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Post by roseoftexas on Sept 4, 2008 9:48:25 GMT -5
Hi everybody!  Saveit posted at the end of the thread where I had expressed feeling violated over my parents' recent actions. She could relate to my situation but also expressed a bit of a dilemma of her own. I hate to see her struggles 'fall through the cracks' at the end of that thread, so I'm starting a new thread for her - with a few breaks in between the paragraphs for easier reading, (hope that's ok with you, Saveit)  - welcome to our community!
Rose I recently joined about a week ago. I used other sites in the past and I believe this one is really about me.
I had a very bad experience about 4 yrs ago. I took a job in another state and left behind my home that I lived in for 20 yrs.
Well I have to tell you that I left a key for my loving overpowering sister to take care of things.
Yes her husband was mowing the grass but the nosy neighbor next door that I had trouble with was a painter and he would empty the buckets of water that he cleaned his brushes in on the side of my house. Not only did he pour the water I'm my yard but I truly believe that he was using my water to wash the brushes. I would always find the paint near my hose.
Well to try to make this as short as possible that jerk starting talking to my brother-in-law and make a deal that he would mow my lawn if he could dump a huge truckload of dirt on the side of my house. So one day I go back to my house and find this pile of dirt and he says that my brother-in-law gave him permission.
That is just the beginning, my sister takes both her kids, her husband, herself, my brother, my brothers boy and a friend over to my house without telling me.
They cut down all the trees that needed to be trimmed, instead of trimming them. They rented a dumpster and threw out a whole industrial dumpster of things.
My sister didn't tell me until after they did this. I cant even tell you how if felt. And I think the wonderful people here know what I am talking about.
Now the house is sold and I bought a house where I live. My sister came a few weeks after I moved in and started cleaning up again when I went outside to work in the yard. She had just given me some money so I didn't say much.
But then the next time she came to visit she brought her daughter and when I went to the grocery store to get them some food they were putting up some shelves. And after I got back my sister goes off on me that I should be ashamed of living like I do.
And she says "whose house looks better mine or yours" and of course I just say yours and go I'm my room and cry. Needless to say I have not invited her back again [actually that time she invited herself]
Several times she has asked for a key to my house because if something happens she would need to get in and I told her then the police would have to tear down the doors if I am dead inside. Also she said that she wants to come to help me with my mess and said that she doesn't want me to complain if she throws things away.
Oh boy.......guess what I keep making excuses for her not to come. I told her that I would need to take time off of work and she politely says that she could clean when I am at work.
I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out.
I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff.
Sorry this is so long but there is so much to the story
SaveitRose I recently joined about a week ago. I used other sites in the past and I believe this one is really about me. I had a very bad experience about 4 yrs ago. I took a job in another state and left behind my home that I lived in for 20 yrs. Well I have to tell you that I left a key for my loving overpowering sister to take care of things. Yes her husband was mowing the grass but the nosy neighbor next door that I had trouble with was a painter and he would empty the buckets of water that he cleaned his brushes in on the side of my house. Not only did he pour the water I'm my yard but I truly believe that he was using my water to wash the brushes. I would always find the paint near my hose. Well to try to make this as short as possible that jerk starting talking to my brother-in-law and make a deal that he would mow my lawn if he could dump a huge truckload of dirt on the side of my house. So one day I go back to my house and find this pile of dirt and he says that my brother-in-law gave him permission. That is just the beginning, my sister takes both her kids, her husband, herself, my brother, my brothers boy and a friend over to my house without telling me. They cut down all the trees that needed to be trimmed, instead of trimming them. They rented a dumpster and threw out a whole industrial dumpster of things. My sister didn't tell me until after they did this. I cant even tell you how if felt. And I think the wonderful people here know what I am talking about. Now the house is sold and I bought a house where I live. My sister came a few weeks after I moved in and started cleaning up again when I went outside to work in the yard. She had just given me some money so I didn't say much. But then the next time she came to visit she brought her daughter and when I went to the grocery store to get them some food they were putting up some shelves. And after I got back my sister goes off on me that I should be ashamed of living like I do. And she says "whose house looks better mine or yours" and of course I just say yours and go I'm my room and cry. Needless to say I have not invited her back again [actually that time she invited herself] Several times she has asked for a key to my house because if something happens she would need to get in and I told her then the police would have to tear down the doors if I am dead inside. Also she said that she wants to come to help me with my mess and said that she doesn't want me to complain if she throws things away. Oh boy.......guess what I keep making excuses for her not to come. I told her that I would need to take time off of work and she politely says that she could clean when I am at work. I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out. I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff. Sorry this is so long but there is so much to the story Saveit 
Second, have you identified what degree of squalor you are living in?
