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Post by Sapphire on Oct 8, 2008 15:03:45 GMT -5
Hello!  Here is my story. I turned 35 last week, and am mum to a 14 year old daughter with Down's Syndrome. I've never been a tidy person, to say the least! But 7 years ago, my dad died, and I spiralled into depression. Gradually, my house has disappeared under a pile of junk, dirt, and general squalor. My depression became under control with medication, but my house did not!! I met a wonderful man in January. We had a whirlwind romance, and because he lived a long way from me, we decided he should move in! Considering I never even let my mum or friends in my house, and dread workmen coming in for any reason, (My washing machine broke 5 years ago but I daren't let anyone in my kitchen to fix it or plumb in a new one!!) , it was quite amazing I let someone actually move in with me!! But I was, and still am, totally in love! And he convinced me no amount of mess would faze him, that he understood how it had got that way, and he would be there to help in any way I'd let him. He was shocked by the extent of the squalor, but as promised, was supportive and uncritical. Then in June I discovered I was pregnant! His stance changed a little. He said he would have to put his foot down and insist the house gets sorted before the baby is born. (Due January 27th!) He has offered help, but I just can't seem to let him! Why???!!! He can SEE the mess! So why is it more embarrassing to let him help me sort through it?!?! Is this just me??? We've had a couple of big rows over the mess. Don't get me wrong, he's understanding about how it got this way, and is supportive. But he just can't get his head round why I can't just "get it sorted" now I'm no longer depressed. I'm not sure I understand it either!! He also can't understand why I can't let him help! Neither can I!! Yesterday brought yet another huge row over the state of the house, with only 16 weeks until the baby is due. It isn't just him bothered by it!! I so want it to be tidier before the baby comes, and at least have some floor space!!!! So some googling today brought me here!! You have no idea how relieved I was to find you! Well, you probably do!!! As you probably all felt the same!! Looking through the photos has been helpful in making me feel less like a disgusting monster! Although mine is a lot worse than a lot of the pics!! My journey starts here!!  |
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Post by AnnieOkie on Oct 8, 2008 15:19:38 GMT -5
Welcome sapphire!! Congrats to you for finding such an understanding man and congrats on your pregnancy.
You wrote:
"He has offered help, but I just can't seem to let him! Why???!!! He can SEE the mess! So why is it more embarrassing to let him help me sort through it?!?! Is this just me??? "
No, it is not just you hon. I have a wonderful man that has offered to help me many times and I just can't let him. I don't know why. It would be so much easier with help. For me, I am ashamed to let him see how bad it is. Also, I guess I do worry he might throw something away that I consider important.
Anyway, you will find much wisdom and support here. Stick with us!!
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Post by Sapphire on Oct 8, 2008 15:27:56 GMT -5
Thank you so much!!  And I'm so glad I'm not alone in not being able to let my other half help! I felt guilty, especially reading that some people's husbands just ignore the mess and make it the woman's problem. And yes, I think part of it is that I'm a bit concerned he'd throw out something I want to keep!! I suppose it's a little about losing control too. Anyway, thanks again, so much, for your warm welcome!  |
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Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 8, 2008 16:54:42 GMT -5
Welcome! Isn't it just the best feeling to find people who understand, don't judge and actually help you with real tried and true suggestions. I am so relieved that I am not the only person to live this way.
My hubby is a hoarder, I am messy. But I understand the not wanting him to help. For me it is about control. It is a mess, but it is MY mess, you know. But I have to say letting someone help is a great relief. My son has been helping me and I got really tired of him asking if he could throw stuff out so I told him what the parameters were for keeping stuff to show me, (envelopes that look like bills or other important stuff, correspondence, any receipt dated within the last 2 weeks, etc), everything else toss. It was a relief to not have to look through all the stuff. Maybe you could find some parameters you would be comfortable with and let him help for a while. See how it goes.
Good luck on your new little one. I love babies.
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Post by messymimi on Oct 8, 2008 19:05:45 GMT -5
Welcome, sapphire !
Sounds like much has changed in your life very quickly, so control may indeed be the problem. It could also be that sorting and cleaning when you feel like like it, not on someone else's timetable, could be a key. Sometimes it's just that we are demand resistant, even when we are making the demands of ourselves.
When time is of the essence -- such as when people have housing inspections or need repairs (or have a blessed event to look forward to, congratulations!) -- we often need to remember that motivation follows action. Picking up one item of trash and getting it into the can can start a snowball of picking trash up from all over. When you don't feel like doing something, you could get online in chat and get someone to challenge you. Or post it on Listzilla. Often just doing one thing leads to another.
