there's something that strikes me forcefully about her situation: a lot of people are comfortable with her right there, dependent, not drinking/drugging but also totally non-functional!
ALL they seem to expect, all they define as success is that she not get drunk.
All these other behaviors which have caused her to retire from life, have no friends, spend essentially all her waking hours on the way to Meetings, coming home from Meetings, planning Meetings, finding new Meetings -- are ignored. It's a lifestyle, this AA thing.
She's not doing anything else with her life.
She's basically in therapy all day, every day, between visits to an actual therapist. It's like a cult, where every contact in her life comes from The Group. I am a member of 12-Step groups, but not A.A. The 12-Step groups that I belong to are not as you’ve described. I don’t think A.A. is supposed to be that way, either.
Yes, in some ways it does become a lifestyle, in that people overcoming drugs/alcohol need to socialize with other clean/sober persons. For somebody in early stages of sobriety, they really can’t hang out with people using drugs/alcohol. They just cannot. Non-addicts will try to be “helpful” and say things like “you can have just ONE, it won’t hurt you”. Non-addicts won’t realize the danger of that.
I’m a compulsive debtor. I do hang out with some people from my 12-Step group that relates to finances. I also hang out with non-members who are emotionally/mentally healthy. However, I would definitely AVOID hanging out with people who speak constantly of borrowing money with no collateral, who speak of bouncing checks like it’s a game, or who try to do illegal things to get money. Those are behaviors I used to indulge in and it was like a sickness for me. I don’t want to re-expose myself to that sickness, as I am still vulnerable to those tendencies. I have been abstinent from debting for one year and 9 months, but it isn’t easy and I am sometimes still tempted. I have learned to AVOID driving down certain streets in my town that have PayDay Loan places.
I do know that A.A. has developed lots of social gatherings and encourages its members to gather socially there. Why? Because many of its members used to gather socially at bars or drug dens. So they need a replacement place to gather that is “clean and sober”.
Another reason members want to hang out with other members in the Program: Anyone seriously in the grip of a dangerous addiction/compulsion – BEFORE she/he looks for recovery – is probably dishonest with himself/herself. I know that I was. This is one of many character flaws that one might have.
I find that when I hang out with people who are dishonest with themselves (whether they have any compulsion/addiction or not) … I feel like I am around people with a disease that I am all too susceptible to catching again. I have to constantly guard myself against slipping into self-dishonesty. And I have to avoid hanging around with people who encourage that behavior.
To my very limited experience/understanding, the purpose of a 12-Step group is to “work the steps”. The steps involve being honest about one’s character flaws, and then healing those character flaws -- and becoming a better person overall. This is far more than just overcoming the alcohol (or whatever addiction/compulsion).
I find that I enjoy hanging out with people who have worked all 12 Steps and are embodying them. These people radiate serenity, courage, and wisdom. They are fun to be with, have a great outlook on life, and inspire me by their example.
So members of a 12-Step program are encouraged to hang out with people who are self-honest and who are constantly working on overcoming their character flaws. The purpose of this is to associate with people with a good example and to avoid people with a bad example.
I suppose, to an outsider, this might appear to be a ‘cult’, but it is not intended to be that way. The only intent is to suggest that one surround oneself with healthy people. It was never the intent to cut oneself off from the rest of humanity.
I’ve never had an issue with alcohol, but I frequently read A.A. literature. When reading, I mentally substitute my own compulsion for the word “alcohol”. I substitute my own concept of “higher power” for “God”. Lots of the earlier stories were written for and by men, so I just mentally substitute a female perspective when I am reading. I read the books to get a general concept of what it means to be in the throes of an addiction and how to overcome that by “working the steps”.
NOTE: I recently read a passage in the Big Book of A.A. that talk about how a 12-Step member can find ways to socialize SAFELY at a business meeting or family gathering where alcohol might be served. There are plenty of passages in 12-Step literature about how to live appropriately with the other people in one’s life. To me, this is an affirmation that we aren’t meant to spend our lives associating ONLY with 12-step members.
ABOUT MEETINGS:
When I first joined my 12-Step program, I went to meetings every week for a few years. But I did not change. I wondered why I wasn’t magically cured.
It took me years to realize that the meetings are not the Program! The STEPS are the Program. The meetings are just an extremely helpful TOOL in the program.
Do you think that it’s possible that your friend has made a similar error to my own?
If someone is working the 12 Steps, they will SOMEDAY begin to embody a new way of life that is full of serenity, courage, and wisdom. This is far more than attending meetings. It’s taking responsibility for one’s life and learning more positive ways of interacting with humanity.
I've also occasionally observed people who primarily come to 12-Step meetings as a way to socialize and get human contact ... but they don't really want to recover from the addiction or from their character flaws. They come to meetings basically because their lonely. This is rare. But I've seen it happen.
