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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 29, 2008 8:41:02 GMT -5
- Before you read any further, note that this topic may have relevance to everyone -- whether you are living in deep squalor, mild clutter, or actual maintenance. Some of these examples apply to those in maintenance. Some apply to those still clearing out. But I think the concepts apply to most of us. I know that when I read about it before, I was still living in Level 4, and the concept of "maintenance" was an inconceivable dream. But I found the topic useful, because it helped stir my brain, and helped me to not judge myself so badly. Furthermore, when I made some progress, but fell back a step, I remembered this concept and realized that I didn't have to keep seeing myself so harshly. A lot of our squalor is in our minds. "Ghost squalor". This is sometimes experienced by people who have desqualored and are maintaining. The actual building (house/apartment/trailer) has been clear for a while, but sometimes one still experiences the residual feelings of shame/worry/fear leftover from one's squalorous past. The squalor has left the building but there are still echoes of cobwebs in your mind. I am rephrasing some examples of this that I have read about. Note: The following examples are fictional, but they are similar to things people on the Squalor Survivors board experienced. - Your home has been clear and attractive for a while, yet you still jump in terror whenever the doorbell rings. You have to consciously stop hyperventilating and resist the urge to hide silently in your bedroom … before you can put on a false smile and answer the door.
- You accidentally drop something on the floor and begin berating yourself for being a lay-zee slob. This is because you used to have tons of stuff all over the floor. You fall into a complete panic – assuming that you must be sinking into a downward spiral back into full-blown squalor – which begins to set off depressing thoughts.
You then remember that your floors have been clear for a while, and this is one piece of mail or one crumb that you accidentally dropped on the floor. And you can pick it up right now and be done.
- When something completely beyond your control happens, and yet you blame yourself anyhow. You find a dead mouse (or bat or squirrel) in the attic. You haven't had rodents for years, but somehow, one got into your attic and died there. You don't go up in your attic often, your attic is clear of clutter. There is no reason to blame yourself.
But long ago, when you lived in deep squalor, you had a rodent infestation. It's entirely possible that your prior rodent infestation wasn't your fault. It was just something that happened due to severe weather or due to the conditions in your neighbor's apartment. But you happened to have coincidentally had those rodents at the same time you were living in squalor, and had been too afraid back then to call an exterminator, due to your mess.
All that happened years ago, but today, upon discovering the one lone dead rodent in your attic today -- all those memories of shame and terror come now flooding back to your mind and gut.
You could ask a friend or relative for help with the disposal. Or you could phone an agency – such as the health department -- or the “County Extension" (agricultural experts at your local university) – for practical information on safe disposal of a dead rodent. Yet you are too embarrassed to make any of these phone calls.
It's difficult enough that you are afraid of rodents and completely grossed out by a dead one. But it's really hard when "ghost squalor" makes you too embarrassed to ask for assistance. It takes you another day or two before you recover rationality and realize this is not your fault, and it's okay to ask for help.
- A friend makes a mild remark about one of your housekeeping methods.
Your house is clean now. But your friend's remarks bring back all the shame you used to feel about your prior squalor. You react by assuming that your friend thinks you are a horrible slob, and you will "never be good enough" for her. You are afraid to ever speak with her again. You get a message from her asking to meet for coffee, but you don't reply.
Eventually, you realize that your friend was merely commenting on how you arranged your CD's on the shelf. She stores them in a fancy shelving unit -- whereas you store them in a drawer. She wasn't saying you were a bad housekeeper. It was your own "ghost squalor" that was making you assume that your housekeeping was being judged. You finally call your friend back and invite her over for coffee at your home.
- An aunt makes a cutting remark about your housekeeping.
Again, your house is clean now. But your aunt's remarks bring back all the shame you used to feel about your prior squalor. You react by assuming that your aunt thinks you are a horrible slob, and you will "never be good enough" for her. You are afraid to ever speak with her again.
Even worse, you feel that your entire extended family "knows" you are a slob and always will be one (even though your home is actually reasonably clean). You panic when you realize is there is an upcoming family reunion happening soon, and you feel cannot face anyone in your family right now.
Eventually, you are able to see that your aunt is judging you unreasonably. Your aunt really does think you are a terrible, awful, worthless human being. Nothing you could do would be ever be good enough to please her. This really isn't about you. This is her own issue. She is judgmental because of the ghosts from her own past.