For my house I try to mix 2 methods. I use the trash bin/put away box/give away box method sometimes. This involves just what it sounds like, going through an area of the house with a bin and 2 boxes, and putting the stuff away, or throwing it out, or putting the box in the car for donation as soon as I'm done. When I get tired of that, or don't want to face a whole section of mess, I use the run through the house and gather method. I might gather a bag of trash, then a bag of DVDs to put away, then a box of clothes that don't fit anyone, whatever I want.
Using a timer can be a big motivator. If your daughter is able, see how much trash she can pick up or how many books she can gather to "beat the timer". If she is very high functioning, she might be able to sort paperwork as messyshellby wrote.
It would be too much to expect yourself to have the house perfect in 14 weeks. In fact, that might even paralyze you because you know it can't be perfect, so you will never start. So aim for seriously improved and getting better daily. That can be done.
messymimi
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Post by limegreen on Oct 8, 2008 20:56:05 GMT -5
Hi sapphire! I know I'm not alone when I say that I hate other people messing with my mess. Maybe the nesting urge will hit you - it arrived rather late for me, I remember painting the kitchen ceiling on my due date, that was back in my pre-messy days. And I can see why your husband might want it all done before the baby arrives, but seven years mess is going to take a wee while to go through.
Just try and start, we've been mentioning this all over the board lately, but motivation follows action, so pick up one thing when you go from one room to another and put it where it belongs, or take one supermarket bag and fill it with rubbish, tie it and put it by the door to take out to the bin.
I think with a new baby on the way, I'd prioritise getting the kitchen accessable and replacing your washing machine. The guys from Curry's couldn't care less about the state of your place so long as they can get the machine to the place it belongs. And I speak from experience, as my washing machine broke down last year on Christmas morning.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Oct 8, 2008 21:47:09 GMT -5
messymimi wrote: "So aim for seriously improved and getting better daily. That can be done."
Excellent advice!! That is kind of where I am right now.
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Post by skatters on Oct 8, 2008 22:01:26 GMT -5
Welcome Sapphire! You are among friends! Congrats on the new baby! I hate others helping me with my mess. But I find it easier if they have a a task that doesn't involve them making decisions, like cleaning the bathtub, rather than sorting papers. Taking out garbage. Dishes are always good. But I am with you - I still don't like it. Maybe ask your man if he can be supportive at the actual time you do these things? "Hey hon, I need some distractions while sorting through this clothing. Come chat with me about your day." That sort of thing... Keep posting! |
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Post by crazycatlady on Oct 9, 2008 22:07:02 GMT -5
Welcome, Sapphire! Congrats on finding true love. Compared to that, reclaiming your home will be a breeze! Keep posting!
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Post by eagle on Oct 10, 2008 8:56:45 GMT -5
Welcome, sapphire. I know it can be difficult to allow someone else to help sort through your things. But you invited him into you home and your life, so you must have felt in some way you could trust him with everything. Now you are holding back and that is not going to strengthen your relationship with your husband.
Being married and having children together can be a strain on a relationship in the best of circumstances. As long as you choose to keep complete control over the home, he will never feel welcome in it. I know this because I have been there. The person invited in then not allowed to touch or move anything feels unwelcome and unloved and soon becomes resentful. If you can begin to make some small concessions and work toward bigger ones, it will help both of you in your relationship.
I can't tell you how to do that exactly, but I know that if I claim control over every space in our home, my husband finds it intolerable. I would, too, you can be sure. I do not much like being held hostage in my own home. I would escape and go elsewhere.
Please forgive me for sounding like a lecturing old lady. I truly do welcome you and hope you continue to post. Join us in ListZilla to share your triumphs as you get things done on a daily basis. Join us on Byways to talk about how to better get along with those with whom we walk this journey out of squalor. Or you can talk about that on the General board, too, because, I suppose it is related to the squalor.
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Post by Sapphire on Oct 10, 2008 12:37:40 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone!! There's some great advice there! And wonderful support! I know what you're saying Eagle. I do understand that. I really am trying! And you're right! He has said as much! I have made some small concessions over the past few months. Gradually letting him do more to help. The biggest thing being that I have agreed to him scraping the peeling paint from the bathroom walls and redecorating it! It's the tidiest room in the house (though not very tidy!) so I feel most comfortable with letting him do stuff in there. After that, who knows!  |
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Post by heylady1 on Oct 12, 2008 9:57:59 GMT -5
Welcome Sapphire!! And a big congrats on the new baby!! Babies are soooo much fun, so cute, silly too as they get older!! You've gotten some great advice but I'm wondering if you can't have your SO do the throwing out trash bit and also putting any important looking papers into boxes that you can go through? I know too well how hard it is to give things up, throw things out. I worry about making the wrong decision so I freeze. I don't have any miracle words for you as I'm working on this stuff myself!! But let your SO help you and be a part of it as much as is possible. Sometimes a clear head is exactly what we need. Glad you're here! 
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