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Post by lilith on Sept 10, 2008 23:55:00 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I used to go to the SS board and posted there under another name. I greatly fear being found out for fear of losing my 13-year-old son. So I have taken a new name-also hoping for a new beginning-again. I came back because I'm losing my family's home to foreclosure. We aren't living there, but I have to have everything out by September first. A couple of days after that, my business' assets are also being sold.
My husband just thinks we should desert the "crap" but I couldn't do that, as tempting as it is. I have completely let go of the business so weirdly I'm not even too freaked out about that. My home of the last decade is another thing. I have made every mistake there is in regards to squalor. I am extremely obese, have a twenty year old car on its last life, my teethe are falling out of my head, my health is neglected, I have many people suing me from financial squalor, I cringe when the phone rings or someone comes to the door, I have a lot of friends who have never seen the squalor, I fear dying alone surrounded by piles. If not for a family member taking us in, we would be homeless.
Worst of all, my dear, dear son DREAMS of his own room and a desk just for doing his homework. In all other ways, I am a good mom. He is always clean and well cared for and involved in a lot of activities. He just has to keep this evil secret. I have learned to keep our car clean so he isn't embarrassed when we take other kids places. I feel SO much guilt over this.
My house is almost 3,000 feet of 3rd degree squalor. I have tried therapy, books, medication (currently on 40mg Paxil). I have gotten mildly better and always worse thereafter. I wish I could go for inpatient treatment somewhere with experts. I really don't think any of my doctors have gotten it-ever. The only place I have ever felt understood is with you all.
I am third generation squalor, I have sustained a lot of personal loss which has exacerbated my problem, I have made every bad choice you can make. I have lost all of my faith, but if you are lucky enough to have any, please pray for my family that this is the bottom and that we can rebuild without squalor.
By the way, I lost my job a month ago. At least I have time to clean out my house though I haven't started and would rather take a beating than do so. I have 21 days and I believe it to be possible. Please, please let this be bottom.
Lilith
I copied this from introductions because I am so tired. I have been shoveling out my house. Was working around the clock and then sleeping for 4 hours. This made me crash. Trying now to come up with a better schedule. Have been through every emotion. Glee when bags went out. Terror that pack rats had invaded my home. Been living on cereal, cookies, water and mountain dew. Decided I wouldn't think about calories-just get through it. Seriously thought of getting cocaine from somewhere but don't know where and afraid I would be one of those people who die the first time they try it. Settled on sudafed instead-normal dose. Makes me move a little faster and with all the dust I really did need it. Even just writing that makes me realize my insanity. Seriously contemplated suicide one night. Decided not to because of my son. Had the electricity turned on. Carrying water to flush toilet. Using Wet-ones for hand cleaning. Take lots of socks to change when they become encrusted. So sick, ashamed and disgusted that ever let things get this bad that I can barely stand to breathe. Rented a storage unit to put keeps. Looked into renting a dumpster. They wanted 50 to drop it off and 150 to dump it each time for a 6 cubic yard one. Couldn't afford it. Stood out by my trash can on trash day and begged the driver to let me refill my big can to get rid of the bags. He did. I ended up dumping 6 large cans that day. So humiliating but I lived. Also ditch trash at dumpster behind my old business. Shared dumpster and strangers used to do to me all the time so I decided F it. Also ditched some at my son's school which is never full. Using those white tall kitchen bags with drawstring top for trash. Excused myself from recycling. Using large steelsack, drawstring bags for clothes and linens. Expensive but worth it.My house didn't sell at foreclosure auction. Many, many in my area already. House reverted to lender and haven't heard from them yet but understand that legally in my state they will have the sheriff serve me and I'll have 5 days from there. Don't know if they are being nice or just haven't gotten around to me. City code inspector came to visit me yesterday-again. My next door neighbor who knows about the foreclosure called on me. My neighbors hate me with cause. I fluctuate from wanting to throw myself at their feet and beg forgiveness and hoping they someday have to face their fears in public. I am in hell. I just want it to be over and the only way it can be over is for me to keep moving. I just go from one pile to another. I bag trash and box want I want to keep until I can't take it anymore. Then move to something else. Why can't some Dr help us!!?? I HAVE ATTACHED MEANING TO SCRAPS OF A RUG STUCK BETWEEN BOARDS THAT I FINALLY THREW AWAY -MANY YEARS PAST WHEN ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD HAVE KEPT IT. My mother-in-law who is now dead, gave it to me. I can look at those tiny pink scraps and see her and smile. I stare at them. It is sick. The only way I could keep myself from spending days picking up the scraps was to think that she could could stay there awhile longer and then the scraps would eventually end up in the dirt and mulch to grow plants and she would like that. There is something seriously wrong with me that I have to think such things to function. Function-who am I kidding...For right now-I just have to get my stuff out of my house. Then I'm going to start again with books groups church meds something!! Maybe it will work this time. Please please please.
