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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Oct 29, 2014 13:03:12 GMT -5
This is not directed at any member here, or regarding any recent posts. Really. It's just a generalized statement. I had intended to post this statement a long while ago, but never got around to finishing writing it. It's been at least a year since I started to type this. This statement is compiled from suggestions that other members have made over the years. Part one, regarding landlord inspections:Our dearly beloved the late Meme(papaswife) posted a landlord inspection list at takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/18656She created this for a specific reason. She owned her own home, so didn't need to deal with these inspections. She wasn't a landlady herself. Why did she post? She went to a friend who is a landlady to get that perspective for us to learn from. Meme, who had been a clutterer herself, said she posted that perspective for us because she loved us. And those of you who knew Meme ... know that she was always loving, sincere, and non-judgemental. She felt it important for us to *learn* from the landlord's perspective. To learn to see with their eyes and heart. We can learn to cultivate a respect for ourselves and our landlords -- and thus choose to respect the property on which we live -- because it's a decent thing to do. To pass an inspection, the idea is to get one's home in order -- and we post these checklists to learn how to clean up -- but the *goal* at "Stepping Out of Squalor" is to step OUT of squalor -- and not to step right back into it. ----------------- Part two, regarding CPS inspections:A couple of members posted ideas for passing CPS inspections on the "Crisis Cleaning" thread: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/18612/To add ideas onto that ... Some of our members are not only squalorers/clutterers/messies/hoarders, but their parents *ALSO* had the same problem with messiness. These members have shared their experiences remembering what it was like when they were children in their parents' messy homes -- and a few have shared experiences about being a child living in a severely squalorous home. Theirs is a sobering perspective for us all to learn from. It was suggested by
a few recovering-squalorous-members-who-were-once-children-of-squalorers ...
that the following sentence be posted:"It's not okay for our children ... if we pass a CPS inspection but don't try to stay out of squalor afterwards." We might need lots of help to stay out of squalor -- especially if we work long hours, have challenging children, or if we lack housekeeping skills. We might need aides for our homes; support groups such as here at Stepping Out of Squalor; family and friends, etc. It might take a lot of work to get the help we need. For the sake of our children, we need to seek that help. We might be imperfect, but our goal is to continue to strive to make things better for our children on an ongoing basis. ----------------- Summary:A member once suggested that someone post these words: "Passing an inspection isn't a *game*. It's a milestone in our recovery -- which should be used as a stepping stone to continue to better our own lives and the lives of our loved ones."A very large majority of our membership already agrees with that: We want to do the right thing ... because it's the right thing to do (and not as a game). We aren't here to berate ourselves, nor are we here to berate one another. We are here to lovingly encourage one another. But we aren't here to fall back into excuses either. We are here to continue to learn and to continue to grow. ------------------------------------------------- Note:I realize that there are a few inspectors/agencies who use inspections as a form of harassment. But that is a *separate* discussion and not what this thread is about. *This* thread is about the fact that we can use reasonable inspections as an impetus for learning and making ongoing improvement. ------------------------------------------------- Lastly, a disclaimer: The statements I've made in this post are my own. I'm not a moderator/admin here. I'm a regular member. I will refer you to the moderator-admin team's statements: On being a parent struggling to get out of squalor: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/4037/community-purpose-policiesSee the section within that post labeled: Posts by those who aren't "stepping out of squalor". "Also, don't bother telling telling us that living in squalorous conditions is detrimental to our children's health. We know it and hate it. For mothers here, that fact is the single biggest issue behind the drive to change. If guilt is already partially paralyzing us, we don't need more guilt heaped on our heads as we try to alter our lifestyles. Offer support for change rather than condemnation." On "Squalor, enabling and sabotage": the moderator-admin team also made a statement about that, a single post which is its own thread: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/10786/squalor-enabling-sabotageRead that post in full. |
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Post by sparkle on Oct 29, 2014 13:10:49 GMT -5
What an excellent post. Thanks, lion!
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Post by dtesposito on Oct 29, 2014 16:54:01 GMT -5
I LOVE the squalor-enabling-sabotage thread--I think we should all read it at least once a year as a reminder.
Diane
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Post by messymimi on Oct 29, 2014 20:03:15 GMT -5
Well put, CL!
messymimi
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Post by larataylor on Oct 29, 2014 21:03:44 GMT -5
Great post, and great links. Good stuff to read regularly.
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Post by onwardandupward on Oct 30, 2014 8:42:48 GMT -5
Lioness,
Thank you. Once again, your memory of past posts served to put together helpful information in one place. You rock!
I want to share that in my own struggle, notice of a major "detailed inspection" is what prompted me to go to chat on the SS site and beg for help. Time has shown that it was the beginning of the end of my cluttering habits.
That is when I learned how to 'crisis clean', which mostly consisted of dash and stash and getting rid of obvious trash. I was financially able to purchase enough Rubbermaid bins to contain my stuff - I think there must have been fifty or sixty. I had a huge walk-in closet in my apartment and I stacked the filled bins in the closet from floor to ceiling. Every drawer was crammed to the brim full. A corner of the dining room had stacks of bins. The outdoor storage closet/laundry room was stacked from floor to ceiling.
The reaction of my children was very encouraging. I passed the inspection. But most importantly, I began to believe in my ability to actually conquer the clutter issue. This is largely attributed to the advice and support I received from the chatters. I didn't have time or the ability to think for myself in the midst of my panic and the deadline, so I just followed their instructions.
