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Post by AnnieOkie on Sept 3, 2008 14:58:57 GMT -5
I've been here for several weeks now, but I guess I am ready to tell a little bit more about myself. Not that I think my story is all that interesting, but that maybe something about my story will help others here.
I am 46-year-old divorced mother of two sons. My parents divorced when I was 10. When I was 12, my mother just couldn't make it anymore, so we moved across the country to be near her family. We left a LOT of belongings when we moved and I think that affected me a lot. We didn't have much for several years. Mom really never made me do much housekeeping, but I did learn some things. We never had much squalor that I can remember, but I do remember her being embarrassed for me to have friends/boyfriends over because she was ashamed of what we did have.
I moved back across the country when I was 20...on a whim and remain in the same city I came to in 1982. I got my first job in my chosen career and made pretty good money for someone straight out of school. I bought a lot of clothes and things that young women like and I think as I accumulated things, I didn't really know what to do with them. I married at 23 and we moved the next year into a small house that I kept fairly clean. The stuff continued to accumulate. I was also married to an alcoholic/drug user who did not help me with any housework. We had one son and his room began to fill up with things, too. When I was pregnant with our second son, we moved into a 2800 sf house and continued to accumulate things, never getting rid of anything.
I think making a good living and not really knowing how to spend money wisely just caused me to buy a lot of things that I didn't need. We always struggled to get anything when I was a teenager, it was nice to be able to buy things I needed or just wanted. I just didn't know what to do with them when I was finished with them. I guess having been without kept me from wanting to get rid of these things I had now.
My mother died in 2001. We were very close. It took me a month to clean out her one bedroom apartment. Not because it was full, but I just couldn't do it. No one helped me, but I just finally got it done. I carted what I needed to keep to my garage and there it sat.
I divorced my husband in 2004 (we separated at the end of 2003). I let him have the house after me and the boys moved out. (During our divorce he came into our house and took pictures of the mess I kept the house in....he never helped me keep it up when he lived there, but it was all MY mess to show to the judge, that was scary. DHS even paid me a visit on the advice of his attorney, but I luckily had one day's warning and was able to make it presentable. This mess was nothing compared to what I have had lately.) We share joint custody of our sons. I had to pack up all of our stuff, I didn't get rid of much and just moved it all into the smaller house I rented and some of it into the storage building behind the house. I brought bags of dirty and outgrown clothes that are still sitting in my laundry room.
I kept the house in presentable shape for a while. Although I only hung up one curtain in the entire place. I still haven't hung pictures that I would like to put up.
I also filed for bankruptcy.
I think one of the main things that caused me to kind of grind to a halt was a shoulder injury I obtained while working. It wasn't a severe injury, but went on for a while before it was found that I had a torn rotator cuff. I underwent surgery to repair it and from that point on, I don't know, I just seemed to give up on life. I didn't go to work when I should. I used my shoulder as an excuse although it was healing. I finally got myself fired. All the while, my house was just piling up and I didn't care. I could not find a job, I thought my reputation in my field had been ruined for good. Finally, almost a year later (I did work a couple of part time jobs making much less than I was used to), I found a good job, but it was an hour's drive one way. I drove 100 miles a day to get back and forth to that job. It helped me get my confidence back, but meanwhile, my house was still a mess and getting worse. One day, my ex told me that my son had told him he was embarrassed to have friends over (what he didn't say was that I wouldn't let them, because of the mess) and I was afraid he would call DHS again. This from a man who hired a maid service to clean his home for him. He never helped me or offered a maid service for me when we were married and I was busy trying to raise our sons and keep our house and work. After a few weeks, he assured me he wouldn't call them. I still didn't get my house cleaned up. I don't know why.
In 2007 my Dad died and that just added to my grief and sadness over everything.
In November of 2007, I got a great job just 8 miles from my house. It was a God-send and things have continued to look more rosy than they have in a long time. Throughout all of this, I have had the support of a wonderful man that I met just after separating from my ex-husband. He has been so wonderful throughout all of my troubles. I have just recently explained to him about my squalor (I still find it hard to swallow that word and have used any word but the s-word) and about this site and how finding it has given me a place to be accountable and to share. He is supportive and understands that I need to get my life and my home in order. He doesn't have the same issues as I do, although he does allow the animal hair, etc. to build up in his house. He was in the military and his house is very spartan and not much gets moved around. If only we could control the animal hair!!
