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Post by thursdayschild on Apr 23, 2020 12:43:48 GMT -5
It's been three or four years. What's prompting me returning is that I'm stuck at home like 95% of us in the US now. I'm working from home. My husband is the main hoarder. I say main because I contribute some, in that I leave clutter around because why not, the house is a holy hell hole anyway. Being at home all the time, I can't escape the situation any more. At least when I could go to the office I could go to a clean environment 8-10 hours a day. I would love to set up an office area, but doing that in this house is a major undertaking. Hell, even cooking supper is a major undertaking. I'm sure you can all relate.
My husband won't or can't throw anything away. Everything has a purpose, every pile contains something that if I attempt to clean, he no longer knows where something is. In his mind, it is organized. For example, we have a pile of tools in the front hall, screwdriver, drill bits, hammer, etc. from when he started a project a couple of years ago. I have asked why he can't just put them in a toolbox and keep them somewhere in the meantime but he says if he does he will forget about the project and it will never get done. Well guess what, I'm sure it WILL never get done, pile of tools or NO pile of tools to "remind" him. This is just one example of many.
We have to save egg cartons because they're wonderful for packing eBay items he intends to sell. There is a whole room of eBay items to sell. He hasn't tried to sell anything on eBay for about seven years. So the "sellable" junk piles up, the egg cartons pile up (we haven't thrown any away in over 5 years)! We moved here 5 years ago and we still have all our packing boxes. We might need them someday, or someone might be able to use them. Never mind that they are covered in dust and smell like cat litter. They are TRASH!!!!!
I'm sure many of you can relate to this. I'm depressed. We don't have a life. We don't have friends, well we could, but I would never let anyone into the house. Sometimes I hear him telling people "just drop in and visit!" and that fills me with horror. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I wasn't raised this way. I don't clean because what is the point? So the carpet is grungy and the kitchen floor is dirty and the bathtub is full of stuff so we can't use it. And on and on and on. It's gotten to the point where I hate to say this but I'm almost hoping I'll get the coronavirus so I'll die and this will all be over with. Is there any hope or help for me?
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Post by Arid on Apr 23, 2020 14:27:58 GMT -5
I understand your frustration!! Here are a couple of suggestions. Feel free to ignore them.  !! Tell you husband that you are *making a list of his projects* so that he won't have to leave things out to remind him of them. POST THE LIST where he will see it (and you can stand it!)--on the refrigerator, perhaps, or next to his bed, or . . . ? Then, set a time limit for him. "If the tools are not moved (to the garage, the basement, etc.) by . . . , I will move them for you!" Do NOT save another single egg carton! There; I said it. When (not "if") he complains, tell him that as soon as he uses up *MOST* of the egg cartons that already are saved, you will begin saving egg cartons again. Now, mind you, I know next to nothing about your husband's personality and how he might react to these "new rules." The most important thing is that you proceed in a way that is **SAFE** for you! I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Welcome back! Arid |
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Post by thursdayschild on Apr 23, 2020 21:18:03 GMT -5
Arid - the point is, the egg cartons and the tool piles are just two examples of the chaos that is all over the house. Books, magazines, scraps of paper with various notes on them, shoes, clothing, collectibles, dishes, packaging, things that are "too heavy to throw away"... I could go on and on. It's too much and too many different things. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you for the advice though.
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Post by Arid on Apr 24, 2020 3:42:37 GMT -5
Yes; I understood that those are only a couple of examples of what you are facing.
However, you need to start somewhere; right?!! So, you might consider trying these . . .
Best wishes, there!
Arid
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Post by thursdayschild on Apr 24, 2020 8:54:47 GMT -5
I think my problem is, that I want it all cleared and I want it cleared NOW. So doing one or two things like the egg cartons or the tool piles feels like barely scratching the surface. So I feel like just giving up. But being home all the time I'm forced to look at all of this all the time. Does that make sense?