You remember that your home is clean enough. Not perfect, but good enough. Some people will always find fault.
You also realize that most of your family members aren't like your aunt. Your family really does love you and they don't care about your past or present housekeeping. You decide to go to the family reunion after all, knowing that you can choose to avoid interacting with your toxic aunt.
- This concept can be applied to gradual recovery from squalor, too. You could have slowly progressed from Level 4 to Level 2. Or you may have begun to de-hoard. There can be a tendency to panic about relapsing to deeper levels.
Yes, it's important to guard against relapse by continuing to maintain the tiny corner of a room that you've cleared out. Keeping that corner clear will help you feel successful and encourage you to clear out the next corner.
But we don't need to freak out with horrid self-recriminations if we just slightly messed up our precious clean corner. It was clear, so it won't take long to re-clear. It's so helpful to remember that we can just re-clear that one corner easily and be done. And then begin again on the next corner.
How do we learn to see ourselves in new ways? How do we let go of the shame of the past? When does the embarrassment and fear leave? Why do certain events trigger these reactions? How do we desqualor our minds? -
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moineau
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 57
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Post by moineau on May 29, 2008 13:17:46 GMT -5
That was a very thought provoking post. Thank you for that.
Moineau
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Post by CrimsonKat on May 29, 2008 13:30:47 GMT -5
I don't consider myself completely done with decluttering and dehoarding and in full maintainence mode, but I've come a long way in the last 3 months or so. I do find myself more judgemental about my space and find that the mess of daily living (mail on the table, dish in the sink, etc.) makes me question myself. I wonder if it's the start of backsliding, am I a failure? I have been making a point to be more aware of these feelings and I try to be gentle and forgiving of myself. I try to concentrate on what I've accomplished, not be overwhelmed with all I still need to do. I try to maintain the spaces that are done (closet, balcony) and enjoy them. I try to see work-in-progress spaces as just that. Each layer I do is a step towards freedom. I know that I need to let my subconscious mind catch up with my conscious one. It has been programmed, for better or for worse, to live in the prison it created. Now that I am trying to take control of my life and my environment, it is rebelling against that. I lived so long in denial of my surroundings, but on some level, I knew it existed. It effected me, and made it possible to live in hiding. And I hide because of the abuses I've encountered in my life. So, my squalor allowed me to live in "safety". Telling myself that it's okay to get rid of the manifestation of that safety (the squalor) and still be okay is a mental adjustment that will take time. The difference is, now I want that change. I want better for myself. I want to live life and not hide from it anymore. I am learning and growing every day, and with a bit of patience and understanding, I will continue to do so.
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Post by Rennie Ellen on May 29, 2008 22:26:00 GMT -5
CL_SS, I talked about a situation on another thread in Byways, so I won't talk about it here. But what you say does bring up some things I deal with. "Your home has been clear and attractive for a while, yet you still jump in terror whenever the doorbell rings. You have to consciously stop hyperventilating and resist the urge to hide silently in your bedroom … before you can put on a false smile and answer the door." I admit I still jump when there's a knock at the door, even when everything's in order. It's almost like "Clutter PTSD". "You accidentally drop something on the floor and begin berating yourself for being a lay-zee slob." Actually, I berate myself more for being CLUMSY instead of being a slob. "Your house is clean now. But your friend’s remarks bring back all the shame you used to feel about your prior squalor. You react by assuming that your friend thinks you are a horrible slob, and you will “never be good enough” for her. You are afraid to ever speak with her again. You get a message from her asking to meet for coffee, but you don’t reply." That was the topic of my post in Byways, sort of. Only this "friemeny" WAS implying that I'm still a slob. She wanted me to invite her to my home but I don't think I will. Like you said, some people will always find fault and she's one of those people. I've had friends come over for short visits, but I haven't really had "company" for dinner or a backyard BBQ. My home IS clean enough. I'll work on that as a goal, to eventually feel comfortable to have a few friends over for a meal. I think a lot of my problem is FEAR. It only takes a major health crisis for my maintainence to deteriorate, like it did when I got cancer in 98, and then again when I was dealing with that bacterial infection in 05. It's hard enough in-between these health scares to maintain because I live with chronic pain/fatigue every day. Now I'm dealing with a colitis flareup (after dealing with uber upper respiratory infection/pneumonia since January) and I'm afraid all my hard work will unravel. I can only do the best I can, but sometimes when I'm sick, I still feel I failed. And housing inspectors breathing down my neck doesn't help! But again....I can only do the best I can. I have to believe that. Thanks for starting this thread!