Anyway, that is it in a nutshell. I cannot tell you all how lucky I feel to have found this place. In a way it makes me sad that I could not do this on my own. But for whatever reason that we are the way we are, this is a place for us and I am so thankful for all of you. No judgment, but accountability. Words of encouragement and pats on the back when needed. I'm glad I'm here!!
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Post by iprocrastinate on Sept 3, 2008 15:12:38 GMT -5
 Hi Annie, Thanks for sharing your story. I understand well about buying things because you now can. My particular bent is to buy things I think I might use just because they're marked down by 80% or more. My dad was a bargain shopper and compulsive shopper and I inherited the trait. I'm slowly getting better and not buying anywhere near as much as I used to. My mom was not a great housekeeper and we frequently had crisis cleaning when someone was coming. Otherwise I had few regular chores or routines. I inherited that trait from her One substitute I have is that I have a friend who is financially crunched and I enjoy buying things I know she needs, like cat food, litter, coffee, etc. It lets me help someone without adding to my own problem.
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Post by pegasus48 on Sept 3, 2008 18:31:51 GMT -5
Annie, I'm glad you told your story. It's funny but I see a part of myself in each story that is told. There are so many things we S.O.S.'ers have in common. I never learned to clean house as a kid, and I sure don't know what to do with the stuff I have now. I have been working my way out of squalor (still an ongoing process), and I think with your shorter commute you will dig your way out too. How great that you found an understanding guy! |
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 4, 2008 13:12:24 GMT -5
I'm glad you're here too Annie!!! It helps so much to have someone to support your efforts whether it's in real life or on the net. I know that without my hubby's support and the people here, I would be in much, much worse shape!! I'm sorry to hear about your parents passing  even though it's expected that your parents will go before you, it's still very, very hard to deal with.  But I am so very glad that things are finally getting better for you!! You deserve it!!!  |
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Post by crazycatlady on Sept 5, 2008 20:47:18 GMT -5
I'm glad that you are here, too, Annie! Thank you for sharing your story.
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Post by ghettofabulous on Sept 20, 2008 15:58:11 GMT -5
Hi Annie,
Referring to your issues with the S word, you say, " In a way it makes me sad that I could not do this on my own."
As soon as I read that line, I went back and reread your post, and it struck me, what HAVEN'T you done on your own? You have played every role, from daughter, to, breadwinner, to caregiver, to mother, wife, drug interventionist, defense attorney. You've had some tough situations, and you have risen to meet the challenge of each one.
I think you must be an extremely strong woman, and from what I've seen of your posts, you have genuine compassion and kindness for others.
Your ex is history, and it sounds like your boys are out on their own now. You are 46 years young, with a military boyfriend I hope you can bounce quarters off of. You're here, realizing that you've been dragging around portions of your life with you, quite literally, and it seems you are ready to rid yourself of this burden.
Annie, I sincerely believe this is YOUR time to shine, its YOUR turn now, and I hope that you will reunite with who Annie is, rekindle a sense of pride in yourself, and grab the world by the garbanzos.
You can do it, you have done it, and you will do it!
GhettoFabulous
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Post by AnnieOkie on Sept 23, 2008 9:47:41 GMT -5
Thanks to all of you for the words of encouragement! Ghettofabulous.....your words make me feel like SuperWoman!! I appreciate it so much!!
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clocker
New Member
Joined: September 2008
Posts: 4
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Post by clocker on Sept 24, 2008 1:04:06 GMT -5
Hi AnnieOkie,
I feel for you. We all suffer, and don't know why we can't just make a nice living environment for ourselves. This is a great place to get help and reinforcement that we are not "alone."
Little tricks that I've used include: Station a big trash can in your living room, and don't dare put anything on the floor, or on a table that you know is trash. Put in in that can. Place a little sign that says "don't walk out without a bag or a box!" on my front door. Buy a bunch of boxes and put your "keeper" stuff into them, then get them out, and into the garage.
Yes, the garage gets full, but if you are honest with yourself on what constitutes trash vs. keeper, it should stay manageable. Then, go through the "keeper" boxes and evaluate... Give it to charity if you really don't want it! (that is my plan anyway, I haven't reached this level yet...)
Once the garbage is out and you can move around, clean one hour a day, one spot at a time.
Hang in there!
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