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Post by lettinggo on Sept 11, 2008 0:48:14 GMT -5
Lilith, I am so sorry. I don't know what to tell you. I can only reiterate what I've had to tell myself -- these things are NOT my family, and they are NOT my memories.
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 11, 2008 3:18:00 GMT -5
I'm sorry too Lilith, that you have to go through this. I know this must be agonizing for you. Thank goodness you have family willing to take you in!! As hard as this is, I know you will get through this!! Sending you good vibes to get through this quickly and with the least amount of distress!!
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Post by razy on Sept 11, 2008 5:32:22 GMT -5
Hang in there Lilith Kia Kaha
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Post by metamorpha on Sept 11, 2008 6:15:43 GMT -5
The good thing about leaving a foreclosure is that banks expect them to be messed up. Some people pour cement in the drains, they dismantle the cupboards, sh-- on the floor. If you grabbed all of your stuff and took off today, that house wouldn't be half as messy as the worst one they've seen before. I would go through and box up all of your things, like you have been, but I would push the garbage to the side. That way, you can still get it later, but you won't run out of time to get your things out. When you do bag up the garbage, I would leave it in one particular room in your house. That's one huge thing you don't need to worry about. You have better places to spend your energy, right? Best of luck!
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luucy
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 20
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Post by luucy on Sept 11, 2008 20:32:45 GMT -5
Hugs. Please focus on any little positive thing you can....anything at all. Here are the positives I am seeing about you from just your post: You are intelligent; you write eloquently even stressed out; you are caring (mil carpet story); you are a great Mom; you are self actualized-you understand you and that's a HUGE step!
You have 21 days to get through this and put this behind you and then you can start to become a brand new person who will be stronger and happier for the crap you've been through.
Peace.
Luu
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Post by houseworkhater on Sept 11, 2008 21:00:01 GMT -5
Lilith - Where are you? Maybe someone here can help you. It sounds so awful. Paxil helped me with anxiety but it did not get my layzee butt moving.
Metamorpha is right! Try to go through and get what you want first. Then if you have time, get the garbage out and clean it as much as you feel you need to. You say your neighbors already hate you, the bank won't come after you for your mess, and you will get to keep your valuables.
I care. And positivelypickles, your poem was lovely!
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Post by lilith on Sept 12, 2008 0:32:58 GMT -5
Wow, Pickles I am so honored by your poem. She was a woman who loved books and language and would truely have loved your sentiment. The thing I didn't mention about her was she was a hoarder and squaloree like me. Looking back, it is so odd to me that my ex-husband choses someone exactly like his mom though I wasn't in full-blown squalor then. That pink rug was in her house for many years before she gave it to me. I would take it out on her driveway and clean it with a hose, soap and a scrubrush because she was a cat lady. I was the only one she liked to clean for her because she knew I would follow her quirky instuctions without judgement.
Houseworkhater-I am in Arizona. I WISH someone would help me. I keep hoping elves will show up.
I am so glad I wrote. I was feeling so desperate and alone I decided to just spill my guts. I was so worried everyone would be shocked by how damaged I am and judge me. No one squashed me and for that, I am truely grateful tonight. Thank you to all who wrote or read.
