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Post by pearblossom on Oct 11, 2008 20:23:25 GMT -5
You know, when I heard the word "squalor", I seriously never connected it to ME. And I have no idea why I even followed this link (found in a thread about a mom with a messy house due to depression--more to it, but that's the gist). When I saw Kimmy & Patkortcam's pictures, I knew this wasn't me. But then I read Petra's story and saw her pictures and man--that WAS me. I'm just a bit worse than Petra actually. I looked at the Clutter-Hoarding scale and I fall between levels 1 & 2. I have long been a control freak. I find it so much easier to live clean when I lived alone (and even then, not always--but usually). I've now been living with my husband for 10 years and it has been hell. Our house NEVER stays clean. I always blame him because he has wicked ADD and truly--he never puts ANYthing where it belongs and it even took him years to attempt putting stuff back. But it doesn't matter. We have cleaned this house top to bottom over and over again. We have people over and it's either three days to get it presentable and clean or we just give in and say "They're coming to see us, not our house". Lately, though, the whole thing has REALLY taken a mental toll on me. For one, I just feel like I'm drowning. We are not stage 3 squalor by any stretch (well, the basement came close--and that's my husband's turf) but there is stuff in every corner and on every surface in our house. Most of it is neatly piled, at least. And everything IS clean (some is dusty, though). But there's stuff everywhere. We tried to implement a "horizontal surface rule" where you couldn't put anything on a horizontal surface. I'll let you guess how that's worked out.  I had an inkling that we had a real problem back in April: my husband took a few days off from work to watch our son as I worked through our walk-up attic and emptied 13 contractor garbage bags of stuff plus filled a small back bedroom with garage sale/eBay stuff and donations. I always blamed my packratting on being raised and influenced by my Depression-era grandmother combined with an early childhood of complete instability and neglect--so I never knew if I would have the money to have something later and grabbed it when I saw it cheap. My mother was (still is) a manic-depressive alcoholic. I was parent to my mother and 2 younger brothers until I left mom at 12yo. I remember mountains of laundry in the basement. I remember spending nights awake until 2am organizing my dresser drawers (at my own drive--not at my mother's insistance). I don't remember my bedroom being messy so much; but I remember ALWAYS cleaning and I remember being at my cousin's house (ugh... that was just pure filth and hoarding) and enjoying cleaning there and thinking "why can't I enjoy this at home?" so clearly there was a need at home. At 12yo I went to live with my father who was immaculate, but so emotionally abusive that 2 weeks before my high school graduation, I had a breakdown and the school facilitated finding me somewhere else to live (I was 18yo so they couldn't call CPS). Now, 20 years later, I live across the street from my high school social worker who remembers my dad--not me or my brother. Right now, I should be doing a mountain of waiting homework--but I can't focus. Today, we had a garage sale. It was a lot of stuff that had never even been used. We are currently SO BROKE that I need every penny that the stuff is worth; but I feel like if I don't sell it tomorrow, I need to either find a place to donate it FAST or throw it out just to preserve my mental state. Then I wonder if "giving away" things of value when we're in such horrible financial state will help my mental state at all. I don't know what I'm going to do. What's really getting me is our 4yo son. I don't want him to learn this. And he is already learning it. It makes me sick. I have determined that I am now finally full-on depressed. I suffered for a long time from an unknown insulin disorder that caused horrible depression. It was always blown off to my history; but once my insulin problem was regulated, I never had another bout of it. Even now, what I'm feeling is in line with what the commercials tell you to watch for--nothing like what I used to have. This is "regular" depression. It's really no wonder between the house such a mess and our finances... plus we've wanted a second child for a long time and the door continues to slam in our face at every turn. It's been hard. I think it's just getting to me now. The good thing is that I have started. I cleared most of the attic back in April; and I just emptied the basement 2 weeks ago (I took before pics!)--and chastised my husband that if it EVER looked ANYthing like that again, I truly WOULD divorce him. I've bit by bit been emptying "junk" drawers and they're not empty, but they are empty enough to see the bottom through what remains in them without moving anything. What kills me is that people look to me for help with organizing and cleaning (in all fairness, the house IS clean--just by no means neat). Ironic. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like every time I empty another drawer, another 14 piles have been created while I'm cleaning. And in reality, that's all me and my husband's doing. I have known for years that this is about how we "see" space and relate to our space and our own emotional baggage, but I think I blew this off to still being within the confines of "normal". And it's just not. Yeah... so, ummmm... "Hi"  (I'm a little long-winded... can I still post here?  ) |
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Post by pegasus48 on Oct 11, 2008 20:58:29 GMT -5
Welcome, pearblossom. Glad that you found us! Yes, you can still post here,  . Lot's of us post on the long side. No problem! I hope you will find us to be of help. We all are fighting the same monster, just to different degrees. |
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Post by pearblossom on Oct 11, 2008 21:04:23 GMT -5
I'm seeing that. I'm learning so much already. I feel like I'm going to find the resources I need to help me get over the overwhelmed feeling and push on with that motivation that bit me long ago and kept me emptying drawers here and there. I don't know where that came from, but I need to get through the rest of the house.