Here is a page that can help you figure out where you 'fit' on the squalor scale: www.squalorsurvivors.com/squalor/measuring.shtml
Figuring out what degree of squalor you're living in and posting about that here will go a long way into helping us help you figure out the best possible ways to attack your problem and deal with your sister's domineering ways.
You are not alone.
A woman named Cynthia Lester did a documentary about her mother, which sounds eerily similar (in some ways) to what happened to you.
Here is the trailer to the documentary called My Mother's Garden, if you can watch Google videos:
www.seethrough-films.com/mmg/trailer.html
I checked on Amazon and did not see anything about this documentary being mass-produced for sale.
I would really love to see the whole thing because the ending of the trailer... is very sad. 
We have discussed this movie trailer several times on the old SS forum, but our newer members on SOS may not be familiar with it. It seems so similar to what happened to you that I felt it worth bringing up again - most of all so that you can know that you are not alone. And, perhaps that trailer is something you could show your sister. This thread. These stories.
We must stand up for ourselves. Even though I don't get along with my mother in the best of ways, she's said a lot of wise things over the years - one of those being, "If you don't stand up for yourself, nobody else will." And in many ways, that's true.
I know there is a very fine line here - a tightrope, so to speak. Our loved ones worry about us and (hopefully) want the best for us. And yes, we all need and/or want to do something about our situations. That's why we're all here. The key is action. And I myself am going to have to start taking some more action, as I have been sitting here reading and writing and laughing and joking online all night when I actually have a very big problem on my hands right now that I have got to address soon.
So please forgive me if I'm unable to return and post more as I try to confront my own situation, but hopefully my comments might help steer you in the right direction. And perhaps one of the mods might be able to move your post off this thread and start a new one on the General Board so your own particular situation can get more attention.
Best to you,
Rose |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 4, 2008 22:53:32 GMT -5
- I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out.
I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff.
Saveit Dear Saveit, Welcome! Many of us understand what it's like to feel paralyzed by the mess. You have great goals .... but maybe the thought of 50 bags is overwhelming? Sometimes, the bigger the goal, the bigger the paralysis. We have a saying here ... I first heard Margaret say it on the old board ... I don't know where it came from ... but the saying is "Motivation FOLLOWS action". It sounds weird, I know. So ... why not do some small tiny thing, just to get started. Perhaps... just get a plastic shopping bag/sack that you have lying around from a trip to the store ... and bring it over to the computer. Then take a breath. That's all. Step 2: Sit in your computer chair, near us, knowing we are cheering you on through the screen .... and pick up a few pieces of trash that are nearby and obvious and put them in that bag. Then take another breath. That's all. Step 3: Come back here and talk to us in whatever way you can manage. Either type a reply to this message ... or if that's too hard, just talk out loud as if we can hear you. Step 4: Have some water to drink and pat yourself on the back. Step 5: Forget counting steps ! Don't think about it too much. But ... every time you pick up one piece of trash, you begin to get the momentum going. And ... slowly ... the paralysis dissolves. It sounds slow... and it is ... .but ... eventually you'll be ready to go faster ... when you're ready. No two people are the same. Hugs, Lioness - |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 4, 2008 23:08:48 GMT -5
- Another idea is ... Select a tiny sector of a room ... perhaps a one-foot by one-foot square. You could cordon it off with "crime scene tape"  ... or ribbon, or string ... or your imagination. Some people choose a square of linoleum flooring, or a section of the pattern of the carpet (which works only if you can actually see the floor!). Other people take a camera (without taking a photo) and just look through the viewer and randomly select the tiny area that is visible through the viewer. Once you've selected that tiny area, see if you can clear it. You'll need to have a bag for trash, and a box for "To sort later". It's amazing how inspiring one square foot of empty floor can be! This is just another way of activating oneself .... that isn't too overwhelming .... and shows a good obvious result ... which cheers you on and encourages you. The key is to not look at the WHOLE mess, because whenever we look at the WHOLE ENTIRE MESS ... all we want to do is cry on the couch. So pick one small place, and start, and celebrate a small victory. - |
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Post by cando on Sept 5, 2008 1:50:46 GMT -5
Hi Saveit. Hope you continue to read and post on this website. The people here are incredible!!! Also, you might want to try the Listzilla threads. One in particular comes to mind... Working in threes. (WITS). The greatest rule about Listzilla is that there are no rules. Just jump in however you want...you can even "Work in ones". Just join in on the working in threes thread and work in one mode instead or start a seperate thread of Working in ones". There are no rules!!! Welcome. CD  |
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zeeky
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 38
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Post by zeeky on Sept 5, 2008 1:56:23 GMT -5
Oh dear ... I'm feeling such anger at your heartless sister that I can barely type!!