I know that sometimes I've done that with desqualoring forums and desqualoring chatrooms -- I log on to connect with everyone .. and hours go by and I haven't done any cleaning of my house!
She seems to have decided her life would be filled with anxiety and helplessness (and psychoactive medication) and she becomes outraged if I even accidentally or otherwise cross a boundary by mentioning something, anything, that upsets her.
But if she keeps on smoking and being financially disorganized and various other dangerous behaviors, things will not be all right. Besides, sooner or later, we all get really bad news, whether it's our own health or our dog's health or the house burns down or something. She will end up back in a mental hospital.
www.aa-uk.org.uk/publications/Promises.htmIf not, perhaps something is missing from her approach to A.A.
Those "promises" are supposed to happen after working Step Nine. Perhaps she hasn't gotten that far?
She gets anxious if I don't call a couple of times a week. “Peer support” is very helpful but isn’t the only solution. One needs a sponsor or mentor. The purpose being someone who is trained to handle distraught phone calls. Someone who knows what sage advice to give. Someone who can point out one’s flaws in a helpful challenging yet non-judgmental manner. Someone who can gently but firmly redirect one’s thinking to a more appropriate outlook.
Usually this is one person who has recovered from the compulsion/addiction and who now lives a healthy emotional life and healthy mental life. It needs to be someone who once suffered from the addiction -- but now lives in recovery. AND the sponsor/mentor needs to have the time and the energy to be available. For me, I have 3 people that I turn to as mentors in my recovery.
You are not your friend’s sponsor. You can tell her that. You can say “I can be a friend and listen, but I cannot guide you in your recovery”. You can set limits to the amount of time you can spend with her phone calls. You can simply state that you are unable to help. Because you really are unable to help. If you set boundaries, you will be setting an example that boundaries are a healthy thing.
All of what I have said in this very long message … is from my very small and limited understanding of 12-Step programs.
From Chapter 5 of the Big Book of A.A.
(from the first edition which is out of copyright):
You did mention that she has a mental illness. I know nothing about mental illnesses. Perhaps her difficulties stem from that? I haven’t any idea what to say about mental illness. Some mental illnesses are more severe than others. It is possible that she’ll always be in need of treatment. Or perhaps she is not receiving the correct treatment?
NOTE: She isn’t drinking. That is huge. She is pursuing treatment for her mental illness. That is huge. She isn’t doing it perfectly, obviously. But she is doing it. She’d be much worse off, or maybe even dead, if she hadn’t made those changes in her life.
It sound to me that she might benefit from “Dual Recovery Anonymous”
www.draonline.org/accept_diffs.htmlThat is a program for people simultaneously trying to recover from substance abuse addiction and from a mental illness.
You could give her that link, and then let it be up to her if she wants to pursue it.
However, as they say in 12-Step programs: “It works when you work it”. She would need to do the work of all the Steps.
CLARIFICATION: I don't mean to be rigid about working all the Steps perfectly. I just mean that she would need to work on changing herself as well as changing her problems. That's what the Steps are all about.
I honestly feel I owe her for being so helpful to me when I was so depressed. Perhaps you’ve paid that debt by now?
Or perhaps you can help her by letting her go?
I'm trying to accept that there's nothing I personally can do. How do I get rid of my own sadness over this and just try to accept it?
There's not really a good friendship there, it's more a memory of a person who needed help and was basically disorganized 35 years ago and will probably live like this the rest of her life.
I don't want to drown in it. I have come to realize I need more positive influences in my life.
I don't want to abandon the relationship, I want to be less sad. How can you avoid drowning in her problems?
I have the tendency to want to rescue and help friends (regardless of whether they really need my help or not). I often discover later that my “help” was actually unhelpful. I have tried to control this behavior within myself. I have not succeeded. I’m working on the issue.
Question: Do you feel some sort of feeling that you are “worthwhile” because you phoned her? It might help to realize that you are inherently worthwhile regardless of whether you phone her or not. (If this is not an issue for you, please disregard).
How can you be less sad?
Gosh, I don’t know. That’s a tough one for me. It is very hard for me to accept when I am powerless to help someone. It’s very hard for me to accept when I have to let a friend do her own suffering. But ultimately, when I let a friend live their own life, although they might suffer, they also grow. And sometimes my “help” was inhibiting their growth. Maybe all you can do is acknowledge that she needs to travel her own path. But yeah, that’s hard, I know.
Editing to clarify:
Perhaps I have not given your friend enough credit. I don't know her history.
It's entirely possible that your friend really has been working all the steps. Maybe she has already overcome many huge character flaws. Perhaps the character flaws you see are the only ones she has left.
Also: Many people find that attending meetings helps them stay sober. It's better that she attend a meeting than drink.
Best wishes,
Lioness
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