Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2012 21:54:09 GMT -5
I just realized I am spending way too much time and energy donating stuff. I think I need amnesty girls, cuz this is killing me. How can charity turn into such a disaster? Let me explain.
I have always enjoyed donating really good quality, nice stuff, that I would clean up to perfection before sending off to a charity or a specific person in need. This stuff was often expensive, that I sacrificed deeply to afford.....it always felt good to send it on to a new home. But it no longer feels good. Since I've had a baby, the requests for donations from me have skyrocketed.
Here's why I'm angry: I spent so much hard earned money buying the essentials for my unexpected pregnancy....no one so much as gave me a bib or a single thing for my child. I now have no less than 25 individual people plus local charities asking me for my baby stuff, and as usual I'm expected to have it in perfect condition with not one iota of baby puke anywhere. I kid you not, I've spent hours and hours preparing baby stuff to give to people....everything from clothing, to exersaucers, to car seats, to strollers, to high chairs, to baby bath tubs, etc. My friend has a 16 year old pregnant grand daughter in Sweden, and I put together a big box of stuff to mail to her, paying over $60 in shipping to send it. I'm crazy.
I have never received so much as a thank you from any of the people I've donated hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to (I know them personally, or my family members/friends know them). I don't necessarily believe I'm entitled to a thank you either...after all, charitable contributions are free offerings of the heart. However this is all getting to be too much and I'm starting to feel like a doormat.
I cannot physically keep up with the cleaning/polishing/packing/transporting/etc of the vast number of baby items my child is outgrowing. I'm tempted to throw everything in the garbage from here on out, if for no other reason then to stop various people from yelling at me. Has anyone had anything like this happen? What should I tell people to get out of this mess....maybe something like, "I've had to simplify my donations and just drop everything off at the Good will?", and then take the heat when they start ranting? I had no idea this would get so nasty so fast!
|
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 12, 2012 22:11:39 GMT -5
YOU HAVE AMNESTY TO DISPOSE OF THIS STUFF THE SIMPLEST WAY POSSIBLE!
It's amazing, isn't it! I'd put it all (uncleaned) in a big box on the curb, write "Free Baby Stuff" on the box, and watch people who need it take it home.
Dumping it in a box (uncleaned) and calling Goodwill or Salvation Army to *come pick it up* also sounds like a very good idea!
I can't believe your friend didn't pay the postage to Sweden! Did no one give you a baby shower??? Maybe you need to re-evaluate your friend list.
Please do not clean up another single donation!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2012 22:42:12 GMT -5
THANK YOU DAYE! Amnesty is such a beautiful thing!! You also reminded me of something I used to do years ago.....I'd post a "curb alert" on craigs list under the "free stuff" section, put a box at the the end of my driveway, and it'd be gone in 1/2 hour. I can't believe I've forgotten about curb alerts! I did always clean up/repair/spruce up the stuff, but that stops TODAY.
As for the box to Sweden costing $60, I had NO idea it would be that much to mail. I almost died when the postmaster told me the cost. But I'd already done all the paperwork for customs (which took *forever*), and I'd spent *forever* packing the box and preparing all the stuff inside, and I felt I couldn't say "no." I could kick myself in the a$$ for not being more assertive that day. My friend simply said, "shipping to Sweden is expensive" and left it at that. I will not be making that mistake twice!
Bless you, Daye. Amnesty....the best word in the world.
|
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 12, 2012 22:55:30 GMT -5
The magic amnesty wand is being waved (and waived!) for you  |
|
|
|
Post by Layla on Mar 12, 2012 23:40:36 GMT -5
Donating with conditions? I know I go to the thrift shop and have bought baby playthings I had to scrub down myself, the store didnt clean them neither did the person donating, some stores clean the clothing they put on shelves, others dont.
You are giving the gift of free, you dont have to put all that effort into it.
Use Freecycle or Craigslist, put up an ad for FREE BABY STUFF, arrange what works for you, bag or box it up and put it outside for the person coming to get it. You dont have to drive it anywhere, wash it or anything. Let someone else come. There will be people in need who will take it off your hands No problem.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2012 9:15:28 GMT -5
I think I'm beginning to understand something. I should not be donating to family and friends, as their expectations are way too high. The charities I've been donating too also have standards that are high. Goodwill and salvation army have almost no standards....they may be the ones getting my stuff now. Here's the thing: many years ago I had a bad accident and was laid up for about a year. People gave me all sorts of charity, and I tell you, it was AWFUL, AWFUL stuff. Filthy, dirty, broken, stinky, infested with bugs, etc. One friend gave me a a couch and three of the legs were broken off, so she brought bricks along to prop it up. Unfortunately she didn't bring enough bricks so the couch was slanting all over the place (which is difficult for a wheelchair bound person to navigate). My point is, I felt that I wasn't even worth people's worst trash when that stuff was given to me. It was then that I became kind of weird about only giving super nice stuff that would lift someone up, not bring them down. Now I'm not so sure anymore.  |
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on Mar 13, 2012 9:45:00 GMT -5
You have amnesty. Send it to Goodwill, no apologies needed.
