:55 GMT -5
Hey there!! Thanks for the update and congrats on your hard work!! Mega kudos for quitting smoking! Your story about your coffee mugs made me laugh out loud!!! I probably have at least 20 and we haven't used one since hot cocoa season last year!! You inspire me!! Don't be a stranger. |
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