maria
New Member
Joined: April 2020
Posts: 1
|
Post by maria on Apr 11, 2020 10:38:52 GMT -5
Thanks to the Coronavirus I can no longer run away. I'm forced to open my eyes and see this mess for what it is. I've built my life on running away from difficult situations. But, sitting all alone in one room, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is a wake up call. The last straw was the other day, while video chatting with my daughter I inadvertently flipped my camera screen. My daughter asked me did I realize what I had just done. My heart sank to my stomach. I was disgusted as I saw the disgust in her face and the smirk across her lips. I know it was no surprise to her. It was confirmation that her mother was a nasty, trifling slob. I also, saw compassion. She felt sorry for me because she knew I was embarrassed.
The most disgusting part of all this is that my youngest child, 23 yrs of age is technically homeless. Currently, he is staying with his brother and his wife and their 7 children because I live in one room, a room too nasty and cluttered for him to stay here with me. The kids know my "dirty little secret". They have suffered because of it their entire lives. You see, when they were small I lost custody of them because I was "overwhelmed". I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I tried to be the best mom I could but I had stupidly brought all these children into the world with no means to support them and no other support systems. They are all adults now and they are plagued with their own mental health issues. My kids love me without a doubt but they have scars because of me. I live a 8 hour drive from them. It's easier because I don't have to worry about anyone wanting to come over.
I have tried talking about this before but the embarrassment is overwhelming. On the outside I am an attractive, youthful 54 yr old woman. I'm always dressed neatly and pulled together. I have a bubbly, outgoing personality. People are drawn to me. I love meeting new people. However, I spend most of my time alone. I do everything alone. Rather, than clean, I will escape to a hotel or an airbnb. I keep people at arms distance, so they don't get too close. I have built a reputation as an independent woman living life to the fullest while maintaining a minimalist lifestyle. I am a domestic violence advocate and inspirational speaker. But, this mess makes me feel like a fraud. The truth is, I am constantly on the go so I don't have to look at or deal with the mess. I try my best to make my life have a purpose.
I used to have male friends but I no longer have a desire to just be sexually intimate with someone except on occasion when I just have to get that monkey off my back. It's been 2 years, since I had a male friend that I was seeing on a regular basis. He got tired of my always coming to his place and making excuses why he couldn't come to my place. Then, he moved away and I have been alone ever since.
This has been a lifelong problem. But, I can't continue to live like this. I feel like if I can get a handle on this and change my nasty habits my life would be so much better. I am proud to say I have made major strides in changing from a broken down sniveling trainwreck to being a more positive person. In the last 2 years, I become much more confident and even am building some beautiful friendships with people who continue to encourage me. I just want to feel truly worthy of all the praise heaped upon me in ALL areas of my life.
Right now, the mess feels overwhelming! I don't even know where to begin! I'm terrified my landlord will find out. Each trash day I say I'm going to put out trash but then I am too embarrassed someone will see how much trash I let pile up. It wouldn't be the first time I was evicted because of my living conditions. It's been a long time pattern.
This my cry for help. I'm hoping by coming here and sharing my story it will be therapeutic and help me to find accountability and Freedom.
|
|
|
|
Post by ohblondie on Apr 11, 2020 11:41:38 GMT -5
You have landed in the right spot!
Here you will find a circle of friends who understand, will respect you and will kick your butt, in the nicest of ways, when needed.
You will get the best advice from experts who have been there, are currently there, or working their way out of there.
My suggestion is to get up and do something. It can be one thing. Grab a single use plastic grocery bag and fill it with trash. Tie off the handles and toss it. Boom, you did it!
Scream hallelujah and do it again!
See, the first step isn't so bad after all!!
|
|
|
|
Post by desposito on Apr 11, 2020 11:44:50 GMT -5
Hi maria, you are wise to think of the enforced time at home as a chance to start your clean up. The most helpful thing I ever learned was to use baby steps--don't ever look at the whole room and think about what it will take to clean all of it. Just make tiny goals, use a timer, and just do one thing at a time.
A lot of people here are embarrassed to put out a lot of garbage, but believe me, it looks more odd to never have any garbage. Try to compact it as much as you can and make sure the can is full (plus extra if you're allowed) every time they pickup. It's impossible to clean if you have garbage sitting around.
