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Post by nmf on Sept 5, 2008 9:54:05 GMT -5
As many of you know I recently (within the past few weeks) moved from the old squalor apartment. There is so much emotion around this.
When I left the old apartment, it was left with the carpet wrecked (and dirty, the vac broke!) with broken blinds and doors that the cats had scratched. The gas had already been off a while. I did leave an old scratched sofa in the unit, but was able, with much work, to leave nothing else there.
Threw so much away and really did the best I could in a crisis move/clean.
In the past weeks I have had:
ANXIETY that the old landlord will sue or otherwise try to engage or contact me. I know I won't get any security deposit back. That's okay. I just never want to have to deal with that old place again
SHAME that "they" are having to fix the old apartment (which was never properly maintained on their part anyway!); shame that I am "this way"; that all of this happened
GUILT for not doing a better job, guilt over having left the apartment that way, feeling (in an excessively paranoid way) that I am "bad" or "in trouble"...even when I know that I am not.
RELIEF to be out of a place in which I had been verbally abused, stalked, embarrassed, broken into, depressed, poverty-stricken and drunk most of the time. Hardest couple of years in my life and the relief of being rid of that time and that place and those memories is good.
ANGER with so many things. Moving old items from storage and the old squalored apartment to the new place, which was so clean and Level One! Now there is more decluttering/unpacking/arranging to do and I feel that my significant other resents "all this crap" we've got to put away now. And then I get demand resistant and angry...I feel like I am resisting putting away this newly moved in stuff because I'm a) tired!!! b) allowed to take my time and do it "right" c) feeling judgment coming from SO.
In another regard, after being in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years...I'm really sensitive to criticism. I don't know how to react to being treated so well. I assume (wrongly) that my current significant other is going to be snide, condescending, manipulative, etc. when he shows time and time again he is not. I don't have rational reactions to things.
I feel, metaphorically, like a rescue puppy...as if when my partner reaches down to pet, love, comfort and help me, I recoil like I think I'm gonna be kicked, so I either whimper or snap.
I used to be yelled at and belittled for making mistakes, being depressed, or being myself. Or for doing things like accidentally breaking a glass. (Even one of my own!)
Now I have someone that doesn't feel that there is something "wrong" with me or my actions or health problems...and I don't know how to act.
- No More Fear
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Post by mouse on Sept 5, 2008 10:26:00 GMT -5
nmf, congrats for getting out of the old place! I am experiencing some of the same emotions you are. Mostly I'm still dealing with guilt and anxiety, because I'm taking responsibility for the ruined floors I left behind. I'm going to have the floors replaced ASAP, and hopefully the horrible smell of cat will go away so that the place doesn't stay unrentable.  Hurray for you for moving on and moving up! ~Mouse |
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 5, 2008 13:05:22 GMT -5
I am so glad NMF that you are out of that old apartment!!!  It sounds like a nightmare living there! I know you feel shame and you're worried about the landlord coming after you....but I think you did a tremendous thing because you know what? You got everything except for one measly couch out of the apartment!  NMF!!! Just think of all that you did do!!! I doubt the LL will come after you for damages or anything. First he already has your security deposit, and second, it's common practice for LL's to repaint and sometimes re-carpet for new tenants. The damage to the doors and the carpet replacement will come out of that deposit you left so don't sweat it. Just be glad you're out of there!!! It's wonderful that you are in a good relationship!!  It will take you time to get your confidence back but when you're with someone who is supportive, you'd be surprised how quickly you can recover. Surprised too on how amazing it is to be with someone who really cares for you and about you!!!!  |
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Post by threeg on Sept 5, 2008 13:52:07 GMT -5
Congrats on all of your progress NMF. Your move was a good one in every way, and you took a huge step up IMO. Yes, it will take time to get out of the stray pup syndrome. After all, you spent years being mistreated. I have been with my sig. other for 12 years, and occasionally find myself snapping at him just as I used to with my late husband. (My LH has been gone for over 16 years, BTW.) It happens rarely now, and only when I'm really stressed. Try to sit down and esplain to your SO that you may snap occasionally, but really don't mean to. I know all about the stress of moving in and then having all the work of sorting and putting away your old stuff. I still have a room full of boxes and bins to do. It just takes time. Try not to expect perfection, just do it a little at a time.  3g |
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Post by Vivre on Sept 5, 2008 13:56:12 GMT -5
I understand and am here for you.