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zeeky
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 38
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Post by zeeky on Sept 12, 2008 3:39:35 GMT -5
lilith, anyone who judges you for being damaged is only proving that they, themselves are far more damaged than you ... for what does it say about a person if they condemn someone for being damaged? far better to be a compulsive hoarder than to be a person with no compassion -- someone who cannot see that we are all damaged, & that we are all doing the best we can with what we know.
you are a good person, & we are here for you.
love,
zeeky
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Post by Vivre on Sept 12, 2008 7:18:03 GMT -5
we're all a little damaged, Lil Some more so, some less so, but each and every one of us has had that A-HA! moment when reading at least one story by another poster here. Just as we have levels of squalor, we have levels of damage. so many of us, from those who share their story to those who keep quiet, have themes that recur and that you will see over and over. We all feel alone, and yet, in some ways, there's nothing new under the sun. Please don't ever feel judged. We're ALL a little damaged here. And that's okay, because this is a healing place. Hope lives here in these words and on this board. When I found out that the original site would close, even though in my darker days I went for long periods without posting but still reading, gathering strength, I cried. Not delicate little sniffles, but huge, gut - wrenching sobs. I was so happy to see this little ray of light appear. I miss some who have not returned from our SS family...and am thankful DAILY for the new friends I have found here, damaged and all. I have this favorite coffee mug. Chipped and uneven, old and perennially stained, it is, as some might say, damaged. While I have been ruthless and unflinching in tossing several chipped , cracked and down-right broken objects, this remains. Why? This cup has worth and value to me. A simple little thing, costing only a few bucks new, it is cheerful, flashy, invincable even in the face of dark mornings and grumpy days. My Wonder Woman mug has stood the test of time and proven to be my trusty sidekick that pulls me through the dreaded but necessary routine of morning tasks. Damaged and flawed, like me, still I smile at my little superheroine and push myself through the day. We're ALL a little damaged here.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Sept 12, 2008 13:53:05 GMT -5
Lilith-You are NOT alone. We are with you every step of the way.
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Post by brenda on Sept 12, 2008 14:38:58 GMT -5
Lilith,
I am in Phoenix. I PMed you.
There are many resources for women especially in the Phoenix area that could help you start getting things on track. Fresh Start for women is the first that pops to mind.
Brenda
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Post by morningglory on Sept 12, 2008 15:51:48 GMT -5
Lilith, I am in awe of the amount of work you are doing, and of your bravery in facing your difficulties! I am going to second a couple of things that Positivelypickles wrote.
First off, you do write beautifully. In spite of the struggles and failures you have enumerated, you have tremendous merit! Just from reading your words, I can tell that you are brave, imaginative, creative, very loving and caring, hard-working, smart, and so much more. I feel that you are beating yourself up and feeling worthless because of these issues, and not seeing your immense value.
And I think this is also what's going on with your health. You are not nurturing yourself. Positivelypickles is absolutely right about getting the protein in! First thing in the morning, start with a protein-centered meal, and keep it up every few hours. And I would also recommend that you don't skimp on sleep--after all, it does lead to a crash, as you mentioned.
Take care of yourself, Lilith. You really deserve it, but if that doesn't motivate you the way the love for your son does, remember that HE deserves a mother who is strong and healthy and whole and able to meet the tremendous challenges you face on all fronts.
Sending lots of loving, supportive, and empathetic vibes your way!
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Post by messymimi on Sept 12, 2008 17:33:16 GMT -5
Lilith, I was about to reply with the same advice as metamorpha. Get what you want out while you can, take care of the rest if you can.
Please know that everyone here is just like you, although maybe not about the exact same issue. We all have a weak or broken place, some with hoarding, some with squalorous finances, some with other things. If there is ever judgement, it is unfounded and unwarranted.
I am concerned for your health, so please get something better to eat at least once a day if you can.
I would be there to help in a heartbeat if I could, but I am down here watching hurricanes tear up the yard I am trying to desqualor. It is a minor inconvenience compared to what you are going through.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
messymimi
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