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Post by reesa on May 29, 2008 22:48:11 GMT -5
Wow this is sotrue.
I found that taking pictures when I think something is looking bad helps, I can look at it and it's like seeing it with objective eyesd and it isn't as bad as it was, and can relax a little. I freak out sometimes when there's starting ot be work-related clutter on my table...pictures help me realize there's no longer eighteen boxes of junk next to that clutter!
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Post by onwardandupward on May 29, 2008 23:28:19 GMT -5
I have been through various cycles of clean and not so clean over the past 3 years. The clean times last longer before I slip each time, and the backslides aren't as bad, but I think part of the reason that I do have trouble maintaining is that in my mind, I feel the guilt over having had the mess when it is only slightly messy...and even when things are spotless. The guilt over having ever exposed my kids to the mess is an overwhelming emotion for me.
I almost feel more guilty when things are clean...sort of like, "If I can keep it clean now, then I should have been able to keep it clean before, so I am even more worthless since I exposed my kids to the trauma of squalor when I could have sucked it up and kept things clean, and the fact that it's clean now proves I could have done it then."
I recently realized that my very first apartment - a tiny one room space - was the first place I experienced "peephole panic." A guy I had been on a date with dropped by without calling....and the place was a mess - dishes not done, clothes everywhere, trash piled up, etc. That was almost 30 years ago.
I managed to keep things mostly under control when I had a serious boyfriend and when I was married. There have been times when I helped others declutter, too. Which begs the question(s), "Why won't I keep things nice for ME? Why isnt' that enough motivation?"
Not sure where this is going, but definitely a theraputic thread.
Onward
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Post by mouse on May 30, 2008 11:41:00 GMT -5
The sound of my doorbell is still enough to send me into a state of quasi-hyperventilating panic, even when my place is clean. It makes all my nerves jangle, and when the place is clean I still need to take a moment to compose myself before going to open the door.
When the place isn't clean, it sends me into nearly instant meltdown.
I also have a phobia about the smell of cat pee. See, I don't always smell it anymore, 'cause I've grown used to the odour. So I'm constantly worried that my clothing smells, or that my shoes smell, or *something*, and that people think I stink and have no sense of personal hygiene. This is all regardless of the fact that I am always careful to wear clean clothes and to keep my "outside" stuff away from the cats. It's paranoia, and nothing more.
~Mouse
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Post by heylady1 on May 30, 2008 18:36:41 GMT -5
This rings true in so many ways. My mom was a very good housekeeper, and both my grandmothers were excellent housekeepers. I have never had the motivation or inkling to follow in their footsteps BUT when things had gone so badly one year, (husband had a major stroke, my son was 2 yrs old at the time, we lost the house and the car, had to move into a much smaller place, I was working full-time with all the stress of everything) my closets were at their worst, and the one spare room was just filled with things that I had no room for, well we were having a family dinner and I told my mom that I would straighten things up and we could have it at our house. And my mom basically said that no, we didn't have the room but I knew by the way she was looking around, what she really meant was my house wasn't good enough to have anybody over. We ended up having it at my SIL's house, the great big beautiful place that was spotless. Of course, maybe my place would be cleaner if I'd had a maid coming in 3 times a week too. But that really hurt and it made me realise that my place wasn't good enough for some people...wasn't up to certain standards. I never had my grandmother or brothers over to my house after that. My friends would still come over and that was okay but as the years have gone by and friends have moved away, I find that I am more and more relucant to let anyone in the house. Even though for the most part the house is good enough. And I tell myself that if you're nosey enough to go snooping through my closets or peek into my sons' room or check out the laundry room then who needs you around anyway, but really I am almost paralyzed with fear that someone will actually DO that!