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Post by artsygal on Sept 5, 2008 16:35:40 GMT -5
Thank you for posting nmf!!! I can relate to you on so many levels. Obviously we are both having landlord fears. What has been helping me these last few days, besides SOS, is remembering and putting into action, what I learned from my therapist I had 10 yrs ago. I can't believe it's been that long! At that time, I was living in VA with my boyfriend and a unhealthy situation similar to you and your ex's. I went to visit my mother for 2 weeks, long story short I never went back and lived in CA for 3 yrs. I left everything, the only things I payed for to get back was my oil paintings and artwork (artsygal). I felt so many of the same feeling you are now. At the time it was horrible, now I think back and realize that was one of the best decisions I've ever made! I think you are off to a new and brighter place in your life, it will take time to get out of that "stinking thinking" and that's okay! What I learned I've learned is: -it's okay to have those feelings, as long as you recognize them and realize that they will pass -Just because you are in a healthy relationship now, it's normal to feel uncomfortable with the good stuff. In the past it sounds like you where living with a lot of drama, and in living that way, it becomes in a way "comfortable" that's how we cope. So now I had to relearn how to live well. For me I felt so strange and I was nervous, but i kept reminding my self that It's going to take time to feel that the "uncomfortable "feelings were good for me and the "comfotable" place I was in was damaging me. - I also kept a gratitude journal for a year, I wrote down 10 things I'm grateful for each day - I was told what other people think or say about me when I'm not present is none of my business , that was a hard one for me, but it was pointed out that that's not who I am, and I'm the one who has to live with me <----I'm applying this to my landlord. You are doing great, in reading your post you have gotten so much done and then some, that's what stood out. I'm really proud of you! best, artsy |
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Post by brainjam on Sept 5, 2008 18:07:11 GMT -5
nmf,
howdy again. I am glad that you are out of that old place.
You have a new place and a new start.
Today dad and I did a little bit of work on the (finished) attic (room) as husband is engaged in a family thing this weekend.
Dad looked at all of the books and said, "This is confusing."
But we did some work there and now I am really understanding that I have to get rid of more stuff. There is too much stuff and it gotta go.
The more I throw out and the more I put in bags and take to the thrift shop to be donated, the free-er I feel.
From one survivor of abuse to another-- our situations get better and so do we.
Do you still have a drink once in awhile now or are you like me (I had to quit drinking totally)? if okay to ask.
Brain Jam
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 7, 2008 7:48:51 GMT -5
- Dear NMF ! Hello dear friend. Regarding the Anxiety, Shame, and Guilt ... I think that part of what you are experiencing is what some have called "Ghost Squalor" -- it is explained here: takeonestepatatime.proboards80.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=285I certainly feel relieved that you are out of that abusive past. I also think that moving out of that place will help you let go of some of the old ways of being. I think that artsygal has some great advice in this thread. As the anger ... yes we all tend to resent having to deal with stuff when there's some sort of real or imposed timetable. I have faith in you, gal ! You have a strong heart ! Stand up tall and say out loud "I am a strong beautiful royal being". oh and yes... your name: NMF ... No More Fear ! You don't have to live in fear anymore. Love, Lioness - |
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Post by nmf on Sept 7, 2008 8:47:56 GMT -5
Just a short reply for now...thanks everyone for your support and encouragement!
Today is the day to clear out the worst of the move clutter from the spare room.
I'm logged in to chat for anyone interested in challenging.
- No More Fear
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