There are a lot of working threads here where you can make small goals and come back and report that you did them (or not--I do that fairly often). The important thing is to keep trying.
Welcome to the site!
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by joyinvirginia on Apr 11, 2020 23:06:55 GMT -5
Welcome, Maria! please keep posting. It will take a while to get things cleaned up. Yes, start with taking the trash out. Everyone has trash, and the folks who don't bring out any trash ever make folks wonder. If they notice at all, because here is the secret: most folks don't notice or care! Take out some trash and let us know how it goes.
When this coronavirus isolation is over, can you hire someone to come in and help you clean up? you haven't been able to do it on your own, it's ok to have help!
|
|
Hazel
New Member
Actually, still sorting it all out...
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78
|
Post by Hazel on Apr 14, 2020 12:13:26 GMT -5
Hi Maria, I used to come here a lot and still pop in occasionally looking for inspiration. I'm about your age and can relate to a lot of what you wrote (except that I didn't have kids). Anxiety and depression - tick. Running away - tick. Escaping the mess for respite in a hotel or short term rented flat - tick (hehe I wondered whether I was the only one who did that!) Keeping busy, keeping myself to myself and keeping up appearances on the outside - tick. My excuse was that by staying elsewhere with fully functioning facilities it was easier to get ready for work than at home where everything needs fixing (and gradually tackle the mess on my days off). At the time of the lockdown I was staying in an apartment hotel (at a cheap rate) and then it closed, so I had to come home. Luckily it coincided with the spring weather otherwise I would have been freezing cold. I'm seeing the coronavirus crisis as a great opportunity - now really is the time! None of the usual external distractions, no missing out on life and fun because all meetings and events are cancelled anyhow, no working away, no interest in finding a male partner at this time. Everyone minding their own business is great and social distancing is a temporary excuse for not having people in to fix things or to answer the door. Lots of folk are decluttering and spring cleaning in lockdown so it's a normal activity to be putting trash out. The feelings of being overwhelmed and fear of others finding out about the mess are so familiar. I'm worried about any emergency arising that would impact on others and expose my apparent hoardy lifestyle (I do actually get rid of things but it takes time and as we all know it's harder to clean around clutter). I'm trying to make my peculiar living arrangements more comfortable, especially in case I get ill and because I don't want to be found dead in chaotic and dirty surroundings or to have to receive medical attention with random stuff in the way - cringe). So, enough time on the internet and I'm off out on a trip to the bin...Good luck Maria! - hope you post again  P.S. (quick edit) I need to amend that ticker - I did do a lot of sorting out but I have much sorting still to do! |
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Apr 15, 2020 19:53:29 GMT -5
Hello Maria, I just wanted to applaud you for being so honest with what has brought you here. No matter what , you need to be able to have friends in to your home, family and even a new hunny. I hope that you will ! Some ideas to get started 'cause I've been there: Don't be ashamed to really utilize trash day. Look around at others' trash, you will find they have no shame! Really! I have some things to do myself around here to make quarantining "more pleasant." I moved some sports equipment that had been deposited near the front door(outside) I feel much better now for I had been knowing I should move it for a long time now. It's things like that when you get it done it is like being free! Freedom!  |
|
|
|
Post by messimo on Apr 18, 2020 22:59:50 GMT -5
Hi maria , Like Hazel , I can relate to a lot of what you shared: Running away from difficult situations, keeping people at arms distance, feeling like a fraud, feeling overwhelmed by the mess, being terrified your landlord will find out. I am also in the midst of "coming clean" with my "dirty little secret." For me, it's overwhelming and we're still living in squalor, but as many of the people here will tell you, it can be done! What is helping me right now is doing just a little bit at a time, 15-30 minutes of something. For example, today I spent 30 minutes decluttering our eating table. The table is still cluttered, but it's so much better than when I began. Eating dinner was a little more pleasant this evening because we didn't have to worry about the mountain of clutter falling on us while we ate. You said: You've accomplished so much! You can do this! |
|
|
|
Post by gillian on Apr 28, 2020 5:20:33 GMT -5
Speaking of respite in a hotel, my husband and I used to travel a lot, one aspect of which I enjoyed was being in a room that was neat and tidy and devoid of boxes of clutter - minimalist - just the way I'd like my house to be. It was very relaxing and calming, like an oasis of calm. Welcome to all the newcomers by the way!
Gillian
|
|