I suspect that it's her own inferiority complex talking -- she's so desperate for a reason to feel "superior" to you that she'll take anything she can get ... but if she doesn't like the "way you live", why doesn't she stay the hell out of your house??
Grrr ... strangers are one thing, but family -- people who claim to love & accept you -- can be so horrible sometimes!!
Don't let her make you feel ashamed. Yes, clean your home if the mess makes you unhappy, but do it for YOU -- not for her, okay??
BIG HUGS!!
zeeky
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Post by anonymoose on Sept 5, 2008 8:46:21 GMT -5
YARGH! Family. That's all I can say - you love them, you don't want to hurt them even when you DO want to hurt them (hope that makes sense), but wow...I'm sorry she's giving you such a hard time right now.
If you need to avoid her for now, that's okay - it doesn't make you a bad sister. Make sure she knows you love her, but don't let her walk all over you.
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Post by Platypus on Sept 5, 2008 9:26:39 GMT -5
Hi Saveit, Welcome. I had relatives put my whole life in a dumpster, including photos, baby mementos, etc etc. As they did not have permission to be there (long story, my nephews from my sister who were going to rent my house while I was away, got in early, threw everything out, including a beautiful Australian Aboriginal painting that I bought directly from the artist.) I reported them to the police! I don't say you should go that far with your sister, but I can really relate to thoughtless rellies. One thing that works for me is concentrating on categories. I get all the clothes out of the room, or all the books, or magazines, or empty boxes or shoes etc. So I am not working on an area but a specific item. As I pull this out, I have bags for tossing out and donating, boxes for stuff to be kept (or laundry basket for washing). I don't make new piles, it goes into something, even if it is only cardboard boxes. Sometimes I Will do a real sort out as I go, eg filing papers or I will put it in boxes so I know generally where stuff is. I find it is a good idea to label the boxes. I find getting cloth out really reduces piles of stuff. Clothes, linen etc can go to the laundry or get put in baskets for the Laundromat visit if you have to take it out. Sometimes I even go to the laundromat, even though I have a washer because I can get more done and as it is out of the house I can face doing a big pile of stuff. Different methods work for different people, it is a matter of finding the best for you.
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Post by mouse on Sept 5, 2008 9:27:28 GMT -5
Yeesh, sounds like you have your hands full with that sister. Ah, family: can't live with them, can't find enough places to hide the bodies...  Lioness had some good points for starting out. I also highly recommend the Working in Threes threads in ListZilla: I find that even when I'm at my worst in terms of demotivation and squalor, WITs lets me feel as though I'm getting something accomplished, even if it's as "silly" as throwing out a wrapper or wiping down five square inches of countertop. Best of luck! ~Mouse |
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 5, 2008 13:29:14 GMT -5
Mouse wrote:Thanks Mouse! I choked on my drink when I read that!!  Saveit, I am so sorry to hear about your Sister doing that to you. I know I would be furious if someone came into my home and started tossing things no matter how good their intentions. How do they know what is really important to me and what isn't? I bet your Sister wouldn't like it if you went to her house and started throwing her things away. I would not give her a key!! Stand your ground on this!! I don't know if you feel you can stand up to her but if you could, you should tell her why you don't want her to have a key. Let her know that the only person who can deal with this is you. That until you are ready and able to do this, it won't change anything. Boy can I relate to being paralyzed!!  I was stuck over 2 bags of doritos so what can I tell you! I do know that one of the easiest things to do is to take a big garbage bag and start walking through your house and fill it up with garbage. Plain, simple, easy to toss garbage. Empty cardboard boxes, food containers, etc...whatever is easily recognised by you as garbage. Take the full bag outside and then come back here and post about it!!! You can do this Saveit!!! 
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Post by brainjam on Sept 5, 2008 18:18:45 GMT -5
Hi Saveit,
I am sorry for what brought all of us here but glad that we are truly all here together.
Today my handyman/friend told me that the difference in the way my house looks now is truly remarkable.
Inch by inch it's a cinch; yard by yard it's hard.
When I get overwhelmed, I look for three pieces of trash that I can throw away.
When I get stalled (going through boxes of stuff) I look for three tiny things I can sort/throw away/put in the giveaway bag/put away.
And if I don't have a place to "put it away," then I guess at what room I want it in and put it in that room somewhere.
Coming here really really helps.
***
Your sister sounds like an overbearing woman who is using the state of your current housekeeping to inflate her own false self-esteem.