I am not saying it was smooth sailing after that, or that I never had to dig out of a mess again, but subsequent inspections were not quite as scary. I began to catch myself sooner in the cycle and this pattern has continued over the years. I still have boxes in the garage to deal with, but these are the result of years of culling and packing things away, or from moves where I realized I didn't need to unpack everything. I expect that 90% of the boxes in the garage contain items that will become donations or shredded paper for recycling.
One danger of crisis cleaning is that it is physically exhausting and it was easy to tell myself that I deserved a few days "off" from cleaning afterward. Once I learned to force myself to spend even five minutes the day after the 'crisis' doing SOMETHING, I was able to break that pattern.
I will always have to be on my guard against becoming complacent and letting dishes/laundry/paperwork pile up. I will always have to be wary of impulse shopping. I will always live with a feeling of panic whenever the doorbell is rung unexpectedly or a friend wants to drop by, even when my home is spotless. I call it PCSD (Post Clutter Stress Disorder). I also have PTSD from abuse issues and was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), but getting rid of the clutter and overcoming old habits has left me free from panic attacks - it has literally been years since I have had one or needed anxiety medicine. Conquering the clutter was a big part of the healing process. Some may say that I had to be recovering in order to clean up the mess, but having lived through it, I have to say that it was cleaning up that prompted the healing.
Of course nothing could have been accomplished except by the grace of God. Prayer keeps me going and God keeps me strong.
Onward
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Post by dtesposito on Oct 30, 2014 9:09:07 GMT -5
Conquering the clutter was a big part of the healing process. Some may say that I had to be recovering in order to clean up the mess, but having lived through it, I have to say that it was cleaning up that prompted the healing.
I totally believe that accomplishing a huge cleaning can give you the confidence to continue the change.
What I've experienced over the last few years--the last year especially--is that every small accomplishment I manage makes me eager to take on the next step. Cleaning out some area or category of stuff makes me think that I CAN do things differently. When I have a breakthrough and can get rid of things I couldn't before, or look at my possessions with a different attitude, it lets me know that even though I've had this problem for a long time, it IS possible to create a different life for myself. I'm not saying it isn't hard, and it does require constant physical and mental work, but the idea that I can change habits that I've had my whole life is liberating.
So crisis cleaning should be considered a catalyst--the beginning of change--rather than a hurdle to get over and then leave behind.
Diane
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Post by larataylor on Oct 30, 2014 9:13:34 GMT -5
TIME is the enemy .. FREQUENCY is the cure. Right?
Crisis cleaning once a year may be pretty horrible … but not as horrible as clearing out a house where squalor has been building up and mouldering for *decades*.
The trick is to shorten the interval … from decades to years, years to months, months to weeks, weeks to days. It never feels happy to be forced to do something, but that forcing can be a blessing in disguise, perhaps inducing you to shorten the interval on your own to avoid the pain of being forced.
But then, all the experts keep saying, Never do a forced clear-out on a hoarder.
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Post by dtesposito on Oct 30, 2014 9:26:10 GMT -5
Never do a forced clear-out on a hoarder.
I agree with not doing forced clear-outs, but I think there's a difference between someone coming into a home with a cleaning crew and throwing everything out against the wishes of the person, and the person doing the work by herself in panic mode because the alternative is losing her home, her children, etc. Even when the cleaning is being done in crisis mode, it can start the process of looking at your stuff differently--you start to realize that the stuff is causing you a lot of pain.
When there's a forced clearout and possessions are taken away by someone else, the possessions become MORE valuable in the person's mind, which can't help once they start filling their home up again.
Lots of people go through a crisis clean and don't benefit at all, but I know that some people do. So the idea to take away from it would be thinking of the crisis clean as the beginning of the journey, not an event that has an end and is forgotten. It would be great to remember in detail the horrible feelings induced by news of an inspection, (or, for those who haven't had inspections or emergency repair visits, to IMAGINE the horrible feelings), and to use those feelings as motivation to start or keep the process going.
Diane
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Post by dayeanu on Oct 30, 2014 18:58:07 GMT -5
I just re-read the sabotage thread. I checked off several. It's an excellent reminder.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 30, 2014 22:02:47 GMT -5
I remembered the self sabatoge method of being concerned with everyone else's problems.
I quoted that to myself and made the right decision. And I got peace out of it.
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Post by WhyNot on Oct 31, 2014 7:31:55 GMT -5
I LOVE the squalor-enabling-sabotage thread--I think we should all read it at least once a year as a reminder. Diane What is this thread? I'd love to read it Nevermind, I just found the link in the original post  . Forgive me, I'm half asleep! |
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Post by larataylor on Oct 31, 2014 8:57:13 GMT -5
My journey has been dotted with different types of crisis cleanups.
Moving into this house was the first crisis. Then cleaning up the building materials in the yard. Then clearing the living space in the old house for other people to live there. Then clearing the whole thing out after it sold. Then getting rid of stuff before the township complained about the stuff on the driveway. Then clearing out the storage unit.
Each time, the crisis has moved things forward by leaps and bounds. Sometimes a crisis resulted in other people helping, like the young people who wanted to live in our old house, or DH helping clear the yard when the township threatened. Sometimes the crisis comes with cash, as in selling and having to clear the old house.
As a result of handling one crisis after another for several years, I can now look at a "big picture" that is not so frightening. Seeing how far I've come and how much I've accomplished makes me confident about the rest of the journey.
Crisis is painful. Remembering the discomfort of all those crises gives me determination to *ferociously* defend the territory I've conquered. I WILL make it to the top of this mountain, and I will NOT allow clutter back into my life.
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