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Post by phoebepj on Sept 19, 2008 17:02:11 GMT -5
It was mentioned by tiredofthis' DD's therapist in another thread and has spurred me to think....
Do You use your Squalor/Mess as a way to maintain Control?
I got to thinking about it and realized that I tend to try to Control the situation by "controlling" the mess. If its too messy or squalorous, then I simply refuse to have anyone over to my place. I guess I'm afraid people will judge me for my housekeeping if it IS clean that I would rather leave it messy so I have an excuse to NOT invite people over.
As I stated in the other thread, I always had issues growing up with my parents arbitrarily barging in on my room without knocking as an adolescent.. not because they were trying to look at me when I was changing, but it was still embarrassing... plus I got the whole "I wiped your butt" speech. But for me it was a privacy issue. When I had my own dorm room and my own apartment, I discovered that I could control the people who came into my room/apartment.
When I was younger and still living in my parents house, I had my own room, but my parents expected me to keep it neat and clean. I hated to do that. What I hated most is when someone would change around the furniture in a room. I never understood that it was ok to change around furniture, I was comfortable with the way things were in the first place. Anyhow, my room had been the same for about 10 -11 yrs, and one day I came home from school to find my room ALL switched around. I FREAKED. My mom didnt understand. I didnt like the fact that she and her friend had touched EVERYTHING in my room, and rearranged it, and moved it around. I knew my room, and I didnt WANT to change it. So, in essence I lost control over that aspect of my individuality because they thought they were doing something FOR me, when in essence they just "messed" everything up.
Was there any trigger in your life that may have spawned more severe issues with hoarding/mess/squalor?
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Post by tiredofthis on Sept 19, 2008 19:54:25 GMT -5
Well, I must say, having the house a mess prevented my daughter from having parties at our house when she was a teenager. So, I guess, that was a way of controlling a situation, because she really didn't listen to a word I said for a couple of years.
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 19, 2008 20:05:57 GMT -5
Not one particular incident but I do know that even when my house is clean enough, I feel like my house isn't good enough. Not wanting to be disrespectful to my Mom because I loved her dearly, but she did sometimes make me feel like my home wasn't big enough, beautiful enough, the furniture wasn't good enough, etc....so even when I really could invite people over, I don't because the house isn't in good enough shape for company. My couch is worn so I can't have anybody over. Even though I have nice sheets to put over it. Even though any guests would more than likely to be sitting in the kitchen at our nice table. Or I'll have to do a really good deep cleaning first and I don't feel like it right now, etc....
My hoarding issues come from times in my life when I haven't had the money for things that I needed or really wanted. So now instead of saving my money I spend it on things I need now or think I need now, or even things I might need in the future. Which is weird. Just so you know, I'm really good on paying my bills on time but any extra money is usually spent and quickly. We are not socking any of it away like we should be!! I have a 401k at work but really we should be saving at home too!!
As an example, right now I have a strong urge to buy an electric bicycle. In a pinch I could use it to get to and from work. My son could use it too if he had to. But the reality is that I will probably always have a car. My hubby is disabled and cannot ride a bike. When I go to the grocery store I need a car to bring them home. Or I could walk up to the store instead. A wagon would be a better solution rather than trying to balance everything on a bike. It rains here, alot. Heavy rains too. I go to work at night. Not a good idea to be riding a bike late at night alone. My son can take the bus. So why on earth do I feel the need to buy this?? Even now with it written out in front of me the urge to buy this is stronger than ever. Because I might need it.
But the two of these are tied together aren't they? If my closets are packed to the gills and the shed is overflowing, then my house really isn't good enough. A guest might open that closet door or go outside to the shed and then what? Better to avoid the whole situation in the first place because to get rid of anything is going to take a long time....and that makes it easy to refuse people because then I won't have to be ashamed that my house isn't big enough, or beautiful enough or my furniture isn't good enough. It's a good excuse. My hoard is my excuse.
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