(If it was true self-esteem, she wouldn't need to put you or your housekeeping down).
I vote no don't give her a key.
Tell her she is not getting a key.
She is a boundary violator.
She had no right to throw away your stuff, especially if you did not ask her to do so.
So no, no key.
Cops and firefighters know how to bust down doors if any of us need them to.
I hope you are not living in the same town she is.
Also, for now you can arrange to meet her at her house, or at a mall, dinner or coffeeshop rather than at your house.
That is what I do with some of my family members.
You are not obligated to have her in your home.
***
Keep coming here, keep posting, and we will all keep striving!
Brain Jam
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 5, 2008 18:59:09 GMT -5
Brainjam wrote:How right you are Brainjam!!!
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Post by BDG on Sept 6, 2008 7:17:45 GMT -5
I had the same problem with my Mom years ago coming in the house cleaning it up and chewing me out over it.  I finally told her how she made me feel and she is much more sensitive about it now. Your sister may be like my Mom, thinking everyone thinks and functions like they do, so they have little tolerance for anything different on certain things. I feel bad for what your sister had done, though she probably feels she helped. Everyone's brains are wired differently, some have to learn to clean, others seem to almost be adapted to it from birth. Just like some people seem to pick up math easily while others have to really work at it. Could you afford to have someone come in and clean a few hours a week? If not then you will have to learn the skills and habits it takes to clean up, and that does not happen overnight, I wish it did! So you have to be patient with yourself and be kind and try not to be critical of yourself. Look around you, is it function first or form as in beauty? Try and figure out what it is that makes things difficult for you to clean and start from there. |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 22, 2008 1:23:02 GMT -5
bumping this up for saveit to find.
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Post by need2bfree on Sept 24, 2008 1:10:47 GMT -5
I think people throwing my stuff away is one of the reasons why I am the way I am. I remember as a young child, not having many toys, but the ones I did have I sure loved. Well, my parents moved us to a new house and bought new bed room furniture for me and my brothers. Before we got our new beds my mom went and threw away all of my toys, I mean ALL. My best friend of our new neighborhood was a perfectionist and would clean out organize her closet every week and guess where all of her outcasts went, you guessed it ME! I would take it home and hide it so my mom wouldn't throw it out. Fast forward, parents divorce, mom becomes a messy ( alcoholic, partier) and I become caretaker of the family. So now I'm the clean one raising my siblings at the age of fourteen. My first place: mom says I'm abanding her ( I was twentythree and needed my freedom), I couldn't take the drinking and boyfriends any longer. My Boyfriend moved in, young, in love and yes messy. He was a partier and drinker (what was I thinking???) I just went from bad to worse. I would clean all day, go to work come home and the place would be a wreck. His buddies would come over and they would drink and trash my place. This went on day in and day out. So I decided I wouldn't clean anymore and guess what they stopped coming over. I found this to be a great tool. Next phase: He says no matter what I do to clean its never good enough, he starts throwing my things away. I retrive them from the dumpster. He throws paint and oil on my clothes, bags of kids stuff, anything he can get his hands and tosses in the dumpster. This just makes me worse, doesn't he realize what he's doing??? I get a storage unit and start keeping our stuff (kids and mine ) there. His theory is that it can all be replaced. He doesn't realize how hard I had to work to get what I have, he never bought anything we have, everything he owns fits into a box. At this point: He lives in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. The kids now keep their room messy so he won't come in (remember he drinks),and he will leave them alone. He walks around spraying air freshener, goes to the laundry to do his laundry and pretty much lives like a single person. He will take the kids stuff and hide it in his room. I find thing missing all the time but he says he doesn't know what happened to it, I usually find it hidden somewhere or at his moms, he has given her stuff like pictures (framed), dishes ( from my hutch), videos and when I ask about it he almost gloats about giviing it to her. He also likes to break dishes and other things. I should add he has never helped clean, offered to help or been a part of the solution. Bottom Line: Guess I'm pretty screwed up, but at least I'm working on myself and a way to change. I know it won't always be like this, I look forward to the day I can leave (whoops, meant live! )cleanly and peacefully. Sorry, didn't mean to highjack this thread, but it really hit a nerve. I didn't get near to all of the issues with other people and their opinions, I'll save it for another time saveit, hang in there. I think most of us have been through something similar. Just keep plugging along, one foot in front of the other and you can get through the darkness of this. |
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Sept 24, 2008 10:25:33 GMT -5
Ned2be - you need to be single. Allowing someone to move in and disrespect you will make your life worse, not better. You already know this, I suppose. People make choices.
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