We had already gone through and emptied the basement and the garage into a 30-yard container a year or two ago. I need to read more on this so I can understand and overcome. I'm so glad to have found this site.
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Post by messymimi on Oct 11, 2008 21:33:54 GMT -5
Welcome, pearblossom !
You are among kindred spirits here. Many of us can relate to families that don't pick up after themselves, among other things.
Also, you have my sympathy on the being broke part. I want to have a gar(b)age sale next weekend, we need the money. I will donate what does not sell and take the tax deduction, so maybe we will get something back, and that will help, too. I don't know if it would affect your taxes, but if you do them early and get a refund, it can't hurt.
What is "normal" anyway? If I can get down to level 1/2, I will be happy, even if other people don't think it is normal. It's good that you are challenging what you think of as normal.
I hope some of your stressors lighten up soon, and I'm glad you are here.
messymimi
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Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 11, 2008 23:00:42 GMT -5
Welcome. I will give you a run for your money in the long winded department. . You have found a great place here. So welcome and post away as long or short as you wish.
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Post by skatters on Oct 12, 2008 0:32:22 GMT -5
Sending a big welcome your way! Don't worry about being long winded. It seems we all have our days! I can relate to what you say regarding your son - that he is learning the squalor way. Your son is still young enough to learn a different way. I fear I have ruined my son's chances at living a more organized life. But anyway, I am glad you are here. This can be a wonderfully motivating and insightful place. Welcome! |
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Post by UdderChaos on Oct 12, 2008 0:57:05 GMT -5
Welcome pearblossom |
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Post by need2bfree on Oct 12, 2008 2:52:33 GMT -5
Welcome, your among friends!
Long winded, Plllleeeeaaassssseeeee..........I ramble on and on for days, and I don't even like to write! Go figure:)
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Post by heylady1 on Oct 12, 2008 10:45:15 GMT -5
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Post by crazycatlady on Oct 12, 2008 13:39:15 GMT -5
Welcome, PearBlossom.  I'm sure that you will find lots of help here to declutter and reclaim your home. Many of us struggle with financial issues, too. Usually related to the impulsive/excessive shopping. It helps a lot to talk to others who understand, who are finding their way out!
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Post by pearblossom on Oct 12, 2008 22:50:52 GMT -5
Every time I come back to this site I feel like "Wow... WOW... they get it". Yeah, I have really contributed to the financial problems with the spending. Ugh. And you know, I'm a level 1-2 now--but I see how quickly I could get to level 3. We care for other people's children on occasion and I do believe this is the only reason it's not worse: because people actually have to come into my house and judge it. I've been able to blame it on a construction project for about a year (even though really, the construction has ZERO to do with it) and "we decided to clear out and are going through every last thing" but it was gettin' old a few months ago already.  I was on chat last night and just being there and being able to look at my life and say "You know what I've actually done?" to people who wouldn't judge me and "got" it was huge for me. It was like I could open it up, look at it, and say "This is a problem I need to deal with" instead of continuing to live in denial. Thankfully, I managed to wake my husband up (accidentally--with the click-clicking of the keyboard!  ) and talked to him about it. It's been 24 hours, and he's actually accepting the reality of the whole thing way better than I expected. He's not trying to tell me "No, THIS isn't squalor". Instead, he said he spent the day trying to take care of things right the first time--telling himself "I don't want to live in squalor". It was HUGE--because I begged him for years to help change the habits that were getting/keeping us in this mess. I'm hoping this lasts--but I think that he gets that it's "squalor" and not just "really messy" is very big. And we've been able to have a good conversation about some of our negative history. Good things. Thanks all... looking forward to being here and getting through it. |
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Post by skatters on Oct 12, 2008 23:05:02 GMT -5
Ya know that awesome feeling you get when you are truly accepted? That you have found others that GET you? I have been around SS off and on for a few years - and that feeling is still there. It truly is amazing. Not to brag, but we are a great group of people. And now, you are a great person too. |
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Post by houseworkhater on Oct 13, 2008 23:50:45 GMT -5
Hi Pearblossom! Welcome to the best place on the internet!
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Post by Vivre on Oct 14, 2008 7:57:09 GMT -5
Hi PearlBlossom  I am in an okay state right now except for my bedroom itself, (a former garage , it is where all the orphaned items get tossed) and my laundry room... but it is easy for me to backslide. I have been at both ends of the spectrum... maintaining and utter depressed desolation... and right where i am at now, say what i would call 1 to 1.5 or maybe some days 2, is okay to me most days. i want it prettier and cleaner but I am no longer in the frenzied cleaning state i have been in before. I am only in my 30s but also lived part of my childhood with parents and part with an older depression era grandmother, so i understand the save save save and get it while you can mentality. Just know people are here. |
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Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 17, 2008 11:33:52 GMT -5
Kudos to you and to hubby. I wish mine would get it. I think that was a breakthrough for you guys! I love that I can come here and tell the "dirty secret" I keep behind my front door to people who don't judge, berate or belittle. Who really understand and have actual good advice. Not just, "well clean it up". They get it that it is deeper than that. I am sooo much better since finding this group of fantastic folks! Keep coming here and checking in. Can't wait to here how you guys are doing now that hubby is on board.
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