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Post by ohblondie on Apr 13, 2021 19:51:35 GMT -5
So much wisdom in this thread self-esteem came from when my own actions matched my own value system. there is nothing more invigorating than knowing that despite bad behavior happening around me, I was proud of the way I was acting. And anytime that I was pushed to the edge of my coping capacity, and no longer acting in ways that made me proud, that's when I knew I needed to make changes and ask for help to do that when I needed it. I guess my point is that as difficult as things are - you have known worse. And, by getting out of the "worse" - you now are in charge of "better". It is frightening to make changes but it is wonderfully exhilarating to know that you CAN make the changes - that some almost impossible impediments are no longer there. Master of your own fate so to speak. I have a Dr. Fauci bobblehead in the kitchen that makes me smile IMO, you are stuck in the past, anchored there until you feel brave enough to move forward. Time has floated you a little away on whatever length of rope dreams of freedom have allowed you. So maybe moving ahead, i.e. decluttering under extreme resistance, is not the chart to path at this time. Maybe you need to sail back into the past, to the last time period in your lives - yours and your children - when you felt confident of your future and "dropped anchor". I would guess it would be the last time you felt that you and the kids were thriving. Sail back there. Dear Farandaway, my own mother's instinct can clearly see yours at work here. Do not worry that you failed as a mother over these years because you have not. You are not failing right now, you are sensing "danger" ahead for your family. So go back somewhat, and re-group. Your children were thriving at one time because of your mother's love. They throve (?) because you knew instinctively as their mother what kind of love to bring to each one. You still know but have lost confidence in what you know. Refresh that well from a time where you were confident of motherhood and your receptivity to the needs and joys of your children. You can apply those very same early childhood deep love to this present moment.  That love springs eternal and won't infantalize the kids. And that would take a large load of guilt off your shoulders and that will help the grief to go through. So many wise people here....food for thought for everyone |
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63 
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Post by farandaway on Apr 14, 2021 2:32:42 GMT -5
Thank you, newlifetoday, for the link, and goldenthreads for the tip. I'm checking it out.
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Post by TML on Apr 17, 2021 7:53:29 GMT -5
Welcome! I keep a journal in good notes. It is semi private. To see it someone would have to get into my account on goodnotes or to break the security on my ipad. So by semi I mean private but not double encrypted.
I read something recently that the reason women get trapped in the same situation over and over particularly with men is that they keep subconsciously picking the same type of situation because they want it to turn out different and end better. So that it is not weakness or blindness that women time and time again pick the same kind of wrong guy, instead it is hope, perseverance, and wanting things to finally turn out right. My current boyfriend of 13 years is not someone I would have picked. He chased me and chased me until He just became a part of my life. Eventually i realized he saved me. I was yet again heading toward a narcissist but he basically shoved them out of my life and kept taking care of me and making sure i was happy that it has showed me what a real relationship could be when I am cherished (and do cherish him back) rather than me doing all again for a person who only loves themself and uses others.
I think you saved yourself. The things that help me get rid of stuff that I no longer need but that mean a lot to me. First i decide if it is worth sending on to enrich someone else's life (ie donate) or if it has given its all and needs to be respectfully released with a thank you for your service (trash). Then i have a photo system on my apple cloud where i have folders to remember stuff. So i take several pictures of it to remember it by then on it goes.
Also it is hard to clean a room or clean the house (at least for me). I try instead to celebrate work units. I set timer and work for 7 minutes or do one thing which ever is shorter and then break. I rinse and repeat. I do three short cycles then a long one (break not work). So it goes 7 work, 14 break x 3 then on 4th it is 7 work 35 min break. I use flat tomato app. It is the pompodoro method. I push button on app it logs effort then counts down 7 min and chimes for break. Then i can look at daily clock and see all the effort (7 min) I have done.
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63
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Post by farandaway on Apr 21, 2021 5:15:47 GMT -5
TML thanks for your comment.
I apologize, I have just now seen it.
Well, after my divorce, I started looking for another partner. I fell into the same patterns again. In my last attempt, I chose a guy who was honestly not my caliber. He had some issues. But I thought that he would be grateful to have me as a partner. In fact, he ghosted me in the end. That hurt a lot. I didn't love him, but I was really tired of going it alone. Anyway, since then (2016), I have not dated at all. Except for one date with a guy I met online. We met once and he glommed onto me so fast! He called me several times a day and asked lots of intrusive questions. After that, I called it quits. So I either jump into relationships with both feet or I avoid them at all cost.
I'm happy for you that you found someone who values and loves you.
Anyway, I am 55 and showing my age. It seems to me in our internet age that men are emboldened to believe that, if they search long enough, they will finally find a much younger supermodel to be with them. So they don't respect or value an ordinary woman like me. Yes, I am very cynical. My experience makes me believe that committed relationships are a thing of the past. At least a thing of my past.
Now I try to focus on other things. Keeping house. Doing my work. But honestly, I sometimes wonder what I am even good for anymore.
I have started a blog on here.
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