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Post by margaret56 on May 30, 2008 19:54:25 GMT -5
I dug my way out of squalor several years ago, but Ghost Squalor remains a serious problem with me. I still can't invite critical people over to my house for fear that somehow the former squalor is still "visible". I freak out that there may be odors, undetectable by me, that will smell dirty to others. I live in fear someone will open a drawer and find an old dead mouse or something I missed in the cleanup. This fear is gradually diminishing, but every time my house gets a little messier than usual I panic. I think it is rooted in the same perfectionistic, self-critical mindset that led to my squalor in the first place. I have come a long way in being kinder to myself, but sometimes the old feelings of inadequacy creep back into my life.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 13, 2009 22:23:52 GMT -5
-
Bumping this very old thread from May 2008, because it's a timeless topic.
And because some of our members are dealing with it now.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Mar 13, 2009 23:18:42 GMT -5
Thanks, Lioness, for bumping this. I had never seen it and I can see myself jumping when someone knocks at the door. But sometimes I get really excited to actually ask them to come on in!
Liked Rennie's term "Squalor PTSD". That's a good label.
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Post by Meme on Mar 14, 2009 0:41:25 GMT -5
ghosts of my mind- past- present- future today was one of those days- sister in law called and said she was stopping - once the phone was hung up I felt panic- and even though I was so tired I cleaned the main areas that I knew she could see- sigh- I wanted to tell her not to come but I could not phone her back as they do not have a cell on the road- I survived and I guess she did too-but I know the ghost wanted me to lie ------- and it....was bittersweet as too many memories hit me at once- when I say I am tired- it is not sleepy tired but physical tired- I keep tell myself what the nurses said about our home- that it was cozy -clean- peaceful- interesting and hospice correct when they came to do things for papa hubby re his pic line and medications - they also said how clean I kept papa hubby and how well I had planned areas so he could be with us all the time- I kept a record of papa's days for eating and chemo and meds and etc- and they really like that also---they also wrote that on a file re doctor report and my report....... I must make a sign and put those things down so I see them every day- because I don't remember these things when I need to shut the ghosts up- this is a good thread and hope we can just keep it going around it helped me tonight= hugs
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Post by breakingfree on Mar 14, 2009 7:05:36 GMT -5
This post really hit home for me. I live with Ghost Squalor every day. It is there even if I do not see it. I still do not like having company, even though my logical mind tells me that my home is clean and presentable.
I think that desqauloring applies to the mind as well as the physical. We need to shush those critical voices inside us that give us those old, damaging messages. I am so trying to do that. For so many years squalor was the norm. The only cleaning I knew how to do for years was crisis cleaning, and I would cringe at the thought of someone opening the wrong door.
Thank you for this post,
BF
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Post by missjean on Mar 14, 2009 11:26:21 GMT -5
Thank you for bumping this. I can't believe how appropos it is!
Last weekend, I had a friend and her husband over because he is going to tile my backsplash. I had told her about the cheap materials that had been used in the house; e.g. the "backsplash" was wallpaper and so is stained/peeling. The cupboard doors are particle board with a plastic laminate that I've reglued several times. Etcetera.
The first thing she said was "You're house is so cute! It's so big and open! I love the colors you use!" And he said, "The way you were describing it, we thought it was a run-down old farmhouse." (They restore historic homes and do period landscaping, among other things.)
I felt kind of ashamed of myself for seeing everything that's wrong and not what's right.
I was fixated on the smallness (~1000 square feet) compared to the houses of my best frined and various relatives. I knew the cost of everything in my house, including the Kmart specials, the salvaged pieces, and the throw rug that hides a gi-normous stain in the carpet. (Yes, I know how much they cost, but not how much they LOOK like they're worth!)
And one of them pointed out that my linoleum floor, which looks so bad, is bad because it's soft. The previous owner used nail-polish remover to clean spots, and she striped the protective hard coating right off it.
So I've been opening the blinds in the livingroom and kitchen, despite a bit of clutter on the sofa, just to get used to the idea that yes, the cleared part of my house is pretty cute!
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 14, 2009 12:27:02 GMT -5
this is a great thread, lioness! thank you for bumping, because as you said, it is timeless.
hello again, crimsonkat! i remember you from the old ss boards, nice to see you again!
this stuff is so PTSD; ghosts of the trauma from living in squalor (which is kind of like living in a war zone), and the traumas that have pushed us into squalor; abuse, illness, loss, etc. thank you all so much for what you shared in your own posts. you all give me strength.
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