If people ask, tell them you donated it, and "I donated it and I really don't care to discuss it further," is all you have to say, over and over, until they back off.
messymimi
|
|
|
|
Post by puppybox on Mar 13, 2012 10:16:21 GMT -5
um, seriously, say what mimi said to say. try to say it in a tone that implies they are being really unreasonable, becuase they are.
you've become "the donator". the more demands they have put on you, the more you've complied. The only "demander" you don't comply with is your father. Just as you KNOW you have no time and energy to sell the stuff, you also KNOW you don't have the time energy or desire, anymore, to donate it the way these people want. so, in the same way you don't sell it, don't clean it or do anything fancy. you KNOW what you want to do. teach these people a better way to treat you by not rewarding their bad behaviour.
also, it is actually bad for your emotional health to donate to these demanding people. they are making you resentful and obviously this is tainting the whole experience of giving. you must take a break to restore your natural feelings of goodwill towards people. its funny: only the Goodwill charity knows how to do it without making people stop feeling Goodwill.
|
|
|
|
Post by seashell on Mar 13, 2012 10:32:56 GMT -5
Amnesty, dear HurricaneJ! You have done enough. If you feel up to it, take one of the suggestions above, using the fastest, least exhausting way to get rid of the things. If you don't feel up to it, THROW IT OUT! It is not worth the stress you are under. Let the relatives and charities fuss. You might be surprised at how fast they stop asking you for things and the freedom you will feel, even if they stay angry at you for a while. I experienced 24/7 requests and demands for help (monetary and otherwise) for years as part of my job. As much as I loved doing it, the stress eventually took its toll and cost me my health. I also know what you mean about people giving their worst stuff. During my time in my job, some people asked for a list of things I needed. I didn't like asking for things, but they pressed, so I made a list. Some people gave good things, useful for me and for the work, while others gave nasty, dirty unusable items. I felt very small. Claim amnesty. I think it's the best way for you right now.  |
|
Deleted
Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2012 10:40:45 GMT -5
Wise words people, wise words indeed! Sometimes one just needs fresh perspective. I don't know why I felt like I HAD to comply with these demands from friends/family, as normally I'm pretty assertive. I think I got slipped up because something I used to enjoy slowly became un-enjoyable, and I missed the cross-over. This morning I put a big, reasonably clean (but not scrubbed and perfected) bunch of baby stuff at the curb. I posted a free curb alert on craig's list, and some stranger came to pick it up. THEY RANG THE DOOR BELL AND SAID "THANK YOU"!!!!! I gave them a hug. Now that is what giving should be be like. Since I had a baby I've clearly gone insane, but I slowly trying to rectify the situation.  Thanks for your help! |
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 13, 2012 11:33:21 GMT -5
Oh! FAMILY!!!! I've got one, too!
Here's what I suggest - do whatever makes YOU feel free-er. You have been giving, giving, giving to everyone else. Now it's time to give yourself a little charity! Love, kindness, taking care of YOUR needs.
I understand what you are saying about people giving you nasty, broken junk. That kind of stuff should go in the trash. I did toss some dirty dishes in the dishwasher last night before putting them in the donate box, but that took very little effort. What you've been doing is way overboard.
When I shop at Goodwill or Salvation Army, I don't expect things to be clean. I assume they are not. If I am wling to clean them up, I buy them - if not, I leave them for someone who is willing. That's the beauty of giving to those places.
I'm so glad you had a responder for your stuff today. Now, didn't that feel good? That's what charity is supposed to be.
((((((((big hugs to you)))))))
|
|
|
|
Post by seashell on Mar 13, 2012 12:11:05 GMT -5
Good for you for the easy way you gave away the baby clothes. You're getting there!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Mar 13, 2012 12:26:21 GMT -5
Oh yes I hear you ..... giving can get out of balance the same way anything else can! The good thing is you realize now that this is "costing" you too much in time, money etc. and so now you can change it!!!! Congratulations for having the awareness!!!!! You'll do better now!!!! |
|
|
|
Post by maggie on Mar 13, 2012 12:33:37 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear the curb alert worked out well for you. I was also going to suggest that any donations from then on would be take it or leave it (no extra cleaning for you and no deliveries either), and if that was even too much stress to deal with, then throw it out.
As for the sort of gift from MIL -- I get her point, but that just adds a burden to you. If I were you and if I thought I could get by without the stuff, I'd be tempted to decline the items, or perhaps say something like, "Take the things that you want for the other family first, and then I'll see if any of what's left will be of use to Baby."
|
|
|
|
Post by Arid on Mar 13, 2012 14:06:25 GMT -5
Here's some advice that I got from the OCPD forums:
Do NOT *Jade!* JADE stands for "Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain." It goes back to the old "just say, NO!" concept. You do NOT owe ANY of these people any explanations of any sorts!!
This would work in your circumstances, as well as many, many others.
Stand up for yourself! You don't need to give in to your family and "friends" sorts of bullying.
Arid
|
|