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 24, 2020 16:19:57 GMT -5
it sounds like you have identified a potential issue in your thinking about it. so... there are a couple of approaches. One is to just jump into action anyway, as in "motivation follow action." another would be to explore the thought pattern, something that a lot of us do in our blogs. and finally, of course, is not to change a thing. sometimes I need to sit with things-as-they-are and really accept that reality before I want to do anything about it at all. making changes is a process with several stages!
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Post by larataylor on Apr 24, 2020 22:06:08 GMT -5
I think my problem is, that I want it all cleared and I want it cleared NOW. So doing one or two things like the egg cartons or the tool piles feels like barely scratching the surface. So I feel like just giving up. But being home all the time I'm forced to look at all of this all the time. Does that make sense? It makes so much sense. I was severely depressed until I got a job that got me out of the house. For years our life was as home-based as most people's lives are right now. I didn't realize how depressing it was for me until I got out of it for a big chunk of the day. I sure don't like being back in it, either!
I understand what it feels like to have so much stuff that starting seems futile. Especially when you have someone resisting you. I don't know why you mentioned the items you described, but maybe that means something. Anyway, I hope you can find the motivation to do one thing. Maybe the easiest thing, like finding and tossing some obvious trash. Or maybe the thing that bothers you most. Or is most embarrassing. Maybe the thing that will make tomorrow easier.
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Post by lucie on Apr 25, 2020 8:15:06 GMT -5
I do not know how big your home is, but is it posible for you to create a clean corner or even a room just for yourself? Your space that is not hoarded, just for you? This solution has been discussed here before, it seems to help to people who have a hoarding spouse.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Apr 25, 2020 15:30:35 GMT -5
welcome back Thursdayschild!
I had a big globe of the world in my bathtub for a few years, so I can relate!
I'm not sure what exactly will help, but you can decide to declare one room or one corner YOUR SPACE. Do you do most of the cooking? If so, I suggest start in the kitchen. You have to be firm.
"dh, I MUST HAVE some space JUST FOR ME. so (today, tomorrow, pick a day) I will be clearing the countertops, cabinets, stovetop, whatever so I will have a clean, productive, inspiring work space. I alone decide what will be kept there. All your stuff not moved (by today, tomorrow, next week) will be put in a box or thrown out."
He will try to deflect blame, make excuses, argue with reasons why this can't happen, why it's a bad time, why he needs to keep stuff, and so on. DO NOT get into an argument, do NOT discuss.
"I need to do this (today, tomorrow, next week) for me and I will do this. After the cleaning none of your stuff is allowed in this room." And ignore anything else he says or does, just do. Put on your favorite music. If you can hire someone to help, all the better!
and once the lockdown is over, hire a handyman to do the project he's put off, and put the tools away.
This is easy to type and hard to do. My dh likes audio and electronic equipment. I have an attractive, tall antique cabinet. I told my dh all the electronic cables, connectors, wires, tools, stuff had to fit in the cabinet, otherwise I would toss it. That's the only way I got a pile of coax cable out of my family room! We have separate bookcases that all the audio stuff has to fit on.
That made ME do the same for kitchen stuff and china. All the kitchen stuff must fit inside the cabinets (and I have a lot of cabinets). All the china has to fit in the china cupboard. So i had to weed things out also.
That globe of the world finally was donated to a church yard sale, and my bathtub finally got emptied. It took a few years, that was hard for ME to let go of.
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Post by joann1968 on Jul 2, 2020 21:59:18 GMT -5
My Husband and I both have Hoarding Tendencies. It took me starting to toss my excess stuff then when he resisted and just didnt respond actually moving into a Hotel for a few months to get him doing the same. Sometimes drastic measures need to be taken, but obviously, what I did requires a means of self support. I dont know if that would work for you. Obviously, with Covid and Recycling and donating centers being closed things are starting to pile back up, so we have some work to do to get it back to where it once was.
The message given was basically "It is all your crap and junk or me" Just let him choose and if he chooses his crap you are better off staying out since it was more important than you.
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