Eira
New Member
brains in your head, feet in your shoes, steer yourself any direction you choose <3
Joined: December 2020
Posts: 39
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Post by Eira on Dec 21, 2020 20:49:55 GMT -5
Hello... as the title says really!
I'm new and I'm so overwhelmed at actually finding a source of support, even a virtual one.
I'm 27 and for years I've had the same problem, never being able to clean or organise my living space, to the point where it is so dirty and crowded that it becomes unlivable. I've done this in my own room as a kid, in house shares with room mates, and now in my own flat. As I type this I'm surrounded by packaging, gone off food, full bin bags, trash, dirty clothes and basically just clutter everywhere. I feel so depressed and I can't shake it. I don't like living like this, in fact I hate it, but usually I end up developing a kind of cut off mechanism where I block it out somehow. This time though it's built up so much that I can't cope any longer.
For background I grew up very isolated and with a mother who was obsessively clean but very emotionally absent. My dad was present but not really "there" either and had drinking issues. Me and my mother raised my sister, who has very severe disabilities which would include her self harming, becoming incontinent, and needing a tube for feeding and relieving of wind. This meant that I was often having to clean up blood, faeces/urine and literal stomach acid, and my overwhelming emotion growing up was disgust. Add my mother's need for perfection to this and you get what I call stress cleaning. Cleaning has such negative connotations for me, that when I am depressed (which is most of the time), I can't face it.
I have PTSD from my childhood and from sexual and emotional abuse in relationships years later. I am in therapy now to try and work through these issues, which are improving, but I still can't for the life of me stop living in squalor. I didn't even know this word really until this year, when I decided to actually look for help around this. I don't identify with hoarding, as I long to throw my stuff away and have been known to have massive cleaning/clear out sessions every once in a while when I can face it. I don't collect things, nor do I have an emotional attachment to them, so when it came to asking for support, there was only support for hoarding which did not help me at all. Even the housing/mental health support workers I have had in the past, always said they didn't deal with it and they never helped me look for any outside assistance, so I am amazed at finding an online community, as it looks increasingly likely I'm going to have to work on the squalor issue seperately to therapy, by myself.
I'm just so overwhelmed at the state of my flat that I don't know where to begin anymore. I can't see the floor in 2 out of 4 rooms, and the smell is so bad it escapes when I open the front door! There are literal dead rodents here (because of the cat bringing them in) and there is bird mess (also cat caught it and dragged it in...). The cat is the only one who gets his food regularly and dishes washed... I can't let people in and have not been able to do so for the past few months, before then it was at least kind of passable. I don't know anything about cleaning schedules, rotas etc, whenever I try I fail within a month to keep it up. I can't figure out where or why I am going so wrong all the time and feel like a failure, it affects my relationships and friendships to the point I don't have any. I even left my job to try and have more time to clean, if anything that made it worse. I have goals and dreams and would love to have a family of my own one day but I feel like I'd never want to put a child through this, if I can't learn to clean then I may as well give up. Same with finding a career.
Sorry for the long post, I'm just grateful to have found somewhere to put this out to. If anyone knows of any UK support for squalor or chronic disorganisation, please let me know also!
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Post by JoyInAction on Dec 21, 2020 21:40:22 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum, Eira. I hope and trust you will find the help you need here.
My first suggestion is that you open a blog straight away in the member's only section. You may feel freer to tell your story there, and I believe others will be more open to share with you there also.
Please don't lose heart. With perseverance, you can make the changes you want.
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Eira
New Member
brains in your head, feet in your shoes, steer yourself any direction you choose <3
Joined: December 2020
Posts: 39
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Post by Eira on Dec 21, 2020 22:47:05 GMT -5
Thank you, I'm still trying to get my head round how this site works  |
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Post by joyinvirginia on Dec 22, 2020 1:02:31 GMT -5
Welcome Eira! You have found a community that does sympathize and will give you practical suggestions.
First, throw out trash a little at a time. I have trash cans in most every room, and empty them when they get full, or once a week on Saturday. You don't have to clean everything at once. Often getting the trash out helps you feel lighter and more motivated to do something else.
Welcome, and we will be cheering you on. Do try to pick up a small bag of trash, then get it out of your home right away!
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Post by NewLifeToday on Dec 22, 2020 12:47:33 GMT -5
Welcome, Eira! I'm glad you posted. It's nice to have you here. I wish you much joy in your steps, today, and every day. |
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Post by def6 on Dec 25, 2020 0:42:16 GMT -5
You are so young Eira I hope you will get a handle on your clutter or mess. I know you are frustrated right now but i hope you will rise up and take a few steps back for the big picture. Anything that causes you this much distress could go strait in the trash. You are more important that the mess. |
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Eira
New Member
brains in your head, feet in your shoes, steer yourself any direction you choose <3
Joined: December 2020
Posts: 39
|
Post by Eira on Jan 13, 2021 12:20:06 GMT -5
def6 thank you for your message I only just saw it! I don't feel young, honestly I feel like an old woman trapped in an ever-aging body haha. I wish I could go back to childhood and start over from even that far back!
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